Unsocial (3 page)

“Sounds
good.  Thanks.  We need to decide on some dinner for us.  You want to get us
something or are we going to try to cook.”

“I
don’t think we should subject the kids to our cooking.  I’ll grab us pizzas and
pop.”

“Get
us some beer while you’re out.  We need clothes too.  We left without anything. 
Hit that mall we saw coming into town.”

“Alright,
dear.  I’m going now.”  Did I mention he’s a funny guy?

While
Jackson is gone, I take a seat at the table to look through the papers the
asshole lawyer left for me.  One of them I notice are plans for dad’s and
Sylvia’s funerals.
I go ahead and call the mortuary provided in the
information on the paper. Luckily, their bodies are already there, and they’re
just waiting for the okay to schedule the funeral.  We set it for Tuesday. 
Since today is Friday, we have a few days to take the kids shopping for clothes
as well as us. 

When
Jax returns, we round up everyone in the dining room.  Conversation is subdued,
so Jackson and I do our best to engage them. But with Luke, I’m met with
silence and Jax is given short answers.
There is
definitely some
anger there
.  Cassie and Michael talk, but it’s clear they’re in their
heads nursing their grief, so I give it to them.  Gabby though is nothing but
emotionless and quiet.  I can only imagine what the kids have been going
through.  I don’t know what Gabby saw when she was in that car with her
parents, and I don’t have a clue what to say or how to help her because she
doesn’t even know me.

After
dinner, the kids head back to their rooms.  I wish like hell I knew what to say
to them, but I’m lost.  So taking the coward’s way out, I stay quiet deciding
to try again tomorrow.  I am figuring out quickly I may be in over my head with
all this.  Jax and I drink our beer in the living room and discuss the funeral,
shopping, and our business.  He throws out there the possibility of opening up
a new garage here.  I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  Another discussion I
decide to shelve until later.  I’m discovering a real penchant I have for
avoidance.

The
weekend passes with a shopping trip to buy new clothes for the funeral and a
small wardrobe for Jax and me since we hadn’t packed anything before leaving
Oklahoma.  I keep trying to get the kids to engage, but it’s hard.  Slowly
Cassie and Michael talk more and more, but Luke hangs on to his piss poor
attitude, and Gabby just stays silent.

With
Luke, I think it’s just a matter of proving myself and getting him past losing
his parents.  Since Cassie and Michael seem to be more forgiving toward me, I
don’t worry as much.

Jax
thinks once some of the grief goes away they’ll bounce back more and more. 
We’re both worried about Gabby.  When I asked Michael and Cass about her usual
behavior, they told me she was always happy and talkative.  Now Jax and I are
thinking maybe I should see about therapy for her or all of them.

Luke
is going to be work.  I wrack my brain trying to get him to talk and trust me. 
How do you say, “Hey, I know I haven’t been around for three years, and I’ve
been a selfish asshole, but I’m going to take care of you guys now?” He mostly
avoids me and hangs out in his room.

The
day of the funeral comes all too soon.  After getting myself ready, I go around
and help the kids if they need it.  I find Michael in the bathroom struggling
to tie his tie.  Walking in I ask, “Can I help you?”

He
looks up, with a red face. He wipes away tears, and I swear where there’s
supposed to be a heart in my chest actually aches.  I don’t think his tears are
from embarrassment or frustration trying to deal with his tie.  His heart is
breaking because today he’s attending his parent’s funeral.  However, he tells
me, “I’m fine.”

I
smile.  He’s definitely my brother.  Hard-headed.  “Humor me little brother.” 
Grabbing his tie, I patiently show him how to tie it perfectly.  “It’s okay to
cry, Michael. “

He
wipes another tear, “You and Luke don’t cry. Dad never cried.”

I
finish straightening the tie and smooth it down, “Everyone deals with sadness
in different ways, and no way is necessarily wrong.  Its okay to express your grief,
however, makes you feel better.  You don’t have to handle it like Luke or me
for that matter.”

