Until Angels Close My Eyes (2 page)

“Look, why don’t I let you visit with your family, Neil,” Dr. Howser said. “I’ll see you tomorrow when I make my rounds.”

“As soon as I’m out of here, let’s hit a few golf balls.” Neil’s voice had a forced joviality to it.

“You got it,” Dr. Howser said before slipping out.

Leah’s mother settled on the bed and took Neil’s hand. “How are you feeling, dear?”

“Like a truck ran over me.”

Leah noticed big bruises on Neil’s arms.

Neil pushed his reading glasses down his nose and looked over them at Leah. “Hi, Leah. How are you?” His voice sounded kind, soft.

Leah felt glued to the floor.

“Come closer, honey.”

Stiffly she edged forward. “I’m sorry you’re sick,” she mumbled.

Neil studied her, then turned to his wife. “Roberta, why don’t you go get Leah and me some ice cream in the cafeteria? I couldn’t eat much supper, and ice cream would taste good to me now.”

The request almost made Leah start crying. She and Neil sometimes ate ice cream and watched TV together in the evenings at home.

Roberta glanced between Neil and Leah. “I guess I could.” She stood hesitantly, looking a little lost. Leah kept staring at Neil. Her tears had retreated. In their place was a building bubble of anger.

When Roberta finally left the room, Neil held out his hand. “Come closer, Leah.”

She shook her head furiously.

“Please.”

Tears formed again in Leah’s eyes. She threw her coat on the floor and hurled herself at his bedside. “Why!” she exploded. “Why didn’t you tell me you had cancer? Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

N
eil calmly patted the mattress. “Come sit down, Leah. I sent your mother out of the room so that we could talk.”

“I don’t want to sit down.” Leah was shaking. She hugged her arms to herself.

“I want to explain why I kept this from you, but I can’t talk to you when you’re hating me for it.”

“I don’t hate you. Please tell me.”

“In a nutshell, the timing never seemed right. And don’t be mad at your mother—I swore her to secrecy.”

It irritated Leah that Neil knew just what she was thinking. She
was
angry at
her mother. “I’m angry at you, too,” she said.

“I knew you would be.” He gave her an apologetic smile. “But please put yourself in my place for a minute. When you were first told about your cancer, you and I were virtual strangers. I’d just married your mother, you weren’t happy about being moved from Dallas to Indiana farm country, and I was adjusting to taking on a wife and an almost grown daughter.”

Neil’s assessment was correct. Leah had hated moving and starting over in another school—especially one out in the boondocks.

Neil continued. “My first wife and I never had children, but I’d always wanted them. Suddenly, in my twilight years, I had a young energetic wife and a lovely stepdaughter. I was a little overwhelmed. I didn’t want us to start out as enemies, Leah. I knew I wasn’t your biological father, and I knew I couldn’t replace him. I had to find my own place with you.”

Leah turned her head, not wanting Neil to see how quickly tears had sprung to her
eyes at the mention of her father. He’d died years before, homeless and on the streets. Her only link with him had been her Grandma Hall, but she had died too, and the biological link had been forever severed. Leah’s mother had married and divorced three more times before marrying Neil. “What do you want me to say?” Leah asked, looking right at Neil. “That I like you better than the others?”

He smiled wryly. “Just that you like me is good enough.”

“You know I like you. So if you know it, you should have said something about your cancer to me. You knew what I was going through.”

“It was a judgment call. At the time, the last thing I thought you needed to hear was a lame pep talk, like, ‘Oh, by the way, I’ve had cancer myself, so hang tough and make it through just like I did.’ I thought you needed to hear that I cared about you regardless of any health problems, and that your mother and I were going to be around for you no matter what. I see now that it was a poor call. I’m sorry.”

“Well, when I started chemo, you should have told me then. I was scared. You could have helped me.”

“I almost did,” Neil said with a sigh. “But I was afraid of discouraging you. You see, I was so sick during my chemo treatments six years ago that I wanted to die. When I saw you going through chemo, I figured, why tell you about my horrors when you were having hardly any problems with it. I didn’t want to jinx you.”

Except for some mild nausea, Leah had sailed through chemo treatments. “So that’s why you didn’t say anything? You didn’t want to give off negative vibes?” she said, rolling her eyes.

“You did have a pretty easy time with it, Leah. You never even lost your hair. I was bald as a cue ball for months.”

Leah tried to picture Neil without his head of steely white hair. “All right,” she said grudgingly. “What about after my chemo? You could have told me then.”

“Again, I could have, but I didn’t. I gave you the car to celebrate.” He smiled again. “I wanted you to be happy, and telling
you then seemed impossible. I wanted to have more in common with you than cancer.”

Leah felt exasperated by his explanations. His logic did sound … well, logical. However, she was still angry and didn’t want to let him off the hook for keeping such a secret from her. “You still should have said something to me.”

“I really figured I’d tell you this past summer. Out there on that windjammer, under those stars, a person feels very close to God. And to one’s family.”

“I wanted to live in Nappanee and work,” Leah said defensively. She didn’t add that she’d wanted to be with Ethan as much as possible, and that her summer with him had been wonderful.

“And I agreed that you should,” Neil said. “Didn’t I argue in your favor?”

It was true. It had been Neil who’d gone to bat for Leah with her mother. It had been Neil who’d found her a job and a place to live. “I came home in August,” she said, getting in one more dig.

“And you were heartbroken over the
death of little Rebekah. How could I have added to your pain?” Neil asked. “I couldn’t.”

“But now you’re sick and I
have
to know. Otherwise, you’d probably never have told me, would you?”

“Probably not,” Neil said. “By now, it would have been historical information and totally unnecessary to your well-being. For one so young, Leah, you’ve had a lot dumped on you in your life. I didn’t want to be one more bad thing.”

“Will you be honest with me from now on?” Leah asked. “Will you tell me exactly what’s going on? Exactly what your doctor says?”

“Yes,” Neil said. “No need to shelter you anymore. From now on out, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

Leah managed a smile for him.
The truth.
She hoped they
all
could handle it.

Later that night, Leah composed a letter to Ethan. After telling him about Neil’s previous cancer diagnosis, she poured out her feelings:

Leah stopped writing and leaned back in her desk chair. The house was eerily quiet. Outside her window, the night looked black and deep. Her windowpane felt cool. Leah shivered. She reread what she’d written and shivered again. Her X rays looked clear and she didn’t have to go back in for a checkup until spring. Yet a hard, cold knot had settled in her stomach. She couldn’t seem to get rid of it. Yes, it was true that things looked good for her medically. But then Neil had thought the same thing. He’d thought he was perfectly fine. And now he was sick again.

Leah didn’t want anything to happen to Neil. He’d been good to her mother, good to Leah. He was different from the other
stepfathers she’d had. He was kind, generous. Neil
had
to get well. She and her mother needed him.

Leah buried her face in her hands and wept.

“H
ey, Leah! Wait up!”

Leah turned to see Sherry Prater, a girl from her English class, coming toward her down the hall. While they weren’t exactly best buddies, Sherry was friendly and energetic, and Leah liked her. Sherry was overweight, and therefore not on the social A-list. This suited Leah just fine. Leah had been with the in crowd at her former high school and thought the distinction highly overrated. “What’s up?” she asked the out-of-breath Sherry.

“I was wondering if you were going to the football game Friday night. I thought we might hook up and sit together.”

“I forgot about the game.”

Sherry stared at Leah as if she were speaking a foreign language. “This game’s against Henderson. They’re our biggest rival! Everybody’s going.”

“My stepfather’s not well,” Leah said. “He’s in the hospital.” In fact, Neil had been in the hospital for the better part of the week.