Upon Your Return (26 page)

For all she knew, they could have just been words. What feelings did he refer to? The man wouldn't know a feeling if it hit him over the head. “And your disloyalty to the emperor...”

“
Mon Dieu
!” He swallowed, his eyes wide. “Why didn't you tell me all of this before?”

“It matters not, Grant. I cared for you anyway, and I didn't hate you for it. I admired the fact that you took such a risk...”

“You were worried, if I remember correctly.”

“No, I was struck with fear for you.”

His tone softened by degrees. “I didn't forget you overseas, Fara.”

She smiled. “I had hoped you might though.”

“Why?”

“It might have been so much easier on the both of us.”

“Maybe, but don't you think it might have been worth it?”

“Worth it? I loved you, you dunce. It killed me when you left. Lina was the only one who kept me going. Or kept me from going mad.”

He let go of her, his hands at his sides, as if he did not know what to do next. “Then I should be grateful to her for keeping you alive.”

“Well, I wasn't going to kill myself, if that's what you think. I loved you, but I also had to think of Gabriel.”

He began to smile, but it was mocking. “You loved me, Fara? Do you still?”

The words hovered on the air between them and something inside of Fara snapped...the love, the despair, the pent-up rage...it broke and suddenly she was going at him with her fists balled up and he was ducking to avoid it. “Damn you, Grant! I almost died inside...I kept thinking of you risking your neck out there and I still love you, don't you see? It kills me to think that you could only remember me, and merely think of your lust--”

He gripped her wrists fiercely and brought her up against the wall of his chest, ceasing the fight inside of her. His voice changed to a near growl. “My lust? Is that all you think it was? It was much more,
chère
, so much more...and I don't believe you will ever know how much.” He steadied her, setting her back from him.

Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I love you, Grant. Tell me how much I meant to you.”

“Do you deserve it, Fara, after all that's happened?”

“Are you pretending to be angry with me? Damn you, I bore your child! I bore Gabriel through all that pain and despair and look at the wonder he turned out to be! He's beautiful, Grant. And he's us.”

“
Oui
.” He sighed, defeated. “I'm grateful that you went through with it. But, I can't give you much now, Fara. I'm a traitor to my own country. After what I did, I was in an enemy prison. What can I be to you?”

She let that news sink in. God, what he must have endured when he was away. “A husband? The father of my child?”

“It still comes down to our own betrayal. We lied to one another. What will keep us together now? Surely not trust.”

“What about love, Grant? I've asked you that question before and now you have to answer. In marriage, it matters. Please tell me that it matters. I've gone my entire life thinking so and not caring what society says. So tell me now. If it doesn't matter, you can go on and live your life the way you want. You can leave, go anywhere and find another woman who'll satisfy your needs. But, if it matters, then please give us a chance. Please...for the first time I'm begging you, Grant. Tell me it matters.”

He studied her expression for a long moment before saying, “It matters.” He stepped back from her then.

“At least you don't deny it.”

“I wouldn't, not about that.” His hands moved to his hips, a captain's stance, she mused. “Now, what?”

“I won't ask you to give up who you are, it wouldn't be right...” She sighed. “But, Gabriel needs a father figure...if he can't have his real father, then I would have to marry someone else.”

He nodded curtly. “There have been many offers?”

She frowned. “A few offers that I didn't hesitate to refuse.”

“So, you
were
waiting for me...”

She approached him then. “You asked me to. I couldn't give up hope that you would return. In my heart, I knew you would try to keep your word.”

He cupped her face. “And I did. I never lied to you about anything besides my disloyalty. I meant it when I said I would come for you, that you were the only woman I needed.”

“I know,” she whispered. “And I love you, despite everything that has happened.” As he held her close, she raised her head to look at him. “Will you stay for dinner?”

He smiled. “Could I stay longer than that?”

Fara giggled. “You know my answer. The rest is up to my aunt. You may have some making up as far as she is concerned.”

“I see.”

* * * *

Her aunt did not make a fuss about Grant's presence. Propriety kept her from reproaching him, Fara could only assume. Lina treated him like a guest, but no one said anything to Gabe about who he really was. Grant asked him questions about what he was interested in and such, but no one, not Fara, or her aunt, or the man in question, explained the significance of Grant's arrival.

It was an enormous matter to approach, and everyone knew it. There would be many questions. Gabe was at the age where asking was his nature. He would want to know why his father had left his mother so long ago. He would want to know the truth eventually. He was not old enough to know the whole truth, such as the nature of their past relationship, but he would want to know some of it, and that was hard enough to say. It would take time, Fara knew, for Gabe to accept Grant as a man who was supposed to be with his mother. He had never seen her with anyone else. She would have to approach the issue delicately. Perhaps it was better for him to become accustomed to Grant's presence before admitting who he was.

Lina let Grant stay in a guest room a ways down the hall. Having him so far away from her own bedchamber made her both nervous and relieved. Renewing their relationship after all of these years seemed odd. She did not know how to go about it. Part of her was afraid he would force her into what they had been before; though they'd shared many discussions, she still had to admit it was a mainly physical affair. How did a pair of lovers become so much more than that? Deep down, that was what she wanted. More. Possibly more than he could ever give her.

She knew that her aunt would want that as well. She would want Grant to treat her differently, to do things right this time. Propriety advised her aunt's actions, just as it had her uncle's, but not so strictly. Lina would want her happiness for the most part, and propriety made some people happy. It had for her aunt.

