Until Now (Not Yet #2) (14 page)

“We’ll be fine. Go rock your exam.” I settled on the floor next to Finn’s bed and switched my phone to silent. All I needed was a text from Landon’s dumb butt waking the kid up. Not on my watch.

Grace stood in front of me, her eyes darting between Finn and me. She looked down at her watch, and her eyes widened. “I have to go right now if I’m going to make it.”

“Go. Run.” I pointed toward the door, and she took off in a sprint.

I settled back and took in the little dude’s space. The walls were plain white, probably because Grace wasn’t allowed to paint university property. Instead, there were posters hung all over of Finn’s favorite superheroes. A small bookshelf was filled with picture books, and there were lots of trucks, trains, and fire engines scattered around.

I pulled the blue blanket at Finn’s feet up to his chin and pressed the palm of my hand on his forehead. He was warm but not burning hot. Finn moaned and moved to his side, facing me. His eyes opened, and when he saw my face, his lips curved upward in a smile.

“Dean?” His voice was raspy and weak.

I stood up and sat on the edge of his bed. “Your mom had to take a really important test today, and then she has to help Miss Sylvie out at the diner. Is it okay if I hang with you?”

Finn nodded, and his eyes drifted shut. “Did Superman have a daddy?”

My chest tightened. I swallowed before I answered him. “I think so, Just Finn.”

He kept his eyes closed, but he smiled. “I think so too. I think Superman’s daddy would be just like you.”

Jesus
. This kid was too damn sweet. My stupid ass eyes felt wet at the corners as I watched Finn fall back asleep. I belonged here. Grace and Finn made me feel like this was exactly where I was meant to be.

I sat on his bed and tried to process my thoughts. Grace didn’t have anyone to turn to but me. I was fucking thrilled to be that person for her and Finn, but who would be there for her when I left next month? That thought made my stomach twist. We still hadn’t talked about my leaving. I think we were both scared to talk about the next step and disturb the happiness we had found right now. But I believed with every part of me that Grace and I could make this work. I hoped to God she believe that too.

Once I knew Finn was sound asleep, I moved into the living room and turned on the sports channel. I pulled out my phone
. Fuck.
It was blowing up.

Jon:
Where are you?

Jon:
The whole team is here for the meeting. Are you at Grace’s? Text me some excuse, and I’ll cover for you.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Jon:
You missed the meeting. We’re starting warm-ups. Get your ass over here.

Jon:
Coach is losing his mind, dude. You better be dead.

Christ almighty.
I was in serious trouble.

Coach K:
Dean, are you ill? Call the office immediately.

My stomach rolled. Could I have already caught the flu from Finn? I called Coach and dragged my hand down my face. What was I going to say?

“Dean?” Coach answered right away. “Are you okay, son?”

I brought my fist to my forehead and knocked.
Think, asshole, think
. “Sir, I’m sorry. I had an emergency this morning.”

Coach paused, most likely waiting for me to continue. “I’ll ask you again, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, sir. My friend is, uh, sick and needed me. I’ll come to the gym as soon as I can. It might be late this afternoon though.”

Silence filled the line.

More silence.

Coach still didn’t speak, and I was officially scared. Back when I was Finn’s age, this would be where I’d be crapping in my pants.

“Goldsmith, you will be in my office today at four o’clock. If you’re one minute late, you’ll be benched tomorrow.” My stomach landed on the floor. If Coach benched me, questions would be raised. Questions that could hurt my chances in the draft. That couldn’t happen. “Do you hear me?”

I cleared my throat and willed my panic to settle. “Yes, sir.”

“Be prepared to tell me the goddamn truth.” Coach bit out his words. He was furious. The sound of the dial tone filled my ear.

I stared at the phone and then threw it on the table. I would not fuck this up. Not when I was this close.

I waited until I knew Grace’s exam was over and then texted her.

Me:
I have a meeting at four. Can you be home by three thirty?

None of this was Grace’s fault. I wasn’t mad at her in the least. But me? I was a stupid motherfucker. Just like I had promised myself I would never do, I was risking my future because I fell for a girl.

No, not just fell. I was in love with this girl.

I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. With a clarity I hadn’t felt since I was a child and decided I wanted to play football as an adult, I knew exactly what I wanted. Grace and Finn were my priority. For the first time in my life, football hadn’t come first.

