Up High in the Trees (23 page)

On TV, it's The Snorks. Leo still likes to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings.

Where's Leo? I ask.

She doesn't answer.

I walk over and push the button to turn off the TV. I don't like to watch cartoons because there aren't any real people.

What? asks Cass and then she looks up at me.

Why'd you move me? I ask her.

Cass closes her book and tucks it next to her in the side of the chair.

I thought you'd sleep better in your bed, she says.

Don't move me, I say.

Cass wraps her arms around her legs and rests her chin on her knees.

What's wrong? she asks.

I don't say anything.

Leo went to the library, she says, he'll be back soon.

I sit down on the new couch and look at the empty, gray TV. I think about how the new couch isn't new anymore. We used to have a brown corduroy couch that matched the brown corduroy chair. Then Mother got sick of it and she pulled it out onto the front lawn. Mother hurt her back trying to move the couch by herself.

I sat with Mother. It was funny to be sitting on a couch outside, in the middle of the grass. We played UNO and then the sun went down and we couldn't see the cards anymore so we just sat. I got mosquito bites all over and Mother held my hands so I wouldn't itch. When we went inside, Mother put pink calamine lotion on my bites. She blew on each bite to make the lotion dry and that felt cold and good. Then she blew in my ear to tickle me and I got shivery. The next morning, a truck came to take away the old couch. Mother watched and cried.

I hate being here and I hate the new couch so I throw all the pillows on the ground and then I stand up and kick the couch hard. The kick hurts my toes. I have to sit down on the floor and squeeze my toes tight to make them stop hurting, but they hurt so bad, my eyes burn. I don't want to cry.

It's an ugly couch! I scream at Cass.

She gets up from the brown chair.

It's not my fault, Sebby, she says. She tries to pick me up, but I lean forward and make myself heavy so she can't move me.

I'm crying now and Cass lets go. She sits next to me on the floor.

Calm down, Cass says, please.

Where's Mother's book? I ask her.

What? asks Cass.

Mother's book that's called
Nightwood
, I say. It's not in the drawer. My voice sounds like I have a cold, because I'm crying.

Oh, Cass says, I'm just borrowing it, Sebby, I promise that I'll put it back.

But where is it? I ask her again.

Cass puts her hand on my shoulder. I push her hand away.

It's up in my room, says Cass.

No, I tell her. I'm crying and it's hard to talk.

You weren't supposed to touch everything, I say. I take off my glasses and throw them at her.

I don't understand you, Cass says. Sebby, please.

I lie down on the floor and cry. I don't want to be here and have to look around for everything to be right. Nothing's right. Time keeps making things happen. I lost the picture of Mother and now she's gone.

Leo will be home soon, Cass says, he just went to return a book.

I'm crying with my face in the dark under the ugly, new couch.

Cass isn't talking to me anymore and then her voice comes back.

Here, she says, drink some water. Will you sit up, please? If you drink this, says Cass, you'll feel better.

The ice makes cold, cracking noises. I listen to Cass set the glass down on the table. I don't want any water. I want to stay where I am on the floor.

Then I can hear the car driving up, crunching and popping over the gravel. Leo is home.

When he comes inside, Cass says, I don't know what happened.

Leo sits down next to me and rolls me toward him. His face looks scared.

I let him hold me.

We'll go for a drive, Leo says to Cass. He carries me out to the car and puts me in the backseat.

Cass's voice says, I'm sorry, Sebby. Then the backseat door pops closed. I'm by myself. I hold my breath to try to stop crying now. It's quiet inside the car. I like being by myself.

I remember when I got sick. My fever was so hot, Mother put me in the bath in the middle of the night. The water was cool. Mother dipped the washcloth in and then held it over my head so the water dripped on my face. I remember I was there, but also I wasn't there. It was hot inside my head and I couldn't think. Mother was talking to me and I was trying to listen, but I couldn't. I could hear her voice and I knew she was with me so I didn't try to listen anymore, and when I closed my eyes I was falling and falling backward. I could hear Mother's voice and I could feel her holding me, but I wasn't there.

Maybe that is what it's like to die. I don't want to live for a long time, because I lost Mother and now I have to find her.

Leo drives and doesn't say anything.

I wait a long time and then I tell him, I want to go back to Dad.

Leo's quiet.

Then he says, Okay, we'll see, maybe in a few days.

Do you like pigeons and all kinds of birds? I ask.

Yeah, Leo says, the birds are descendants of the dinosaurs.

What? I ask.

Birds are like the dinosaurs' children, he says. I watch the side of his face talking. Yellow morning light shines all around him.

Oh, I say, we can go home now.

Leo finds a movie to watch on TV. It's an old, black-and-white movie with cowboys. I'm on the floor because I don't want to be on the new couch. Cass brought me a pillow from upstairs to sit on. She's not mad.

