Vivid (18 page)

Until Grace.

She changed things for me.

Funny how one decision, one tiny thing, can set you on a completely different path.

I closed my eyes. The right one was aching more than usual, maybe from being outside, or maybe it was just the fact that I didn't sleep the night before.

"You ready to go?" Grace asked softly, resting her head against my shoulder.

"Not yet," I replied, my voice rough.

"You okay?"

I nodded and opened my eyes, feeling the pressure change with every blink. It was a good thing I had an appointment in a couple days. I was going to have to tell Jeff about this new development.

"Do you ever wonder how one decision can change everything?" I asked.

Grace sat up a little straighter and I felt her eyes on my face. "Umm, yeah. I guess so."

"I wonder how many things would change if I'd just made one different choice."

She was silent for a minute before she whispered, "I wish I would have done things differently."

"That makes two of us."

"The problem is that if things were different, the chances we would be here now ... well, we probably wouldn't be."

I drew in a long breath. That was the problem. Without all the decisions each of us had already made, nothing would be the same. The good things never come without the bad.

"You may not have joined the military and met those men that you love so much," she added.

I nodded, knowing she was right. "But I wouldn't be blind. I'd be able to see you."

"Would you?"

I turned my head and frowned as she pulled away a few inches, taking her warmth with her. "What does that mean?"

"I'm just wondering if we would even know each other at all."

We both pondered on that for a moment. She nudged me in the ribs with her elbow and laughed softly. "You might not have even lived in that house. Maybe you'd be living far away. Who knows? You wouldn't be a hero. Ryan might have died if it wasn't for you. I wouldn't have a job that I loved going to every day."

Of all the things she'd just said, that last one made my ears perk the most. "Do you mean it?"

"What? That I love my job? Of course I do. You may be grumpy most of the time, and sometimes I want to smother you with your own pillow, but you also make me laugh." Her warmth came closer to me and her cold hands cupped my face. "This is unprofessional, but you're my friend, Merrick. Life would be dull without you."

I started to smile, then she kissed my cheek. Her lips were cold and warm at the same time. The tingle they left on my skin made the exhaustion from lack of sleep, simmer away.

"You're really warm, Merrick. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine. Just fine," I sighed, a fuzziness starting to fill my head.

"We should go. Get out of this cold air."

I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay at that picnic table with Grace Samuelson staying warm because of me. With Grace in
my
arms and sharing deep, life-changing thoughts with
me
.

Then my eye started to ache a little more and my head started to feel a little heavier. Grace guided me back to the car and I slumped in the passenger seat while we waited for the heat to push through the air vents.

"We shouldn't have stayed so long. I don't want you to get sick," she said breathlessly. For some reason, she'd had to help me a little more than usual, even with both crutches.

"I'm a grown man, Grace. Getting sick is something I can handle."

She sighed and I imagined she was shaking her head at me. Minutes later, we were on the road and the usual paranoia I experienced in a car was absent. I couldn't concentrate on anything, not even my breathing. My head just couldn't hold itself up, all my thoughts jumbled.

"Merrick! Merrick, we're back. I need you to help me, okay?"

It only could have been a few minutes. It had to be. But we'd already made the twenty-minute drive back to the house.

I couldn't remember a moment of it.

Grace sounded so far away or like she was under water. I opened my eyes, expecting to see her lovely face in front of mine. She wasn't there, not even a glimpse of her. The ache in my head, however, was different. It almost felt like a bright light was shining in my eye, making me flinch and squeeze them shut.

Strange. That hadn't happened to me before.

A tiny arm slipped behind me and pressed against my back. My legs felt like heavy bags of sand, barely pushing them out the door of the car.

"Merrick, stay with me for just a little longer. Let's get you inside first."

What is she talking about? And why is it so hard to keep my head up?

"One step at a time," she grunted.

My feet moved, but only a few inches. It took forever before I finally dropped onto my bed with Grace falling on top of me. The crutches clattered to the floor, making me flinch.

"God, you're a big guy."