Oh fuck
. I slapped the palm of my hand against my head.

I was just like… Landon Washington.

Chapter Sixteen

Grace

I RACED INTO the diner at noon. I waved to Sylvie and then ran to the back room to get ready.

“Slow down, girl. I’ve got it under control.” Sylvie popped her head in and frowned at me. “I hate it when you run here.”

“You’re…” I gasped for air. “All by yourself,” I wheezed.

“No, I’m not.” Sylvie turned me around so she could tie my apron strings. “Alejandro is cooking in the kitchen. I’m not alone. Besides, we’re slow. I think half this town is sick.”

I grabbed my pad and pencil and followed her into the restaurant. She pointed to a booth, and I made my way over, glancing at the day’s specials on my way. “What can I get for you?” I looked down and saw Jon.

“Hi, Jon. How are you?” My smile was wide and friendly, but it slipped off my face when Jon’s eyes narrowed.

“Do you have any idea where Dean is today?” Jon’s mouth twisted, and his hands were clasped together on top of the table.

My head spun. I wouldn’t lie, but I also wasn’t sure what Dean would want me to say. “Um, yes. He’s at my apartment.”

Jon’s eyes bulged, and then he looked to his side. “Why in the hell is he there?” His jaw clenched, and he turned his head back to look at me.

I swallowed back the rock in my throat. “My son is sick.” My words were a whisper. I felt so guilty even uttering them aloud. I should be home with him, not Dean.

“Dean’s taking care of your son?” Jon asked himself the question. He groaned, and his head dropped down. “I knew this would happen. Shit.”

“What? What happened?” I heard the fear in my voice. Jon motioned for me to sit across from him. I sat down, wringing my hands together under the table.

“Grace, he missed practice and the team meeting today. Friday.” Jon stared at me, waiting for recognition to kick in. “The day before the championship game.”

My mouth formed an “O,” but I didn’t speak. “If Coach didn’t need him so badly to win, he’d bench him. That would affect his draft number.”

I felt the color drain from my face. I pressed my fingertips to my lips.

“I’ve known Dean since we were six years old. All he’s ever wanted was to play ball. He’s worked every year for this exact moment. To end college with a winning season and make it into the draft. To get placed as a quarterback on an NFL team. And he’s this close.” Jon held his finger and thumb up, a smidgeon of space between the two. “He’s almost there, and now he’s confused.”

He paused and took a drink of his water. “Has Dean talked to you about what will happen when he moves home at the end of the month?”

I traced circles on the tabletop with my fingertips. “No.”

Jon frowned. “Has he made any kind of commitment to you? Any promise to only be with you when he leaves?”

I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes. “We haven’t talked at all about what will happen with us after he graduates.”

Jon placed his hand over mine, and I stilled. “Has he said he loves you?”

I waited a beat before I looked up. The lump in my throat was so big it ached when I swallowed. “No.” I mouthed.

Jon leaned forward. “I’ve only told a few people in my life this, but I’m going to tell you. I grew up without a dad. My mom was always a single mom. Like you, she was beautiful. Still is.” He smiled. “So she dated. A lot. Over the years guys were always around. They never stayed. Never committed. Never loved her, I guess.” Jon took another drink of his water, and tears filled my eyes. “As an adult I can say that was their loss, but as a kid… Grace, I thought it was me. I thought if they left it was because I wasn’t good enough. Because they didn’t love me.”

He looked away, his own eyes shiny. I reached out and held his hand.

“Since the moment I saw that Dean had set his sights on you, I’ve been worried. Football has always come first for him, and you have a kid. I’ve been that kid. I can’t sit back and watch you fall in love with him and know your son is falling in love with him too, only to have him leave. And he will, Grace. He will put football first. Where does that leave your son?” he paused. “I know where it left me. Fucked up.”

I had these thoughts, these fears. I just hoped and prayed that we’d find a way to make it work. “Jon, I hear you. I swear to God I do, but you’re wrong about Dean.” My voice cracked, and I blew out a breath. “I think he really likes having Finn in his life. Maybe he can have both—us and football. “

Jon looked thoughtful as he rubbed his chin. “He told me he wished you didn’t have a kid. That everything would be so much easier without your son in the picture.” Jon stopped speaking and stared at me. “One of my mom’s boyfriends said that about me when he dumped her. I’ll never forget it.” I could tell this was really hurting him to talk about. On a hard swallow that worked his throat, Jon continued. “Dean’s my best friend, but he’s not ready to be a daddy, Grace. If he was, he wouldn’t have said that to me.”

