Untrusting (Troubled) (18 page)

“What about you and Steve?  I
can see you holdin’ back when it’s obvious you’re falling for him.  What’s
holding ya back?  Ya know he’s not gay, so that’s not the reason.” 
Maria’s right, what is hold me back?

“I don’t know.  When we kiss I
become so involved, it’s like I’m desperate for him and leading myself into a
“wanna be” situation.  It scares me that I may be convincing myself of
something I want, not something I can’t live without.  I’m crazy about
him, but I’m afraid to show it because I’m not sure if it’s my heart or my
loneliness.  Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

“Yeah.  So you’re holding back
when ya could be having fun and trying to find out how ya feel because ya don’t
trust your reasons for your interest in him.  Let me ask ya what ya like
about Steve.”

I list all the things I’ve found
comfortable and likable, finding there’s not much I don’t like.  I,
especially, like the way he kisses me and what it does to me and yet it scares
me to lose myself so completely.

“Did ya lose yourself ‘so
completely’ with your fiancé?  Is that what scares ya?”

“No.  Ronnie never even came
close to my experience with Steve so there’s no comparison.”

“Maybe that’s what’s scaring
ya.  You’ve never experienced the amount of ‘wanting’ someone you’re
experiencing now and you’re afraid you’ll start relying on him too much, losing
yourself, your independence, self reliance and confidence.  You’ve been working
hard to get the clinic goin’ maybe you’ve lost yourself to the work and don’t
know who you are anymore.  I’ve noticed we don’t have much fun anymore and
haven’t for some time.  Maybe we just don’t know ourselves anymore. 
Maybe we need some time away from things.  Maybe we need to go to the
coast for a week and just have fun.  Never mind, I don’t know how we’d do
that.  We can’t afford it, nor do we have time for it and I have
Shay.  How can a person lose themselves so completely the way we seem to
have?”

“I don’t know, but I think ‘all
work and no play’ has certainly taken its toll on us.  I think that’s our
problem with these relationships.  But what do we do about it?” 
Maria’s quiet.

“I don’t know and I can’t figure
out anything to bring back the fun.  Sher, have we ever been anything but
studious and serious?  I don’t remember many times we weren’t walking the
straight and narrow.  We’ve always been too serious.  Remember when
your mother told us to go outside and play and we couldn’t think of anything to
do?  We never really fantasized about being mothers and wives or
brides.  Why not?  We never really had boyfriends and when we did we
jumped right into the middle of trouble.  I married the wrong man and you
almost did.  We need to learn how to have fun and find that side of
ourselves.  That’s what the problem is.”

“I think you’re right.  How do
we fix it?”

“Talk to your mother and I’ll talk
to mine.  Maybe they’ve had the same problem and can help us figure out
what we need to do.”  We discover its midnight and we have to work
tomorrow.  So we decide talking to our Moms is our best course.  So
we hang up and go to bed.

I don’t sleep very well; I can’t
remember much fun after elementary school.  Kids in junior high were
pairing up and goin’ to movies, dating.  Maria and I didn’t, we were
studying and working with our families.  We spent the night at each others
house and when we did we couldn’t get too noisy because everyone had to get up
early.  In high school we studied, hoping to get some kinda scholarship to
college.  Maria got one that paid her tuition for four years, but she
couldn’t go because it was so far from home and she’d have to work during
college to live away from home.  I was close to a scholarship, but didn’t
quite make it.  Mom and Dad paid my way through college and I came home to
help on the ranch during the summers.  We never really had a chance to
have fun.  The most fun I remember us having is when we’d sneak off to the
creek and go swimming.  Once that riddle was solved I fell asleep.

Maria beat me to work today. 
“You’re late, get much sleep?”

“No, couldn’t stop trying to
remember when we had fun growing up.”  I’m taking my sweater off, it’s
chilly this morning.  “I couldn’t remember having time for fun.  I
did remember the times we slipped away to go swimmin’.”

“That’s about all I could remember,
too.  There were a few parties my family had, but I couldn’t remember if I
was involved.  I think I was mostly on the sidelines laughing at someone
else’s antics.  We have two appointments this morning.  One should be
along soon.”  We get to work.