My
dad was a hardworking, tough as steel man, and crying was never acceptable to
him. That was the reason I ended up getting into a lot of fights in junior high
and high school because my sadness turned to anger. I’m afraid Luke is the same
way. I don’t want Michael to be ashamed of feelings and am pretty sure that
he’s going to turn out to be the best man out of all of us.

He
smiles slightly, “I just miss them.”

I
nod, “I know.  I miss them too, but it will be okay. I’m not going anywhere,
and if you need anything you can talk to me.”  He gives me a big hug before
going off to the bedroom he shares with Luke.

I
continue walking down the hall to check on the girls.  After knocking once, I
open it and find Cassie sitting on her bed. “Can I come in?”  She is sitting on
her bed in her new black dress holding a Teddy bear.  I remember the bear
well.  She got it from Sylvia when Gabby was born.  It’s something my step-mom
started with me when Luke was born.  Everyone got a new present whenever a new
baby came.  I believe when Michael was born I got a Kansas City Royals T-shirt
since they were my favorite team at the time.

I
sit on the bed next to Cassie, but she doesn’t look up from the bear.  “I’m
going to miss them too, Cass.”

A
tear slides down her cheek, and she doesn’t bother to wipe it away like Michael
had, “I just don’t get it.  Dad was a careful driver, and they were just going
to the store.”

“I
know, Cass.  It isn’t fair.”

She
looks up at me like that was what she was thinking, “No, they’re supposed to be
here.  I’m going to be a freshman. They’re going to miss my first date, my
proms, and graduation.  And my wedding, Dylan.  Who’s going to walk me down the
aisle?”

Wow,
she’s really been thinking into the future.  I haven’t even been able to think
past the funeral.  “I know.  I’m sorry that I can’t bring them back and make it
right.  I know I can’t replace them, but I’m here Cass.  I will always be
here.”

She
looks at me questionably, “You promise?”

I
can understand why she’s questioning me.  I haven’t been here for three years. 
Nothing from me.  No contact of any kind.  That doesn’t give her the warm and fuzzies
at all. I’ve got to live up to my promises.  I need her to trust me, and I know
it’s going to take time.  “Yes, I promise. I know I haven’t been around…”

She
cuts me off, “And you never told us why. I mean I know you and daddy had a
fight, but you just disappeared.”

Fuck.
I hate how I let them down. The hurt is written all over her face, and I know I
owe her an explanation, but I don’t want to go into all of the details,
especially right before the funeral. “I’m sorry.  I was selfish, and it was a
mistake not talking to you guys because of my issues with dad. If I could go
back and change it, I would.”

She
nods like she’s satisfied with that answer, although still cautious, “We missed
you. Especially Luke.”

I
nod.  Luke and I were ten years apart, but since we were the closest in age, we
did spend a lot of time together. When dad was busy working sixty hours a week,
I was the one teaching Luke how to play catch and ride a bike.  Almost every
Sunday was spent with us watching football on TV.  “I missed all you guys. 
There weren’t many days that went by in the past three years that I didn’t
think about you guys.” Which is true because the smallest things would remind me
of one member of my family or another throughout the day, but my pride wouldn’t
allow me to pick up the phone and call them.

She
smiles and stands, “Do we have to go to this?”

I
also stand, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I think you would
probably regret it if you didn’t.”

She
heads toward the door, “Okay, let’s go then.”

I
smile and follow her down the hall to the living room where everyone is waiting
to leave.

Not
many people are in attendance, which isn’t a huge shock. The funeral is still
emotional. There are four very young lives that have been changed forever in
less than a week.  They’ve lost their parents and are now under the care of an
older brother who has been absent for the past three years.  Needless to say,
we’re all scared.

Each
one of them handles the day differently.  Luke stands stoic. Cassie can’t hold
back her sobbing.  Michael has a few tears roll down his face, and after our
talk doesn’t try to hide it.  Then there’s Gabby sitting in her seat staring
straight ahead with no emotion.  I know I need to try harder to get through to
her.  Not one word since the accident is starting to worry me more and more. I
decide if I can’t make headway by the end of the week then I’m going to find
her a therapist.

