Unscripted (22 page)

As the makeup artist puts the finishing touches on Katie’s lips, I give her the message and make my way back downstairs.

After searching for Lisa in the production office, the living room, the dining room, kitchen, garage, back of the house and catering truck, I finally spot her in the distance by the gazebo chatting with Will.
Rohhh the gazebo!
Now my feet are really hurting and I’ve only been here for a half an hour. I’m in so much trouble it’s not even funny. I’m tempted to just give her a shout on the walkie but I’m sure that would piss her off.

Hobbling out in the heat I can’t help wondering why I thought this outfit was a good idea. My pants have pressed into my stomach so hard that I’ve been branded with a permanently new belly button; I’m sweating so much from this cashmere that I’m sure I look like I’ve just done the Iron Man marathon; and to top it off, I have several bloody toes, and no skin left on the balls of my feet. I reach the gazebo, walk up four steps and wince. Will turns to look at me first.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” I say, fighting back the pain.

“Everything okay?”

I wipe the sweat off the back of my neck. “Everything is fine.”

“Thanks for finding me, Abby,” Lisa says through a fake smile. “But I cannot for the life of me remember what else I needed from you. So you can just go back to the house and see if there are any interviews left to do.”

“No problem,” I respond through gritted teeth. I look back toward the house and decide that it’s just too much. I slip off my wedges, put them in one hand and start the trek back.

Halfway into my hike, I hear a “Hey,” and turn around to find Will walking briskly toward me. “What’s wrong with your shoes?”

I look down at the weapons of mass destruction in my hand and sigh. “They’re not really working out.”

Will chuckles softly. “What size are you?”

“I’m not telling you my shoe size,” I say, surprised by my flirtatious tone. Dressing up is turning out to be quite dangerous.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s mortifying!”

“Come on, just tell me.”

I stop walking, turn to look at him and cover my mouth. “Ten,” I mumble.

Will laughs. “Christ. I’m standing next to Sasquatch.”

I laugh as well and notice a slight tingling feeling in my cheeks and stomach.

“Okay, let’s see if Katie has anything you can borrow for tonight, and if not, I can send out a PA to buy a pair of comfortable shoes or something.”

Without thinking, I touch his shoulder, but then draw my hand back quickly. “Thanks so much.”

“No problem, let’s go check with her.”

I steal another look at Will’s face as we head inside the house. He didn’t shave today, and it looks as though it’s been a while since his last haircut, but he looks adorable. His soft, almost Bambi-like eyes are in sharp contrast with the rest of his angled and rugged features. I can see why Lisa likes him.

Thank God Katie had a pair of flip-flops I could borrow. She’s a size nine, but these fit just fine. Anything is better than those medieval contraptions. How do women wear heels? I just don’t get it.

It’s also gotten a lot cooler, thanks to the sun slowly dipping below the horizon. We’re all just waiting now for it to get dark so that we can start filming.

The remaining nine guys are standing in a semi-circle under the well-lit gazebo. They’re actually being very courteous to Lisa even though she’s repeating the exact same thing she told them a few hours earlier in the living room.

“So, every time Katie pauses before she makes her choice, I want you all to give me the best dramatic looks you’ve got. Same goes for when she picks each guy. I want you to look like you’re freaking out that you’re not going to get picked. Because you never know, you may not. There’s a lot at stake for you tonight.” Lisa turns to Thick-Necked Joe, who is looking even stockier than usual in his brown suit and tie. “Joe, remember, I want you to look pissed-off every time Katie picks another name and it’s not yours.”

“Does that mean she’s not going to pick me?” he asks.

“No, that’s not what I said. I told you before, I have no idea who she’s going to pick or not pick. Whatever the case, if you want face time, you have to give the audience a performance.”

Joe then flashes Lisa a cheesy grin. “How’s this?” And with that, he squints and snarls.

“Fine.” She then looks at Eric, Katie’s childhood crush and our resident all-American Bible-thumper. “Eric, before Katie comes out I want you to turn to Ryan and tell him exactly what you said to me earlier.”

“That God told me in a dream that Katie and I will be together?” he asks in his twangy southern accent.

Lisa nods her head. “That’s it. And Ryan,” she says, her voice taking on a sweeter tone, “just smile the whole time. Look confident.”

