Virtue & Vanity (54 page)

“Isabelle,” Sebastian muttered my name and I turned to face him.

The expression on my face probably made him think I was afraid because he approached me like I was made of glass, exactly like he used to when I was terrified of him.

“There is nothing scary in that room, sweetheart. No need to be nervous. I swear.” He kissed my forehead and gave me another reassuring look.

I nodded and a weak smile danced on my lips as he opened the door and let me in. Out of all surprises, this was the biggest one. Somehow, my intuition warned me that I would probably be welcomed by the romantic sight of candles, wine, chocolate and rose petals which would oblige me to give myself to him. However, none of these things were there when we went inside. It was just a room; exquisitely beautiful and beyond luxurious, but still, just an ordinary room. No surprises there, at least not the ones I was almost sure I would find. I looked around, allowing my eyes to linger on the breathtaking furniture and works of art that hung on the wall. When my gaze settled on the bed, I swallowed loudly and looked at Sebastian in anticipation. Both of us held an intense, serious expression on our face, there was no more laughter. He approached me and lifted up my chin. I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t tremble. There were no scary flashbacks torturing my mind, no tears forming in my eyes. I wasn’t sad, but I wasn’t smiling either. I was really nervous because I didn’t know what his expectations were and what bothered me even more was that I didn’t know if I could meet them. With everything in me, I wanted to please him and make him happy. I wanted us to be happy.

“Isabelle...” He brushed his thumb along my jaw and that tingling, electric feeling caused by his touch started dancing on my skin again. “I understand if you’re not ready. We don’t have to make love tonight. We have our whole lives and thousands of nights ahead of us to do it. There is only one thing I expect of you tonight, and that is to see you smile.”

He said that we would
make love
and the sound of the phrase rolling off of his lips sent a pleasant shiver through me. I looked into his expecting eyes and smiled, just like he said he wanted me to. The bright green eyes lit up with fire and he pulled me into his strong embrace, resting his head on mine and inhaling the scent of my hair. He started whispering to me.

“From all the things that God gave me in this life, you are the most precious one and I will never let you slip from my embrace.” He took my hand and pressed it against his chest. “My heart belongs to you. It beats for you.
Forever.
” His voice rang with certainty that made me look up at him.

I led his hand towards my chest and let him feel the fast beating of my heart. “And my heart belongs to you.
Forever.
” I was swept away by the power of emotion building inside of me. One glance at him and I could tell he felt the same.

Our eyes locked as we were simultaneously hit by the realization that we wouldn’t be able the stay away. The force that was pulling us together was magnetic, undeniable and overwhelming. I came even closer to him and I felt the shivers running through his body. He felt it too.

“I love you, Isabelle,” he said with burning need and crushed his lips against mine in a kiss that blew away my mind and everything I thought I knew about the man in front of me.

Though only moments ago, I thought it was impossible to feel more than I felt, the kiss we shared took me to a whole new level of consciousness until I was nothing but sensation. Everything was color. Everything was filled with beautiful flowers and the smell of roses. Everything was sheer joy.

“Sebastian.” I tried to break our kiss because I had to tell him, but he was reluctant to take his lips away from mine.

He continued kissing me gently and with so much passionate hunger like he was a thirsty man who just found a drop of water in the driest desert.

“Sebastian.” I finally managed to get away from the kiss and I held my hand on his chest to get his attention and to avoid him kissing me again.

Both of us were still panting for air, crushed by the feelings. We just stared at each other for a few moments, unable to speak.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...” he said with painful honesty as his mind settled back into reality.

“No.” I smiled weakly and then tried to say as convincingly as I could because I didn’t want him to doubt my words. “I want this. I want you,” I whispered.

He looked at me with surprise and admiration in his eyes. An identical weak smile appeared on his lips as he laid his finger on mine.

“Shh. Not tonight, love.” He looked at me tenderly, letting me know he had already made this decision before we even entered the room.

I had to make him understand. He had to have thought I gave my consent only to please him. I had to let him know how I truly felt.

“Please, I need you. I want to be close to you. As close as possible.” I looked at him with sheer sincerity that couldn’t be mistaken for anything else than what it was. “Make love to me, Sebastian.”

A blush spread over my face when I bravely said the words that came straight from my heart and he observed me with amusement.

“You are so adorable. So perfect. So uncorrupted. You’re an angel, Isabelle.” He smiled at me, but then the light from his eyes suddenly got replaced by a sad undertone. “And I’m scared to touch you because I know you’re breakable. I would never forgive myself if...” There was so much sadness in his voice.

