Unspeakable Truths (29 page)

I swipe at my face, wiping away the tears that have fallen. “I can’t do it to him, I can’t. I have to let him go, and the thing is Ty, I have to let you go too. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for the mistakes you made, for the secrets that you kept, and for the lies you told. How can I not, when I loved you so much, when a part of me will always love you,” I sob.

“This is so hard. It feels like I’m losing you all over again, but I need to close this door. I need to let you go.”

Hesitantly, I push myself off the ground and stand up, running my hand on the tombstone like I’ve done so many times before. Maybe I’ll come back one day, maybe I won’t, but I know that if I do, it won’t be for a very long time. I can love Tyler from afar, loving the memory of him without holding on to the same level of devotion. It’s my time.

“Goodbye Tyler,” I call out as I walk away from my first love.

I told Luca I’d meet him at his apartment. I thought it would be easier for me to do this in his space, where it’s me who makes a quick departure when all is said and done, leaving him to his life. I can’t shake the sick feeling in my stomach as I jog up the stairs to his apartment. I find Luca in the kitchen cooking what’s most likely a meal that he intended to share with me.

“Hey babe,” he calls making my heart do a little flip. God I love him so much, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this without tears.

“Hey.”

“Where’s your stuff? I thought you were spending the night?”

“I can’t stay actually.”

“Why?” he asks, looking confused. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. I’m okay, I just wanted to talk to you about some things.”

He turns the flame on the stovetop off and walks over to me.

“What’s up?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days and I’ve…I think that this thing between us is just moving way too fast.”

“Okay. We’ve known each other for a long time, it’s not like we had to start from scratch. We’ve been together a few months now, but if you think it’s too fast for you then we can slow it down a bit, just tell me what you need.”

“That’s just it, I don’t know what I need or how I even feel about any of it anymore. I just need to make it stop.”

“What do you want to stop?” I can tell his patience is waning. “Is this because of the house? I told you I’d buy the house on my own. It’s not a big deal, you know that. You can move in if and when you’re ready, not a moment sooner. I’m not trying to pressure you.”

“I think the house is great Luca, I do. I think you’re right though, if you want it you should have it but don’t buy it for me, or because you think I’ll eventually move in. Buy it because you want to live there.”

“Alone… Is that what you’re trying to say? Are you trying to break up with me Everly?”

“Yes.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “You would not do that. You love me; you want this as much as I do. Did someone say something to you?”

“What? No… this has nothing to do with anyone but me. It’s too much too soon and it’s overwhelming. I can’t handle it all, and I need to be on my own. The timing is just off.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s true.”

“Bullshit,” he says again, grabbing hold of my arms. “You love me.”

“Luca.”

His grasp on me tightens as he shakes me. “Tell me you don’t.”

“Luca.”

“Tell me you don’t love me Everly.”

“I don’t love you.”

“You’re full of shit.” He releases his hold on me, taking a step back.

“I’m telling you the truth. I never meant to hurt you, you have to believe that. I went to the grave before I came here and it all became so clear to me but I don’t love you. I was in love with the idea of you, what you represent in my life, and I’ll always be grateful to you Luca, always, because without you I’d still be stuck in my sad little life. You brought me back to life, you did that, and that’s huge but I think I confused my gratitude for love.”

“You really believe that?”

“I love Tyler West. I will always love him, and I can move on now, get out of that house, find a place to live that I love, figure out what I want to do with my life and not be afraid of living it, but when I think of love, of who I love, and it’s still him. I’m not over it as much as I’d like to believe I am. Being with you made it easy for me to pretend that I’m okay, that my heart is healed when it’s not. It’s not, and I’m not sure if that part of me will every truly be healed.”

He stares me down and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re a piece of work you know that. You come here with all this talk of gratitude, and I know it’s bullshit. You’re still running scared and I love you Everly. I swear to God I do, I’d do anything for you, I’d do anything to keep you but this is just too fucking much for me. If this is what you want, then go… leave, I’m not going to try and stop you, but this bullshit card you’re playing is weak and at the very least I deserve the truth.”

“I gave it to you,” I say, steeling my spine.

“You’re a liar.”

“No that’s you, and Tyler, and Michael, you’re the liars. I’m just the girl who got caught up in all of the lies. I’m the one who got broken down by it all, so don’t you stand there like a hypocrite and call me a liar when you lied to me for years.”

“That was not my choice.”

“You had a choice! We always have choices.”

“What, like you’re making a fucking choice now? Taking the easy way out instead of staying with me and working out whatever it is that’s pushing you away, instead of fighting for something that you know could be great.”