“I
am
confident,” he says calmly.

“Good. Okay, we’re going to get started in a sec. Hold your places so we can film a few reaction shots while you wait for Katie.”

I turn around to survey the area. The sun has just about dropped out of sight, and all of the little twinkley lights make the gazebo look like something out of a fairytale. Too bad it’s a bunch of frogs standing up there.

Will is standing behind Grant, looking into a camera monitor. Before I can turn away he raises his head, looks at me and smiles. Unnerved, all I can do is point to my feet and mouth, “Thanks again.” He nods his head and bends back down to look into the monitor.

“Quiet on the set! Speeding,” shouts Grant. Everyone falls silent as Katie and the show’s host, Stone, make their way up the gazebo stairs.

Stone walks toward the guys first. He’s wearing a sleek gray suit minus the tie and his frosted blond hair is styled in a subtle faux-hawk. He’s very short, very tan, and his teeth are blindingly white. I’m not sure why they hired a comedian, because a robot could deliver his stilted, lifeless dialogue. “Good evening, gentlemen,” he says with his arms extended. “Welcome to the second
official
elimination. After yesterday’s emergency vote-off, we are down to just nine suitors. Tonight, in one of our most dramatic ceremonies yet, we’ll find out if you could be Katie’s
next
boyfriend. Or,” he says, pausing dramatically, “if you will be her
Ex’d
boyfriend.”

Cheesiest line ever.

Stone picks up a red velvet, heart-shaped pillow from the table and holds it up for the guys to see. One side of the pillow is scattered with tiny red heart pins, the other side holds a pin with a red
X
the size of a dollar bill.

“This pillow represents your life on the show. There are only eight pins left. So
someone
is going home tonight. Katie, it’s time to begin the ceremony.”

Katie removes a heart pin from the pillow and holds it in her hand. She scans the guys, who are doing their best to look nervous. Thick-Necked Joe looks like he’s about to stroke out. Ryan is the only one smiling.

“Before we begin, I just want to say I love you all and that I’ve learned so much from each of you,” Katie says, looking quite contrite. “This is really difficult.”

More pausing.
Jesus,
just do it. It’s the first pin for God’s sake. This is going to take forever.

“The first suitor I’m going to call is…” Katie bites her lip and looks around.

Ryan. It’s Ryan. Just say it.

“Lee.”

Ooh. Burn. I look at Ryan. His smile cracks a bit. He definitely expected to be called first. Looks like Katie finally listened to Lisa and Will.

Lee the Shitter steps around Ryan with a cocky swagger and walks up to Katie.

“Lee, will you take my heart?” Katie asks as she pins his lapel.

“I’d love to.” Lee kisses her on the cheek and struts back to the guys.

Ryan grows increasingly agitated as Katie pins five more guys. He doesn’t look worried; he looks pissed.

She frets over each pin as if it’s her last. I know we’re giving the editor lots of options, but it’s agonizingly boring to watch live. I’ll be lucky if I make it out of here by 1:00 a.m. for my nonexistent party.

Four hundred years later, Katie finally gives Ryan the seventh pin. Surprisingly, he’s the only one who doesn’t kiss her cheek. She looks a little stung as he walks back to the guys.

Stone steps forward. “Katie only has one more heart to give. Will Eric and Joe step forward please? One of you will be Ex’d tonight.”

Thick-Necked Joe and Eric look genuinely nervous as Katie removes the final heart pin. “You both mean so much to me,” Katie says as she wipes a tear away. “Eric, when we were eight, I thought the sun sprang from your smile…”

Oh Lord.

“And, Joe, you were my first college boyfriend. We had so many good times together…”

Hmm. Less boyfriend, more one-night stand from what I’ve heard.

Katie takes a big sigh and looks down at the pin. I have no idea if she’s faking it. If she is, she should be an actress.

“Joe? Will you take my heart?”

Eric straightens his shoulders as Katie pins Joe. His face is contorting wildly. I think he’s about to cry.

“Eric. I’m sorry. You have been Ex’d.” Stone removes the
X
pin from the pillow and pins it on Eric.

As Katie gives Eric a hug he starts to weep. Some of the guys are snickering. Eric was not the most popular housemate. One of the producers leads him off the gazebo and into the house where they’ll tape his goodbye message to Katie.

