Vivienne's Guilt (30 page)

Vivienne

They say that guilt will eat you alive if you let it, and I never knew how very true those words were. Like an incurable cancer, it grows and festers inside of you. It has destroyed my self-worth and tainted my life with misery. All of the good memories that I once shared with Abbott are no longer. When you’ve betrayed your dead spouse, there is no way to atone for it. There’s no way to beg and plead for their forgiveness. I’m drowning in this guilt, and the only person with the ability to absolve me of it is buried in the ground, two miles down the road.

My once perfect life has spiraled so far out of control so quickly. I just want to know how to dull the ache. How to make the most of this hand I’ve been dealt. I need to find a way to forgive myself for what I’ve done. I can’t be whole carrying this weight. I can’t be the mother that my daughter deserves. It pains me more than anything to admit that I’ve failed my baby.

I haven’t seen Reid since he stormed out of my hospital room three days ago. I don’t blame him. I can only hope that what he said wasn’t true. That he hasn’t wasted his love on someone as fucked up as I am. Reid is a great guy, and I know that he has a lot to offer the special girl in his life, whoever she may be. Unfortunately for him, that girl can’t be me. That piece of my heart was buried along with my husband, and I have nothing left to give.

There are moments in life that you can’t ever forget. They are the ones that define us. Moments that we don’t only experience but change who we are as a person. From that moment forward, who you were five minutes ago no longer exists. And this person I’ve become, this mess he left behind, she’s an empty shell of the woman I used to be, and I know in my heart that I will never get that girl back. I don’t know how to navigate this new life, and I don’t think I like the new me.

My heart grows heavier with every piece of clothing that I add to my suitcase. I’ve agreed to enter a treatment facility at Cassie’s and Dr. Benson’s request. After the hell I’ve put Cassie through and all that she’s done for me, I owe her this much. I owe Tillie this much. They’ve promised to visit me every day, but I’ve never spent the night away from Tillie, and the anxiety is almost too much to bear. As much as it hurts, I know that I need to do this. I need help finding a way to deal with Abbott’s death and to forgive myself for the mistakes that I’ve made in the aftermath. I have to find a way to live with these life-altering moments that have left me drowning. I’m in desperate need of a lifeline, and I pray the damage I’ve done isn’t beyond repair.

I wish that I could go back in time to when my heart was merely empty; I’d take the emptiness any day over this heart of guilt.

Reid

For two weeks, I have been living in my own personal hell. As pissed as I am at Vivienne, and believe me I have never been so fucking mad in my life, I can’t stop my heart from loving her. No matter how much I don’t want to, I still care. I need to know that she is okay...that Tillie is okay, but my stubborn pride won’t allow me to do anything but wallow in my misery. I’m a prisoner of my own mind...bound by hurt and anger.

After leaving Vivienne at the hospital, I went straight to her house to pack my things and then checked into a hotel near the university. My dorm was ready after only a few days, so I wasn’t displaced for very long.

Since then, I’ve kept myself busy with football practices during the day and partying with my teammates on Bourbon St. every night. I’ve been drinking myself stupid and not enjoying any of it. I just need to do something to pass the time. This past summer spent with Vivienne and Tillie changed me. Before, I couldn’t wait to get out here, to live it up. Now, what I want more than anything is to cuddle on the couch with the girls—
my girls
—watching stupid Disney movies and eating popcorn.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to call or go to the lake house to check on Vivienne. I’m still reeling from the shock of everything that went down. Most of all, I can’t believe that she had the nerve to put everything that happened between us on my shoulders. She “didn’t know”. What a fucking cop out.

I’ve never had my heart broken before, and honestly, I wasn’t sure that it was even possible. But, now I see...I see how women can get men to act like fucking pussies because I miss her, and I miss Tillie. I miss them so much that it’s crippling, and it makes no fucking sense to me. How can I miss something that was never really mine?

I walk into the coffee house on campus, and when the doorbell chimes, I get a tight feeling in my chest. I glance around the almost empty café until I find Cassie waiting in a secluded corner booth. She waves me over, pointing at the two cups on the table in front of her, and then watches me with a nervous smile as I weave my way between the tables and chairs.

After weeks of avoiding her calls and messages, I finally agreed to see her. I can’t go on not knowing any longer. It’s tearing me up inside.

When I reach the table, Cassie stands and instantly wraps me in a welcoming hug. I’m a little shocked. It’s no secret that I’m not exactly her favorite person. “Hey,” I say, returning her embrace. It’s incredible how good it feels to be comforted by this woman, who as far as I could tell barely tolerated me all summer. “Everything okay?”

She looks up at me and her eyes glaze over when she answers, “No...No, Reid. Nothing’s okay...but it will be.” Even run down and broken, she has this fierce look of determination, and I don’t doubt her for even a moment.

Right away, I notice how exhausted she is. She appears to have aged ten years in the two weeks since I’ve seen her last, and it begins to eat away at my resolve. “Is Tillie okay? How’s Viv? Do you girls need anything?”

“Reid, Vivienne is in the hospital...” she says, sliding into her seat.

“What...still?” I jerk back in surprise. “It’s been two weeks. Did she have complications from the miscarriage?” My stomach knots up with guilt. “Is she okay?” I’m such an asshole for not making sure she was all right before pulling my shit.

