Viper: A Hitman Romance (15 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

JESSICA

I get in his car and my heart thrums along with the roar of his engine.  My body is vibrating and it's not just the powerful motor that's shaking me, it's every single one of these emotions that surge inside.

We hardly speak the whole ride.  As excited as we both are, we're both savoring the moment and trying to sort out the rush of emotions.

At least I am.

He drives us to a park, right off the harbor. 

Every bit of the bay is lit up in front of us in a panoramic sight.  I can see Yerba Buena Island, Treasure Island, the Bay Bridge, the whole of San Francisco glittering across the water.  It's beautiful.

I've seen this view a thousand times and I never get tired of it.

When I first came to Oakland, Connor and I spent a lot of time exploring all the different parks around the Bay Area.  Mainly because it's free entertainment and I was more broke than I've ever been in my life.  Also because there's something calming about being next to the water and hearing the sound of the ocean.  It's constant and comforting at a time when everything in my life seemed to be spiraling out of control.

Ryker exits his car and I follow him.  We make our way to a bench right by the water.  He's staring out at the waves and I can't stop staring at him.  Part of me still doesn't believe he's real.

I never thought I'd see him again.  The man came into my life like a tornado and left just as much confusion and destruction.  And yet, I want more.

"I was really messed up after you left," I say.

I turn back to watch the water, though I can still see him out of the corner of my eye and he's doing the same thing: staring straight ahead.

He doesn't answer.

"I tried you at your cell.  It was disconnected.  Do you know how alone I felt?" 

I see his jaw clench.  And my own body tightens up.  Talking to him, sorting out my emotions, I feel every dark thought and doubt from those first days after he left start to come to the surface.

"I was so messed up and I had
no one
to talk to.  I couldn't tell anyone a single damn thing about us.  I had to pretend like you didn't exist, like what we went through never happened, and it just ripped me to pieces. I had to quit my job, I had to move, I had to start over because every part in of my life in L.A. was broken, and it was all because of you."

I'm angry.  And I have every right to be.  Even though I love this man, how can he show up out of the blue and just expect everything to be OK?

"I'm sorry, Jessica," he says, his voice barely above a whisper.  "I wish it could have happened any other way, but I didn't have a choice."

I laugh because I hurt so much.

"You had no choice?  You kill a man in my home, you kidnap me, you make me compromise everything I believe in, and you say that you're the one that had no choice?  I was
completely helpless
, Ryker.  I was alone.  You had all the fucking power in the world.  You
chose
to abandon me."

"I chose to protect you," he says.  His voice is heated, intense, and his eyes blaze as he speaks.

I'm boiling inside.  What I went through for the past six months does not feel anything like being protected.  I was abandoned, left alone, and decimated.

"Don't lie to me, Ryker.  Not after all this.  You went off to your new life and you couldn't even answer the damn phone when I tried to reach you.  I was so scared, Ryker.  I was so messed up."

"I'm not lying, Jessica.  I would never lie to you."

I glare at him.  "Then tell me the truth."

"Do you think it was an accident that there was a fire at Drax's home the very same night he tried to kill you?  I went to his home, I put a bullet in his shoulder, I set that fire and I shot my way to his vault so I could made sure that drive was somewhere the feds would find it.  I knew the flash drive would get to you —  I wanted you to have an out.  And I wanted every bit of Michael Drax's attention on me."

I sigh.  "I erased the drive."

He turns and looks at me, surprised.  "You what?"

"I erased it.  I didn't want it leaking out and then him coming after you because he thought you didn't do your job."

He laughs, that same deep laugh that comes from deep inside.  "Damn, we are such a mess."

"I'm going to guess Key Largo isn't so peaceful."

Ryker shakes his head.  "I killed a few people that first month.  Guys Drax sent, of course.  But the visits stopped after that.  No one wants to take a job that they know will get them killed."

I take a deep breath.  The air is salty, cool, and calming.

"Have you seen Kylie?"

He nods, and I see the faint traces of a smile on his face. 

"She did another talent show a month ago.  It was the first time I've seen her since I left.  She is so talented, I can hardly believe it.  She's pulling rabbits out of hats, now,"  He chuckles, then turns to me.  "But every day in between, I feel empty.  And I know why that is: there's this huge hole inside me that needs you, that needs the happiness you bring into my life."

I'm stare at the water while his words wash over me.

"Ryker, I don't know…"

And I really don't.  The truth is, I feel like I'm adrift, being pulled by currents in so many different directions.  There's part of me that is giddy and excited and turned on beyond all belief that this man's come back for me.  And then, there's the part of me that's building a home here, with my brother and my kinda-sorta-boyfriend Jeff.

Can I really leave that?

My phone buzzes at me.  It's insistent and jarring and I can't help but look at it, because I realize I've left everyone back at the bar.

It's Connor:
Jeff's pissed you left, he went home. 
Y
ou ok? 

I'm fine.  At the park
. I reply.  And I give him my location.  I don't keep secrets from my brother.

I'm not surprised that my kinda-sorta boyfriend would leave.  Jeff is a perfectly nice guy, but nice guys like him tend to get pissy when things don't go exactly their way.  I know that he's hoping all the celebrating and drinking tonight would lead to us taking the next step in our relationship. 

