Unrequited (9 page)

“Okay,” he said after a moment.

“Okay? You're going to back off and just treat me like you would treat anyone else?” She seemed unconvinced.

“I'll make you a deal. For the rest of the year, I'll put my questions and guidance aside, but I want you to do the things you want to do, including basketball.” He bent down to pick up the ball that had been dropped during their argument.

“If I play, you're just going to be the coach, right? I don't want to constantly feel like I'm about to be interrogated by you.”

“I promise, I'll just be the coach, but can we please call some sort of truce? When I'm here, visiting your family, can't we try to be friends?” Will wondered if he would ever be able to break through Ashton's façade.

She was studying him, and he hoped she was considering his proposal.

“I'll play on the team. As for being friends, we'll just have to see what happens.” She grabbed the ball from Will and walked back to the house.

A true friendship had yet to materialize, though there were unmistakable moments where he felt her aversion to him wasn't as strong as she pretended. He would catch her watching him sometimes, and once he’d overheard her and some other female students talking, and Ashton had admitted she found him attractive. At least it was a start. Sometimes he thought she found him grotesque. Will was determined to give her whatever time she needed. After all, they had plenty of it.

Practice was over and the girls were collecting their bags and leaving the gym. Jackson Truitt was waiting by the door for Ashton. Will watched as the two of them walked out together and couldn’t help but wonder why Ashton continued to date that kid. He’d heard her lament more than once about her age and her condition, citing both as reasons she should break it off with Jackson.

All obstacles aside, she just didn’t seem to be very affectionate toward the guy. She treated Jackson in a platonic way, and he chalked the relationship up to Ashton's resolve to be “normal.” He also knew Jackson's emotions were far more invested than hers. Will had tapped into his feelings a few times and knew Ashton had captured Jackson's heart long ago. The boy was smitten, and Will couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He also felt a little sorry for himself. Try as he might to let Ashton be, he couldn't keep his thoughts from dwelling on her. He had started noticing her more and more as a woman, and not just a kindred spirit. For all of her defensiveness, she was a smart, beautiful, and at times, disarmingly funny young lady.

Grabbing his own bag and putting his wistful thoughts aside, Will left the gym and headed to his car. Tonight was a Wallace night, and they would be expecting him for dinner.

***

Ashton sat in Jackson's car. They were still parked outside the gym. She’d seen Will walk out and leave in his own car heading toward her house.

“Great,” she said out loud.

“What's wrong?” Jackson started the ignition.

“Oh, nothing. I just forgot that Wi—Mr. Leighton is having dinner at my house tonight.” She leaned against her window.

“He's over there a lot.” Jackson backed the car out of the parking lot.

“Yeah, tell me about it. My parents have practically adopted him.” She hoped Jackson would drop the subject. Will was the last person she wanted to talk about. She knew every time she let her mind turn toward Will for even a second, her carefully crafted façade cracked a little bit more. If it cracked any further, she would have to start accepting that she didn't object to Will as much as she claimed. In fact, she was afraid it was quite the opposite.

Will had honored her request for space, almost to a fault. Ashton found herself missing their interactions, even their arguments. She knew she was the one that could change all that. One sign from her, and Will would be more than willing to be friends, or even more. He watched her in a way which still made her heart flutter. More than once, she’d heard Will ask her mother personal questions about Ashton’s likes and dislikes. He wanted to know her better. He wanted to impress her. She knew these things, and secretly liked them.

“Ya know, Ash, something about that guy doesn't seem right. I feel like he is hiding something, something bad.” Ashton's thoughts came back to the present, and she froze at Jackson's words. Terror rose in her throat. If he somehow managed to figure out Will's secret, then it wouldn’t be long until he figured out hers.

Jackson turned to look at Ashton. “You don't have to look so upset. It's not your fault the guy has a major thing for you.”

Ashton should have felt relieved, but she wasn't.

