Vagina Insanity (8 page)

Being paranoid and aggravated, feeling dejected from
the society, I got so disturbed that I was unable to sleep in
nights. Seeing the parapet wet, the overnight drizzling had taken a
toll on my health. There was a rainbow, but it was with no
beginning, no end, just an imitation of fake colors, and a mockery
on the face of Dark Death. Even in the fall, the raindrop had its
pride, its own moment of glory, the rebound and ultimate merging
into the nature leaving me an existing representation of
non-existence. The pavement of wilderness was giving shocks on my
soul making me feel a live curse on the earth. Waiting for miracles
from the churlish, selfish and euphoriant world was of no use. The
limestone region in the dearth of sympathy was standing with a
scourge at my every footstep.

Feeling evaded, not knowing what I was supposed to
do, no life…no death…no solace…no peace...no forgiveness…just with
fading identity I passed a period of six months. Not being bestowed
upon by the smile on my face, just left out by grace and mercy, I
was known to nobody. Who wanted to know me? Not even myself. The
life was being dragged away with the screeching silence into
nothingness, as hollow as a sheer blank page.

As the time passed, it instilled some energy in me. I
published an advertisement in the Hindustan Times newspaper for the
vacancy of a computer teacher. I got a call from Julia Thomas – the
native of Kerala, South India, who was staying with her cousin in
Delhi. She came for the interview next day. In her resume, she had
mentioned that she was a degree holder in computer science. I
believed what was mentioned and did not ask her to show
certificates. After getting appointed, she started teaching
computer and I was taking English classes. She was a hot-tempered,
aggressive and irritable kind of woman. Sometimes, she used to
behave franticly as if she was having some mental disorder.

I still let her continue teaching because of her
communication skill in English, which was a plus point to the
institute. The other candidates, who used to come for interview,
were not able to speak English, and if some of them were able to, I
was not able to pay them the salary they expected. I remember a day
when a very decent and qualified female candidate came for the
interview, but when I told her the salary, she started coughing
upfront showing how ridiculous she felt.

Seeing Julia’s abnormal behavior I wanted to sack her
off but her dedication for the work made me change my decision
several times. After a month, she started telling me all her
personal problems. The fist was that she was being sexually
molested by her cousin. The situation was very problematic to her
but she never gave me a clear picture of her family members but
always said that they were well-to-do in Kerala. She told that her
maternal cousin was staying in the USA who wanted to take her
there.

A mystified image created by her was quite enough to
trap an innocent mind. An illusion that she created and the lies
she pretending-to-be-honest said, made me a little doubtful of her.
But, having no choice, I had to show that I believed her because my
doubt wasn’t taking me anywhere. I had to accept the reality that
she was a figure among cipher. She belonged to Kattapana, Idduki
district of Kerala.

I learnt from her a lot about Christianity and
studied the Bible as well. My belief for Christianity increased
because the people of Hinduism and Islam had given a great wound to
my heart. The thing that had happened in my past could have never
happened if I were a Christian. You will never hear a gun-marriage
happening in Christianity, and no Christian man ever goes to behead
his daughter’s lover.

I was finalizing my thought of living life with her
because loneliness was ready to grind me into sands.

Success also hurts when you don’t have a loved one to
wish you, and failure also looks beautiful when you have a loved
one to support you. When the clouds of sorrow gather over us, we
see nothing beyond them, nor can imagine how they can be dispelled;
yet a new day succeeds to the night. I was in the adverse need of a
support.

“Till you understand the new trick of the world, the
world learns another.”

Chapter Seventeen

“The biggest fundamental of life is that there is no
fundamental of it.”

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one
understands you; it is when you do not understand yourself. The
best revenge is just moving on and getting over it. Don’t give
someone the satisfaction of watching you suffer. You cannot dream
yourself into a character: you must hammer and forge yourself into
one.

She continued teaching in the institute and her
effort started giving commercial support to my stand. Four months
passed and there came a day when she came to me crying bitterly.
She told me that her brother, who was studying as a novitiate to
become a Catholic priest, was killed by an acquainted person in
Utter Pradesh, North India. At that point of time I wanted to
contact her parents but she did not let me. She left for Kerala on
the same day and after fifteen days came back and got into the
continuation of the job. I could never know the exact reason of his
brother’s death. According to what she said, the man who killed
him, wanted to establish a homosexual relation with him, during
which the fight occurred, and he was killed.

When she came back, I insisted her to let me talk to
her parents, but she stopped me again giving some lame excuses. She
said that her parents would talk to me only after I marry her. It
was a catch-22 for me. She bound me with a reason that her parents
did not know Hindi or English at all. Though her mother was from
Hindi speaking state, yet she did not speak the language because
she had spent twenty years of her depressed life in Kerala, so she
had forgotten the language. It was surprising but I had to
believe!

Seeing the situation dubious, I asked her to show the
educational certificates. At that time she fought with me like a
mad woman. Many a times she pretended to commit suicide also. I was
caught up in a dilemma about getting married to her. On the one
hand, her brother had passed away and she was the only member to
feed her family, but on the other, she was proving herself mentally
disheveled.

There are two ways to constructing a piece of
software: one is to make it so simple that there are obviously no
errors, and the other is to make it so complicated that there are
no obvious errors. As she knew I might decline to marry, she played
her last trick!