I check on the puppies and mama and
I can see they’ve been fed.  I’ll bathe them between appointments.  I
look out the back door to see the façade of the “Social Center” is almost
finished.  It looks very nice.  We’ll soon have to arrange the cats
play balcony and the play yard.  I need to check on the animal shelter
today.

Miss Lili and the guys came in at
eleven thirty with lunch.  Maria and I get hugs and kisses.  We eat
and give the guys instructions for the afternoon.  Miss Lili drove her
caddy over so Maria and I drive our vehicles over to Miss Lili’s, pick up Mom
and drive off in Bob’s truck.

We talked all the way to
Gatesville.  Miss Lili is excited to be out with Maria, Mom and me
shopping.  We get in and Miss Lili asks for two guys to help us
shop.  We have two flatbed carts and Miss Lili is filling them up. 
Maria and I have to get two regular carts for the meat.  Miss Lili insists
we get two dozen packages of hamburger and two dozen hams.  I know she’s
well off financially, but this is going to cost her a fortune.  But, she
says she did her homework and this is what she needs so we don’t argue with
her.  We then have to stop at Walmart to get three dozen kids Halloween
costumes and other incidentals.  Then we stop at a church to pick up
several boxes of clothes.  They’d put them aside for Miss Lili.  We
stop at Goodwill so Miss Lili can buy some kids books then off to the Salvation
Army for more boxes of clothes and books.

The drive back was a little
cramped.  The truck was full and three of us sat in the front seat with a
box of books under Maria’s feet in the back seat.  “I’m sorry girls, but
I’ve picked up some extra things for the school.  The costumes and the
books will go there.  In a few weeks I have to start getting baskets
together for Thanksgiving and then there’s Christmas.  I love helping at
Christmas and I want to make sure everyone has a nice one.”

Maria’s trying to drop off to
sleep, lucky her.  “You girls don’t look like you got a good night’s
sleep.  I’ve noticed you look very tired lately.  When was the last
time you took some time off?”

“ Yesterday was time off.” 
I’m pretty sure that’s not what Miss Lili means, but I’d rather play dumb than
answer the question.

“No, I mean a vacation, a week or
two.  Just took off and had some fun away from work and home.”  She
asked anyway.

“I can’t remember if we ever
have.  Why?”

“Before we get involved in the
“Boarding House” and the animal shelter we need to take off for a week.  I
have some business I have to attend to in Corpus, I’d like you girls to go with
me.  We’d only be gone about five or six days.  A little swimming and
relaxing away from anything to do with work might do us some good.  What’d
ya think?”  I can see Miss Lili isn’t going to take no for an answer.

“I’ll have to get things taken care
of at the office and the newsletter and I gotta get the dogs into a home and
check my finances to be able to do that.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to
afford it.  I don’t know what Maria will think of it.”  Miss Lili
smiles at me, but says nothing more ‘til Maria wakes up.

Then she lays out a nice little
vacation and what sounds like fun.  Maria and I will need some spending
money, but everything else will be taken care of.  We won’t be in Corpus
Christi, exactly, but we’d be on the beach and can relax for about a
week.  If Maria can leave Shay with her sister for a week, Miss Lili will
give her a phone number where she can be reached if necessary.  Maybe we
can sleep in and get some real rest before we start in on the resort and the
animal shelter.  Week after next would be great, the boys can watch the
office, the newsletter and the posters.  We could have some fun, for a
change.  Maria has to check with her sister, but we’ll let her know
tomorrow.

At Miss Lili’s there’re twelve
people waiting for us.  I was supposed to go to the office and get the
guys, but Dad brought them home since we were late getting back.  Puppies
were fed and bathed before they left the office and the newsletter and posters
are done for this week.  This is Monday, how’d the guys do all that? 
Dad explains the guys were so bored they just got it all done.

Later, I ask Mom about Miss Lili’s
invitation and Maria’s and my problem with the guys.  She thinks we should
go.  I haven’t had much fun for some time now and Maria’s never had a
break.  If it’d help with the guys we should go “play” for a while. 
We’ve been working too hard and too much.

