Unstoppable (Fierce) (24 page)

I gasped as his fingers found their target. He could have taken me right then and there and I’d have let him.

Fortunately he gathered his senses enough to realize that anyone could have walked in and found us, including Shelby. He stumbled backward. “God, you make me crazy, Jordi,” he mumbled as he perched on the edge of one of the spare chairs. “I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of the games. I’m sick of the lies. We should be together all the way or we shouldn’t be together at all.”

My stomach fell. “What are you saying?”

His eyes were rimmed red when they met mine. “I die inside every time that asshole touches you, and there’s nothing I can do about it. You’ve made it clear that you’re going to go on with this sham of a marriage, no matter who it hurts in the process. You lie to everyone, Jordi, including the people you’re supposed to love the most. And I just can’t take it anymore. This is not the way I want to live my life.”

“I thought I was worth it,” I mumbled.

“You have no idea what you’re worth,” he said softly. “That’s the problem.”

“Does Shelby know what she’s worth?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Seriously?” he asked. “I get to watch your husband stick his tongue down your throat but you’re going to get jealous over a friendship you encouraged?”

“I just wanted to know if it’s still a friendship for you. According to Shelby, it’s something more.”

“It’s not a marriage,” he countered.

We stared each other down for a long moment before I finally reached for the ring on my left hand. I pulled it free from my finger before holding it out to him. “Maybe you should keep this, then. Just in case.”

It was a brave front. I wanted him to argue with me. I wanted him to say a million things that all added up to one truth: that he loved me and wanted me more than any other woman on earth. But something broke deep in his soul
the longer he stared at me. I wasn’t just offering his ring back to him. I was giving him back his heart. Wordlessly he took the ring from my hand. “If that is what you want,” he said, his voice hoarse from emotion.

I want you!
I screamed in my head, but the words were locked in my throat. So I said nothing at all, and after a moment he stalked past me and slammed the door behind him.

Even though we still had the encore performance to go, I left the venue and headed back to the hotel, Eddie faithfully in tow. Miraculously he said nothing the entire way there and even as I was calling room service
, ordering just about every plate on the menu, to fill all the holes I tore into my soul by what I had done.

I set the man I loved free, but it was a foolhardy bluff at best. What I had really wanted was for him to fight for me, but he was beyond that now. Like he said, he was tired of all the games and the lies.

Now he was free to pursue Shelby, who came with a lot less baggage.

And I had no doubt he would. He was just a man, after all.

Thoughts of them together ripped my heart in half as I tossed and turned through the early morning hours. I could clearly picture his hands on her tiny body every single time my eyes closed. Was he thinking how much better he had it now that he had someone “normal,” someone the entire world supported as his other half? All the complications that I came with, from my size to my family and my marriage of inconvenience, were all heavy burdens to bear.

Anyone would falter under the strain… I really couldn’t even blame him for needing or wanting the break.

It was all my fault for thinking that I could ever truly be loved. My love came with a price, I knew that. I tried to warn him but, true hero that he was he thought he could save me. Little did he know I was so far beyond saving; I always had been.

I was meant to be unloved
. That was what I deserved.

I sobbed as quietly as I could into the pillow, but eventually Eddie came to see what was wrong. He said nothing as he slid into bed next to me. He took me into his arms, and I was hurting too bad to stop him.
This was what I deserved
, I kept telling myself.

So I didn’t stop him from holding me through the night. By the time dawn broke, I hadn’t stopped him from touching me or kissing me…
or finally sliding in between my thighs and making our damnable marriage from hell real.

I
realized in that moment that fate had given me all that I ever wanted. Here I was, a world famous rock star married to my childhood crush. It was just my tough luck that it wasn’t anything like I had hoped it would be, kind of like a big fuck you from the cosmos. My dreams coming true had been a punishment… not a reward.

So why hold out for anything better?
What was the point? Some folks were meant to be happy, and some folks were meant to step out of the way to let that happen. Clearly that was my destiny, to save and protect Shelby and Jace by doing the one thing I had been too selfish to consider.

I
would give up my lofty dreams and accept, at last, what life had given me. This was what I had wanted. And deep down I knew it was what I deserved.

CHAPTER NINE

New York City, NY

March 7, 2012

Eddie must have felt particularly triumphant after our reunion, because he headed back home to California during our next stop on the tour. He probably felt as though my allowing him back in the marriage bed was the final nail in the coffin for my doomed relationship with Jace.

He was right.

I had given Jace back his ring and slept with another man. There was no going back from that.

Jace hadn’t spoken to me, either by text or by phone, since he left my dressing room that previous Saturday.
Interestingly, neither had Shelby.

I knew they were busy preparing for their New York appearances for T&L. This included early morning TV on a nationwide program, as well as special event showcasing the new “rock star” line T&L had created specifically for them. They would both model the clothes, which was fitting, given they both were gorgeous enough to be models.

They made the perfect couple
, I thought to myself.

I planned to extend my pity party of one throughout that week in New York, but Vanni had other ideas. Because we both were traveling without our spouses, he came up with a brilliant plan to show me his former stomping grounds. I agreed mostly because it would keep me suitably distracted from thinking about Shelby and Jace.

Or so I thought.

When Vanni and I settled into the private booth at his favorite Brooklyn pizza joint, he finally pinned me down with questions I didn’t want to answer.

“So what’s really going on with you and Eddie?” he wanted to know.

I shrugged. “He’s my husband.”

“You don’t love him,” Vanni declared. “Which is good because you shouldn’t. He’s a douche bag. And I know douche bags.”

