Until Today (8 page)

Chapter Thirteen

My bones feel like mush and I wish I could sleep for a week.

“You look tired. Are you okay?” Mom asks, glancing at me when she stops at a red light.

“Yeah.” I close my eyes, hoping she'll take the hint. If I tell her about my day, she'll probably accuse Taylor of lying. Besides, I can't. I'm bound by patient confidentiality.

The muscles in my arms are still cramped from leaning over the bed and holding Taylor's hand while she poured her heart out to Aunt Sheila. My head pounds like a ticking time bomb.

I open my eyes and look out the window, thinking about the past few hours.

I can still see Taylor's haunted eyes when she denied everything after I asked her to talk to Aunt Sheila.

“We don't need help. We're happy.”

My heart sank. She was going backwards. I struggled to control my panic and frustration. I squeezed Taylor's hand, trying to gather my thoughts. “I know you're happy. Wouldn't you like to be even happier?”

Taylor was silent for a moment. “I don't know.”

“Would your very own Peter Rabbit book make you happier?”

Taylor nodded, the corners of her mouth lifting slightly.

“Okay. What about playing at the park? Would that make you happier?”

She nodded again.

I looked out the window, trying to figure out what else to say. Flaming red and orange leaves twirled down from the trees.
Of course, what kid doesn't like playing in the leaves this time of year.

I looked back at Taylor. “You know what made me happy? Once I helped my dad rake the leaves on our lawn into a big pile, and then I jumped in them.”

Taylor's eyes widened. “Did he get mad?”

“No, he jumped in with me.” An image of Dad and me jumping in the leaves flashed through my head. It made me sad to realize we haven't had fun like that for so long.

Taylor's eyes grew even wider. “Really?” she whispered.

“Yeah, and then we raked them up and did it all over again. Would something like that make you happier?”

Taylor's awed expression disappeared. Her eyes glazed, and her face took on a ghost-like pallor. “My dad would get really mad. You must have a nice dad.”

“Yeah, I suppose I do.” Dad and I have our problems, especially with communication, but he's a good guy.

“Taylor, if we could get help for your daddy, he could learn how to control his anger. Then you could do everything we talked about, and more.”

Taylor nodded and wiped her tears.

“Are you ready for me to call Dr. Williams?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Well, we're home.” Mom's voice brings me back to the present.

“Thanks for picking me up.” I open the door and dodge into the house, avoiding any further conversation with Mom.

Dad is in his office, talking on the phone. I sneak to my room, closing the door behind me so I don't have to face anyone. Relieved, I flop on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

I can't believe so much could happen in a single day. Within a few hours, Taylor's life has changed forever.

My heart breaks for Taylor and what she is going through. But, for the first time in her life, things can only get better for her. I promised her that she would be able to jump into a pile of leaves as soon as she was stronger.

So why am I not feeling better?

I sit up and stare at the mirror as my image blurs and changes. A girl, who looks to be about six, stares back at me. She has blonde pigtails, a spattering of freckles across her nose, and two missing front teeth. She looks like any other child, except for the fear reflected in her eyes. A tear runs down the child's face. I reach up and feel wetness on my cheek.

Tenderness and love for this child fills me, just like it did the first time I saw Taylor.

“You don't deserve it, either. But I don't know how to help you,” I whisper to the child.

Her sad face starts to fade.
No, don't go!

I rise from the bed and approach the mirror. The child is gone, replaced by my reflection.

I have to fight for that little girl. She deserves a life without fear, too. She needs to play without listening for
his
voice. She needs to feel safe in her home without
him
walking through the door. She needs to know her parents will always love her and take her side over
his
.

That child is inside you. That child needs you right now.

I shake my head. That child is gone.

I can't think this through without my journal. I open the bedroom door to run to the clubhouse.

“Oh! You scared the wits out of me.” Mom clenches her hand over her chest, her other hand offers the cordless phone.

“Sorry,” I mumble, trying to step around her.

“Wait.” Mom grabs my arm. “Steph is on the phone.”

“Steph?” I ask stupidly.

“Yes.” Mom studies me, her eyebrow raised in concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I take the phone and turn around to close the door again.

“You're welcome,” Mom shouts when the door shuts in her face.

I haven't spoken to Steph since our last fight.
What can she want?

Chapter Fourteen

I stare at the phone, afraid to answer it. If Steph starts talking about Mike, we'll argue again. But if she misses me as much as I miss her…

I sit on the bed and raise the phone to my ear. “Hello?” My voice croaks like a sick frog.

“Hi,” Steph whispers.

Our breathing is the only thing breaking the silence between us. The phone is slippery in my sweaty palm. Why doesn't she say anything? Did she change her mind? Maybe I can't hear her over my pounding heart.

“How are you?” Steph finally asks.

How am I? I'm an emotional wreck.
I feel lost and betrayed and I miss you like crazy. You haven't been here for me through any of this.

