Unspeakable (21 page)

If you think it was a mistake, you’re wrong. If you think I was just caught up in the moment, I wasn’t. It was real for me. I’ve wanted it for a long time. Everything changed when I met you. I’ve started to speak again, and I know you’ve played a
big part in that. The truth is, when you kissed me, I think I was happier than I’ve ever been. I can’t stop thinking about it. Or you.

I miss you so much. Will you come round this week? I won’t push anything.

Please? Can we just try?

Megan xxx

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

The doorbell rings a couple of days after I deliver the letter. I’m still in bed, but I sit bolt upright, my heart hammering. Jasmine?

I hear the tap of Mum’s heels as she goes to answer it. I scramble out of bed and fly to the top of the stairs. The door’s opening. Mum’s saying hello. Who is it? I can’t see!

‘No, thank you, we don’t need any knives sharpening.’

Mum shuts the door firmly and stamps up the stairs. ‘Bloody cheek, calling at this time! I’m going to be late for work. Have you seen my phone? I had it last night when I … Megan? What’s wrong?’

I try to retreat to my room, but Mum grabs my arm and twists me round. I slump forward, nestling my neck in the crook of her shoulder. Mum’s perfume catches in my throat as I breathe between sobs.

‘Hey, what’s all this about?’ she asks. ‘It’s Jasmine, isn’t it?
Look, whatever went on between you two, you’ll sort it out. You’ll be fine. Honest.’

I unwrap my arms, wipe the tears away.

Mum strokes my cheek. ‘If you ever want to …’ I can almost hear her brain whirring as she searches for an alternative to ‘talk’, ‘… discuss anything, you know you can come to me, right?’

You wouldn’t dare.

I shudder, swallow heavily.

‘Megan? Did you hear what I said?’

I nod, give her a peck on the cheek. Then I lead her to the bathroom, where she left her phone last night.

Mum laughs. ‘What’s it doing there?’

I think she was bidding for something on eBay while she was shaving her legs.

Mum shakes her head. ‘What am I like?’ She ruffles my hair. ‘What would I do without you?’

I shrug, wave goodbye, then head off to get ready. I’m going out for emergency chocolate supplies, then I plan on spending the rest of the day on the sofa.

I take the long route to the shop. Well, it’s more of a detour, via Jasmine’s house. I slow my steps as I walk past, eyeing the windows hopefully, but there’s no sign of anyone. I imagine she’s inside, just feet away from me. I wonder what she’s doing now. I stay a few minutes, until I’m verging on stalker-territory, then I mooch off to the shop.

The moment I step through the door, I see Sadie, Lindsay
and Grace huddled around the magazines. Sadie is sniggering at some pictures of a drunken celebrity flashing her knickers. I start to back out. Too late. Sadie spots me and sidles over, Lindsay and Grace close behind.

‘Megan Thomas. Aren’t we just the talk of Brookby?’ Sadie says, swiping a newly cut fringe from her eyes. ‘Drama just seems to follow you, doesn’t it?’

‘You some kind of pyromaniac?’ Lindsay asks.

‘Megan didn’t start it,’ Grace says quietly. ‘She was just there.’

‘What do you know about it?’ Sadie snaps. She turns back to me. ‘So come on, Megan. Give us the gossip. Did someone start it deliberately?’

I shuffle backwards out of the door, colliding with someone behind me. I spin round, look up. Seriously? This just gets worse!

‘Sorry,’ Luke mutters, neatly sidestepping me.

My gaze sweeps down to the pavement. When I look up, he’s gone, and his dad and Simon are following him inside.

‘Hi, Megan!’ Simon says through a mouthful of crisps. I manage a wave. Luke’s dad says nothing. He’s a big guy. Not just tall, but brawny, with a square head and two mean, squinty eyes.

I lean against the shop window. How did that just happen? The two people I least want to see, and they’re both here! And the one person I do want to see has completely vanished. I need to leave. Sod the chocolate.

Sadie comes back out, tearing the wrapper off a packet of gum. ‘You still here? Waiting for your boyfriend?’ She braces her
hands against the window, one each side of my head. I can smell the sickly cherry scent of her lip gloss. ‘So what’s the deal with Jasmine and Owen? I heard they broke up.’

Before I can stop myself, I glance up.
Really?

‘Shame. I guess she couldn’t handle him. He’s a bit of a live wire.’