Rage and sadness and utter devastation filled me.
He wished I didn’t have Finn?
My throat was so dry I grabbed Jon’s glass of water and gulped it down. “Thank you for talking to me and for trusting me with your past. I’m so sorry about the way you grew up. You have my word that I won’t let Finn feel the way you did.” Time to get control of my life back. I stood up and pulled out my pad. “Can I get you anything to eat?”

Jon’s eyebrows pulled together. “I don’t want food, Grace. I only came here to talk to you.”

I nodded and placed the pad in my apron pocket. “And I heard you loud and clear. I’ll handle it.” Jon still looked unsure. I placed both hands on the table and leaned close to Jon. “I love Dean.” He closed his eyes, but I kept going. “But my son comes first. Always and every time. There’s no way I’d ever be with someone who wished I didn’t have Finn in my life or who has more important priorities.” Jon’s delivery was rough, but he was right. If Dean didn’t want my son in my life, it was my job to end our relationship. I was Finn’s protector, and if I didn’t protect him, Dean would end up hurting him.

Just like I was hurting now.

Jon opened his eyes and nodded. I blinked back my tears and headed to Sylvie. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. Will you be okay?”

Sylvie nodded and patted my hand. “Of course. Go be with your boys.”

Boy. I only had one boy in my life. Just like it had always been.

***

I EASED OPEN the door to my apartment, unsure if I’d find Finn asleep. Instead, Dean and Finn were curled up on the couch both sucking on green Popsicles. Cartoons blared from the television, and they had a blanket spread around their legs.

I wanted to smile, but instead, tears filled my eyes. I wouldn’t see this again, and that already caused an ache to fill my heart. More powerful than the ache, though, was the anger.

“Hiya, Mommy! We’re watching a movie on Clark Kent.” Finn beamed. “And I feel better. No more throw up.”

“That’s great, buddy.” I walked over and kissed his forehead.

Dean pulled the Popsicle from his lips with a long slurp. “I learned the television’s name today. Clark Kent.” He grinned proudly. “Fever’s gone too, Mama.”

I avoided Dean’s eyes. “Good. Thank you.” I stood up and walked to the front door. “You should go. I know you said you had a meeting at four, but Sylvie let me go early.”

Dean walked into the kitchen and tossed his Popsicle in the trash. He walked over and cupped my face. “You sure? She was okay without you?”

I pulled out of his grasp. “Of course.” My stomach flipped, and my head pounded.

“Grace? What’s wrong?” Dean reached for me, and I stepped backward. His face fell, and my heart plummeted to the floor.

I crossed my arms over my chest. I summoned all the anger I had inside and pushed away the sorrow. “I saw Jon at the diner. He told me you missed your team meeting and practice.”

Dean inhaled sharply and rubbed the back of his neck. “He should have kept his damn mouth shut.”

My arms flung open and out to my sides. “Why did you do that? You could be benched tomorrow. You could hurt your chances in the draft. Why did you do something so stupid?”

“Stupid?” Dean bit out the word. His eyes flashed, and he stepped closer to me. “You think watching your son while he’s sick is stupid?”

“No.” I lowered my voice to a whisper. “I’m the one that’s stupid. I should have contacted my professor and told her the situation. I should have never put you in that position.” I stepped closer to him. “And you shouldn’t have offered to help, Dean.” I rubbed my temples, the pounding in my head intensifying. “I’ve been thinking.” I looked up, and his face was void of any emotion. Only the clenching and unclenching of his jaw let me know that he was anticipating my words. “We’ve gotten too close, too fast.” I swallowed and then blew out a breath. “I think we need to end this now.”

Dean stared at me. “What? Why?”

“You’re leaving. I can’t put Finn through that. It would be too hard on him. It’s better to do this sooner rather than later.” I left it at that. If I told Dean I knew what he had said to Jon, if he realized I had found out what he really thought about Finn, he’d deny it. I didn’t want to tarnish this further with lies. I’d rather end things peacefully than repeat Jon’s words. They hurt too much.