I get a chance to drop by Maria’s
before I go home and I tell her what Mom’d said.  She says she’d talked to
her mother and sister and they think it’s a good idea, too.  So should we
go?  Maria’s gonna miss Shay and worry about him.  But Miss Lili is
our partner and she has business there and she can’t drive that far by herself. 
We won’t need much spending money since we won’t be buying anything. 
About a hundred dollars should do it, and we’ll be bringing most of it back
with us anyway.  Okay, but there’s reservations about leaving Shay.

When Bob and Steve hear about the
trip they’re not too thrilled, but they say Miss Lili makes this trip a couple
of times a year.  They’ll watch the office and take care of the newsletter
while we’re gone.  They know the puppies are going home this weekend so
there’ll be nothing to do at the clinic.  The week after we come back
they’ll be on light duty at the station so the first week of November is
perfect.  Mom steps up and says she’ll help at the office, too.  So
arrangements are made by three on Tuesday and Miss Lili couldn’t be
happier.  She goes home to make the arrangements for the visit and the
trip.

The guys are around the next couple
of days so I ask Steve and Bob what they think of the name we came up with for
the boarding kennel.  They haven’t heard it so I tell them “Paws Boarding
House.”  They laugh.  They offer their suggestions:  “Pet’s
Motel,” “Paws Retreat,” “Animal House,” which got a laugh from the guys, “Paws
at the Bluff,” another few yucks, “The Pets Plaza,” “Paws for the Cause.” 
Okay, I learned my lesson.  When the guys quit guffawing at themselves, I
point out the façade and ask for something to go with the design of the
building.  They ask where we came up with the building design.  I
tell them the “Cheyenne Social Club.”  “A brothel?” they say at the same
time and they start laughing again.

“We liked the colonial look of the
building and thought it might blend the upper play areas for the cats with the
design.”

“Well, it does and it is colonial
western,” Bob says still laughing, “but a brothel?”  They’re laughing
again.  “Were you planning a breeding resort?”  Their very funny,
they think.  I’m not laughing.

Maria and Miss Lili have returned
and are standing behind the guys.  “We hadn’t planned it that way and this
façade has been used on many buildings.  We just liked it and thought it would
work.”  Miss Lili says.

“And we don’t appreciate your
laughing at our choices.  The building is classic is it not?  And the
cats’ play yard works with the design and is hardly noticeable, right? 
Then what’s wrong with a decent, classy name for it?”  Maria has a
voice.  The guys are choking back their snickers.

“Nothing, we were just razzing
Sher,” Bob says.  “Sorry,” came out of both guys at once.

“We want something that fits the
building, the state and the town.  We want classy yet tells what it’s for. 
Now, do you have any real suggestions?”  Miss Lili is ready to listen.

The guys turn to look at the
building.  After a few minutes Steve says, “How about “Colonial Pet
Boarding House.’?”  He’s looking at Bob.  Bob nods and there’s no
snickering.

“Got any others?”  Miss Lili
wants something else.

“’Waggin’ Tails Boarding House,’ or
‘Paws Play House,’ or ‘Paws Omega House,’ or ….”  Bob’s run outta
suggestions, steam and snickers.

“How about ‘Paws City Boarding
House’ for the name?” Steve says.  “It’s western, says what it does and
for who, tho’ the class is a little questionable it does show exclusivity, to
pets.”  Bob slaps Steve on the shoulder, indicating he thinks Steve did
well.

Miss Lili smiles, “We’ll keep those
suggestions in mind.  Now let’s have lunch.”

We go in to have lunch.  After
lunch we call the people who spoke for the dogs and invite them over Friday,
tomorrow, afternoon to pick their puppy and take it home.  Maria and I go
to the hardware store for leashes and totes while the guys print up
instructions for care.  Then we go back to fill the totes with a bag of
puppy food, dog bowls, leashes, brushes, care instructions and discount coupons
for vaccinations and spaying or neutering.  The guys and Miss Lili also
printed up a flyer for the boarding kennel, to be open before
Thanksgiving.  The bags packed, the puppies fed and bathed, we lock the
clinic up.  We’re to have supper at Miss Lili’s tonight.  So I go
home with Miss Lili and Steve while Bob goes home with Maria to get Shay.

