Verita (32 page)

As usual, the rock of the small lake is like reflective white marble, and the berries abundantly surround the water. Ryan and I bathe and eat in silence. Then I stretch out on the warm rock to dry. I consider staying where I am for the day, but I know we have to go. Begrudgingly, I get dressed and get ready to leave. I start to walk but feel Ryan’s hand on my shoulder. I turn toward him, and I’m surprised to see tears brimming in his eyes.

“I thought you were going to die yesterday too.”

He grabs me by the waist and pulls me against him. I felt his soft lips on my forehead. With his free hand, he tilts my chin up and stares into my eyes, into my soul. I can’t look away from his vibrant green eyes. They hold so much pain, anguish, and love all at the same time. He bends down and tenderly brushes his lips across mine. He pauses, and when I don’t resist, his lips find mine again, and he kisses me. I eagerly kiss back. His kisses are long, sweet and gentle, but behind them is a fierceness. I feel his intensity as all of the anticipation, longing and desire that has been building between us is released. I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer to me, finally free to show him how much I yearn for him. But all too soon, he pulls away from me.

 
“Sorry,” he apologizes and turns away from me.

“For what?” I’m hurt and confused. Why is he apologizing for kissing me? Is it because he still wants to be with Kelly and I’m just a substitute?

“For everything.” He drops his head into his hands. “For not bothering to ask you how you feel. For waiting until you almost died to let you know how I feel.” He shakes his head, angry with himself.

Relief washes through me. I grab him by the shoulder and turn him back around. “Let me show you how I feel then.” I pull him back to me and kiss him then, opening myself, trying to let him feel all the emotion pulsing through me. His mouth wanders from mine. His hand wanders through my hair, and he pulls me even closer. He traces my face with his lips, stopping to kiss me on the ear then down on my neck. I run a hand through his hair and with the other I trace the muscles on his arms and back. For once my body and mind are in synch; I’m aware of all my senses instead of overwhelmed by them. I glide a hand over his chest, feeling the heat of his body through his shirt. I reach up and rest my hand on his neck, pull him down towards me. Breathing in the scent of his skin, I slowly kiss his neck, his ear, his chin; his soft beard that has grown tickles my cheek. I find my way back to his warm, soft lips. I can taste the sweet berries lingering on his tongue. I gasp dizzily; I’ve forgotten to breathe.

Ryan pulls me against him, but we both lose our balance and tumble to the ground. After untangling ourselves, I rest my head on his chest, and we both laugh.

“I guess I should apologize too,” I say, stroking his arm.

“How about we call it even?” he offers. He runs his fingers along my spine: a tingle of electricity courses through me

“Okay, even,” I sigh, and cuddle further into his arms.

We stay wrapped in each other’s arms, just staring into each other’s eyes. Neither one of us is willing to leave this moment by the lake.

 
“So when did you first know?” Ryan asks as his hand twirls a strand of my hair. He clarifies: “How you felt.”

“I guess I’ve known for a while. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. It took you almost dying from that damn flower before I couldn’t deny it anymore. But I had no idea how you felt. So I kept it to myself,” I admit.

To my surprise, Ryan starts laughing. “Well aren’t we just two peas in a pod?” I sit up and look at him, wrinkling my forehead in confusion. “When you woke up and explained to me how you, Caper and the other
meerkit
saved me, I almost kissed you right then and there. I only stopped because I knew you didn’t feel the same way. I realized you would have done the same thing if it were Molly or Jake lying in the igloo.”

“Well in a way I guess we need to thank the pan-wolf.” I reach over and lazily stroke his hand with my fingers.

“I won’t hunt it down and kill it as long as it keeps away from the base. How’s that for a thank you?” He chuckles. It’s a warm, deep, intoxicating chuckle.

“Fair enough,” I confirm. We wrap ourselves in each other’s arms and close our eyes, enjoying the feeling of the sun beating down on us.