"Jessica, talk to me."

I turn away from the water and look at him. 

"I spent forever trying to get over you, Ryker.  It was miserable, and I suffered for months because I was such a wreck and I couldn't tell anyone the real reasons I was so unhappy.  Do you know how much it hurt keeping that all inside?  But now, things here are finally starting to turn out ok…"

"But are they better?  Than before?  Than when we were together?" he says.

I shake my head.  Of course they're not better.

Jeff and his timid little hugs don't even compare to the way Ryker kisses me, the way I feel like I'm going to be consumed and overwhelmed by the man's sheer force and passion.  I've never felt so alive as when I was cuffed to his bed, writhing underneath him in the type of passion I thought only lived in my fantasies.

"You know they're not.  But do you know how hard it is to settle down here?  To finally convince myself that some day, things would be ok?  And now, I'd have to leave Connor, and my job, and my friends, and start all over again," I say.

"You have every right to be upset at how things turned out, but all I'm asking is that you give me a second chance.  I want to show you the kind of man I really am

"I love you, Jessica.  Like I've never loved anyone," he says.

He slips his hand under my chin and now I'm looking in his eyes.  "I've spent my whole life keeping my feelings locked away, just to survive the things I had to do.  But I can't fight how I feel for you."

I kiss him.  I claps my hands behind his head and I kiss him like I've done a million times in my dreams since that weekend six months ago, when my heart and I were his hostage.

We separate, both breathing heavy.

"I love you, too," I say.

"Come with me.  I need you."

My heart feels too big for my chest and I am
panting
. 

He kisses me again, he overwhelms me,
consumes
me, and I feel his hands running up my back, just as mine run up his.  I feel every familiar, hard muscle under his shirt, I smell his scent, I lose myself in him.

Ryker, I want you.  I want to be a part of your life.  More than anything.

My heart is racing with the possibilities.  Thinking about waking up in his arms, about seeing him every morning, about falling asleep with my head on his chest.

I'm the most excited I've been in months.

I'm smiling so much, it's hard to kiss him.

A car pulls into the parking lot, disturbing our solitude.  Bright headlights illuminate us in the dark and I hear the sound of a car door opening and closing.  We separate.

"Jess?" a familiar voice calls.  It's Connor.

I fall back down to earth.

I get up from the bench, I try not to look at Ryker, at his questioning eyes, at the confused expression on his face.

"Jessica?" he says.

"I have to go," I say, simply, and start towards the car.

I can feel the tears welling inside me.  I know it'll be months before the pain in my heart goes away.  I should have known better than to open myself up again, to allow myself to think that I could just leave.  My family and my friends need me here.  I have a job, I have a life.  Leaving is just crazy.

I get to the car and Connor instantly senses that something is wrong.

He looks from Ryker back to me.  "Did he hurt you?" he asks.

I shake my head.  "No.  Just drive, ok?"

"Jess, what's wrong?"

I hug my brother and I turn into a mess, crying into his shoulder.  How can I be expected to go months more, keeping my pain to myself, until I finally get numb enough that I can call my fucked-up situation 'normal'?

I just can't do it
.

I tell him.

I tell him
everything
I've held back from him.  It spills out of me, like some cathartic waterfall of fears and doubts and every little vulnerability that I've kept to myself for all these months.

I tell him about how I came to know and love the man who took me; I tell him how much I've been broken since the night Ryker left me.  I tell him how much I
hurt every day
. 

And I tell him why there's no way I can go with the man that I love.  It kills me even opening myself up to that stupid hope.

Connor listens through all of it.  Every weeping word.

Then, he looks at me, right in my glossy tear-filled eyes.

"Jessica, go back to him."

"What? I
can't
,
Connor.  Haven't you listened to a word that I've said?"

He shakes his head.  "Jessica, you've spent your whole life taking care of me.  But I don't need that now.  You need to take care of yourself.  You need to live for yourself. 
Go to him
. 
Be happy
."

I hesitate, and he lets out an exasperated sigh.

"Jessica Amelia Roan, go!"

"I love you, Connor."

"Yeah, yeah, just don't forget to visit, ok?"

I hug him.  Tighter than I've ever hugged him before.  A smile is breaking out on my face, it's so wide that it hurts, and when I let him go, I can see he's smiling too.

"Thank you."

It's hard to explain, but I feel like he's just released me.  I feel like, after all these years, I'm finally set free.  For so much of my life, I've looked out for my brother because he's the only one I've had.  I had to hear him say it — that he would be ok — before I could even allow myself to feel like I can go after what I truly want.

I get out of the car. 

The night is bright with possibilities.  The air smells fresh and clean and the moon in the sky seems to shine just for me.

Ryker is still on the bench, staring of towards the Bay.

With each step closer to him, I feel my heart grow lighter in my chest.

With each step, my smile grows larger.

I feel like I'm flying.

I sit next to him.

Without saying a word, he pulls out two cigars and holds them out.  I reach out and take one.  He lights it. 

I pop it into my mouth and take his hand, giving it a tight squeeze.

He's smiling at me around the lit cigar in his mouth.