Lindsay smirks.

Luke and his family emerge and head for a carparked against the pavement. Simon and Luke’s dad get in, and Luke is about to when he glances up, sees us. He pauses, the door open. Then he walks over, shaking his head as if he knows it’s a bad idea.

‘Why don’t you leave Megan alone?’ he says to Sadie.

Lindsay eyes him coolly. ‘That’s none of your business.’

‘I’m just saying …’

Sadie whips round. ‘What’s your problem?’ she snarls. ‘I’m just talking to her.’

‘Only because she doesn’t talk back. Leave her alone.’

A glow of gratitude spreads through my stomach.
Thank you. You didn’t have to do that
.

Luke’s dad beeps the horn. Luke tenses, but doesn’t look away.

‘Why don’t you piss off, Luke? Why are you sticking up for her anyway? Oh, I know!’ Sadie draws a finger to her shiny lips, as if she’s just had a revelation. ‘It’s because you have a massive crush on her. God knows why.’

Luke’s face flares up. ‘Evil cow,’ he mutters.

The horn beeps again. ‘Luke!’ his dad bellows. Luke flinches.

I don’t want him to go. I want to sort stuff out, make things
better between us. It’s bad enough that I’ve screwed up everything with Jasmine. I don’t want to lose Luke as well.

But he can’t stay. His dad is about to pop a vein or something.

‘Run along now,’ Sadie says. ‘There’s a good boy.’

Luke reaches the car in two quick, angry strides, wrenches the door open, then slams it behind him. Inside, his dad starts to yell, and the wheels screech as he pulls off and flies down the road.

Sadie yawns and stretches. ‘Come on,’ she says to Lindsay and Grace. ‘It’s boring here.’

I watch them leave, then let out a shaky sigh. Why did Luke do that? Why not let Sadie rip shreds out of me? Maybe he’s not so angry any more. I should text him, say thanks.

I walk home with feet full of lead. There’s so much pinging around my brain, I can’t keep track of it all. A dull ache gathers around my temples, then spreads across the base of my skull, where it lingers for the rest of the day.

That night, Mum announces that she’s going to call Eleni.

I pause, my fork halfway between the plate and my mouth.
Why?

‘I’m fed up of you slouching around the house, feeling sorry for yourself. This has gone on long enough. Whatever it is, you and Jasmine need to sort it out.’

I grab an old newspaper and write:
I’ve tried. I wrote her a letter and went round to see her. She doesn’t want anything to do with me
.

‘Well, that’s not good enough! You can’t give up. I lost a lot of mates when …’

When you had me
, I think.
Go on, say it!

‘Well, I … I just wish I’d made more of an effort to keep them.’

I scrawl:
How is it that all
your
problems are
my
fault?

‘What are you on about? I didn’t say that. I just don’t want you to repeat my mistakes.’

What
, I think,
like getting pregnant? Because that’s the one mistake you’ll never stop regretting
.

I push back my chair, glad to see Mum wince as it scrapes across the tiles.

‘Megan!’ she shouts as I storm away. ‘She’s the best friend you’ve had since … Look, I’m just saying, there aren’t many people who would … this is all coming out wrong. Megan! Are you listening to me? She’s worth fighting for.’

I know that
.

But I don’t know how else to fight. It’s killing me that I can’t fix this. I’m sick of trying to guess what’s going through Jasmine’s mind; tired of worrying that I’ve lost her for ever.

That’s another friend you’ve driven away. You’re poison.

I write Mum a note to apologise, but ask her not to interfere. She grudgingly agrees not to call Eleni. I know she just wants to help. She wants me to be happy. I get that. But, right now, the only person who can make me happy doesn’t want anything to do with me.

Things are a bit off between Mum and me for a couple of days. I know I’ve been acting like the stroppy teenager from
hell. I decide to make her a cake. Baking’s not really my thing, so I choose the simplest recipe I can find: a sponge. When it’s all blended up, the mixture seems too runny. I check the cookbook and realise I’ve used one egg too many, so I add more sugar and flour.

It still seems too wet, so I shove it in the oven and increase the cooking time to dry it out. When Mum gets in, an hour later, I’m mixing up some icing to try to cover the burnt bits. She takes one look at me, with icing sugar peppered across my face and down my jeans; and the kitchen, which is a mess of broken eggshells and spilled flour, and bursts into laughter. It’s not long before I join in, and we eat spoons of icing straight from the bowl until we feel sick.