One week ‘til I’ll be packing for
my first vacation ever.  I feel strange, I can’t explain it.  Like
I’m running away from something and it’s bad that I’m doing it.  I have a
sense of foreboding about this trip, but that’s probably because I’ve never done
anything like this before and don’t know what to expect.  I’m thinking all
of this while I help Miss Lili fix supper.  Bob and Steve are sitting at
the table talking to Miss Lili about the trip, but I’m not listening because
I’m caught up in my own thoughts.  Steve grabs me as go past him and pulls
me into his lap.  “Don’t let Grams lead ya astray while y’all are in
Corpus.  She has friends there that are unbelievable.  That means ya
can’t believe anything they say.  That’s my only warning about this trip. 
Oh, and don’t forget me.”  With that he kisses me, but not the quick kiss
he’s been giving me when we’re in the company of others.  After a minute,
Bob and Miss Lili start hooting, Maria’s laughing and Shay comes in and starts
hooting.  We break it off.

Bob takes one look at Maria’s face
when Shay started hooting and grabs him, taking off for the living room, a
crutch under one arm and Shay in the other.  Maria says nothing…’til Bob
comes back.  He goes over to her, puts his arms around her and kisses her
before she can say anything.  She’s trying to push him away when Shay
comes in and yells “All right!”  Miss Lili rescues him this time, taking
his hand and leading him back into the living room.  After he’s out of the
room, the rest of us laugh at his enthusiasm over the kiss.

Maria pushes Bob away and tries to
stay mad at him, but he won’t let her.  He’s whispering in her ear and
once in a while she snickers.  Miss Lili comes back, “Well, you sure got
his vote.”  And we start laughing again.

“That’s good, because I plan to
make them both mine.”  He looks at Maria as she turns toward him. 
“What?  I’ve never kept it a secret how I feel about you and Shay.” 
He grabs Maria and pulls her to him in a bear hug, nibbling her neck, causing her
to giggle and push him away.  “I can’t play rough right now,” and he
whimpers his next words, “I’m broken and at a disadvantage.”

Miss Lili’s laughing, “Sounds like
a good time to take advantage of the situation, to me.”  With that and
outta shock we all hoot and laugh.  “I guess now’s a good time to put
supper on the table.”  Maria and I start helping to get the table set and
put supper on it.  After supper we clean the kitchen and talk about the
trip.  We’ll be staying over in San Antonio Sunday night and part of
Monday, then on to Corpus and sand and surf.

Maria has to get Shay home to
bed.  So we leave for home, going separate directions.

Friday we get everything done at
the office and at three o’clock all the adopting owners show up.  They go
out back to pick their puppy and bring them back in to fill out the paperwork
and pick up their totes.  Mama’s picked up at four thirty.  There’s
one puppy left besides Chaucee.  I decide I’ll keep her, or see if Mom and
Dad want her.  We all go out to eat and I go back to get the puppy and go
home.

I take the puppy over to Mom and
Dad’s to see what they say about her.  I tell them I’ll keep her if they
don’t want her, but this next week I’ll need them to watch her anyway. 
“What’s her name, if we have to watch her.”

“I haven’t named her yet, got any
suggestions?”  I haven’t had the time to figure out her personality.

“I don’t know her yet and suspect
that’s the same reason she doesn’t have a name yet.”  Mom’s gonna take
her, I can tell, she hasn’t put the puppy down since I brought her in. 
When I go to leave Mom goes out with us.  She watches the puppy trotting
around the yard.  “She’s kinda prim and particular, isn’t she?  Come
mere little Princess.”  The puppy comes to her.  She picks her up and
says, “Okay, well, I guess we’ll see you tomorrow.”  She and Princess go
back in the house and I walk home alone.

I sleep in for the first time in
two months.  There’s nothing at the office I need to tend to.  About
one I take my laundry to Moms.  Princess is perched on her new bed and
comes running when I come in.  Dad comes around the kitchen door with some
new puppy toys and stops dead still, as if caught doing something wrong. 
I step back and let him through to the porch where Princess is, or was. 
“Ah, toys…for the dog,” he says as he steps out the door.  I go into the
laundry room and while I’m filling the washer I hear Dad talking and playing
with Princess.  I find myself smiling, listening and then I’m acting like
I’ve been caught with my hand in the cookie jar when Mom steps in the room.