I don't like the movie. The cowboys in it are real people, but they're not like how people really are. I ask Leo if there are still cowboys today.

Sort of, he says.

The doorbell rings and Cass and Leo look at each other.

Mrs. Franklin again, Cass says to him, you get it this time.

Fine, says Leo. He goes over to answer the door.

Mrs. Franklin, our neighbor, gives Leo a hug and comes inside.

I made you an apple cobbler, she says.

Wow, thanks, Leo says and takes the brown grocery bag.

My goodness, says Mrs. Franklin when she sees me. How's my handsome little boy? She's smiling and blinking her big eyes.

We're watching a cowboy movie, I tell her.

She bends over close and says, You'll have to come and bake cookies with me.

I don't say anything.

Sebby would love that, says Cass, how about I'll give you a call?

Then Cass gets up and walks Mrs. Franklin to the door. Leo's telling her thank you again for the cobbler. He gives Mrs. Franklin another hug and then she leaves.

Leo looks at his watch. Less than five minutes, he says, I think that's a record.

Cass laughs and takes the bag with the cobbler into the kitchen.

What's a cobbler? I ask.

Like a pie! Cass shouts from the other room.

Or a person who fixes shoes, Leo says.

Cass comes back over and sits down on the couch.

What'd I miss? she asks.

I don't know because I haven't been watching.

I close my eyes and think about Dad in the white house by himself. I don't know if he is okay or not. In my head, I see him sleeping in the kitchen chair with his head resting on the table and that is good. I hope Dad is sleeping.

I ask Cass, Can we call Dad now?

Later, she says, we'll call him after dinner.

To make the time go by, I try to fall asleep.

In the dream, I'm in a square pen made out of wire with so many tiny baby chicks. The baby chicks are soft white and soft yellow. It's hard to move. If I move, I could step on a baby chick because they're everywhere and it makes me dizzy how there are so many of them. Someone is laughing at me.

Sebastian, says Cass's voice. I can hear Cass's voice saying my name and then I am me again. Cass is shaking me awake.

Sebby, her voice says and I open my eyes. Her face is close to mine.

I have a sick feeling in my stomach.

You were crying, Cass says and she wipes my cheeks.

I don't want to tell Cass my dream.

I'm sorry about before, says Cass. She stands up and holds out her hands.

I reach for her and then she pulls me up and I'm standing. I feel dizzy. I go into the bathroom and lock the door. The dream made me sick. I sit down in front of the toilet and I think I'm going to throw up. I rest my forehead on the cold seat and that feels better.

Are you all right? Cass's voice asks and she knocks on the door.

Yes, I tell her and try to make my voice sound happy. I move my forehead over to a new cold spot on the toilet seat. I stay like that for a long time and think about Mother. For her tenth birthday, Grandpa Chuck gave her too many baby chicks. She told me how they scared her.

Cass's voice comes back again.

Sebby, she says, please come out.

I'm tired and I don't want anything else to happen to me. I want to be with Mother. I lift my head up off the toilet and walk over to open the door. Cass is standing right there.

You're okay? she asks.

I nod.

I follow her into the kitchen and we sit down at the table.

Leo went out to get Kentucky Fried Chicken, says Cass.

I don't know if I'm hungry or not.

We thought you'd want mashed potatoes and coleslaw, she says.

I put my forehead down to rest on the table. It doesn't feel cold the way the toilet seat felt. I close my eyes.

Listen, Sebby, Cass says, tomorrow I'm taking you to the dentist and Leo will take you to get your haircut.

Fine, I say with my eyes still closed.

If you want to have Katya over that would be fun, says Cass.

I don't want to think anymore.

I don't know if she's my friend, I tell her.

Cass is quiet and I'm glad, but then she starts talking again.

Do you want to see your teacher? Cass asks.

No, I say, I'm not going back to school.

Cass says, Sebby, you know, you'll have to go back at some point.

Not now, I tell her.

Thanksgiving is Thursday, Cass says. The three of us can drive to the summerhouse, and if Dad is all right, you can stay with him.

Yes, I say. I think maybe Cass doesn't have anything else to tell me and I can rest.

There's a social worker, Cass says. Her name is Mrs. Alden. She's going to want to come check on you and Dad.

Why? I ask.

To make sure Dad's taking good care of you, says Cass.

He is, I tell her.

Cass nods.

I hear her scoot back from the table and get up. She walks away and her feet make noises like they're sticking to the floor. I know that's the sound feet make without any socks on.
Mother didn't like that sound. She always wore her red slippers and her feet swish-swished.

Cass turns on music. It's the song I like with the man singing about a blister in the sun.

Dance with me, says Cass. She's dancing with her hands up high over her head. She looks funny, but I don't smile.

I shake my head no. I don't want to dance. I don't like to.