Uschi! (9 page)

And that’s when the Nissan’s door batted into him at a tremendous rate of speed and might. Put him back on the ground, spread-eagled and head bouncing off the asphalt like a dribbled basketball. He put the one eye he had to work and looked up at Uschi. Her watermelon tits were as big as ever, she was richly gore-slimed from top to bottom, and the glass pieces in her skin and slutty clothing caught the light and twinkled. Uschi blessed Li’l Bocephus with a smile; she was in desperate need of dental floss, the ample and unattractive chunks of meat and gristle lodged between teeth unavoidably obvious.

“Funny how the world operates, isn’t it?” And she discarded the car door and lowered herself to sit sidesaddle on top of Li’l Bocephus’s chest. She crossed her legs and rested joined hands on her knee. Her additional weight caused Li’l Bocephus’s unoccupied abdominal vault to sink in like a pothole on a busy residential street, and a number of ribs cracked like celery stalks. Once things finished resettling, she continued, “A new surprise seems to take you every other second. Example: You think the Miracle Whipped feces from your best thing is the absolute finest culinary delight there can be. Then cheeseburger and roadkill arrives on the scene and opens your taste buds up to a whole new perspective of greatness. There will never be any better than that. And now your extra spicy self shows up on my radar and tells me the good stuff can just keep getting better and better. Don’t try to deny it. You are one scrumptious motherfucker. I simply can’t get enough of you. I am afraid I’m going to have to eat on you until I bust.”

The little hairs along the eyebrow above Li’l Bocephus’s destroyed eye were squirrelly, tangled and going every which way. Uschi used the tip of her finger to stroke them down straight and even. She then leisurely inserted her finger inside the empty socket, eyelid freely parting for her. She swished it around in there for one complete revolution and neatly succeeded in prying her digit between the cheekbone and flesh. Uschi curled her finger like a hook and pulled back. The skin and meat on that entire side of the face from beneath the socket to all the way to the jawline ripped loose and came off the bone. Tendons popped like old fishing line. Even a quarter of the upper lip was taken, leaving behind on the mouth a cleft-palate condition. She shoved it all into her mouth and chewed under a dozen times before swallowing. His beard stubble was rough against the inside of her throat.

Uschi positively tingled in delight. Boy-howdy, that were good shit. Almost better than sex. But only almost.

Finally, Li’l Bocephus found the initiative to resist. He arched his back and bucked Uschi off of him. He next jumped up and used both hands to lift his loose intestines and organs up and sling them over his shoulder in the same fashion a fireman carries a hose. Then, spider quick, he ran some twenty feet away from the thing that was treating him like a bucket of fried chicken on Superbowl Sunday. The tail end of the viscera running down his backside was touching the ground and slithering along behind him, collecting more trash and dirt.

Distance gave him the courage to turn around and act mouthy. “This ain’t over,” he told Uschi, who was squatting down on her haunches and yet to try and pursue the bow hunting fan bloodsucker. “No, not by a long shot is this shit over with. You hear me? I’ve put my mark on you.” His one eye hunted out Denny. “And you, too, retardo. Oh, I am not about to forget you. My mark is all the fuck on you just as much. I can find y’all anywhere on the face of the earth any goddamn time I choose. And I will get y’all. But not right now. This shit is to be continued.”

And with that Li’l Bocephus went adios and was out of there. He vanished into the pitch-black shadows from whence he originated. The last of him to go his flaccid tail of guts, the darkness sucking in and swallowing it like spaghetti going down a fat man’s gullet.

Denny hustled over to Uschi and offered a hand to help her to her feet. “That was some sure as shit ultra-fine ass kicking you just did there, sugar cube. I mean, whoa, you were the Infra-Man to that boy’s Princess Dragon Mom.”

The homemade zombie girlfriend smiled at hearing the high praise from the man she loved. “Thank you kindly.”

Shell-shocked and slack-jawed faces had returned to the Dairy Queen’s windows, drinking in all the parking lot wildness. Uschi and Denny both became aware roughly at the same moment of the eyes upon them. Silently and simultaneously they turned their heads in the direction of the Peanut Gallery.

“Howdy.” And Uschi raised a hand and waved at them like they were all her good friends. “One hell of an action packed night we’re having so far, ain’t we?”

