Unspoken - Kiss of the Wolf Spider, Part I (14 page)

“The heart is deceitful above all things

and beyond cure.

Who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

Wednesday 13 Sept 1989

I feel so bad. They told
me my father was arrested after the weekend for what he’s been doing to me.
Miriam said Dad and Joanne were arguing with the police at the door and Joanne
was yelling and swearing at the cops. Apparently when they said they were arresting
him for the “molestation of his eldest daughter”, Joanne laughed and said I was
such a liar that I should be the one arrested. Joanne told them all about the
rape story and said that I am a sex-obsessed drama-queen. She said their doctor
could vouch for her.

No-one told me Dad would
get taken by the police. Part of me is so glad. He deserves to go to jail. But
part of me is really angry. And part of me feels so guilty! Anyway now they say
he’s out again on bail, whatever that means.

The following day, after
school I was upstairs in my room when a prefect came to the door. “Matron says
come downstairs  looking nice, Jane. You have a visitor.”

I panicked. What if it was
my dad?

I changed from my uniform
as slowly as I could and eventually the prefect came up again yelling, “Hurry
up Jane. There’s an old lady downstairs to see you. She doesn’t have all day!”

Could it be my grandma?
Dad never let me see my grandparents. Who could have got hold of them?

Utterly confused, I was
ushered into the visitors’ lounge.  Miriam was sitting in the comfortable
armchair and an old lady with snow white hair  was sitting on the couch with
her back to me. When the old lady turned round I was stunned.  She wasn’t actually
old, but the hair was not the natural looking blonde that I remembered. She’d
bleached her hair white!

“
Mom?
”I
gasped.

I hadn’t seen
my mother for nearly four years. Last time I’d seen her I was only eleven!

My mother reached out
uneasily towards me and haltingly, I moved into her arms and burst into tears.
Emotions from the past bubbled over. Mom had come to save me at last!

This stranger with the
white hair, my mother, hugged me and cried too, saying over and over, “I’m so
sorry my Girlie.”

I’d forgotten that Mom
always called me ‘Girlie.’

In some ways it had been
much easier to talk to Matron Ruth and the social worker about the things that
had happened with Dad. Mom was a stranger … yet not – and now we had to talk
about the things that I’d been through. Of course I
harboured
an enormous amount of resentment
towards her for abandoning me, but most of it came out later. At this
particular reunion, most of the emotions we actually displayed were awkward and
inept.

She said she was sorry I
ended up living with Dad but there was nothing she could do about it. She told
me she always knew that Dad had been a lousy husband but according to the
lawyers, she was an incompetent mother and he was the ideal parent who could
provide better than her for us kids. He had a better house, better car, better
job, a new wife, more money and more social standing in the community.

“Oh yes, he always said he
could do the job better than I could and he proved it in court, when he filed
for custody,” she said bitterly.

 “When we were living
without clean water and food, you two were only small. I was out of work and
was living off family and relations. I wrote and asked your Dad for money to
help out, but he laughed at me and refused. He said it was my problem since I’d
walked out on him. But Jane, you saw what he did to me – to us. We had to
leave!”

Friday 15
September 1989

 
… Mom explained that all
those years ago, when Dad had gone to court  and accused her of being a useless
mother, he’d stolen us from her. Well, that’s how she saw it. She said she’d
been so hurt because I’d helped by signing the letter agreeing with all the bad
things they said about her and I had asked to live with Dad. She felt worthless
to us and that’s why she never came back to visit. I told her I was only ten or
eleven when they made me sign that letter and no-one actually read it to me. I
didn’t know what it said! I apologised to her but Miriam told me afterwards
that children are never responsible for their parents’ marriage problems or
divorces and Mom still needs to realise that.

 I found out that since
her re-marriage, my mother’s become a paramedic and she’s now very proud of her
job. She told me she feels that helping save lives h
as
given her some dignity, after being a battered wife and a useless mother for
all those years.