I looked at him and I was at the verge of crying. “You’re not going to break me, Sebastian. You can’t.” I shook my head. “Not after you’ve spent so much time putting me back together.”

“Isabelle—” he wanted to say something, but for the first time I wouldn’t allow him to speak.

“I had no hope, but now I have you. And I don’t care what anyone says.
You
make sense.
This
...makes sense.”

He looked at me like my words took him by the biggest surprise yet.

“God, I want you,” he said with striking sincerity like he had lost all control and then he kissed me again.

This time, he tenderly deepened the kiss even more than the first one. As I was succumbing to the emotions his kiss evoked in me, I felt his touch everywhere and I knew it was different because it was only a prelude of what was to come. The force of the kiss eventually subsided and his lips started spreading soft kisses along my cheeks and neck like he ached for me, like it would be painful for him to breathe without me. He needed me and I needed him. We were aching for each other. He suddenly stopped kissing and touching me. Instead of continuing our love game, he lifted up my chin and gazed at my face for a while. There was lust in his eyes, but he was noticeably keeping it at bay. He didn’t have to say anything. I knew what he wanted to ask. He wanted the confirmation that I was sure, that I really wanted this. I blinked and smiled a wide smile. Then I did something I never thought I would do again in my life. I undid the zipper on my wedding dress and let it slide down to the floor. My eyes followed it as it fell and for a moment, I was reminded of a bitter memory, but Sebastian quickly leveled my eyes with his again, chasing the demons of the past away. His eyes remained focused on mine even though my body was exposed for his gaze and he smiled when he noticed the deep blush on my cheeks. Not allowing myself to have second thoughts about this, I reached for his shirt and slowly undid the buttons, one by one. The look on his face was priceless, as he observed me in amazement, allowing me to take over control. Then I let the shirt slide down his shoulders and I rested my palm against his bare chest, touching his soft and warm skin. A lightning of burning desire and emotion flickered in his eyes and he gave me a light kiss, before carefully picking me up in his arms and carrying me to bed all the while looking at me with reassuring tenderness.

Chapter Fifty-Two

Our eyes locked in an expectant glare as he gently placed my body on the soft mattress. Turning to his side, he climbed into the bed and I followed his movement. We were facing each other, our breaths colliding and mixing into one magical substance that lurked in the air. I waited for him to take over complete control and wondered what it would be like, but he didn’t rush things. Instead, he took his time to soothe me and allow me to get used to the idea of closeness that was about to take place between us. At first, he only held me in his arms, stroking my hair, and laying occasional light kisses on my sensitive skin. Even the smallest threat of fear that would try to creep up my mind was instantly defeated by his overwhelming tranquility and gentleness.

I looked up at him and he took hold of my hand, leaning it on his hot chest. He didn’t have to say a word, because his soft gaze told me there were no limits to his patience and the revelation eased. Imitating his soft movements, I let my hand gently slid down and just like he had, I explored his body, memorizing the soft feel of his skin under my fingers. Eventually, he closed his eyes and the look on his face was breathtakingly beautiful.

There wasn’t even a slight trace of hesitation, but when my hand traveled to his waist, I paused and my eyes froze on the edge of his pants. Suddenly, I wasn’t so brave anymore, but more than fear, it was inexperience that troubled my mind. I wasn’t ready to take control over this. I didn’t know what to do. When I cautiously looked up at Sebastian, he smiled reassuringly like he could feel my discomfort.

He tugged me on my back and leaned over me, propping up on his elbow. Our eyes and lips were leveled up and I gazed at him in anticipation. His stare glittered with traces of desire and I knew he was about to take the next step. The look in those eyes should have scared me, but before I got the chance to think what it actually meant, he exhaled and hot air grazed my lips announcing a kiss which became a reminder that he meant to cause me no harm. His lips explored mine unapologetically and he deepened the kiss, demanding entrance with his tongue. Our panted breaths entwined and I felt hot and flustered all over, wondering if he would ever stop and miraculously praying that he wouldn’t. While he kissed me, his hands continued exploring my body, simultaneously undoing the buttons on his pants with cautious slowness as if he didn’t want to scare me. I was aware of what was about to happen and I knew there should have been at least light traces of fear troubling my mind, but at that moment, there weren’t.

The only thing I felt was this building heat and the small tingling need for something, but I didn’t know what. All I knew was that having him this close to me felt amazingly good, better than I ever thought it would and I wanted more—more of this, more of him. He let go of my lips and ran the tip of his nose down my chin, tilting it up to kiss my neck and my collarbones. When his gaze paused on my bra, he exhaled harshly and looked back at me. Green eyes on fire, at the verge of losing control gazed at me with intensity, searching for reassurance that it was okay for him to continue. A shy smile on my lips was all the confirmation he needed. His hand brushed against my back as he undid my bra and pulled it off with teasing slowness.

