Upstate (17 page)
Authors: Kalisha Buckhanon
Don't forget me,
Antonio
November 26, 1991
Antonio,
Antonio,
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I'm home on my Thanksgiving break and I come back to find out your moms and mine is like best friends and shit now. They be going shopping and to the beauty shop and to the movies together. I thought I would give this letter to your mother to send. I couldn't come to New York and not go by and say hi to your mother. She got your GED on the wall and in a real nice frame, right next to that picture we took the first time we came to visit you upstate. She's looking really good, Antonio. Lost a little bit of weight, had her hair fixed up real nice. She said she's been going to the Y to work out. She said she's about to start working at this day care center in the mornings. I can't believe somebody broke in your spot. Your mother told me all about it. They took Tyler's Nintendo, the TV, the VCR, some of the leather out the closet.
But I guess you know about all that. I mean she is your mother and this is still your house. I guess you wanna hear about me and mine. Drew is all right, getting ready to go to high school. Mommy's cool. She been spoiling me since I got home. I swear I never ate so much macaroni and cheese in my life, she keep stuffing it down my throat cause she know it's my favorite. I eat at the cafeteria at
school, and I swear to God them people need to learn a thing or two about cooking. I lost so much weight cause I don't eat at that place, except for cereal and salad. I mean, one time, they had fried chicken covered in corn meal. C'mon now. Called it “Southern baked” or some shit. Them white and Chinese folks was tearing it up though.
school, and I swear to God them people need to learn a thing or two about cooking. I lost so much weight cause I don't eat at that place, except for cereal and salad. I mean, one time, they had fried chicken covered in corn meal. C'mon now. Called it “Southern baked” or some shit. Them white and Chinese folks was tearing it up though.
So you wanna know about college? It's cool. I got four classes: French, this class called Humanities where basically you read a lot of old books, precalculus, and physical sciences. That's a lot of weird shit, huh? My roommate is this white chick from Oregon named Sarah. I didn't even know where Oregon was until I met her. She a real cool punk-rocker type, just kinda messy and hooked up with a scraggly-looking white boy who wanna rap. He got dreadlocks with yarn twisted in em. They look real nasty but I guess she likes it cause every night I come home she got a sock on the doorâher way of telling me they doing it and I gotta go hang somewhere else for a minute. One night they gonna try to do it while I was in the room, cause I heard the bed squeaking a little bit and all their punk-rocker chains jingling and whatnot. I checked them on that shit real fast. I was like, “I don't get down like that, keep your business behind closed doors and we gonna get along real good.” That's the only beef we ever had and now we kinda friends, if you can believe that. We stay up late at night talking, her telling me about the ocean and me telling her about New York. We stay up late studying a lot too.
It's a lot harder than I thought. We don't have semesters
here like at regular colleges, we have quarters which make it a little bit harder because that means we have finals and midterms three times a year instead of twice. When I got here and saw all these people and all this grass and ivy climbing up the sides of the building, all I could think was, “What the hell am I doing here?” I felt dumb and poor, walking around with my raggedy book bag from high school when these people rocking leather briefcases. I spent a lot of time crying on the phone with Mommy and Laniece and Valencia and Tamika. They all said the same thing, basically, this is what I wanted so now I just gotta make the best of it. At first, it was weird cause the classes all small and the teachers don't just get up and talk to us like I thought. It's like fifteen people in the class. I'm the only black face and everybody talking all proper about philosophy and shit. So I had to step up my game a lot. Then I didn't want to talk cause I didn't want nobody figuring out my accent and asking me where I was from, and when I say Harlem they gotta ask me all these questions about crack and drive-bys and shit. I got so sick and tired of telling people it wasn't all like what you see on TV. We got doctors and lawyers and teachers and bus drivers and just hardworking people trying to make it in our neighborhood. It ain't all gutter. I had to remember what my mother told me when we got here and didn't see one black face the whole time: “You just as good as anybody here and don't you forget it.” I never thought it was gonna be easy, but I don't think I ever did so much reading and writing in my life.