….she said
Adrian is a good father to their two children and at least he’s gentle and
kind. She said she’s sorry she didn’t protect me from Dad.

It was very
painful to see my Mom. I was so hurt for all the times she hasn’t written to me
and for all the times she hasn’t let me visit. But she said I can come and
visit her now. It was so strange and awkward. This is not how I imagined our
reunion! This is not how it should be with your own mother! But I think I would
like to visit her.

 She said
she’ll be there for me when we go to court.

Matron told me
that it was Miriam who tracked down my mom and filled her in on what’s been
happening to me. Miriam got her to come see me right away.

I‘ve always
dreamt of Mom coming back to save me. Maybe this is an answer to prayer at
last!  Perhaps I will go and live with her now.

Monday 2
October 1989

We are having
the short school holidays. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to go home to Dad, so I
went to visit my mom for a few days. It was awkward but also kind of nice to be
there, but she’s like a stranger now. Anthony’s also staying with Mom. We had
some fun times but I think he’s very hurt about everything. We didn’t talk a
lot about it though … kind of pretended it hadn’t happened. I don’t know why.

Now I’m
staying with Megan and her Mom who I call Aunty Leah.  Her home will be my
‘place of safety’. Aunty Leah is a social worker like Miriam and she
understands me very well. She often hugs me and talks to me and lets me help
her in the kitchen. Megan has been my good friend at school, but now she’s
rather jealous. I guess that’s because she and her Mom live together and she’s
so used to having her Mom to herself in the holidays. I suppose I’ve kind of
stolen her affection. But she gives me the love and hugs I need so badly. When
school starts we’ll go back to hostel and Megan will get her mom to herself
again at the weekends.

The preliminary court
hearing took place a few days into the October holidays. Megan’s mother helped
me to find some suitable clothes for court and took me for a super-sized waffle
and ice-cream before the hearing as we had some time to kill. We didn’t talk
about the coming hearing while eating our waffles as Miriam had already prepared
me for what to expect.  At the court-house, I was left with Miriam and my
mother. They introduced me to a tall man in a suit. Miriam explained that Mr
Rogers was the state-appointed attorney. They reminded me to tell the truth, no
matter what. She said Mr Rogers was there to stand up for me but I wondered how
he could help when he didn’t even know me.

The court building was
huge and imposing.  As we entered, the waffle began to argue with my insides. I
had to try really hard not to be sick.

Tuesday 10
October 1989

Today was
another worst day of my life. It was my first day in the courts. I sat there
between Miriam and my Mom.
We followed a passage into a large room
with dark furniture and I heard someone say, “All rise!” A group of people
walked in. There was a man in a black cloak who must have been the magistrate and
some woman who did a lot of writing. They called her a court stenographer.   I
sat between Miriam and my mother. Mr  Rogers sat on Miriam’s left.

When I raised my head I
looked straight into Joanne’s icy eyes. She sat there, stony faced, glaring at
everyone. Next to Joanne was a man who turned out to be my dad’s lawyer, and
there was Dad. He looked smaller than before. Maybe it was because he kept his
head down so much – or maybe because his lawyer was so tall.  I glanced at him
and caught his eye. I quickly looked down again but from then on my hands began
to tremble and I began to cry.

At first there was a lot
of legal talk that I battled to follow.  Finally they asked me to tell them
what my father had been doing to me. I had to say it in front of all these
people and in front of him.  It was so unfair. I’d already told Matron and the
doctor and Miriam and they had met with the lawyer. So why did I have to say it
again? Why did he have to be there to witness me break my promise?  It was just
terrible! 
I became so afraid, that I wanted to throw
up. My nausea was made worse by this horrible musty smell – like bad things
happen there.

Every time I looked up
Joanne was throwing hate daggers and I could see she still thought I was
lying.  My dad sat there, head down and crying! He kept saying he loved me but
he never said he was sorry or he did wrong and
I wept
for being a traitor. I must be the most evil person in the world.