“They’re quite a pair.  He’s
gonna tell you I bought the toys, but all I got was the chew bone.”  We
chuckle and then we hear Dad scolding Princess, she piddled on the porch. 
Dad takes her out anyway and when she finishes outside he praises her.  He
leaves her out and comes in for paper towels to clean up the porch without a
word.  When we come out, we find them playing ball in the yard.  Mom
bumped me with her elbow as if to say, “See.”

I get a chance to play with
Princess before my laundry finishes and I go home.  Shortly after that
Steve knocks on my door.  “How’d you get here?”  I say as I open the
door.  Stupid question since his truck is setting right there, only a few
feet away.  He comes in, hugs and kisses me.

“I had to see ya today.  I
tried to call ya to see if you’d go out to dinner with me tonight, but your
phone was busy.  When Bob tried to call Maria for the same reason and her
line was busy we figured y’all were talking.  I dropped Bob off on the way
out.”

“You’re not supposed to
drive.  How’d you drive out here?”

“I sprained my left ankle and with
the automatic transmission, my right foot’s all I need.  Aren’t ya glad to
see me?”

“Yes, I’m glad to see you, but I
don’t wan‘cha to hurt your ankle again.  Sit down, ya make my arms hurt
standing there with those crutches.”  He sits down on the couch and pats
the cushion beside him so I sit down next to him.

He puts his arm around me and pulls
me to him.  “Sher, are we ever going to come to terms with what’s going on
between us?”

I put my head on his should, “I
hope so.  It would be easier if I knew what it is.”

“I know.  Overwhelming is how
it feels to me, but I’ve never felt this before.”

“Yeah, I know what ya mean, but I’m
at a loss as to what it is.”

“Well, if we can’t put a name to it
then I guess we’ll just have to wait ‘til we can.”  We get up and I put my
laundry away.  Mom and Dad come over with a suitcase for me to use on my
trip and stay to talk for a while.

Steve tells me to pack a couple of
cocktail dresses with my jeans, tank tops, blouses, sneakers and socks, and
sandals when I pack this next week.  I look at him like he’s crazy, “I
don’t have any cocktail dresses, never had a use for them.  Why would I
need one now?”  Miss Lili has a couple of dressy parties when she’s
there.  “Maybe, we won’t have to go.  I hate those kinda things and I
know Maria can’t dress like that either.  Maybe this trip is a mistake for
me and Maria.”

“No, it’s not.  Grams has some
charity and political things she does while she’s there.  You’ll meet a
lotta people and have fun.  She won’t be able to go if you girls don’t and
she does like to do these things.  She says it helps Granite Bluff. 
I don’t know how, but she’s managed to get help for the town making this trip
every year.  It’s important to her, so help her out will ya?”

“The times Bob and I went with her,
we didn’t have to do much, just the couple ‘a parties I mentioned and listen to
her talk about who she’d talked to and saw in her meetings.  We swam most
of the day and laid around when we weren’t swimming.  Maybe you can get
some real rest while you’re gone.  I hope so because you look worn out.”

“What a nice thing to say,” I say
snidely.

“I just meant ya need some
rest.  Will ya go to supper with Bob, Maria and me?”

“Yeah, but what about Miss Lili?”

“Miss Lili will be babysitting
Shay, if she has her way.”  Steve puts his arm around my shoulders and
pulls me into a kiss.  It isn’t as light as he’d meant it to be. 
“Sher, I can wait, but I hope it isn’t much longer.”

“Your ankle needs to heal. 
Then you’ll have to be careful not to reinjure it for a few weeks after that.”

“My ankle can be worked around in a
few weeks.  I just can’t put any weight on it.  Are ya saying my
ankle is the only hold up?”

“Not necessarily, but it’s
certainly a factor.”  The last few comments have my head lowering
somewhat.

“Are you scared, or nervous about
our being together?  There’s no reason to be, because it’ll happen only
when both of us are ready and when that happens, we won’t know what hit
us.  So relax, I’m not gonna rush ya.”

“Thanks, now ya need to move your
truck so I can get mine out, if we’re having dinner in town.”

“Nope.  You’ll need to drive
back to town” he ducks his head, “and maybe in town and back out here, but
you’re going with me this time.  Can I use your phone to call Maria’s to
see if they’re going out or not?”  I hand him the phone and dial the
number, since he doesn’t know Maria’s number.

“Everything’s okay on their
end.  Ya ready to go?”