Denny recognized the waitress who’d waited on him in the crowd. She had a “What the fuck?” expression on her face that was just too much to describe.

“For the curious,” Uschi explained, “that vampire boy who just hightailed it outta here, he is the best tasting person I’ve yet to sink my teeth into. God as my witness, I am not done eating his flesh. And this fine dick-equipped boy standing next to me I can safely and confidently say is the best fuck artist to ever live. Seriously. Any girl would be mucho lucky to get diddled by him. His fuck skills are potent. Wave to the folks, best thing.”

He actually had his hand halfway raised and about to start waving before his brain caught up to the moment and advised him not to do that.

“Honey, I think it was time we get while the getting is good,” said Denny, and already inching along toward his faithful El Camino, just waiting for the okay from Uschi before breaking out in a full scale run. He had a hand in his pocket, digging for his keys.

“You sure you want to go now?”

“I’m sure. We need to go.”

“You don’t want anything else to eat? Maybe a sundae or an ice cream sandwich?”

“No. I’m full. All I want to do is leave.”

“Okay. Then let us boogie-woogie on off these premises.” One last look back at the people in the Dairy Queen. She smiled warm and friendly at them while giving a cute salute. “Y’all have a good one, you here.”

Chapter Three

W
hen home again at the Big Kahuna Trailer Park Oasis, Uschi made a beeline straight for the shower. She invited Denny to join her, seductively promising she’d scrub his back and make certain he had the cleanest balls in all of North Texas, but he begged off. Denny was a devout one shower a night kind of guy. However, he did keep her company by putting the toilet seat down and sitting and watching as she washed with the bathtub’s shower curtain pushed open as far as it could go without coming off the rod.

Despite the hot zombie babe bathing in front of him, he kept the saddest, most miserable look on his face. His mind was buzzing with worries.

“I did things I shouldn’t have done tonight.” Denny needed to talk louder than his normal indoor voice to be heard over the hissing spray of the showerhead. Uschi liked her shower icy cold, the hot water was never for a heartbeat engaged, and the spray of moisture that reached Denny due to the commode’s close proximity left the exposed parts of him clammy and chilled. “I’m really sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for?” She hadn’t bothered with the hassle of removing her makeup before stepping under the cascading water, and now she featured runny mascara Alice Cooper eyes and smeared lipstick like melting Halloween wax lips. Her hands glided the bar of soap over her flat belly and became preoccupied below her Alfred E. Neuman hairs, sudsing her vagina. Again and again she rubbed it against her cleft, and the hard density to her dead clitoris made like a mini ice cream scooper and carved out mushy chunks from the bar. A lather of bubbles slid over her broad hips and toned thighs and down her sleek and sexy legs.

“What I did out there … The tire iron … Going after that guy tonight … You know what I’m talking about. That ain’t me. That ain’t in my nature.” He couldn’t keep his feet still, shaking and bouncing them in place. His pulse was throbbing through his temples like a running electrical current. A jittery anxiety filled him, an energy to do something but no idea exactly what. “I fucked up bad. I had no business getting us involved in a situation like that.”

“You introduced me to the best damn tasting eats I’ve yet to wrap my lips around.” That flap of loose skin over her temple had been repaired using a couple of average office staples to the skull.

“You aren’t upset with me? You should be. I ruined our first night out.”

Uschi’s titties were next to get her bathing attention. She cradled and lifted them while holding them under the water. Suds washed away and a waterfall was made of her cleavage. Uschi kneaded and rubbed at the great expanse of breast flesh until all was squeaky-clean. Then she took a moment to play with the pair, bouncing them in her hands as if in an attempt to juggle them. She smiled upon them with tremendous pride. For her next trick she put her tongue out and hoisted up the left boob and successfully put it in her mouth and suckled on her own self. Her spit was ice cold and stimulating on her spoiled skin. The nipple was sour and salty and all bliss for her mouth. Was it wrong for a girl to enjoy the taste of her own breast? No, she quickly concluded, it was not.

In time she emptied her mouth and told her best thing, “I’m not at all upset with you. Nothing was ruined for me. I had a great time—good food, good company, good amount of ass violently kicked. What kind of gal wouldn’t enjoy a date like that?”