Tears. Humiliation.
Misery. Feeling
as though I had plunged down a well
and they were all looking into my soul, I wished I could die. If God is the
father of us all, I think he must have been sickened too. 

I have bathed
and dressed and I still feel dirty. Why do they do that to you? I can hardly
remember what I said but it was very long.
My head was ready to explode by the
time it finally ended.

Aunty Leah collected me
and at least she didn’t make me talk about it. At home she gave me hot Milo and
headache pills and we watched a comedy together. She explained that bail meant
my dad could stay at home while he waited for the next part of the court case.

Late one dark,
stormy  afternoon, two weeks after the first hearing, I
was called down from the
dormitory at school and was appalled to find Joanne waiting to see me. Totally
unnerved, I accompanied her into Matron’s office to talk. I was grateful for
the privacy but looking back, I think Matron Ruth did it so that she could keep
an eye and ear on things from the adjoining room.

Friday 27
October 1989

    ... Joanne must have
asked me a hundred questions about stuff I was sure she already knew. She acted
like she never suspected my dad of doing anything and she apologised and even
gave me a box of chocolates. She was actually quite sweet to me.

     Just before she left,
she gave me a letter
but as soon as Joanne was gone
Matron asked me for the letter. Matron said that she needed to check it first.
She
said they were not allowed to write to me because of the on-going court case
and Joanne would have known that. So she kept it for Miriam to read first, in
case it was intimidating or threatening.

Miriam had to drive
through terrible weather and arrived very late in the afternoon.  When she read
the letter we were all shocked. Can you believe this? My father has written to
say ‘goodbye’ because he says he’s leaving the country. His letter said they are
going to England for a ‘short stay’. And of course it’s full of how much he
‘loves me’ and that he ‘forgives me’ for telling lies about him.

Matron was so angry. She
shouted, “He’s trying to skip bail! Surely he’s not allowed to go anywhere!
He’s not going to miss that court
hearing if I have any say
in the matter! I’m calling the cops right now!”

As the afternoon melted
into night, the storm became so violent that as hard as they tried, they could
not get hold of the police. We heard later that many phone lines had been blown
down in the chaotic winds which seemed to mirror my inner turmoil that day.

Wednesday 1 November 1989

I found out from Miriam
that there was quite a lot of drama at the airport on Saturday. She described
to me in detail everything that she had been told – and some of it was caught
on security camera!  She did it in a way that made me laugh because she knew
that deep down it would hurt so much.

Apparently
Joanne was arguing with Dad at the check-in counter about his overweight luggage.
“Well I still don’t know why you have to bring that stupid gun with you. It’s
not like you’re going to need it in England!”

 “How many
times have I told you this is not just a gun?” he muttered irately. “It’s a
very old Winchester rifle. It’s a collector’s dream – and it’s worth a small
fortune. I’m
not
leaving it behind!”

“Totally
ridiculous! You can send for it with the other stuff later!”

“Joanne, this
is worth a lot of money which we could need! So I’m taking it!”

They continued
to argue at the check-in counter until they were asked about the long case Dad
was holding.

“It’s an 1876
Winchester rifle. A special collector’s piece.... Theodor Roosevelt had one of
these.... and look here ...  it can’t be fired....”

“I’m sorry,
Sir, but there are regulations governing the transportation of weapons, even
collectors’ ones. You will have to go and sort it all out over there.”  The
hostess called for Security and Dad was led away to obtain clearance for the
weapon.

It turned out
that the airport security needed to check on the gun licence before he could
take it out of the country. He didn’t have one and from there, they found out
about the pending court case. They alerted the police who arrived and arrested
him for trying to “jump bail and flee the country.”

So they were
going to England and leaving me behind. Nice family. Now he has to stay in jail
till the next time this goes to court. I wish I could have seen Joanne’s face.
I can just imagine her going ballistic. Well at least it wasn’t Matron and Miriam’s
fault that Dad got caught since they couldn’t get hold of the cops. But in
truth it all makes me pretty miserable.

 I wonder what
things are going to be like for him in jail?