Until Harry (7 page)

I hope things never change,
my mind whispered as I ventured out with my uncle to make more memories.

CHAPTER SEVEN
 

Day one in York

K
ale’s baby died.

“No,” I whispered, and stumbled back.

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way, sweetheart,” my father said, looking at baby Kaden’s grave once more. I lifted m
y ha
nds to my face and covered my mouth as I shook my head in dismay.

This couldn’t be real.

“Dad,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

I moved my hands from my ears to my neck as I had difficulty swallowing the bile that threatened to rise up my throat. I dropped one hand to my abdomen as my stomach churned, and squeezed my eyes shut, trying my hardest not to cry.

“I’m sorry, Lane.”

I opened my eyes and looked up into my father’s.

“Kale . . . his baby
die
d
?”

My father’s expression was broken as he nodded. I wrapped my arms around myself and slowly rocked from side to side as heartache swirled within me. I couldn’t imagine what that must feel like for Kale, and for Drew. My father’s arm closed around my body as he drew me against him, hugging me tightly.

I didn’t know how long we stayed that way, but when we broke apart, I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms again.

“I ca-can’t believe this,” I whispered, shaking my head in utter shock and dismay.

My father scrubbed his face with one hand. “I know, sweetheart; it’s still hard for everyone to come to terms with.”

I blinked dumbly. “How can you come to terms with something like that?”

My father winced. “I worded that badly. I should have said it’s still hard for everyone to
live
with.”

I didn’t think I would be able to live with something like that; I wouldn’t be strong enough to survive the loss of a child. I could barely survive the loss of Kale and my uncle, let alone something as soul-crippling as losing a youngster.

“I was so focused on
not
focusing on him that I didn’t even notice how truly different he is now,” I said, looking off into the distance of the graveyard as I recalled Kale when I was briefly in h
is pre
sence. “His eyes, they’re colder, darker . . . emptier. Now
I kn
ow why.”

Kale wasn’t Kale anymore, just like I was no longer the Lane h
e k
new. We were both different people now, and that saddene
d me.

“He hardly ever smiles or laughs now unless you’re mentioned,” my father commented.

I looked up at my father with surprise. “Me?”

“Yeah,” he said, his lip slightly twitching. “You.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I stayed quiet.

“Your Uncle Harry always kept us informed on what you were up to, and when he told us about some of your conversations, it made Kale smile and laugh,” my father chuckled, thinking of those times. “The first few months after Kaden died, Kale’s mum used to beg me to have Harry over at the house when Kale was there, just so he could talk about you and smile.”

Butterflies filled my stomach before they were replaced with dread.

“That was a long time ago,” I whispered. “He must hate me now.”

“Why would Kale hate you, darling?”

I swallowed. “Because I wasn’t here for him when he needed me the most. I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me.”

My father clucked his tongue. “Lane, you couldn’t have predicted what happened any better than the rest of us could.”

That didn’t excuse my absence.

“I should have been here for him,” I said, frowning. “If I wasn’t so stubborn and hadn’t told Uncle Harry not to tell me about what any of you were up to, maybe he could have—”

“Kale didn’t want you to know.” My father cut me off mid-sentence.

“Wh-What?” I stuttered.

“When Kaden died, one of the first things Kale did was make Harry swear he wouldn’t tell you. He knew things were still very hard for you and didn’t want to add to it.”

I felt like my throat was going to close up.

“He felt like telling me his son died would add to what I was going through?” I asked, balling my hands into fists. “I would have gotten the first flight home to be here for him in any way he needed, even if it was just to attend the funeral or be in the church. I would have done anything.”

“He knew that, Lane, but deep down, I think he couldn’t
handle
it if you were there. Everything was falling apart arou
nd him.”

My heart hurt.

“But maybe I could have helped him,” I whispered.

My father’s hands gripped my forearms. “You listen to me,” he said firmly. “We were there for Kale constantly, but his mind was absent. It’s taken him this long to be able to live with Kaden being gone. You couldn’t have helped him; he was so far gone during the time of Kaden’s passing, no one could get through to him.”

I could have reached him; I knew in my heart I could have.

I blinked numbly. “Couldn’t Drew help him?”

My father shook his head.

“A few months before Kaden passed away, they split up and called off their engagement. The strain of Kaden’s illness put a wedge between them that they couldn’t overcome. They lived together for a few months after Kaden died, to help one another cope, but Kale eventually moved out, and Drew remained in their house. She didn’t want to leave because she felt like Kaden was still there with her in spirit. She is with somebody new now, and she seems happy, but Kale never dated anyone else. Losing Kaden almost killed him, and every day is a desperate struggle for him.”

I used to dream of a time where Drew and Kale would break up for good, and she would be out of his life, but now that it had happened, I found myself wishing for nothing more than for them to be together again. Maybe she could help him, and he wouldn’t be so sad and alone.

“I wish I could have done something,” I whispered.

My father kissed my head. “Don’t we all, honey?”

I leaned my head back and stared up at the starlit sky, watching my breath turn to fog when I exhaled. It was cold as ice outside, but for the life of me I couldn’t feel it. My body was just as numb as my heart.

“You can do something now.”

I looked at my father when he spoke and said, “It’s been years; what can I possibly do for him?”

“Just being there for him will help him. You have no idea how much he worships you, Lane.”

I licked my dry lips. “He idolises a girl from his past, Dad, but I’m not the same Lane he, or any of you, knew. She’s gone,” I whispered, my voice tight with emotion. “I’ve changed so much that I don’t even recognise myself anymore.”

My father hooked his arm around my shoulder and tugged me against him. “You need to be here just as much as we need to have you here, Lane. You can find yourself again and possibly help K
ale
find peace in the process.”