Fara was a different person than she was when she had met Grant. She was not so naïve or impressionable. She truly felt more control over her life than she had before. She knew what she wanted out of a marriage, and if marriage was not in the cards with this man, she did not know what to do next. How could she tell him that though in the past she had wanted companionship as well as passion, she truly needed all of that on a level he couldn't possibly understand? Or could he? She didn't know what to expect from him now. Another reason she was glad for the distance in their locations in the house; it protected her from an almost inevitable confrontation.

Suddenly, a soft knock at her door propelled her heart to skip a beat. “
Tante
?” She reached for her dressing sacque and rose from the vanity where she had been brushing her hair.

“My intentions are not as chaste as your aunt's,” she heard a deep voice grumble.

Grant. She had feared he would try to resume the passion they had shared together so long ago. She would have to fight him. That was the only way to attain what she wanted of him. She undid the chain and opened the door slightly to look at him. So as not to arouse outside interest, she whispered, “What are you doing here?”

“I could not wait. I had to see you.”

“Perhaps we can continue this in the morning. Are you not fatigued?”

“Fara, it is not like you to put me off. Are you all right? Are you ill?” He observed the pallor of her features before reaching out to touch her cheek.

His concern cut through her defenses. Stammering, “I am well,” she stepped back and the door crept open.

“Are you sure everything is all right?” He shut the door behind him and proceeded into the room.

“I…” She searched for the words to delay his proposed intentions.

“You are afraid. Fara, I have never hurt you. What is this?”

“Nothing. I do not fear you.” Only myself, she thought. “You surprised me, that's all.”

“
Bon
.” Grant approached her. “
Mon Dieu
...four long years have not stilled the hunger I have for you.”

“Grant, please.”

“Please?” He put his lips against her neck, inhaling her scent. “I have waited so long to hear you beg again,
chère
.” His voice wavered as he reached her ear, flicking his tongue inside. His lips crept along her cheek, moving over her mouth.

She felt his lips burning her, little fires springing up in all the right places. It had been so long since she'd experienced that kind of mindless desire...so long because of the vow that she would never let her emotions carry her away again. She shivered involuntarily and turned her head. “You know I did not mean it like that.”

“Didn't you? Do you not desire me still or did the years erase my memory?”

Hardly, she thought at his latter assumption. How could any woman forget a man like Grant? “Grant, please! I do not want you.” The words weren't enough for her tone was soft, breathless, and her body still responded to him.

“You do not mean that. Why, earlier you said you loved me. A woman does not lie about that kind of thing.” He faltered though, fear in his tone. “Or does she?”

How could she think clearly while he was so near? She swallowed tight against the rise of ardor inside her. “I did not lie.”

“Good. You should know by now that love is expressed in many ways...gifts, marriage, making love.”

His movements stilled and she looked up into his captivating gaze. It was an invitation of sorts, inviting her to see what was there and take it if she chose to.
Mon Dieu
, making love with Grant again sounded delicious. But, she just couldn't...not here. And not like they used to. “Gabriel is in the house,” she reminded him.

“He is a child, my love. He's seen you consort with men in that manner before--”

“I trust not!”

A dark eyebrow quirked in inquiry. “You've not accepted any proposals. That leaves affairs...you haven't taken lovers either?”

“Absolutely not,” she replied stiffly.

“Your fidelity amazes me. It seems I left a lasting impression on you. Gabriel is better left innocent concerning the ways of men and women. I agree with you on that matter. However, my ship is in port. My cabin is unoccupied, you know.”

“
That
is unnecessary.” It was also ridiculous. Her aunt would know immediately if they left the house, especially at this hour.

He lifted a tress of her hair and watched as it fell to her shoulder. “You are not immune to me, love, but you refuse to let me make love to you. It is a trifle curious.”

“It is not as difficult as you make it, I think. Really,
La Capitaine
, it's quite simple. I'm surprised you do not comprehend, you being so experienced with the ways of men and women.”

His jaw tightened, a movement that left his face pale. “Are you suggesting I do not know how to handle rejection?”

“No, but we aren't speaking of rejection, are we?”

The anger left his expression and it was replaced with consideration in his gray gaze. “It is possible,
ma chére
, that you will not be satisfied until you utter a vow or see a wedding band on your finger...”

“If you must know,
oui
. That would leave me deeply satisfied.”

“Deeply?” Fara tightened her jaw and she was aware of the warmth flooding her cheeks. “All of which can be arranged at the simple lift of a finger. We could be wed tomorrow, if you like.”

She sighed. It was appealing, but her pride won over. “My dear C
apitaine
, this sounds very much like a bribe...”

“Perhaps it is, Fara, if you are suggesting I desire you to a degree that I would be willing to do anything to be near you legally...even marry you.”

She gasped and looked away. For God's sake, she was speechless. For the first time in her life, she had nothing to say.

“Perhaps I have enraged you once more,
chère
...I seem to have that ability with you.”

She found her voice with difficulty. “No, you have not. I am just getting over the shock, that's all.” But, he hadn't said he would marry for love. Nothing he'd said or done indicated the depth of his feelings. Melancholy swept over her. So, she was to marry for love in a one-sided deal...to live a life ever hitched to a man who merely desired her. She found the thought disheartening.

“Fara, look at me.” When she turned to face him, he seemed to study her expression carefully. “What are you thinking?”