"Just stay right here," I all but begged. My voice felt scratchy and I barely heard the words myself.

"I need to get you something for this fever, Mer. You're burning up and I don't know what's wrong."

"I'm fine, Grace." I pulled myself up to sitting and reached out to find her arm. I wrapped my fingers around her fragile wrist and tugged gently. "Just tired. I'm so tired and I just want you to stay here with me."

"Merrick ..."

The urge to beg more was so strong, but I finally caught up to the way I was behaving and shook my head to clear the cobwebs. "Okay. It's okay. You go ahead."

Her hands landed on my face, moving around as she felt the heat of my skin. "Damn it! This came on so fast. You're scaring me, Merrick."

"Don't be scared, Grace. I'm here. I'm okay."

"You're not okay. I can barely understand you. Your words are slurring and your voice sounds like sandpaper."

Her hands dropped to my neck before leaving me completely. I felt that loss. It was the same empty feeling I had the day I came home from Iraq and my men didn't.

Their faces flashed in front of my eyes, or the eyes I
used
to have.

It came on so sudden, there was no way to stop it. I saw them laughing and joking around. Ryan was laughing like a hyena, the way he always did, and it only made the rest of them laugh harder. He was always the jokester of the bunch. Pulling pranks on anyone and everyone he could get to.

His brown eyes reminded me of a dog's eyes. He hated when I told him that, but it was true. Big, round, and curious. He looked too young to be a part of that world, but he was there all the same. His obsidian-black hair shined in the sunlight. He always overdid it on the hair gel.

"Gotta always be picture worthy for my girl. She wants to see me looking as sexy as I will when I get back."

Eric Crawford, our driver, was trying to smack Ryan in the back of the head while Darius Worden, our medic, shook his head, pretending it wasn't funny anymore. Those two couldn't be more opposite. Eric was the palest of white, with blonde hair and blue eyes. The poor kid got sunburned sitting inside his CHU, which was basically a box big enough to sleep in.

Darius had dark, caramel-colored skin and dark, brown eyes. He called himself
'the flavor'
.

"I'm the only one here that has spice."

They were all there. My brothers. I could finally see them and my lips stretched into a smile.

"You boys look like you've been on vacation," I called.

Ryan turned to look at me while the other two gave me the finger.

"You've seen better days," Ryan smirked.

"Merrick. Who are you talking to?"

Their faces swirled into nothing, and the darkness I'd seen for so long shut them out completely.

"Grace?"

Her hand caressed my face as she slipped something into my mouth. "It's a thermometer. Keep it under your tongue."

My chest weighed a thousand pounds and getting a good breath was difficult.

"Something's wrong, Grace."

"I know, Mer. I'm here."

She hummed for me while I fought to get comfortable. My clothes were stuck to my damp skin. Grace helped me remove my shirt and pants, leaving me in my underwear. Normally, I'd be concerned with whether or not I was sporting another erection for her.

Not this time.

My body wasn't cooperating with my mind and my head felt like it did
that
day.

"Shhh, rest. I'm not leaving."

I must have been mumbling
something
because Grace kept trying to calm me down.

Then the nightmare began, but it was no longer my brothers in that MRAP. It was Grace. Her dark hair drifted over her shoulder, and although her face was fuzzy, I knew without a doubt it was her. Instead of Eric at the wheel, it was Grace driving that truck and before I could take a breath, the force of impact from the EFP hit just as hard as I remembered.

"No!"

The driver's side disintegrated and the burning started in my skin, a raspy sizzle mixed with the screams from my men.

I crawled out of the truck, like I always did. My vision grew fuzzy and dark as I pulled Ryan off the side of the truck and dragged him to safety. All the while, my mind was on Grace. She'd disappeared when the EFP hit and I couldn't decide if it had ripped her out of the truck or if ...

I looked back at the fiery hunk of metal and saw her. Long white dress, strands of hair sweeping across her face as the breeze blew by. She was beautiful. So bright and vivid with the dark smoke surrounding her.