Eventually necessity forces us to continue our long walk. Ryan leans over and presses his cheek to mine. “We need to leave,” he whispers in my ear.

“I know,” I sigh, and allow Ryan to pull me to my feet.

We don’t walk as we did before. Now we alternate between walking hand-in-hand and wrapped in each other’s arms. It feels natural, as if we have skipped over the initial awkwardness that new couples usually go through. I can’t believe I fought against this for so long.

Chapter 24

Making camp that night, we have to reconsider our sleeping arrangement. It now has a new meaning for us. “We both need to stay warm,” I point out.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he insists.

I smile. “I’m very comfortable in your arms.”

“You know what I mean,” he scolds.

“Look, we’re just going to sleep next to each other like we’ve been doing all these weeks.” I slide into the sleeping bag and pat the spot beside me.

“It’s not the same now.” Ryan crosses his arms; he isn’t planning on leaving his side of the igloo.

“If it makes you feel better we can give each other some ground rules. Our hands remain above the waist, and the sleeping bag is just for sleeping.”

“Can I at least kiss you goodnight before we fall asleep?” He smiles his crooked grin at me.

“Don’t push your luck.” I laugh, but I know if he starts kissing me, I won’t want to stop.

“So, seeing we’re already on the topic, we’re taking things slow, right?” He slides into the sleeping bag next to me.

“I think that’s best, until we get home, at least.”

I close my eyes and breathe him in. It feels so good to finally have his arms around me, and to know it’s for more than warmth or keeping nightmares at bay.

“Me too. Sweet dreams,” he whispers.

“You too,” I murmur back.

I’m asleep before I realize it, and I start to dream. In my dream, Ryan is walking across the base towards me. He smiles at me, and I smile back. It feels so good to be back at home with him. As he comes close I raise my arms to hug him, but he brushes right by, knocking my hand out of his way. I turn bewildered and see Kelly standing behind me. Ryan wraps his arms around her and gives her a long kiss.

“I’ve missed your touch, Kelly; there’s nothing like it,” he coos in her ear.

“I’ve missed yours too, baby,” Kelly replies. She pulls him back to her and starts kissing him again, chirping and purring.

“Hey, wake up, sleepy.” I feel a kiss on my neck.

“You’re breaking the rules already. The sleeping bag is for sleeping,” I grumble.

“I’m not in the sleeping bag, so technically I’m not breaking any rules.” He tussles my hair and laughs at me. “Besides, if you don’t get up Caper’s going to have a fit. He’s not used to having you sleep so soundly.”

I certainly don’t feel like I slept soundly. “Okay, I’m up.” I stretch.

Ryan reaches to kiss me, and I push him back. “Morning breath,” I warn. He laughs and settles for my forehead.

As we eat breakfast, I find myself staring at Ryan. His hair had grown pretty shaggy over the last month. I like the look on him. I muse about what it will feel like to kiss him without the soft tickle of his beard and to feel his bare, warm cheek against mine.

“What?” he finally demands – I haven’t stopped staring.

“Can you do me a favor when we get back home?” I ask in a coy tone.

“Depends on what is,” he cautions me.

“Keep the hair and lose the beard.”

“Does the beard bother you when we—” His voice trails off, and his face drops in disappointment.

“No. No, it’s nothing like that. I’m just curious what it will feel like to kiss you without it. You can always grow another beard later if you want.” I reach over with my fingers and play with his facial hair.

“Sure,” he replies shrugging his shoulders, but I see the relief in his expression.

We begin to pack up camp. My finger brushes against something hard in my pack, I look and see that it’s Brody’s ring. We’re both anxious to get home, but I’m dreading telling Brody.

“Wait.” Ryan grabs me around the waist and pulls me to him. “I still haven’t had my morning kiss.” He leans down and gently kisses me. I feel a warm rush of emotion flood my body and begin kissing him back. Too soon he pulls away. “If we don’t stop now, I’m liable to spend the whole day with you here.”