“I can’t explain why I went apeshit like that. I’m normally a very much want to be ignored and left alone character. I don’t know. Something in me just lost it. Balls, I’m so stupid. Just when I finally have everything I want, I go and do what I do best and fuck it up. I should have battery acid thrown in my face. And that’s one Dairy Queen I imagine won’t be accepting our business anymore.”

“That’s why God gave us Burger King, darling. And don’t let me hear you call yourself stupid again. Name calling like that doesn’t get a person anywhere in this world. Same thing with that acid to face bullshit. We ain’t gonna tolerate tacky talk such as that anymore in this house.”

“Those Dairy Queen folk may not know my name, but they probably know my face. I’m a pretty regular customer there. I’m sure the police have been called in. That was a shitload of property damage and blood splatter. People died. Lot of folks tend to develop a wild hair up the butthole when they come in contact with uninvited violence. Maybe somebody memorized the license plate numbers on the El Camino? Shit oh shit. Uschi, they can track you down awful easy these days with nothing but plate numbers. They got them computers. They could be on the way here right as we speak. They’ll take you away from me. They’ll put me in jail. They will learn what I have been doing here—the morgue robberies, the animal killings, the soul selling. I’ll be news across the nation. A jail cell interview with
60 Minutes
. Paul Giamattia—even though I personally would prefer Jack Black—will play me in the movie. You, Uschi, will be entirely a CGI creation. Odds aren’t good a soft thing like me will do well in the big house. First day I’ll probably have my front teeth busted out so to be better equipped for giving blowjobs to the top cons. Lord Humungous, the Ayotolla of rock ’n rolla of cellblock thirteen, will command me to swallow his dick sauce. You think maybe I could appeal to his common decency and he would allow me to occasionally spit? What am I saying? In prison there is no common decency. You’re looking at a full-time swallower.”

Her back to the shower spray, Uschi applied the shampoo to her hair and lathered up big and bubbly. “Your imagination is getting away with you, best thing.” Her fingers were deep into her hair and massaging the scalp. Her Joy Harmon sex kitten purr was level and calming. “Don’t fret. Keep it cool. I’m confident nobody remembers the plate numbers. No John Law is headed this way with designs to ruin our perfect life together. I feel sure about that. But if I should be wrong—highly unlikely as that is—don’t worry. Uschi’s here. I will take care of you. As soon as the police officers start to come up our driveway, I’m more than delighted to go outside and get my Linnea Quigley in
Return of the Living Dead
on and eat the brains of each and every one before they can get anywhere near to touching you. That is a promise.”

I believe she is serious on that. Got to admire a devoted woman.

She rinsed the shampoo out and shut off the water. Uschi exited the tub wet and her gross green flesh glistening like a lime Jell-O mold slathered in snot. She dried herself with a towel in front of the mirror above the sink. The last few remaining traces of her makeup came off on the towel. Denny noted how pretty she was with a bare face; her natural blind dead Knight of Templar cadaver attractiveness very beguiling.

“And what about the redneck with all the teeth? You believe any of that shit he was talking about? Him putting his mark on us? About how he could find us anywhere? Personally, I don’t think he was telling us any stories. He’s going to find us. I know he will. We two are about as fucked as fucked can hope to get in this world.”

“He put his mark on us alright.” Done drying off, Uschi had knotted the towel around her waist and was wearing it like a skirt. The hair dryer was now in her hand and she was plugging its electrical cord in the socket. “And he’s coming for us. Sooner than later, I’m sure.” The smile that came to her lips was positively feral. “I can’t wait. I’m gonna eat good and fierce that night, I’ll tell you that.”

The dryer blew hot air, a brush was used, and the Susan Kieger feathered hairstyle came together fast and with minimum effort.

“I can never have it good. Misery and long-term failure are all I’m ever ensured. I’m such a waste. I surely have no business being alive.”

“Best thing, please don’t start that up again. Goodness gracious, I swear there must be toenails with better self-esteem than what you have to offer at times.”

“Just telling it like it is.”

There was no thought behind Denny’s next act. He just commenced doing it. Like always. The compulsion he would not argue with. He needed to lash out with violence. Denny must be punished for being what he was.