Since
Jackson lost his grandfather just last year, I am surprised that he did
attend.  Jackson has seen a lot of death in his 26 years, and he hates having
to deal with it even a little bit.  He’s a tough son of a bitch on the outside,
but on the inside, I know this is affecting him.

After
the funeral, we all go out for an early dinner.  The mood remains somber and
quiet, and I don’t try to push for much talking.  Even when we make it home I
let them go to their rooms to continue dealing with today.  Jackson and I
decide to go over emails, texts, and notes from the shop.  We both look up when
Luke walks in the room, “I’m going to go out for a while.”

He’s
sixteen and has his own car.  It’s the same piece of shit ’87 Honda I drove in
high school, and it’s been passed down to him. It’s already nine, and I know I
need to ask questions about where he’s going and when he’ll be back, but it
just seems strange to be questioning my brother like a parent.  I know
somewhere in my mind that it’s going to become my reality to do so, but tonight
I go with, “Okay, be careful.”

He
doesn’t say anything, only nods, and leaves.  I feel Jackson watching for me. 
When I look up, he raises an eyebrow, “Does he have a curfew?”

I
shrug. How the hell do I know?  I can assume it was the same as mine when I was
his age, but really I have no clue.  At his age, I was expected to be back by
ten thirty and was usually grounded because I never made it back by that time.
“I don’t know, but he’s been through a lot lately, and I don’t feel like
grilling him.”

Jackson
shakes his head but doesn’t say anything else.

Luke
doesn’t get back until one in the morning which pisses me off, but I let it go.
I’m up when he walks in, but we don’t speak a word.  He just silently goes to
his room.  Luke and I are too much alike, and I don’t need a huge fight before
court comes up.  Did I mention I’ve mastered procrastination?  I just hope shit
starts taking care of itself.

Wednesday
I wake up after a sleepless night.  In high school, I played football all four
years.  I played in two state championships.  At the age of 23, Jax and I
started our own business and turned it into an overnight success with no
backing, just hard fucking work day in and day out.  And today, after being
pretty much calm, cool, and collected my entire adult life, I could write a
book on nervous.

At
six, I’m awake and turning on the shower.  My nerves are getting the best of
me. Just as I go to step in, my stomach heaves and I lose whatever the fuck is
left in there from what feels like the last week.  I sit on the floor leaning
back against the tub.  I feel like a total pussy.  I can’t believe this is
getting to me so goddamn much. Of course, I’ve never been responsible for
anyone before, and here I am getting ready to fight to take on four very young
lives.  I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.  The last few days I know I’ve
just been winging it and putting off making any decisions. FUCK!  Now I decide
I need to get my shit together, just hours before I go to court.

My
father’s voice is in my head telling me I need to grow up, and that fucking
lawyer’s voice is playing on repeat, shit about responsibility, maturity,
tattoos, and stability.  I stand and shake this shit off.  I have to.  There is
no way in hell I’m losing my siblings to the system.  I won’t let them go to
foster care, possibly being split up.  No fucking way.

I
shower, shave, and dress in my new suit, carefully making sure that no ink is
visible. After tying a perfect tie and making sure not one hair is out of
place, I’m prepared to fight for my family, on the outside that is. On the inside,
I’m scared as hell.

I
walk into the kitchen where Jackson is waiting with fresh coffee.  “Thanks,
man.”

Jackson
doesn’t try to talk.  We’ve been friends long enough that he knows right now I
don’t need conversation.  Neither one of us likes to talk about feelings.  He
finishes his coffee and rinses the cup in the sink, “Alright, I have to get
going. My flight leaves soon.”

He’s
flying to Oklahoma for a few days to take care of our business. “Okay, you know
you can stay there.”

He
ignores me, “I’ll see ya in a couple of days. Got to whip those fuckers into
shape, and then I’ll be back here.”