I like Chicago a lot. It's a little boring, not as much stuff going on. People talk real country out hereâI thought I was in Alabama when I got off the plane. You can't get pizza on every corner, and when you do get pizza it's not sliced thin but it's real fat. They call it stuffed. It's real clean though, no dog shit and chicken bones all over the sidewalk like it is in Harlem. They got a train, most of them are els like in the Bronx and Brooklyn. I been to the downtown a few times. It looks like 5th Avenue a little bit with all the stores, and they got this place called Garrett's Popcorn that got the best cheese popcorn I ever tasted in my life.
here like at regular colleges, we have quarters which make it a little bit harder because that means we have finals and midterms three times a year instead of twice. When I got here and saw all these people and all this grass and ivy climbing up the sides of the building, all I could think was, “What the hell am I doing here?” I felt dumb and poor, walking around with my raggedy book bag from high school when these people rocking leather briefcases. I spent a lot of time crying on the phone with Mommy and Laniece and Valencia and Tamika. They all said the same thing, basically, this is what I wanted so now I just gotta make the best of it. At first, it was weird cause the classes all small and the teachers don't just get up and talk to us like I thought. It's like fifteen people in the class. I'm the only black face and everybody talking all proper about philosophy and shit. So I had to step up my game a lot. Then I didn't want to talk cause I didn't want nobody figuring out my accent and asking me where I was from, and when I say Harlem they gotta ask me all these questions about crack and drive-bys and shit. I got so sick and tired of telling people it wasn't all like what you see on TV. We got doctors and lawyers and teachers and bus drivers and just hardworking people trying to make it in our neighborhood. It ain't all gutter. I had to remember what my mother told me when we got here and didn't see one black face the whole time: “You just as good as anybody here and don't you forget it.” I never thought it was gonna be easy, but I don't think I ever did so much reading and writing in my life.
I like Chicago a lot. It's a little boring, not as much stuff going on. People talk real country out hereâI thought I was in Alabama when I got off the plane. You can't get pizza on every corner, and when you do get pizza it's not sliced thin but it's real fat. They call it stuffed. It's real clean though, no dog shit and chicken bones all over the sidewalk like it is in Harlem. They got a train, most of them are els like in the Bronx and Brooklyn. I been to the downtown a few times. It looks like 5th Avenue a little bit with all the stores, and they got this place called Garrett's Popcorn that got the best cheese popcorn I ever tasted in my life.
But I'm glad about that cause then I can keep my mind on what's important. They gave me a little scholarship cause we really ain't got much family income, but I got loans and I'm not trying to waste all this money.
Laneice looking real good. She's trying to get an apartment in the Bronx across the 3rd Avenue Bridge, where it's a little cheaper. She said she can't afford Harlem no more, especially since her and Black ain't together. Did he tell you about that? He's going with some Mexican girl from Brooklyn. Laneice say he spending so much time deep in Sunset Park that he barely even make it up to Harlem to see her and the baby anymore. That's a damn shame. He really seemed like he was for real too. Glad it's not me. She said her parents wanted her to stay with them but she knew it was time for her to get out on her own. One of her cousins wanted her to come stay in Drew Ham with her, but Laneice said she would rather
have a tiny studio in the Bronx than live in the projects in Harlem. I screamed, “Bitch what happened to us being Harlem Chicks 4 life?” and she said, “How you gonna talk about me bitch when you moved 800 miles away?” I told her I'm coming back, I can't leave for too long. Just had to be up for a little while to better myself. But I know where my home is and I'm coming back to it. Well, this letter is getting a little long. My new address is on the envelope. Hit me back when you get a chance.
have a tiny studio in the Bronx than live in the projects in Harlem. I screamed, “Bitch what happened to us being Harlem Chicks 4 life?” and she said, “How you gonna talk about me bitch when you moved 800 miles away?” I told her I'm coming back, I can't leave for too long. Just had to be up for a little while to better myself. But I know where my home is and I'm coming back to it. Well, this letter is getting a little long. My new address is on the envelope. Hit me back when you get a chance.