"Grace! Over here, baby! Run!"

I screamed for her, begged her to get away from the truck, knowing those bastards were about to blanket it with bullets.

"Please!"

But she didn't move. She just smiled at me, and I knew then that I'd lost her. The flames engulfed her and burned away the material of her dress before exploding around her.

Then she was gone and the pain started. The darkness closed in. I turned to find the rest of my men and, through the fog, all I saw was blood, fire, and sand.

Suddenly, it didn't matter what I saw. Because I'd lost her. I'd lost the one person I should have protected with my own life.

I laid there, alone in the sand with the sun burning down on me. The sound of bullets whizzing over my head didn't startle me like I remembered. I was numb to everything but the fire.

A cold hand swept over my face, cupping my cheek before trailing up to my forehead. The coolness of that touch banished the burning in my body, like a euphoria I'd never felt before. Like an instant relief from the pain.

Then nothing ... until it started all over again.

Grace

Merrick was getting worse.

His fever wouldn't break, and it was difficult to keep him still and resting. He was too strong and the things he must have been seeing were just too intense.

I sat by his bed all night long, unsure of whether or not I was making it worse by not taking him to the doctor. I had no way of even getting him to the car with both of our parents out of town. My only option was to call Micah who told me to monitor Merrick's temperature and try to keep him hydrated until he could come.

"The hospital is the last place he needs to be right now, Grace. Same with an ambulance. He'll be more comfortable at home."

"But Micah, he's getting–"

"I know. But it's Merrick. He's stubborn. I'll be there soon, just keep me posted. If you're really worried, you can try to bring him in."

"No. I barely got him into bed. There's no way I could get him to the front door let alone inside my car, all while keeping him comfortable," I declared.

We decided to wait until morning. I could still try to break his fever in the night and stay by his side until it did.

My mind raced as I tried to think of the possible causes. It wasn't the sushi. It hit too quickly to be the food. It was chilly outside, but not so much that it would have caused him to get sick like that. His fever was high, but not high enough to take serious action.

Not yet.

At this point, I don't think anything could stop what was happening in his head.

"Grace, I can't."

I opened my eyes at the sound of his voice. He'd been saying things all night that didn't make any sense, calling for me over and over. I leaned over to look at him, his eyes still closed, brows furrowed together. The sadness on his handsome face almost did me in.

Touching him seemed to help. His face, his neck. It calmed him a little more each time; brought him back from wherever his head was. All the while, he mumbled things about Ryan, about his men, and even the pain.

Burning.

He was living the explosion all over again, and I couldn't stop it.

"I'm here, Merrick." I placed a cool washcloth over his head and stroked his cheek. He was still hot, still cringing from pain, and his skin was dry. Not a drop of sweat. That's what scared me the most.

"I can't do it. I can't watch it." He tossed and turned a little more while I cooled his face.

"Shh, you're here, Mer. You're here with me." I moved to sit beside his hip, leaning over him until I could control his erratic movements a little more. His eyes were closed and his mouth set into a hard line. I ran the cool cloth over his neck and down across his collar bones. Harsh breaths caused his chest to quickly rise and fall, making it hard for him to speak. I placed my hand over his heart, attempting to calm him.

"I can't, Grace. I can't watch it."

"Watch what, Merrick?"

"I can't watch you burn again. It'll kill me this time."

"Shh, Merrick. I'm not burning. I'm right here at the side of your bed. We're in your room and there's no danger near us."

"No," he insisted and shook his head, cringing from more pain. "It's not real. It can't be real. You aren't supposed to be here."

He was having another hallucination. How many times would he have to re-live everything before his mind finally decided he'd had enough. This was nothing like the nightmares I overheard at night. This was real to him. The fever was making it real.

"Merrick, I'm right here and you're right here with me. Nowhere else but here." I prayed the words would penetrate the darkness engulfing him. They pulled him out of it before, but this was different. "Come back to me."

He tossed some more, almost knocking me off the bed. I kept my hand over his heart and spoke quietly while he struggled to relax.