“Don't be ridiculous. There's nothing going on between Will and me.” She smiled and tried to laugh as though the whole thing was absurd. Jackson pulled the car to a stop and gripped the steering wheel tightly while staring into the dark distance.

“I didn’t suggest there was something going on
between
the two of you…and now he's 'Will'? What's going on, Ashton?” Jackson's voice was low and he couldn’t meet Ashton's gaze.

Ashton's heart pounded in her chest. She didn’t want to hurt Jackson, but she also didn’t want him to make any further insinuations about her relationship with Will. There wasn't a good way to explain any of this.

“Nothing is going on. Will is just a good family friend, that's all. Jackson, you have to believe me. You are the only person I'm interested in.” She placed her hand on his arm and could feel his tensed muscles.

“You have a funny way of showing it. I’ve done everything to show you how much I like you and respect you. I've tried to be gentlemanly and patient, always hoping you would eventually relax and let me get to know you. Even when we are alone together, you are always off somewhere else in your head. We've been dating for months, and I still feel like I have to sit on pins and needles when I'm around you.”

Ashton had recently discovered a growing ability to sense emotions in others. The moments were usually fleeting, but tonight she couldn’t help but feel Jackson's pain. It caused her own chest to ache. For a while she'd suspected Jackson’s heart had become involved, and no matter how much she might want it, she couldn’t return his feelings. She felt like a fool. How could she have thought she could casually date this guy and then leave him behind? It was cruel of her to ever go out with him, when every look, every touch, and every kiss was a lie. Now she knew what she had to do, and she knew it was going to cause him additional pain.

***

When the door opened to the Wallace house, Will was only a little surprised to see Ashton walk in without Jackson. It had become routine for him to stick around for a while on the nights he drove Ashton home, and lately Will had sensed a growing level of unease coming from Jackson. More than once, Will had caught the kid staring at him in a suspicious manner. Sometimes Jackson seemed to regard Ashton in the same way. Maybe the kid would stop coming in on nights when Will was over.

“Where's Jackson, honey?” Elaine asked from the kitchen.

“Um, he's not coming in. We broke up.” Ashton didn’t look at anyone except for her mother. Then she turned and walked to her bedroom.

Will knew this moment would come, but he couldn’t revel in it. There had never been a doubt in his mind that Ashton felt nothing more than friendship for Jackson. Even more, he knew she had the same struggle as he did. It was impossible to let yourself truly love and be loved by a mortal, because the relationship was doomed from the beginning.

Will exchanged looks with Frank and Elaine, and then without saying a word, he followed Ashton to her room. He knew they had an agreement to let things go for now, but this seemed like a moment where they should talk. After all, nobody could understand this particular situation better than he could.

The door to Ashton's room was partially open. Will knocked on the door, causing it to open a little further. He could see her standing on the far side of the room, staring out the window into the night.

Without turning, Ashton spoke. “It's really not appropriate for you to be in here.”

“Your parents are down the hall, you’re twenty years old, and the door is open. I think we’re maintaining propriety.” Will took a few more steps into the room and took a seat on the corner of the bed. He noticed his old journal sitting on her nightstand and wondered if she had been reading it. He loved the thought of her sitting on this bed while reading the words he had written, but this wasn't the time for that discussion.

“Sitting on my bed hardly seems proper either, but I guess, like you say, I'm not a child.” She finally turned to face Will, while maintaining her distance. “I don't need a lecture or consolation or whatever it is you think you need to say to me. I'm hardly mending a broken heart, and I suspect you already knew that.”

“I did know, and that's why I am here: because you need to know and accept that someone else understands, truly understands, what you are dealing with. You have pushed me and ignored me and tried to pretend I'm somehow lacking. You’re so caught up in yourself that you’re blind to everything else out there.” Will took a few deep breathes to try and maintain his calm, but this was a conversation that had to happen. For her well-being, and for his own future happiness, he had to make Ashton finally see him for everything he could offer.