Mum and I are languishing on the sofa in sugar-induced comas when the doorbell rings.

‘You go, Megan. I can’t be arsed,’ Mum groans.

I shake my head. She knows I never answer the door to strangers.

‘Go on,’ she urges, nudging my leg with her toe.

I giggle and gently kick her away.

Mum huffs but gets up, grumbling as she shuffles to the door.

I mute the TV so I can listen. I hear the surprise in Mum’s voice. My heart stops. Then beats again, really fast.

Jasmine.

I leap up and rush into the corridor, practically barging Mum out of the way.

Jasmine looks pale and stricken. Despite everything, all I want to do is wrap my arms around her.

‘Can I come in?’ she asks.

I nod, heat creeping up my neck, over my face. As we walk up the stairs, I glance back at Mum, who’s watching us both with a soft smile.

In my room, Jasmine is stiff and formal. Worry draws her face into tight lines that weren’t there before.

There’s a weighty silence.

‘How are you? I mean, apart from everything …’ Jasmine’s words fall clumsily from her mouth.

Another silence.

‘Bet you never thought you’d see me lost for words!’

Jasmine smiles, but she’s on the brink of tears. Her mouth twists as she tries to hold them back.

After a few seconds, she gives in and starts to cry. I can’t do anything but watch helplessly. I want to touch her, but what if she shrugs me off?

I can’t bear it any more. I throw my arms around her. For a second, Jasmine tenses. I’m about to let her go, until she sinks into me, her body overrun with sobs.

I’m crying too. I don’t know why Jasmine’s here but, for the moment, I don’t care. As long as I can hold her.

‘I’m sorry,’ Jasmine gasps. ‘You must think I’m crazy, just turning up like this. I just … I’m still so confused, but I’ve been miserable without you.’

I pull her close. Jasmine’s scent makes me dizzy – that sweet, smoky incense. She strokes my hair, the back of my neck. Shivers shoot down my spine.

‘Megan,’ Jasmine mumbles. ‘I’ve really missed you.’

My voice rises, desperate to escape, to tell her how I feel. Four words slip through my teeth. ‘I missed you too,’ I say in a dry whisper. The words taste wonderful, like chocolate melting in my mouth.

Jasmine smiles and starts to cry again. ‘I love your voice,’ she murmurs. ‘I do have feelings for you, Megan, but I’m so messed up about the whole thing. The last person I ever want to hurt is you. And I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I don’t want to lose you.’

You won’t lose me. I won’t let that happen
.

I pull away and gently hold Jasmine’s face. Her lips are swollen, her nose red, but I still want her so badly. I move closer. Jasmine shuts her eyes. I feel the first, wonderful brush of her breath against my lips.

A floorboard creaks outside my room. Jasmine’s head snaps round and she breaks away from me with a gasp. I turn to see what she’s looking at.

This isn’t happening.

My bedroom door is wide open.

Please, tell me this isn’t happening.

Mum is standing in the corridor.

Did she see?

I look at her face.

She saw.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Mum drops the pile of washing she’s carrying. I feel like it’s happening in slow motion, like we’re all plunging down with it, spinning through the air, until it hits the floor.

I drag my gaze from Mum and look at Jasmine, who is blushing furiously, a sheen of tears across her eyes.

No one speaks. No one breathes. No one moves.

Until Mum hauls her gaping mouth shut. ‘Were you about to kiss her?’ she asks me.

I want to shake my head, deny everything, but I just stare at her.

‘Angela, Miss Thomas,’ Jasmine says. ‘I was just upset. Megan was comforting me.’

‘No. She was going to kiss you. What’s going on here? Are you two together? Is that why you haven’t been round for ages? Because you broke up?’

‘No!’ Jasmine replies quickly. ‘We kissed once. That was all, I swear. I don’t really know … what this is. I don’t think either of us do.’

I nod.

Mum kneels down and starts to pick the washing up, one piece at a time. She folds everything into little squares, even the socks, running her fingers along the edges to make sure they’re folded properly. I throw Jasmine a horrified look. That’s so not my mum!

Mum stands abruptly, says, ‘Well, I’d better get this wash load on,’ and hurries downstairs.

‘Isn’t it already clean?’ Jasmine mouths.

I nod.

She gives me a sad smile. ‘I’m going to go. Leave you two to talk.’