Meanwhile, the guys are standing around the gazebo laughing and vying for Katie’s attention. At this point, we would usually hand out champagne, but unfortunately, we’re not done yet.

None of them notice as a producer pins a new
X
on the heart pillow and hands it back to Stone.

Stone clears his throat. “Gentlemen, I’m going to ask you to stand over there once more. I’m afraid we’re not done yet.” Everyone looks shocked as they take their places. They clearly thought they were home free. With a puzzled expression, Katie returns to Stone’s side.

“Did you assume that Frank’s departure last night meant only one suitor would be eliminated tonight? Well, by now you should realize that you can’t make assumptions on
Second Time Around.
One of you will surrender Katie’s heart and become Katie’s Ex’d boyfriend. Right now. Katie, please choose two suitors. One of them will be going home.”

Stone hands Katie the
X
pin as she shakes her head in disbelief.

“I didn’t expect…this is just so hard.”

“Katie, you must choose.”

I look over at Will and Lisa. They are loving this. The guys are freaking out, Katie is freaking out. The network will be thrilled.

“Joe and Karl,” Katie says remorsefully.

Creepy Katie-obsessed Karl, one of the new suitors, and Thick-Necked Joe begrudgingly head to the middle of the gazebo.

“Katie,” Stone instructs. “Please withdraw your heart from one of the suitors.”

“I’m so sorry,” Katie says as she de-pins Karl and places the
X
on his lapel.

“Karl. You’ve been Ex’d. Please say your goodbyes.”

Bye, Karl! Five down, seven to go.

After we’re finished with the ceremony, Ryan makes a beeline for the back door. Not so fast, Mr. Perfect. I grab a camera guy and sneak up on him before he can escape.

“Hey, Ryan, can I get a quick OTF from you?”

“Yeah, you got me,” he says with a sly grin. Even though he’s pissed and just wants to go to bed, I know he’ll deliver a good line.

“Ryan, can you tell me how it felt to be picked seventh? Were you surprised?”

“I was shocked when Katie picked me seventh. Looks like I’m going to have to step up my game to get the girl.” He shakes off his TV persona and rubs the back of his neck. “Is that enough? I’m exhausted.”

“Yep that will do it. Good night.” Okay. That wasn’t enough by half, but he looks so tired and wounded. How can I keep him? It’s a strong sound bite and will have to do.

Over the next couple of hours, the other producers and I tape OTFs with the rest of the guys as Will does a formal interview with Katie upstairs.

At 12:30 a.m. we finally begin to wrap out. I feel beyond battered. My feet are throbbing and the skin on my waist is stinging from lack of circulation. Tomorrow I’m wearing sweats, damn it.

I turn on my cell and notice a voice mail waiting for me.

“Hi, Abby, my name is Ted and I’m a supervising producer over at LRB Productions. We’re staffing up for a new show in about four weeks. I can’t go into much detail over the phone, but it’s a celebrity-driven reality show and Grant Schafer is directing. He couldn’t say enough good things about you, so I wanted to check your availability.”

A job. In four weeks. I love Grant!

“Grant!” I yell as I run/hobble to him and give him a big hug. “I just got a message from LRB. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I pepper his face with kisses. “I’ve been putting off worrying about my next job, and now I don’t have to!”

“Get off me. Okay, okay, one more kiss, right here.” He leans his cheek toward me and I give him a big loud kiss.

“Looks like the mystery of the maze is solved,” Lisa says as she glides up next to us.

Fantastic.
Why didn’t I look before I leaped? Too bad I can’t tell her that everyone else thinks she was in the hedge maze with Will.

“Oh, I was just thanking Grant for…” I say as I remove my hands from his neck.

“Well, try to do your
thanking
off hours,” she interrupts me. “Your behavior is beyond unprofessional.”

My cheeks are burning. Luckily, there are only a few crew people around to witness my humiliation. I don’t even know what to say to this bitch. Before I can respond, Grant steps in front of me.

“I don’t like what you’re insinuating, Lisa.
Professionally
speaking, you’ve gone too far.” The veins in his neck are jutting out. I’ve never seen Grant like this before; he usually makes a joke out of everything.

Lisa blanches and she immediately steps toward Grant. “I wasn’t being serious. I’m sorry if you took my teasing the wrong way, it was not my intention to…”