“What am I blind to? Am I blind to the fact that you follow me around like a lovesick schoolboy? I'm not blind, and neither are my parents, and neither is Jackson.” Ashton was angry and Will was taken aback by her accusation. His feelings for Ashton were complicated, but “lovesick” seemed extreme.

“Where is that coming from? I've never been anything but polite, and I honored your request to just act as a coach at school. Even here, at your house, I've left you alone and given you all the space you want.” Will's voice became louder, and he felt a slight slip in his self-control.

“Will, it isn't how you've behaved, it's how you look at me. I've tried to pretend I don't notice, but I do. You know how you say you can sense me? I can sense you too. I can sense when you’re watching me. When you look at me, I can see what you’re feeling. Your eyes give you away, and tonight Jackson said he’d seen it too. My parents have made remarks, but of course, they would be thrilled if I ever decided to return the feelings you have for me.” She took a deep, shaky breath. Her anger had subsided and been replaced with a look of pity. “But my feelings haven't changed, and I can't make them, just like I couldn’t make myself have feelings for Jackson. I'm sorry, Will, I really am. Part of me thinks life would be easier if I could just be with you and lean on you and let you guide me through everything.”

She moved to sit next to Will on the bed. “We've both been robbed of certain rights and privileges, and neither of us had any say in the matter. You're right; we are the same in so many ways, but we're also different. You’ve had years and decades to decide how you want to live and who you want to be in this life. I've hardly had time to catch my breath, let alone figure out my future.” She grabbed his hand and held it in her lap.

“Please.” Her voice was hardly more than a whisper. “Please leave me alone. I can't explain why, but having you always around and always talking, it makes me feel like I'm suffocating. I need to be away from you. I just need time.”

He watched her for a long time, as tears quietly streamed down her face. Will knew she was pushing him away and pretending she didn’t care, when everything in him said she did care. She didn’t show this much emotion over Jackson, and she had dated him for months. Yet here she was, crying and holding his hand and pleading with him, and Will knew something strong was fueling this. It might be love or fear or something else he hadn’t figured out yet, but Ashton cared about him, otherwise she would never be reacting like she was.

Will pulled his hand away from hers and stood. He walked to the doorway and paused without looking back. “Promise me something. Promise me that one day, when you are ready, we can try to be friends.” He stood motionless, afraid to look back at her, and more afraid she would let him walk out the door without an answer.

“I don't know if we can be friends.” Her voice a whisper.

“I just want a promise that you will try. Please…please.” He felt weak at the knees.

Several moments passed, but Will remained in the doorway, praying for a response.

“I‘ll try.” Hearing her pledge, he walked out.

Chapter Twelve

“Another school year comes to an end, and we say farewell to the young men and women of the senior class as they head out into the world,” Principal Moore addressed the large crowd gathered for graduation. As was tradition every May, the students were seated in chairs on the football field, and all the family and friends were watching from the bleachers.

Will sat with the other teachers on a platform at the front of the crowd. This was usually a happy day for Will. He loved seeing graduating students as they walked across the platform to get their diplomas. There was always such hope and excitement written across their faces. It was very fulfilling to know he had helped all of them, in some way, to reach this moment.

This year he wasn't feeling quite so cheerful. He looked into the crowd for the face he’d sought out a million times. Looking at her, he wondered if anyone else had noticed the changes he could see. As expected, her beauty had surpassed itself from the year before. There was a new look of confidence she hadn't possessed even five months earlier. Her demeanor had shifted, and Will found himself wishing he could read her thoughts.

He’d kept his promise to give her space. Not only did he keep his distance at school, but Will had stopped going to the Wallace house. Frank and Elaine had protested, and when he wouldn’t relent, they began making visits to his house. Some mention of Ashton would inevitably come up, but Will never instigated it. The subject produced a pain he wasn't used to, and he avoided the topic as much as possible.