Reluctantly, we both grab our packs and head out.

It’s quiet most of the morning as we walk. I can’t shake last night’s dream and what it means. If I’m right about the pods, as soon as we start sleeping in them again we will have renewed feelings for Kelly and Brody, and that’s the last thing I want.

It’s so remarkably different kissing Ryan than it is Brody. With Brody, my body overrides my mind and takes control. With Ryan, all my senses are sharpened, combined together in the moment. Brody’s kisses leave me wanting more, yearning for something unnamed. Ryan’s kisses leave me satisfied, complete, whole. It only reinforces my theory on the pods. I need to figure out how to avoid the pods from changing our feelings. We’ll be placed in quarantine when we get back, so I won’t have a chance to get
Andi’s
advice.

I try to remember what I can about the pods. A laugh escapes me – the solution is so simple.

“Something amusing?” Ryan looks over at me and brushes my cheek.

“Just a random thought,” I answer.

He quirks an eyebrow at me. “Care to share?”

“Not really.” I reach over, pull Ryan to me, and kiss him. It’s not fair, but it distracts him for me. Besides, I feel like celebrating. All I have to do is convince him to sleep upside down in his pod, and we’ll be all set.

“You should have random thoughts more often,” he chuckles, and we continue walking.

In the beginning of the week, the terrain starts to look familiar. By the end the week, we’re seeing familiar landmarks from our maps and we know we’re almost home. Begrudgingly I tackle the elephant we’ve been avoiding. “Have you decided what you are going to do about Kelly?” I ask.

Letting out a long, frustrated sigh, Ryan says, “I’m going to have to tell her.”

“Yeah, I know. But have you thought about just how are you going to? Do you know
what
you’re going to tell her? First she thinks you’re dead, then she finds out you’re alive, then you break up with her. She’s going to be an emotional wreck.”

Shrugging his shoulders, he says, “I can always hope she’s moved on to someone else.” He looks down at the ground, kicking aside pebbles as he walks.

“I know this isn’t a comfortable topic, but we both need to figure out what we’re going to do.” I sigh. Being the other woman isn’t something I’m comfortable with. It’s not a role I’d ever thought I’d have in my life.

“Have you any ideas?”

“No. Not really.” I can’t think of any way to spare their feelings entirely; all I can think of is how to soften the blow.

“But…?” Ryan prompts, guessing correctly that I have more to add.

“The only kind thing I can think of is giving them some time to get over the shock of seeing us alive again.” It’s my turn to look at the ground and kick the pebbles.

“So what you’re saying is we keep our relationship a secret when we get back.” Ryan pulls his hand out of mine.

“Ryan, please don’t be like this. I’m not asking you to keep it a secret forever. If there was no one else involved, I’d shout my love for you from the rooftops.” I swallow my breath as I realized what has just slipped from my mouth.

Ryan stops in his tracks. “You love me?”

My face flushes red, and I start to panic. I hadn’t meant to say love. I don’t want to freak him out. Saying the L word too soon could ruin any relationship. “Well, um… don’t freak out. That’s a bit strong of a word. What I really should have said was—”

I stop in mid-tongue-tied-sentence as Ryan pulls me to him and kisses me hard. I grab onto him for balance and kiss him back. I truly feel weak in the knees and I know that no one has programmed me to.

“I love you too,” he whispers in my ear, and then proceeds to kiss my neck.

“Really?” I breathe.

“Really.” He grabs my face in his hands and stares at me. I smile back, overwhelmed by emotions.

We spend the next hour walking wrapped in each other’s arms. Periodically Ryan leans down and kisses my neck or forehead. I’m elated. He loves me too.

“So for how long do you want to keep us a secret?” Ryan asks, busting my blissful trance.

 
“I don’t really want to keep it a secret at all,” I sigh. “Well have to keep it quiet through quarantine, and then maybe give them a week to let them down easily.”