She flattens her lips into a straight line as she shakes her head. “Not that kind of hospital, Reid,” she says, pulling me down into my seat. “Sit down, please. You’re causing a scene.” Cassie looks around as I reluctantly lower myself into the booth across from her. “She’s in a psychiatric hospital,” Cassie whispers, and I don’t know who she thinks might overhear her. No one knows us here. “Viv is having a lot of trouble accepting...well” —she eyes me nervously— “everything that happened.”

By everything, she means me. All the blood rushes to my head, making me dizzy, and I feel the tips of my ears begin to throb. Just the mention of what happened between Viv and I brings back all the hurt and anger I’ve felt over the past two weeks.

“Reid...just let me finish before you get upset, please. Just...just let me explain.” There is desperation in her voice, a pleading in her haggard eyes. A look of absolute defeat moves across her face, and I know that I need to hear her out. No matter how much this hurts or how much it pisses me off, Cassie needs to say whatever it is that she came here to say.

I glance down, realizing that my hands are balled into tight fists, so I unclench them then open and close my fingers a few times to help release some of the tension. Then, I shove them under the table and nod. “Go on. I’m sorry.”

She smiles at me sympathetically before breathing out a sigh of relief. “Well, uh...after you left and she filled me in, I just couldn’t understand how she could get pregnant without ever realizing it. I could tell that she truly believed what she was saying. Reid, I know her. She would have never slept with another man so soon after Abbott’s death. Honestly, I’m not sure that she ever will. I know it’s hard for you to hear, but you didn’t know them together...as a couple. You didn’t see the way they lit up in each other’s presence. It was magic. It made you feel good just to breathe their air.”

I flinch and gnaw on the inside of my cheek. It’s not easy listening to her go on about the two of them and their epic love. It hurts, and for a moment, I start to hate him. When did I get so possessive of Vivienne? When did I begin to think of her as mine and not his? How have I managed to turn my dead uncle into the bad guy?

“Hey,” Cassie says, reaching across the table and cupping her hand on my cheek tenderly. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I got a little carried away.”

I clear my throat. “No, it’s okay. I, ugh...I kind of got lost in my own head there for a minute. Go ahead.”

“Okay. Well, when she finished explaining about the miscarriage and how she knew that it could not be Abbott’s baby...that only left you. You’re the only man she’s really been around since his death...Viv told me about the dream, of what she thought was a dream, and it still wasn’t adding up. I couldn’t understand how she could’ve actually mistaken you for Abbott and dismissed it as a dream.”

I scoff, “Yeah, I’m a little confused about that myself.”

“I know you are. That’s why I needed to see you...to explain. Vivienne finally broke down and told me that she’s been taking pills. They’re prescription pills for her anxiety, but she wasn’t supposed to be drinking while taking them. She also confessed to taking a lot more than she should have.”

“I knew she took some medication, but I had no idea that she had a problem,” I interrupt. Vomit rises in my throat. I’m nauseous because I was with her every single day. I should have noticed. I could’ve helped her. “Is Tillie okay? Is she with you?” I look around. “Where is she now? I can move back to the house and stay with her until Vivienne’s home. We can get a babysitter while I’m at classes or something...”

Cassie reaches out her hand and covers mine. “No, Reid. That’s not why I asked you here. We’re fine. I’m staying at the house with Tillie and put her in a preschool near my job during the day. We’re making it.”

I should feel relieved, but I just feel lost and alone. I want to be needed. I want my family back.

“Reid, I need you to do something for me.”

Finally.
“Okay, sure. Whatever you need, Cassie.”

She swallows. “Reid, I need you to stay away from Vivienne....”

I shake my head. She came here to ask me to leave them alone...I can’t. I can’t lose them.

“Let me explain, Reid,” she rushes out. “Vivienne really does not remember sleeping with you. The medication she was taking when mixed with alcohol...it causes memory loss. All of those nights that we had a few drinks and Viv seemed way too drunk...she wasn’t drinking before we started...She was on those pills. When she added the alcohol, it screwed with her head. You look so much like him, Reid. She convinced herself that you were Abbott. She wasn’t using you. Vivienne never meant to hurt you. She honestly believed that you were him.”

Finally, the reality of what she’s saying hits me. How could this all be completely one sided? How could I love her so fucking much...and she feel nothing?

“She’s so messed up right now, Reid,” Cassie says while tears pour from her eyes. “Viv feels like she cheated on Abbott. I don’t know if she will ever come back from this, but I know that seeing you would not be good for her. She needs to find a way to forgive herself. She hurt you, Reid, and I am so sorry. Vivienne is sorrier than you will ever know. She’s making herself sick with guilt. I’m begging you to let this go. Let her go. Let her heal and try to move past this.”

“I love them, Cassie. I know that you think I’m just some stupid kid with a crush, but I love them.”

She nods. “I know, Reid. I believe that you really do love her because she’s impossible not to love.”

I feel what’s left of my heart crumble to dust because I know that this is it. “You’ll let me know if y’all need anything?” It’s a reach, and I know it.

Cassie shakes her head. “We won’t. Reid, go to school. Play football. Fall in love. Fall in love with someone who’s capable of loving you in return. You deserve that, and nothing would make Viv happier than to know that you’ve moved on and found happiness—that she hasn’t completely destroyed your life.”

“You’re asking too much...How do you two think this is going to work out? We’re family, or have you forgotten that part?”

“I’ve already spoken to your parents.”