Love,
Baby Girl
PS. Antonio I just want to make sure you know that what happened between us was never about you. It was always love. Life just got in the way.
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December 12, 1991
Hey Baby Girl,
Hey Baby Girl,
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Thought I'd wait about two weeks before I wrote back to you, so then you would know I ain't no stalker and shit. I'm shocked you gave me your address at college. I thought about calling your moms and trying to get it, but then I thought about it and I didn't want to cramp your style. I mean, you probably got cats' tongues dropping to the floor out there in Chicago, fresh new meat, Harlem girl with a body out of this world. So I didn't want one of your boyfriends seeing a letter from the pen sitting on your desk and shit. I know you
ain't trying to broadcast the fact that your man in high school got locked up for doing some stupid shit that he can't even tell you how much he regret. It sound like you doing real good for yourself. Don't worry. This ain't the part where I'm gonna ask you back. I pretty much know that shit ain't gonna happen. I'm surprised we made it as long we did, and that's on the real. I was lucky to have you, and I fucked that shit up. I fucked a lot of shit up.
ain't trying to broadcast the fact that your man in high school got locked up for doing some stupid shit that he can't even tell you how much he regret. It sound like you doing real good for yourself. Don't worry. This ain't the part where I'm gonna ask you back. I pretty much know that shit ain't gonna happen. I'm surprised we made it as long we did, and that's on the real. I was lucky to have you, and I fucked that shit up. I fucked a lot of shit up.
I didn't know about the break-in at my crib. My moms told me everything though after I got your letter and confronted her about it. She said she didn't want me in there worrying about nothing. I told her Ma, just cause I ain't there don't mean you ain't gotta tell me about what's going on. When Daddy died I officially took Daddy's place, so that meant I had to be the man of the house best way I could. She told me that her and Tyler was there by themselves when it went down and she was so scared she just couldn't get out the bed. When they come up here for that family Christmas shit they give us every year, I'm gonna make sure I set Trevon straight. I ain't gonna hit him, I can't hit him cause that'll be my ass and keep me further and further from getting out of here and back where I belong. But I'm gonna stare him down like he was my worst enemy and tell him he better clean up his act. That he better stop disrespecting Ma and living the life and stand tall and be a man until I can get back and look out for him. I swear to you, Natasha, I'm gonna put the fear of God in that little nigger if it's the last thing I do. Ma told me not to worry about it, but I can't not worry about it. She's right, it ain't shit I can do about nothing on the outside. Mohammed
said he got contacts on my block and could try to hook it up to find out who did it. I told him to do that shit. I might not be there to be the man of my house and protect my family the way I should, but I can damn sure make sure a nigga know not to fuck with me and mine.
said he got contacts on my block and could try to hook it up to find out who did it. I told him to do that shit. I might not be there to be the man of my house and protect my family the way I should, but I can damn sure make sure a nigga know not to fuck with me and mine.
But I know you don't want to hear all that. Here I go sounding like a gangsta, and you sounding all educated. Guess that just go to show that me and you is worlds apart right now. Most education I'm gonna get is some bullshit certificate in, I don't know, medical transcription or some other bullshit. It would have never lasted. Deep down inside I think I knew that, but I had to hold on to something. And I wanna thank you for sticking it out as long as you did. I wouldn't have survived a year in here without being able to think about you belonging to me. That's real. That's love. But I'm gonna let you go. I bet you got studying and shit to do. Study hard for me Natasha. I guess for all of us who didn't make it as far as you will. You gonna be somebody real important one day. I knew that the first time I laid eyes on you.