“I’m doing what’s best for me right now. This decision is best for me, and I need you to understand and accept it.”

“I don’t. I won’t. If you go, go now because I’m done with this stupid conversation. If this is the game you want to play then you’ll be doing it without me.”

“Goodbye Luca.”

Squaring my shoulders, I turn on my heel and make a quick exit. I don’t crumble down to the ground outside his door, I don’t sit and cry in my car, I don’t drive home and sit in a lonely dark house by myself or wait for him to come after me. The damage is done and now I have to deal with it head-on like an adult. I can’t go through another four years like the last four. At least Luca is alive, he’s free to live his life, to meet another woman, have a family. I should be grateful for that, be grateful that he gets to live a life, have a great career, and I can be proud of myself for giving him that. For not making the easy choice, the selfish choice, to stay with him pretending like I don’t know what the consequences of that are for him. No… this is the best thing for him, and I have to honor him by living my life the best way I can.

I hit the Bluetooth button on my steering wheel and scroll through the numbers until I reach the one I’m looking for and hit go.

“Everly dear? Is that you?” His voice makes my skin crawl, I hate that I have to talk to him at all.

“Yes, it’s me,” I return, icily.

He hesitates but only for a moment. “Is everything alright?”

“No. It isn’t Michael, not when you insist on playing God with people’s lives.”

I hear his sharp intake of breath. “Everly I’m not sure what you’re referring to.”

“I overheard your conversation with Luca the other day, I know that you threatened him,” I say bluntly, there’s no use in beating around the bush with someone like Michael, he’d chew me up and spit me out.

“I think…”

“It’s done.”

“Pardon me?”

“I just ended it with him Michael, I told him it was over and that I didn’t love him, he won’t bother me again.”

“I see.”

“You have to leave him alone now,” I demand. “You have to keep your end of that bargain and stay away from him, let him live his life, let him have his career without any interference from you.”

“Of course.”

I grip the steering wheel as tight as I can and take a deep breath. Who would have thought that one person could cause so much havoc in my life? “There’s one more thing I need you to do for me.”

“What’s that?” I can hear the curiosity in his voice. I wanted to believe he would tell me to forget all about it; that once he heard how angry and upset I was he would back off and tell me to go back to Luca, but I know now that that’s not the case. He’s too self-centered of a man for that, to care about what anyone else wants or needs. None of it matters unless it suits his purposes.

“Stay away from me too.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that. I do care a great deal for you Everly even though you might not think that at the moment but it’s true, and then of course there’s Stella. She’d never understand why we were no longer in contact.”

I knew he’d throw his wife into the mix, use her to make me feel guilty to get what he wants. “I’ll continue to see Stella regularly. I would just prefer that you not be there. If I schedule dinner with her make sure you’re working late those nights, tell her something came up. I don’t care what you tell her, just don’t be there.”

“Perhaps if I give you a bit of time.”

“No,” I cut in, not wanting to go into negotiations with him. He can take them and shove them for all I care. “This is it, this is the only deal you’re getting from me. You got what you wanted, and now it’s only fair that I get something too.”

“Very well then Everly.” He sighs. Funny, for a moment there I almost think he cares about me, but then I remember all the hurt he’s inflicted on those he claims to care about, and I let that notion go.

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” is the last thing I say to him before I disconnect the call, funny… I feel like I’ve said nothing but goodbye today. As for Michael, I honestly hope I never have to see his face again.

Morgan can sense the agony on my face when she opens the front door. This is the only place I could think of to come after the day I’ve had. She’s the only one I can really be honest with about all of this.

“Everly? What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”

I smile at her shakily. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” she says, moving out of the way so that I can pass through the doorway. “Are you okay?”

I shake my head as I drop my purse and keys on her entryway table. “I broke up with Luca tonight.”

“Everly!” she calls out in disbelief. “Why would you do that? Did he do something to you? I swear to God I’ll kill him.”

“He didn’t do anything, he’s perfect.”

“Then why?”

I take a moment to gather my thoughts as I walk past her into the living room and lower myself onto her couch. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, trying to get my emotions under control before I break apart or worse. “I overheard Michael threatening him.”

“What!” she shrieks. Her eyes go wide, and her cheeks flame up with a scary amount of anger as she sits across from me.

“He threatened to use his clout to get Luca fired, to make sure he never practiced law again if he didn’t leave me,” I tell her, as I begin to pull at the hair band around my wrist, the sting it gives me when it snaps back is scarily comforting.

“What did Luca say?”

“He told him that he wasn’t leaving me. That he loved me and having love was more important to him than having a job.”