Shying away from voicing any of these thoughts, I shrug my shoulders as if she's in the room. “Fine. You?”

“Okay. Look – this is kind of awkward – maybe I could come over?”

“Why?” I don't want her here if we're going to fight again.

“Because I miss you, you dork,” Steph says and then gasps. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that.”

I catch my breath.
Did she say she misses me?

“Are you there? Kat?”

A bubble of laughter escapes. Trying to hold it in, I start to snort and then we're both laughing.

“I'll meet you at the front door,” I gasp between giggles, and we both hang up.

I throw open the front door just as Steph runs up the driveway.

“Hey, Dork,” she says, bounding up the steps. We laugh and hug, goofy grins plastered on our faces.

“I'm sorry,” we both say in unison and collapse again into a fit of giggles.

“Come on upstairs.” We run to my room. Closing the door, I grin at my best friend. It's so good to have her back.

“I'm sorry,” she says. “I don't know how many times I picked up the phone to call you and chickened out. I was hurt that you didn't need me when Sarah disappeared—”

“That's not true! You weren't home. You were out with Mike.” I flinch at saying his name.

“That's not fair….”

I hold up my hand. “It doesn't matter. You weren't home when it happened. It doesn't matter where you were.”

Liar. You were upset that she was out with Mike when you needed her.
Ignoring the voice inside my head, I flop down on the bed beside Steph. She has that look on her face, as if she is trying to hold something back.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing.”

“Come on. What's up? It'll kill you to keep your mouth shut.”

Steph smiles before becoming serious. “You okay, Kat?”

I'm suddenly wary.
What does she know?

“Of course I'm okay. What do you mean?”

“Well, Scott said you haven't been yourself lately.”

“Scott doesn't know what he's talking about. Besides, why were you talking about me like that?”

“Don't get mad. I had to practically drag it out of him. I wanted to know how you were after Sarah's disappearing act. He told me that I should've come to see how you're doing. He's right. I'm sorry we fought.”

I shrug, uncomfortable with this conversation.

“He told me you aren't yourself. At first he thought it might be because of our fight, but he thinks it's something more. He said that things were weird the other night with you and your parents and even Greg.”

Panic begins to close in around me.
What did Scott see?
Everything begins to darken.
Concentrate, Kat. Stay with it.
I
take a deep breath and force my mind to focus on Steph. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. If I tell, I can never go back. If I tell, I'll be the bad one.

“Kat?”

I force a smile. “Scott was imagining things. Everything's fine. The usual – you know, Sarah pulls a pout for attention, Dad immediately sides against me, and everything is my fault. And what would Scott know? I've hardly seen him lately.” It takes all my concentration to keep my voice light.

“Yeah, he's been really moody at home, and for some reason he's hanging out with those Science geeks at school…. So that's it? Just the usual family chaos?”

I nod. “You know how it can be around here.” I turn away to avoid Steph's eyes. Can I fool her after all our years of friendship?

“Yeah. How're things now?”

I shrug. “Don't know. I haven't been here much. Yesterday at breakfast I got the cold shoulder. Then I went to work and stayed late, so I haven't really seen either of my parents since.”

“Why did Sarah take off?”

“We had a stupid argument about…pizza, and she had a hissy fit.”

“Hmmm. Let's talk about more exciting things,” Steph suggests, and I'm in total agreement, as long as those more exciting things have nothing to do with Mike.

We talk for over an hour about school, music, gossip, and anything else we can think of.

I even tell Steph about Taylor, without mentioning Taylor's name or who her family is.

“Wow, you mean this poor kid's father has been beating her and she's been afraid to tell anybody?” Steph plops a grape into her mouth.

“Yeah, he's been threatening her all along.”

“But still, even after all the threats, she could have told somebody. What's her problem?”

My gut clenches. I mentally count to ten, trying to cool my anger at Steph's naïve question.

As if sensing my mood, Steph says, “Oh well, at least everything's for the best now. You actually made a difference in somebody's life. It sounds like she'd still be crying in that hospital bed if you hadn't helped her. That's cool.”

I feel a bit better. I never thought of it that way. Who would have figured I could make a difference in somebody's life?

“Hmmm, I suppose.”

“Hey, let's get out of here for awhile. Mike and some of his friends are hanging out down by the dam this afternoon. You want to go?”

I should have been prepared for Mike's name to come sooner or later, but I wasn't. I don't want to go hang out with him and his friends, but I'm not ready to lose Steph again, now that we're back on track.

“Come on, I really want you to get to know Mike. He's not that bad.”

“Well…I guess so.”

“Great! I have to run home and change. Hey, why don't
I bring an outfit back for you?” Steph eyes my tattered sweats and pullover.

“I don't know. I'm kind of comfortable and…” I hesitate, thinking about the afternoon we've just had together. I feel good about making a difference in Taylor's life. I do want to help myself, so why not start with a new look?

