Unwilling (5 page)

"It has taken me a long time to become comfortable," I told her. "It took me a long time being comfortable with being gay."

"Well, I was jealous. I still am. I'll never be like that."

I stared at her. "Oh." I sat back down on the sofa. "You said there were two parts."

"That girl I kissed. It wasn't anything I planned. I just sort of did it, and it was nice at first, but when we got caught, she turned into a raving bitch, screaming at me for kissing her, and she did it in front of a lot of people. She made the rest of my senior year of high school horrible."

"What has that to do with me?"

"She looked like you. She dressed like I imagine you may have in high school. She was gay. She acted a little like you."
She paused. "I made you pay for something you didn't do. I can't tell you how sorry I am."

I settled back on the sofa. "Finish my second foot," I told her, giving the foot back to her. She relaxed back to the floor and bent over my foot. I watched her for a while. "I wish I knew you weren't lying to me."

"I'm not," Melissa said. She looked up. "Having a reason isn't the same as having an excuse." She bent back to the foot. "Maybe by the time my month is up, we'll both feel like I've repaid you for my being such a bitch, and we can both forgive me."

We didn't talk after that. She finished the second foot, kissing it before she painted the nails. Her lips felt nice. I examined both feet, wriggling my toes. "Thank you," I told her.

"You are welcome. Would you like me to do your hands?"

I looked at my hands and glanced at the wall clock. "Not tonight," I told her. "Go use the bathroom then wait in the bedroom for me."

I knelt in the middle of the bedroom facing the bed, waiting for Alex. She used the bathroom after I had then slipped into the bedroom after turning the lights off. She didn't say anything when she came in, but she brushed her hands across my shoulders as she stepped past me. I shivered.

I hadn't realized until tonight why
I had hated her so much. It wasn't until I started thinking about the one girl I kissed that it all came back to me. Then it all clicked, and I felt even worse than I had before. I was so ashamed.

Alex moved around the room for a moment, removing clothing. She seemed to be going out of her way to pass near me, touching me every time she drew near. The touches were always innocent. Sometimes she brushed her fingers through my hair. Other times just a finger traced a line across my back.

I thought about my past boyfriends and realized something. Not a single one of them would have treated me as gently as she was. All of them would have had me giving them oral sex over and over if they'd had me in the position I was in with Alex. It was obvious Alex was conflicted, that she'd lost sight of what she intended to do to me. I decided that whatever she eventually did, I would accept with as much grace as I could muster.

Eventually Alex climbed onto the bed and reclined against the pillows, lying on her side facing me. "Have you ever given or received a face massage?"

"No."

"Climb up here and lie down," she told me. I rose from my kneeling position, walked around the bed, and lied down next to her. She sat up, facing me.
"Do I have permission to touch you?"

"You don't need permission."

She didn't say anything.

"Yes," I said.

"Close your eyes and relax. I am going to show you what I like."

I tried to relax in the pillows, closing my eyes. I didn't know if this was about to turn into sex, and my heart was pounding. Then I felt her hands on my face. I stiffened in surprise for just a moment before I relaxed again.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Alex said.

She began moving her fingers in circles against my checks. Soon her entire hands were touching my face, smoothing my forehead, massaging my scalp, and she even brushed her thumbs over my lips.

"Sorry," she said. "Habit."

"Hmm?"

"The lips are a little more intimate than is wise," she said. "If you start doing that to me, this is going to get far more intimate than you care for."

After several minutes of attention, she pulled her hands away. I opened my eyes and looked at her. "That's what I like," she said. "Not for a real long time. Five or ten minutes, then if you can stand it, we can cuddle while falling asleep."

She turned around and lied back into the pillows next to me. I sat up and turned to her and began touching her tentatively. "I'm sorry," I said after just a minute or two. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Just do whatever feels right," she said. "Don't worry about right or wrong. Keep it gentle and don't focus on too small an area or it can turn annoying instead of pleasant."

I relaxed and just tried to make her feel good. I massaged her face and her scalp, then reached behind her head with my fingers and massaged the back of her head and her neck. I spent ten or fifteen minutes at it before I thought perhaps that was enough.

"More?" I asked her.

"Mmm," she said. "No, that was nice." She opened her eyes slowly and looked at me. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," I told her. I continued to sit, looking down at her. She closed her eyes.

"Please turn off the last few lights and climb into bed."

"Yes, Alexandra."

I climbed off the bed, turned off the hallway light, then returned to her. I adjusted the covers on her side before climbing underneath them on my side.

"Will it freak you out to cuddle?" she asked me.

"No."

"Roll over then
," she said. As soon as I had,
Alexandra
pulled me into her arms, spooning up against me. She was warm and soft. It felt good to be held.

She kissed the back of my neck before fully snuggling in. Shivers ran down my back.

We lied together like that for a few minutes before she said quietly, "Melissa?"

"Yes?"

"Have you been lying to me?"

"No."

"Are you going to revert to your old behavior?"

"No."

"Do you still hate me?"

"No."

As if we weren't snuggled close enough, she managed to snuggle even closer. "Then I won't be hurting you. I also won't do anything to you that you don't ask me to do. Your penance for your past behavior will be to continue to serve me the way you have. That's all."