Love,
Antonio
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December 22, 1991
Hey Antonio,
Hey Antonio,
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Just a little card to say Merry Christmas and let you know I was thinking about you. I'm home for about
three weeks. I go back the first week in January. I finished up the semester with a B- average, which is fine in my book. I did the best I could and that's all you can ask for. Your mother asked me if I wanted to come up there for the party they give for the inmates and their families on Christmas, but I don't know, I just thought it wouldn't be appropriate, I guess. I mean, I don't know if you wanna see me like that. Sides, I gotta help Mommy move. She finally found a house that would accept her under this special Homeowner Program. She gonna get a renovated apartment in one of those buildings on 110th Street, brand-new and totally redone. Yep, 110th Street, right near Central Park. They got nice white walls, nice wood floors, a terrace and everything. She was already pretty much packed when I got here cause she so ready to get out of this building. I was there when the old white lady from the bank came over so she could sign all the papers to say the apartment was really hers. The lady called it closing on the house. Mommy was so excited that she could barely hold the pen to sign her name. It took her five minutes just to write her signature cause she said she couldn't believe it. “Less than ten years ago I was homeless, now I'm about to be a homeowner,” she kept saying over and over. Her and Roy gonna get married, she told me. I wish she wouldn't cause I don't like him too much and Drew hate him, but she told me we just gonna have to live with it. She said he trying, and I guess he is. He stopped smoking and this guy he knows got him into the metal union, so he could be making like forty thousand
dollars a year. Mommy always said to get a man with money, so I guess now that Roy gonna get some she better able to put up with his bullshit. But I'm running out of space and all I wanted to say was Merry Christmas. Have fun with your family.
three weeks. I go back the first week in January. I finished up the semester with a B- average, which is fine in my book. I did the best I could and that's all you can ask for. Your mother asked me if I wanted to come up there for the party they give for the inmates and their families on Christmas, but I don't know, I just thought it wouldn't be appropriate, I guess. I mean, I don't know if you wanna see me like that. Sides, I gotta help Mommy move. She finally found a house that would accept her under this special Homeowner Program. She gonna get a renovated apartment in one of those buildings on 110th Street, brand-new and totally redone. Yep, 110th Street, right near Central Park. They got nice white walls, nice wood floors, a terrace and everything. She was already pretty much packed when I got here cause she so ready to get out of this building. I was there when the old white lady from the bank came over so she could sign all the papers to say the apartment was really hers. The lady called it closing on the house. Mommy was so excited that she could barely hold the pen to sign her name. It took her five minutes just to write her signature cause she said she couldn't believe it. “Less than ten years ago I was homeless, now I'm about to be a homeowner,” she kept saying over and over. Her and Roy gonna get married, she told me. I wish she wouldn't cause I don't like him too much and Drew hate him, but she told me we just gonna have to live with it. She said he trying, and I guess he is. He stopped smoking and this guy he knows got him into the metal union, so he could be making like forty thousand
dollars a year. Mommy always said to get a man with money, so I guess now that Roy gonna get some she better able to put up with his bullshit. But I'm running out of space and all I wanted to say was Merry Christmas. Have fun with your family.
Happy Holidays,
Natasha
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December 22, 1991
Hey Natasha,
Hey Natasha,
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I know you probably at home on your winter break so I thought I would just send you a Christmas card to your mom's place, let you know I was thinking about you and you'll always be in my heart. No matter what happens. I don't know if you remember, but every year they have a Christmas party for us on Christmas Eve. You know, the ones of us that's had good behavior, which would definitely be me. I mean, it's actually kinda whack. They just have a little bit of food and some cake and punch and this Santa Claus and people donate toys for the little kids that come. But it's kind of fun cause people just chill and relax. So I don't know what you doing. I mean, you probably gonna be with your family and everything on that day so you can't come. But if you don't have anything to do and you don't mind the bus ride, you can come on up if you want. I mean, just let my mother know so I can put you on the list, and we can lie and say you my sister or
some shit. But you might not get this in time anyway to know about it. If I don't see you, have a really nice Christmas. I hope you get everything you want.
some shit. But you might not get this in time anyway to know about it. If I don't see you, have a really nice Christmas. I hope you get everything you want.
Love,
Antonio
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