"You want me to sing?" I asked, my voice quavering from the tears that threatened to fall. "I'll sing, Merrick."

He groaned and turned his head. When his eyes opened, I sucked in a sharp breath. Those light blue eyes were glossy from the fever. The strength it must have taken him to open them, was clearly overwhelming. But that wasn't what made my heart thud to a stop. Merrick opened his eyes and looked right at me, as if he could actually see me sitting beside him. Those beautiful, piercing eyes focused on my face and his body stilled.

Just as quickly as it happened, that focus was gone. His eyelids shut and he groaned again.

"I can't watch it, but I can't look away," he whispered.

I bent forward and slid my hand up to cup his cheek. Merrick sighed and the agony on his face softened.

"I'm here," I said.

His breaths evened out when I started to sing.

"This is the first day of my life

Swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach."

The feel of Merrick sinking into the bed was a relief. He was finally sleeping, finally calming down enough to rest. I kept singing softly. A lullaby I'd sing all night long if it kept him happy.

"Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don't know where I am

I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I'd let you know

That these things take forever

I especially am slow

But I realized that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home."

I took a deep breath and kept humming as I started to stand, but I didn't get very far. Merrick's hand found my wrist, startling me for a moment until I looked back and saw his eyes opened. This time, they weren't focused, just empty.

"Stay," he said, roughly. "Please, stay with me."

"I'm not going anywhere."

He pulled me back to sit on the bed, but just when I started to settle in next to his hip, he pulled me farther. I found myself lying next to him, his arm pressed against my lower back and his face buried in my neck.

It was surprisingly comfortable to have him pressed against me, even when he was burning up with fever. He settled in and sighed, holding me close.

"It's safe here," he muttered against my skin. "Right here. It's peaceful. Even though I can't see you, I feel you."

My nose started to sting. I closed my eyes to hold back the moisture filling them. If it was safety he needed, it was safety I'd give him. Any way I could.

Because I was in love with Merrick Thatcher.

I was in love with
all
of him. Even the parts he thought were broken. He was strong even when he didn't think he was, brave when he was scared. He was kind even when he was angry with life, and he made me laugh more often than not these days.

Merrick had his issues, but he faced them head on without realizing it. That made me love him even more.

The sudden realization took my breath away and the movement in my chest made Merrick come closer. He was plastered against me, his arms circling my waist tight enough that I wouldn't be able to pull away if I wanted to.

But I didn't want to.

I found my breath a moment later and continued the song.

"And you said, 'This is the first day of my life

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you

But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy'

So if you want to be with me

With these things there's no telling

We just have to wait and see..."

I started to drift, the stress of the last few hours catching up to me. I was too comfortable to keep my eyes open. So while Merrick's breaths tickled my skin, I hummed until sleep claimed me.

***

I woke that next morning to find myself still pressed against Merrick, only it was
me
plastered to
his
chest. It was warm. Too warm with his fever. I carefully climbed out of the bed, checking his temperature once more before leaving the room to let him sleep.

I found Micah in the living room, spread out on the couch with his phone on his chest. He woke when I walked into the room.

"How is he?" he asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"His fever dropped a little. He's finally getting some rest," I replied through a yawn.

"Good news. As long as it continues to drop, he'll be just fine."

I nodded, looking down at the floor and trying to get my bearings.

"You okay, Grace?"

"I'm fine. Did you call your parents?"

Micah sighed and looked at his cell phone. "I did. Mom freaked, but I think I convinced her that we had it under control. She agreed that there was no reason to come back early."

"Where are they?"

Micah just shrugged, seemingly unconcerned about it.

I found it odd that my parents had left town the same day Emma and Nathan did, but there was really no reason to be suspicious. They could do whatever they wanted. Even though the way my parents had left
was
questionable.

Mom avoided talking about where they were going, saying they just needed to get away for a few days. Dad just shrugged and said he was doing whatever Mom wanted him to do.