I felt exposed and ashamed, so I instinctively tried to cover myself with my hands. Seeing my discomfort, he returned his gaze to my face and I was overwhelmed by the affection that gleamed from his piercing stare.

He closed his eyes and whispered softly as he kissed my temple. “So sweet.” He continued caressing my hair and spreading small kisses along the contours of my face. “So beautiful.”

I gasped from the sudden burning fire of his touch on my skin.

“An angel without a single flaw.” He lowered his lips and they were almost touching mine as his breath grazed their delicate skin. “Please, tell me you’re real. Tell me you’re mine.” He placed a soft kiss on my lips.

“I’m yours,” I whispered and just like that, I eased the grip of my hands from my body and exposed myself to him.

He propped up on his elbow until he was leaning above me and his eyes roamed my length. When he looked at me again, I looked away because I felt self-conscious and fighting the embarrassment turned out to be harder than I thought.

“Look at me, angel,” he murmured and my eyes gradually met his.

He smiled and caressed my flushed cheek. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” I shook my head and he smiled. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen—inside and out.”

I looked at him in awe, smitten by him and the overpowering sentiment he evoked deep within me. Parting my lips, I leaned closer and draw in a breath before he accepted my invitation and kissed me slowly, achingly, lovingly. The sweetness of his lips, the tenderness of his touch and the calming green horizon in his eyes were almost too much to bear; too much to be true.

“Let me show you.” I heard his silent whisper as he kissed my chin. “Let me love you.” Fire burned against my neck and started trailing down my body. “Let me take you back to paradise where you came from.”

The touching and kissing game continued for a long time and I dreamily sunk into it, until his lips brushed against the top of my panties. His eyes snapped open and looked at mine, reminding me it was him, the man I loved, who asked for my surrender.

“It’s okay, dear. Nothing’s going to hurt you,” he mused. “I just want to give you something. You will like it, but if you don’t all you have to do is tell me and I promise I’ll stop.”

Not hiding the weariness on my face, I nodded, mentally deciding if he had assured me it would be okay, I would believe him, but when he pulled the edge of my panties, I winced in light apprehension. The moment his gaze landed back on my face, his lips touched me with the attention that brought inexplicable shame.

“Don’t be ashamed,” he whispered in that soft, gentle voice that could always bring me down to my knees. “There is nothing disgraceful about this. These feelings are nothing but pure. Isabelle, my love for you is nothing but pure.”

Without breaking eye contact, he spread small, loving touches along my lower belly, trying to get me to relax while he slowly took off my panties. Refusing to give me the time to become aware of my nakedness, he took hold of my hand, accentuating the approaching experience as something personal that would only bring us closer to each other.

Then, his lips traveled lower and he attempted to kiss me there, causing my legs to instinctively clench together.

“Easy, love. It’s okay. It’s okay,” he repeated over and over again.

All the while he caressed my legs, belly, hips and almost every other place except for the one where I was still reluctant to let him. But soon I felt the ticklish sensation right there where he hadn’t touched me at all and eventually, taken over by sheer instinct that defeated the voice of reason, my legs slowly started opening for him, naturally, as if there really hadn’t been anything wrong or shameful in all of this.

Sebastian smiled and he didn’t waste any time in taking advantage of my surrender. When his lips came to contact with my skin, I felt the expected uneasiness, but there was also a flicker of feverish warmth that rushed through me with such force that I couldn’t suppress a gasp that revealed I wasn’t as reluctant to let him do this as I appeared to be.

“I was right. You are the sweetest thing,” he said in a teasing voice and then he did it again.

At first with light caution, then deepening the kiss just like when he was kissing my lips. The evidence of shame still burned my cheeks, but there was also something that made me both curious and bold enough to let him continue. The feeling of uneasiness had completely faded away, until I was left shivering and panting for air while trying to deal with the pleasure that he managed to evoke with so much skill that I melted under the smallest touch.

“Sebastian, please... don’t...” I whispered in delirium and he stilled, making the torture even more unbearable. It took me a second to realize he thought I had asked him to stop, but I wanted exactly the opposite. “Don’t stop,” I muttered in one hot breath and the undertone of begging that was evident in my voice took me by surprise.