"Do you forgive me?"

"I'm working on it."

I thought about it. "Did you just tell me you aren't going to expect sex?"

"Yes. I've never kissed anyone who didn't want to be kissed. I'm not starting with you."

I thought some more. "You don't want me?"

"Don't be stupid," Alex said into my back. "But I have no intention of falling for the straight girl, even if she is smoking hot, and even if I almost can't stand how it feels when she kneels to me."

* * *

By morning, we had rotated the other way, and I was holding her. I'm not sure which of us woke first.
I checked the time and saw we had a few minutes. I pulled away from her a little, and she sighed. She was awake. I began scratching her back lightly.

"Alexandra," I said.

"Mmm?"

"You're beautiful, you have a great body, you're amazingly sexy, and you're kind. Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Buzz kill."

"Sorry."

"You could guess and probably be right." She paused. "I'm picky. I like strong, attractive, intelligent women. Who enjoy when I dominate them."

"Oh. That's a rare combination?"

"
It appears to be, for me at least
. I can find women who enjoy what I like to do. And I can find women whose company I enjoy.
For brief flings, I pick up the first type. For almost as brief of flings, I gravitate towards the second."

She let me scratch her back for another minute before she told me to go shower and wake her back up when the bathroom was free.

* * *

The rest of the week went much like the first few days. I came home from work, knelt in front of her, and received the evening's plans. With the plans she started telling me how she wanted me to dress. Thursday night she had me strip down to bra and undies. Friday ni
ght she wanted me naked.

"Please don't make me cook naked," I asked her while kneeling.

"Kiss my feet and I will consider your request," she said. I detected a ghost of a smile.

I bent down and immediately began kissing her feet. She was still in her nylons, so I was kissing her through the gauzy material. She giggled. "You may wear whatever you want while cooking, but I want you naked once everything has been served."

"Thank you, Alexandra," I told her, giving each foot a final kiss before straightening up. After dinner she made me give her a bubble bath and read to her.

"Oh my god!" I said. "This is lesbian erotica!"

She giggled. "Are you enjoying it?"

I looked at her. "Yes."

"Keep reading then," she said, closing her eyes again, bubbles up to her chin.

After a while I looked up and noticed she was moving. I stopped reading.

"What are you doing?"

She opened her eyes and looked at me. "The same thing I do every morning while you are in the shower. It's the only thing that has kept your lesbian virginity intact. It's a good thing you take long showers."

I immediately started to blush.

"Keep reading, Slave."

"Yes, Alexandra," I said, lowering my eyes to the book.

She was quiet and actually somewhat subtle, but several minutes later she gasped several times then let out a long, slow sigh, and the room became more still. I finished reading the story and then looked at her. When she opened her eyes, I said, "We just totally had phone sex."

She laughed. "Well, I did, anyway." She narrowed her eyes at me. "I'm not sure you did, but we could remedy that."

I'm not sure I had finished blushing.

She licked her lips. "In case you were wondering, you were pretty good."

"Alex!"

"Your tongue would have felt better."

"Alex!"

"Stick your tongue out."

"What? No."

She narrowed her eyes. "Slave, stick your tongue out or face punishment."

I looked at her. "Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"What would you do to punish me?"

"Stick your tongue out or you can find out."

Slowly I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Can you curl it?" she demonstrated with her own tongue for a second. I copied her. "Nice," she said. "You can put it back now."

"That was totally wrong," I told her in my most offended voice.

She laughed. "Worse than masturbating in front of you while you read erotica to me?"

"I can't believe you did that, either. Have you no shame?"

"What is there to be ashamed of?"

"What? Everything."

"Oh. Okay. Tell me exactly what is wrong with what I did."

"It's indecent."

"Says who?"

"Everybody!"

Alex smiled at me. "Why is it indecent?"

"You're still trying to tease me."

"No, I'm honestly curious. Why is it indecent?"

"Because-" I thought about it.

She leaned her chin on the edge of the tub, watching me.
I couldn't offer her an answer.

"Is it indecent because pleasure is indecent?"

"Of course not."

"Maybe because sex is indecent?"

"Yes. Exactly. Sex is indecent."

She leaned back in the tub and sighed. "You do know where babies come from, right?"

I sputtered at her.

"I tell you what, Melissa," she said. "If you can articulate clearly what is indecent about what we just did together, I won't make you do it."

"What? You wouldn't."

"I most certainly would," she said. "And I would enjoy watching."

"Oh god."

She smiled. "Or, if you can honestly tell me you aren't wet right now, I'll change the subject."

I squirmed while she looked at me.

"Was it the erotica that made you wet?" she asked. "Or was it because we're both naked and only a couple of feet apart? Maybe it's because you love being my sex slave, and you're wet all the time. Or maybe it was the excitement of watching me come off in front of you."

I was dying of embarrassment, and everything she said made me even more embarrassed.

"I'm not wet," I said sullenly.

"You're not? Reach down and check."

"No!"

"I'll close my eyes," she said, closing her eyes. "There, now you can check and I won't be watching."