“I gotta change into jeans. 
I’ll only be a minute.”

“Too bad, I like your legs.” 
Steve sits down and props his leg up on the couch while I change in the
bathroom.

Steve props his knee on the seat
while we drive in.  “Is your ankle hurtin’?”

“A bit.  I bumped it getting
in the truck when we left Grams, but it’ll be okay.”

“Steve, we don’t have to do this
tonight if you’re hurting.”

“Yes we do.  Bob and I want to
see our girls tonight.”

“Do you and Bob usually help
decorate the house for Halloween?  And when does Miss Lili decorate? 
Isn’t that really why ya wanted outta the house?”

“It takes her a week to get all
decorated and she started tonight.  We did need to get outta her way, but
we wanted to spend time with our girls, honest.”

I laugh, “Okay, I almost believe
that.”

Steve chuckles, “Honest
injin.”  And he holds up his right hand.

We stop at Maria’s and we girls
start in on the guys about how they were in the way at Miss Lili’s and she
shooed them off and the only place they could go was to see us.  The guys
finally give in and agree that was what had happened, if we want to believe it
happened that way.  It was really all circumstantial.  They were
getting ready to come see us and they were in the way of the first stages of
the decorating crew.  Okay, since they put their leaving first, we’ll
accept their reasoning.

We go to dinner and out to Wylie’s
where Maria and I line dance for a while then we want to go home.  I drop
Maria and Bob off then drive to my place.  Steve comes in for a while and
we talk about Halloween at Miss Lili’s and have coffee.  The night’s cool
so we go outside to sit on the porch.  It’s getting late and still we sit,
the conversation drifting away to quiet.  Steve puts his arm around me,
pulling me into a kiss.

He’s not kidding with this kiss and
I can’t help myself, I’m shaking like I’m in Alaska, mid winter, with no
coat.  He pulls away, “Sher, what’s wrong?  Does this scare ya?”

“A little, but I’m not sure that’s
why I’m shaking.  I don’t know what’s going on.”  He pulls away and
stands up fumbling in his pocket for something.

“I guess I’d better go.  Have
you still got my keys?”  I tell him their on the end table and I’ll get
them for him.  He stands looking out toward the barn while I get
them.  The moonlight’s bright and I can see the look on his face when I
hand him the keys.  He’s upset, or angry with me.

“Steve, I really don’t know what
happened.  Please don’t be angry.”

“I’m not, but I have to go. 
Will ya call Bob to tell him I’m on my way?”  I nod and he gets in his
truck and leaves without another word or a kiss.

I go in and call Maria’s, after I
tell her Steve’s on his way, I ask her to call me after Bob leaves.

When she calls back I tell what had
happened and all she can come up with is that I’m not ready to commit enough to
be okay alone with Steve when there are possibilities of things going further
than I feel comfortable with.  I don’t know, because I was fine ‘til he
kissed me seriously.  It wasn’t the same kind of kiss, it was
different.  But I wasn’t scared by it.  I don’t know what caused the
shaking.  We can’t figure it out and its past midnight so we hang up so we
can get some sleep.

Bob and Miss Lili come over all
week for lunch but I don’t see Steve ‘til Thursday morning.  He and Bob
are here to get to know the office and how it works.  Steve and I are
distant all morning.  Miss Lili comes in with lunch and notices Bob and
Maria are talking and teasing each other while Steve and I aren’t
speaking.  She decides we need to eat outside in the sunshine.  Maria
and I take the chairs from the waiting room out onto the small concrete slab
and Miss Lili goes to get a folding table.  We eat when she returns and
there’s conversation while we eat, but Steve and I don’t speak to each other
directly.

After we eat, Miss Lili politely
tells us to stay outside ‘til we work out our problem.  Steve tells her,
“I don’t know that we can.  I scared her the other night and I don’t want
to do it again.”

“I wasn’t afraid of you.  I
don’t know what that was and I told ya so then.”  I say it sternly. 
“But if ya don’t think we can work it out then I guess we can’t.”  I walk
away toward the boarding kennel, stopping to look at the cats’outside
areas.  I hear Steve following me and I step inside the building.  He
comes in after me.

“Is this the way ya plan to work it
out, by walking away?”  He’s just a stern as I was.