He smirked, my reply seemed to have satisfied him and the moment he returned his lips there, a rushing wave of warm current swept over me and I transcended right where he promised he would take me—paradise.

While I gasped for air, still captured in the world of dreamy reality where he sent me, I heard the tearing sound of the foil and a flashback vividly appeared before my eyes, but I pushed it back.

Like a man approaching a wounded animal, he slowly moved towards me, while I watchfully followed his movements, keeping my eyes on his. He leaned his forehead on mine and only then, was I struck by the realization that he was completely naked, lying on top of me. I swallowed, doing my best to stay calm and telling myself that I could do this.

“Do you want to stop?” His question caught me off guard and I was ashamed that he noticed.

“No,” I said in a vague whisper, not allowing myself to think.

He brushed his finger against my lips. “It’s okay if you do. I won’t get mad, angel. I told you that I’d understand if you’re not ready for this.”

The expression on his face told me that it took him a lot of effort to say those words and I could tell he didn’t like the idea at all, but he would honor his word. Even in a state of delirium, he paid attention to my feelings and more than ever, I wanted to return the favor.

“I’m ready, Sebastian,” I said in a clear, brave voice and he confirmed his acceptance of my honest words with a small nod.

Patiently, he allowed me to have a few moments of mental preparation and he didn’t do anything but stare at my eyes, exploring their depths as if he wanted to compel them to give away the emotions I tried to hide from him. The compassion that radiated from his glare prolonged the feeling of warmth he spread through my entire body only moments ago and it made me think that it might not be as bad as I thought it would. I tightly squeezed his shoulders, letting him know that it was okay, but when he settled his weight on me, I felt the proof of his excitement, and before I could rationalize that it was only normal for that to happen, the dreamy apparition of paradise was over and I winced, fearing that the sweetness and pleasure would now have to be replaced by pain and distress.

“Isabelle, sweetheart.” His humble voice broke through the silent room and my eyes snapped open, looking at his shiny green ones.

The desire that both tempted and scared me was still there, but there was also the soothing light and comfort that reflected in those loving, green jewels.

“Please, relax. There is no need to be nervous.” A weak smile teased his lips.

The troubling pressure of guilt pushed me to speak, and I parted my lips, wanting to offer an explanation that would account for my cowardly behavior, but Sebastian wouldn’t let me go through such torture.

“Shh,” he whispered in a tender voice and slowly pulled me back towards him, accounting for my part instead. “Don’t be afraid.” He gently caressed my flushed cheeks and smiled to offer an additional reassurance. “I’m not going to hurt you, love.” He gazed at me with compassion and whispered. “I would never hurt my angel.”

His promise echoed in my mind and the raspy tone of his voice was overwhelmingly revealing, letting me know he truly meant what he said, but the expectation of hurt and shame was still there. I held my breath, expecting that it would hurt and in preparation for the pain, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth so that I wouldn’t make a sound. He lowered his lips on my forehead and instead of moving, he completely stilled on top of me, that scary part of him only an inch from entering me.

“No, Isabelle.” The warm breeze of a tender whisper teased the sensitive skin of my neck. “Let me see your beautiful eyes.”

Despite the strong need to indulge him, I kept my eyes closed. I might have been nervous, but he didn’t have to know it. I didn’t want to disappoint him.

“Don’t fear this. I promise there will be no pain. I’ll be gentle.” Weightless, soft lips nudged against mine, silently pleading for me to believe him. “I’ll make it perfect, love.”

A hot breath ignited by the spark of his words escaped my lips. Even though I was about to travel into mysterious depths of the unknown, I knew I had to trust him and the gaze in his eyes that reflected nothing but the light of love, told me he was worthy of that trust.

“I’m not afraid of you, Sebastian,” I repeated the words in my mind and suddenly I felt the need to let him know how strongly I was connected to him. “I’m not afraid, love.”

The lightning of emotion flickered in his eyes and he took hold of my hand, squeezing it under his palm. Then, he leaned down to kiss me and while my mind got distracted by his soft lips, he gently pushed inside me, maybe only for a fracture of an inch. I was trembling, more because of my fearful expectation, than because of the actual experience.

“Shh,” he soothed, moving away the lock of hair from my face. “My sweet Isabelle.” He continued in such a slow pace that beads of sweat appeared on his forehead, revealing the level of his restraint. “You don’t know how much I love you.”

As I took in deep breaths, grasping the fact that this was happening and that it didn’t hurt like I had expected, his admission of love chased away the last traces of fear. Together with my body, I gave him my heart and my soul—all of me; and he accepted the gift, creating a slow, gentle and patient interlude of affection.