I exhaled a deep breath and looked up at my father’s lined face. “That’s a lot to achieve in a short amount of time.”

He winked. “Your Uncle Harry believed that you would achieve great things. I trust in his judgement, and I trust in you. You can do anything you set your mind to, my love.”

A lump formed in my throat.

“You’re making wanting to run away again very difficult t
o do.”

“Good,” my father swiftly replied. “The time for running away is over. It’s time now to face things head on.”

Damn him.

I sighed. “I feel like you would be good in any pep talk-related situation.”

My father grinned. “It may be my calling, but I’m retired now. I’ll have a crack at it in my next lifetime.”

I laughed and threw my arms back around my father, hugging him tightly.

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” he replied, and kissed the crown of my head.

We were quiet for a few moments, and then we separated.

“Do you want to visit Lavender while we’re here?” my father quietly asked me.

You’ll never be without me, Lane Edwards; we’ll be best friends forever.
I shook my head and shook her voice away.

“I’m going to spend time with her on Monday when not many people will be here.”

My father nodded and extended his hand to me. “Let’s go home, darling.”

With a lump in my throat, I placed my hand in my father’s and held on for dear life, knowing that eventually I would have to let go, no matter how much I didn’t want to. Together, we walked hand in hand back to my parents’ house. When we entered through the front door, we were met with silence.

“Stay here tonight.”

I hesitated in replying to my father, so he quickly said, “Just for tonight. Spend our last night with Harry here with us.”

When he put it like that, there was no question about where
I w
ould be sleeping.

“Is there a bed in my room still?” I questioned.

My father lifted a brow. “Your room is still the same way it was when you left.”

I blinked. “It is?”

My father tilted his head to the side as he scanned me with his eyes. “Why wouldn’t it be?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I thought you might convert it into something else.”

He snorted. “Like what?”

I glanced to his gut. “Not a gym, obviously.”

He reached out and clipped me around the ear, making me laugh. “Cheeky mare,” he chuckled.

I smiled and replied lightly, “I’m only teasing, but I did think you would change it to storage or something like that.”

My father shook his head. “We would never do that. Your brothers’ room is still the same as it has always been. They both often drop in and sleep here. We left yours the same way for the same reason.”

They hoped I would drop in and sleep here. I wondered how long my mother and father had prayed for that. Before I started crying once again, I leaned into my father and gave him one last hug before I went into the parlour, where I found my mother and nanny both asleep on the sofa across from Harry. I stared at the two most important women in my life, and I made a silent vow to always be there for them, no matter the cost.

They had lost a son and a brother; I wouldn’t add a daughter and granddaughter to that list.

I took the blanket from the back of the sofa and placed it over the pair of them, kissing their foreheads while doing so. “I love you both so much,” I whispered.

I stood up and turned to my Uncle Harry, and without
hesitation
tears filled and spilled from my eyes. “Tomorrow is going to be the worst day of my life,” I murmured to him. “
I th
ought the worst day happened years ago, but you leaving us trumps that.”

Like before, I was expecting a reply, and when it didn’t come, my heart ached.

“Goodnight, Uncle Harry,” I sniffled. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I ignored the voice in my head that cruelly whispered,
For the last time
.

I kissed my uncle’s head and then quietly slipped out of the room and went upstairs to my old bedroom. I placed my hands on the newly sanded and varnished banister, feeling its smoothness as my hand glided over the polished wood. I shook my head when I stepped onto the landing and the floorboard just before the bathroom creaked loudly.

That bloody step is a curse,
I silently mused.
It ratted me out when I was younger and would sneak downstairs for late-night snacks.

I passed by the bathroom and my father’s office before I came to the familiar door of my old bedroom. I reached out and ran my fingers over the sign I’d proudly hung when I was thirteen.

“DO
NOT
ENTER LANE’S ROOM!

THE CHANCES OF YOUR DEATH ARE
INCREDIBLY
HIGH IF YOU IGNORE THIS SIGN.

KALE GETS A PASS, AND HIM
ALONE
!”

I’d been such a little hellcat.

I chuckled and reached for the handle of my door, and
chuckled
even more when I heard it creak loudly as I pushed it open. I shook my head.
Out of everything that has been fixed in this house, t
hey couldn’t have fixe
d my bedroom door after all of these years?

I reached to the left wall, felt for the light switch and flipped it. I blinked rapidly against the harshness of the light, but my eyes quickly adjusted and began to scan around the room.

It was the same, and only a little different.

There were bed sheets on my bed that I’d never seen before and curtains that were definitely new to the room. Apart from that, things looked untouched. My mother must have put everything back where she’d found it after she did her rounds of cleaning, because it looked like I’d never left, with the exception of it being a lot cleaner than it ever was when I’d lived here.

I looked down to my attire and frowned. My suitcase was back at the hotel, housing my only pair of pyjamas and fresh change of underwear. I looked over to my dresser and curiously walked forward, opening the first drawer. I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t surprised when I found new packets of underwear lining the wood. I opened the other drawers and found new, plain T-shirts, jeans, leggings, jumpers – you name it; it was stocked in the drawers.

I didn’t think my mother would have had the time to do this kind of a shopping haul over the last few days, which could only mean she had been stocking up on new items of clothing for me over the years. She either hoped I would come home, or she knew I would.

It was clear that though the clothes had never been worn, they had been washed a few times and even ironed, which made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit. Washing them, cleaning and preserving my room was her own way of dealing with me being gone.

I opened a packet of underwear and picked out a pair of plain white booty shorts before opening the fourth drawer and taking out a set of adult-sized Pokémon pyjamas that made me laugh. I’ve always had an embarrassing obsession with Pokémon that only my mother got; her sense of humour on the subject didn’t seemed to have faltered.