I had to laugh, but those dark eyes swallowed me whole, daring me to deny what he was saying. Finally I managed, “It doesn’t matter.”

“I think it matters quite a lot, actually,” he corrected. “I know what it’s like to be stuck in a relationship that is mostly for show. No matter how many excuses you make, it’s still wrong and you know it. You’ll never be happy till you break yourself free… especially if your heart is calling you elsewhere.”

My panicked eyes met his. Was it that obvious? “My heart’s an idiot,” I confessed sadly. “It only wants what it can’t get.”

“Spoken like someone who doesn’t sing ‘Make It Happen’ week after week,” he teased with a friendly smirk. “You know better than that, Jordi. You can do anything.” I scoffed and he continued. “The minute you turned 18, you ran away from home to pursue your dream, and within a year you actually made it come true. Now you’re on a nationwide tour with someone you claim is your idol and you’re not even 20. Even I couldn’t say that. You essentially won the lottery in ways so many people singing their hearts out in dive bars all over the country haven’t. You’re slaying dragons, girl. What could possibly be bigger than that?”

I searched his handsome face. There was no way he’d ever understand.
People fell at his feet, begging for a chance to love him. He would never know what it was like to stand at the end of the line, praying there were enough scraps left over. “I’ve been lucky,” I agreed.

“Luck had nothing to do with it,” he corrected. “You worked your ass off. You still do. But something’s missing. A fire has gone out in you. It’s like it’s all an act now.”

“Maybe it always was,” I challenged.

He shook his head. “Is this about the press? I know it’s hard to hear all those things about yourself but you really can’t let it get under your skin. What the critics say
is none of your business.”

I shrugged. “It’s that. It’s Eddie. It’s my back. It’s everything. You ever feel that your dreams only come true to punish you?”

He chuckled. “Are you kidding? Look at the shit I’ve been through the last few years. I nearly lost my freedom… Andy… the baby.”

I was immediately chagrined. Here I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t have everything I wanted, but no one I loved had a gun pointed in their face.

“But that’s not life punishing you, Jordi. That’s just life. It sucks sometimes. Things go wrong. That doesn’t mean you deserve it, it just means you’re alive.” I said nothing so he dug a little deeper. “That’s what the good times are there to show you. And the good people. You have to cling to them, baby. With a death grip. It’s the only thing that makes life worth it in the end.”

I nodded in agreement so he let the subject drop. He had a jam-packed day planned, including a meeting with Iris Kimble, a publicist from the east coast offices of
Schuster and Beckweth, Dreaming in Blue’s PR firm. The bubbly blonde greeted me with a big hug and a Southern accent deeper than my two other Tennessee natives, Shelby or Andy.

“I’m so happy to finally meet you,” Iris gushed. “I normally don’t watch reality TV, but I made the exception for Vanni. I’m so glad I did, you were worth every aggravating week!”

She presented me a plan to boost my image in the media, including a modeling gig for a trendy plus-sized store called Tempestuous, which targeted teens and young adults – as hip as those who would want to shop at T&L, but whose measurements went beyond that XL barrier Phillip Larabee had established for his clientele. Tempestuous decided anyone could be kick-ass or rocker cool, and treated every girl who darkened their doors like a prized diva. Andy had suggested them before, thinking we’d be the perfect fit, and Iris made it happen, almost within a day.

That was how the force of nature known as Iris Kimble worked. I’d never seen anyone so adept at turning a plan into reality. Almost everything about her was fast, except for her drawl. I quickly learned with her
in my corner, there would be no downtime in which to wallow. She dragged me all over Manhattan with a brand new makeover and an entire new wardrobe, provided mostly by Tempestuous. By Friday I had been featured on two different radio programs as a solo performer for the tour, and had my first photo session.

At night, Vanni took me under his wing. I enjoyed dinner with him and his father that Wednesday, and he cooked a meal for me at his Brooklyn brownstone on Thursday.

We ended up playing cards into the wee hours, and I stayed in his bed while he bunked on the sofa.

By the time the lights went up on the stage that Friday, it was like I had a new big brother. Of course, that wasn’t the way that PING shaded it in the press, but they were never big fans of Vanni anyway. From L.A. to New York, they were merciless in finding any nugget of gossip that would take him down.

IS GIOVANNI CARNEVALE TIRED OF PLAYING HOUSE?

HAS FIERCE JUDGE FALLEN FOR HIS OWN PROTÉGÉ?

Despite my better judgment, I read some of the initial reports, which suggested that Vanni had a preference from me from the beginning, and basically was grooming me like my own personal Svengali. These same reports suggested that I wasn’t as wildly popular as the show reported, but that Vanni had kept me in the competition for his own purposes.

A young, impressionable girl with self-esteem issues and an aging
, womanizing rock star who had quit girls cold turkey? It was gossip column gold.

I could barely face anyone when I got to the arena that Friday. I was glad I had switched sets again with Shelby, feigning ongoing trouble with my back, so that I could bail almost immediately after my performance.

I didn’t even bother with the encore.

When someone knocked at my hotel door at midnight, I
thought it might have been Jace. Our paths had not crossed, mostly because I had purposefully done everything in my power to avoid him. I couldn’t see that wounded look in his eyes again, it would kill me. Especially since I had done the unforgiveable by sleeping with Eddie.

If our eyes met he’d know. And then it would truly be over.

But it wasn’t Jace. Vanni stood tall and imposing in the door frame. “If you’re going to keep skipping the encore, you’re going to need a doctor’s note,” he teased as he leaned up against the door frame.