When I asked Keara about it, she informed me that it was a mystery to everyone at the clinic as well. She'd just been told to reschedule patients and close until Dad got back.

Once Merrick showed signs of a fever while we were sitting at that rest stop, I'd forgotten all about our parents and focused on him. I was his homecare nurse after all. It was my job.

The fear that overwhelmed me just happened to come with it.

Micah came and went throughout the day, checking on us when he wasn't sleeping or back at the hospital. Merrick woke a couple times, mumbling about being thirsty and trying to figure out where he was. His mind hadn't caught up with his body yet, but once we got him settled, he went back to sleep.

I was exhausted by the time Micah brought dinner.

"You should go home and get some rest," he suggested as we ate the pizza he insisted on bringing.

I was able to wake Merrick long enough to help him eat a bowl of soup before he passed out again, but I still felt guilty for eating a delicious pizza while he was in bed. Alone.

"I'm fine," I said around another bite.

"No, Grace. You aren't. You look like you've been to hell and back."

"Why thank you, Micah Thatcher. When did you become such a charmer?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "I learned everything I know from that man in there," he smirked, pointing toward Merrick's room.

"Well, then. You seriously have your work cut out for you," I stated around a slow yawn.

"Seems his charms work pretty well these days."

My head popped up as I choked down the chunk of crust I'd just started chewing on. "What do you mean?"

Micah shrugged and wiped his hands on a napkin before gulping down half his beer. "It means it worked on
you
, so I have hope."

"What worked on me?"

"Don't deny it, Grace. I see right through you."

"See what?" I asked, innocently.

"You're in love with my brother."

My eyes widened, my heart thudding to a stop before I kicked it back into gear with a deep breath and a swig of beer. I avoided his stare. "Why do you say that?"

"Because it's the truth. Only someone in love with my brother would have lasted this long with his grumpy ass. Only someone in love with Merrick would be the one to snap him out of the shit he's been dealing with."

"I haven't snapped him out of anything."

"You have."

I shook my head and suddenly my appetite was gone. The exhaustion I was fighting hit me hard. I dropped what was left of my slice of pizza onto the plate and sat back in my chair.

"Grace," Micah said, somberly. "I don't know if you know this, but Merrick is stubborn."

I snorted, "Ha! You think?"

He smiled at me and added, "Everyone knows that man has a head harder than granite, but everyone also knows that you've got a heart softer than feathers. You two fit together, and if seeing is believing, I think I believe."

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out because I had no idea what to say. Denying it would only disappoint me because Micah was right.

Like I discovered the night before, I was deeply in love with Merrick and I only fell further every day. But what about him?

"Merrick has too much going on in his life to think about–"

"Really?" Micah cut in. "You really think he's that blind?"

"I ... I don't know."

His brows drew together and the corners of his mouth turned down. "Neither one of you sees yourself very clearly, huh? That's too bad and also really sad. Maybe you both need a wake-up call."

"Micah."

"Do you love my brother?"

"Micah."

"Do. You. Love. My brother?"

My eyes closed while my heart lifted. "Yes."

"Good." He waited for me to open my eyes before demanding, "Don't stop."

He folded into another slice of pizza and that was that. The conversation was over and I couldn't think of anything else to talk about.

I rolled the idea of Merrick and me around in my head. Merrick had said things that made me think he felt
something
for me, but it was obvious he didn't think he was capable of those feelings. Yesterday was the first time he acted like he finally had things figured out. Like his injuries didn't make decisions for him anymore.

The whole day had been lighter, until his fever started. Even then, Merrick had come to a conclusion. It was obvious to me at the time, but I hadn't really thought about it until that short conversation with Micah.

Merrick wanted to live again and I was going to make sure he did.

***

I was dreaming.

I had to be dreaming because Merrick was gazing at me with that meaningful look on his face. The one he got when he talked about his family or when he talked to me about ... well, me. His eyes blazed with hunger as he did a slow burn down my body and back up. Then I was in his arms and he was kissing me and my whole body felt warm and tingly.