The way she started confusing me was quite new in
itself. From time to time, she started showing me some emails sent
to her by the cousin who was staying in America. In the email it
was mentioned that he was finding a job for her there. I could
never understand that she herself used to send those emails to her
account just to make a show off. She thought, by doing that, her
status would be uplifted in my eyes. Considering those emails
genuine, I thought if she got settled there which I couldn’t do,
that would be good for our future. Though I had been cheated many a
times and I had learnt a lot from past, yet the new tricks
appearing with new faces were difficult to understand. I believed
whatever she said and I got myself sure that if I marry her, things
would get better in our life and we would be able to support each
other.

I couldn’t look at the reality which was engraved
under the feet of my expectation ready to ruin my life again. I
could not perceive that all the information about her education and
family was totally wrong.

Till now, she was still showing her emails to me and
I was planning to secure future with her. The time was passing, the
competition was increasing in market, and the institute started
going through a lot of commercial fluctuations. In the year 2002, I
could never see a good income coming out of the business because of
the competition. Every month a new computer center was opening in
the locality. Finally, I decided to close the institute and get
settled with her in Kerala.

“It is not that I am so smart; it is just that I stay
with problems longer.” –Einstein

Chapter Eighteen

“It is better to light a candle than to curse the
darkness.” –Columbus

Character without courage is ineffective, and courage
without character is oppression. We have to prove it not just with
words but deeds. Sometimes, we hope for the best but we have to
prepare for the worst. You know you might stumble, but what would
you do when you have no other way to go?

When all else is lost, the future still remains…

Carrying more than thirty thousand rupees, and with
bag and baggage, we reached Kerala. A room was booked in a nearby
lodge for me until we get married. The first thing she did that
took all the cash from me saying she would keep that in her mom’s
account for the safety purpose. She introduced me to the church
priest and society, and everything was quite convincing to me. I
was learning a lot about Christianity; the prayers, hymns, baptism,
Holy Communion… almost everything…

During the week, as I got a little familiar to the
people around, I wanted to find out the truth about what she had
told me about her family. Communicating with them was a great
problem for me because no one except the priests knew Hindi or
English in the locality. After a few days of struggle, I knew the
reality that as much she had told me about her family, even half of
that did not exist. The family was so poor that they were surviving
on the church’s monetary support. There was no good house to stay.
Her father was a big drunkard and whorer. The family’s condition
was totally in lurch. Seeing all that, I urged to see her
educational certificates again, but she gave me all wrong excuses
hiding the truth. A big fight took place that day in which I was
wounded.

Her violent nature got strong root to make her mad
day by day. To my surprise, one day I saw that in the anger of
feeling hungry, she blew the snot out of her nose and swallowed
that.

‘Oh, shit!’

I could say that much only. Her mom supported her a
lot and told me that all her documents were lost in the train while
she was in the journey to New Delhi for the first time.

Out of the frying pan into the fire! I thought.

With eyes turned misty, blurred vision, parched lips,
I lied on the ground withering in pain while looking at the blank
sky. With no focus, my pupils were dilating and trying hard to come
to a point where I could see. I could see something physical at
least, if not the far askance look which was trying to search my
soul for questions unanswered for eons, where the entire life was
drifting away. Trying to hang on to my fleeting moments by mere
hanging the intangible threads of my shredded life’s cocoon was
giving me a scuffling challenge.

I wanted to get my money back but I failed because
she had already swallowed up forever. From the second week onwards,
the things started getting bitter. Finally, she thought of telling
me the all truth assuming I would have mercy on her. But the
mistakes she had committed were too big to be forgiven.

She revealed the truth in her own words that she was
a ninth-standard failed school drop-out.

‘Oh fuck!’

I thought for a moment.

‘Then why did you lie to me?’ I enquired.

‘I am sorry,’ she could say that much only.

I gave her a big slap, and angrily, I caught her
throat to strangle. I kept on asking her why she lied to me and she
had no answer. There was no word in her mouth. She just begged
pardon for all she had done. My life appeared to be finished at
that moment. Hearing that, I felt my face smacked by a stone-handed
devil. She was accusing her poverty for everything. Feeling the
heart burnt, when I spoke to her mother, she blamed her drunkard
and brothel-stuck husband as he never took care of the family.
Julia had no cousin staying in the USA and her starving family had
no option but to spend my money to survive.

I got my mind cluster-fucked!

With a blob formed in throat, I labored to gasp for
filling my lungs to survive. A vast blank horizon stared back at me
mocking my very existence, my dignity, my soul itself. I stared
back…blank…dead eyes…no feelings…no emotion…absolutely with
nothing, into nothingness. I was asking myself whether I was
created for the sake of just punishment. Where did I err…or why did
God err?

“The laws of the universe cannot be annulled in
behalf of a single petitioner.” –Ambrose Bierce

Chapter Nineteen

“The world is not willing to welcome those who find
problems only. It needs those who find solutions.”

The living condition of her family was as worst as of
the tribal’s of an interior hilly area. The money she took from me
was gone forever. If that much was enough, I would have still
married her. But the next thing what she did with me was so cruel
that I was left flabbergasted. At a strange place, I was left to
drag in the streets of Kerala seeking a shelter for months. Such a
gruesome cheating!

Till now, she was still trying to patch up, but for
me everything was fishy around. She would come to see me in the
lodge so viciously as if she was digging my grave behind. I went to
the church and informed everything to the priest to seek justice.
This time, to save the family from facing insult, she played with
words and asked forgiveness from the society. Holding head in hand
and standing at the darkened crossroad, I was listening to the
priest’s advices. Ultimately, the decision of him went in her
favor. The torture killing my morality, and the humiliation upon
humiliation embedded into the core of my soul were leaving a blotch
of the questions – what did I do to deserve this? Was this the
wrath imploded of the mortals or the immortals??