An hour later, we leave the house and walk to the dam. It's only about a fifteen-minute walk from the house. That gives me time to adjust to the heels Steph insisted I wear.

With every step I take Steph's short skirt feels like it's hiking up my thighs. I pull down on it for what seems like the hundredth time, when Steph smacks my hand and tells me to stop fiddling.

“I can't help it. It feels like my butt is exposed to the world, and I'm cold.” I shiver in her borrowed sweater. She wouldn't let me bring my coat because it doesn't match the skirt.

“Don't think about the cold, and you won't feel it,” Steph says.

We continue the walk in silence; the only sound being the crunch of leaves under our feet. The musty smell of rotting fish and stale water grows stronger.

As we cross the bridge, Steph points to a group of people down by the dam. “There they are.” She breaks into a jog, leaving the sidewalk and heading down the path.

“Steph, wait up,” I yell, trying to jog in the heels.

My foot turns on a stone, knocking me off balance. I sprawl face first into the mud. A pain shoots through my knee. The earthy, damp smell of dirt and wet leaves fills my nostrils, making me sneeze. I blush when Mike's friends laugh from their perch on the dam.

Steph's feet appear in front of my face. “Are you okay?”

She helps me up. Brushing dirt off my hands, I glance down to assess the damage. My skin is red and scraped around my knee.

“I think I'll just go home.”
Why should I change who I am, anyway?

“No, come with me. Face them and laugh with them and it'll be fine.
Please
come.” Steph leads me back down the path. I follow, my body tight and my face burning with embarrassment.

“Hey, walk much?” a red-haired guy leaning against the cement wall of the dam yells.

“Ignore him. That's Tim. He thinks he's a real comedian, but nobody laughs at his jokes.” Steph glances back at me with a reassuring smile.

“It seems like they're all laughing this time.” I feel stupid and out of place.

“Hey everyone, this is Kat.” Steph introduces me to the group when we join them at the ledge.

“Hey Kat, nice legs,” a blond guy with a cigarette hanging from his mouth says.

“Her
legs
?” a guy with dark curls asks. “What about her ass? It looked pretty good sprawled in the dirt.”

Mortified, I stare at the ground and realize that this stupid
excuse for a skirt probably did ride up when I fell, exposing my butt for the world to see.

“Lay off, guys,” Mike's deep voice commands. “Come here, Baby.” I look up to see Steph being pulled toward Mike, like a rag doll. He gives her a kiss, running his hand over her rear.

“Come on you guys, get a room,” a girl standing off to the side says, making faces at Steph and Mike. I didn't notice her when we first joined the group. Is that a joint hanging from her mouth? She glances my way, smiling slyly. “You want a drag?” She holds the joint toward me.

The last remnants of laughter fade while they all watch, waiting to hear what I'll say.

“I don't…”

“Come on guys, leave her alone. You'll scare her away.” Mike snickers with a few of the other guys.

Steph punches Mike's arm. “Lay off.”

Mike narrows his eyes at Steph. I back away from the girl who is still holding the joint toward me.

“Oh, that's okay. Not right now,” I stammer. Why did I let Steph convince me to come?

Steph's eyes widen and she opens her mouth, pointing at something behind me. “Watch…”

I back up and trip over Tim's foot. For the second time within two minutes, I hit the dirt. This time I land on my rear, the impact jarring me enough that I bite my tongue. The salty taste of blood fills my mouth.

“Look guys, she's falling for me,” Tim says to a chorus of laughter.

I turn to Steph with pleading eyes, hoping she'll help me out of this situation before I make an even bigger fool of myself.

Steph pulls away from Mike to come to my aid, but his hand snakes out behind her to grab the back of her jacket. I can't believe she likes to hang out with these jerks. Obviously preserving her image with them means more to her than our friendship.

“Hey, Princess, let me give you a hand.” Tim reaches out to me.

“Forget it.” I slap his hand away. “I'd rather be touched by a snake than let you take my hand.”

“Ooohhhh! The princess has claws.” Tim backs away, pretending to be scared. Everybody chuckles, except Steph. She stares blankly, with Mike holding her in place like a master controlling his puppet.

I get up and brush the dirt off my behind. I look at each one of them, hating myself for letting them intimidate me, until my gaze stops on Steph. I've lost her to these idiots, who don't deserve her. Anger lends me the confidence I need to walk away with some pride.

“Call me if you ever get sick of these jerks.” Their taunts follow me, but I stick my nose in the air and stride away. If Steph would rather be with these brain-dead idiots, that's her choice.

“Isn't she high and mighty?” a voice yells from behind me. I ignore it and keep going. Every step feels like I'm dragging a cement brick with me.

“Kat!” Steph cries out. I pause for a moment, struggling to keep myself from turning around. She's my best friend, but she chose Mike. I keep walking and don't look back. Her choice is obvious and so is mine.