Unorthodox Therapy (51 page)

When we fell asleep, Lina would clutch onto me for dear life. It felt like she was trying to physically restrain me from walking away. That was even more painful than watching her catatonic state during the day. I'd never force a woman in such a fragile psychological state to have sex with me. It wouldn’t be okay even if she offered it herself, but my body was affected by being so close to Lina, having her in my arms and not being able to make at least tender love to her. I was often aching and hard when she pressed herself to me. I tried to think of grannies in underwear and dirty socks to make the blood rush out of my cock. The frustration made me feel like even more of a pig who had a hard time trying to control his urges.

That wasn’t the worst part. After all, I wasn't a teenager and I could handle the hormones. In the middle of the night, Lina would wake me up with screams of terror, writhing in the claws of another nightmare. Her body was always soaked in cold sweat and shaken by desperate sobs. I'd hold her tight and comfort her until she fell asleep again. At one point, it became hard for me to sleep. I knew the nightmare and screams would repeat over and over again. Instead, I watched Lina sleep and stir in her dreams. She looked so fragile and lost that my old rage resurfaced.

In those instances, I wished I'd killed Seth, but I realized that if I had done, I would have left Lina all alone and fighting even stronger demons. It was important that I brought her back to her true self, even if she went back to smoking. She refused to talk about what had happened with Seth. I could only guess what that sociopath had done to her mind.

Lina wouldn't go outside, not even onto her spacious balcony. Any mention of the world beyond her loft would send her into fits of hysterics. In the end, the detectives assigned to her case had to come to her to get her statement on the assault. I was on edge during the entire interrogation, holding her hand, trying to show her support in every way possible. Luckily, Lina handled the questions better than expected, with a detached look in her eyes. She stated the facts as if recalling the plot of a book or movie, but at least there was no nervous breakdown. She handled herself well at least until the detectives left. The moment we were alone, Lina burst into tears and confessed she saw Seth's shadow everywhere.

It was the second stage of her reaction to the events. She was in a constant state of paranoia in those horrible days of panic attacks and strange emotional outbursts. I almost missed her catatonic, quiet phase. Yes, that was a shitty attitude. However, I was truly helpless for the first time in my life. All my efforts to help her recover were failing. Lina was in need of proper therapy, professional help so she could let go of this nightmare. Just the slightest mention of finding a specialist would set her off, though. Her body would tremble violently, she'd curl up in the fetal position and cry, begging me not to force her to go back over what had happened.

“He could be anywhere. Sometimes I swear I can hear his voice when you're not here.”

Her episodes of fear only progressed and got worse. One day, I arrived at her place after spending a few hours in the office. I was in a particularly lousy mood. Work had been going well but the suggestive whispers behind my back were starting to get to me. Katie swore she hadn't told anyone. However, she added with some discomfort that people weren't stupid and sooner rather than later everyone would know. If only they could mind their own business and stop trying to drag Lina through the mud. She had been through enough without their petty rumors.

She didn't respond to me calling her name when I walked through the door. It didn't worry me at first. She had probably curled up in her favorite spot, the armchair next to the window. She’d often stare fearfully at the sunbeams peeking through the blinds. I left my laptop in the improvised office area I'd set up for myself and headed for the kitchen to get some coffee. Lina had been calmer during the weekend. I hoped today I'd finally persuade her to go out for a short walk. It had been a pretty warm day for January. The exercise might help her feel a bit better.

All those hopes and plans crashed when I pushed the kitchen door open and saw Lina crouched in one of the corners. She was clutching a large kitchen knife so hard her knuckles had gone white. She was dressed in a fluffy towel that was sliding down her shoulder and revealing her breasts. Never in my life had I seen a less erotic and more heartbreaking sight. The raw, feral horror in those eyes I loved so much made her look like a hunted animal – a magnificent beast who was finally caught and waiting for the inevitable.

“Lina,” I said with my calmest voice, approaching her with small, soft steps. She hadn't shown any inclinations towards self-harm, but I wouldn't exclude the possibility given how unstable her mind was. “Baby, drop the knife. You're safe. You don't need it.” Lina shook her head and grasped the handle even tighter. Some tears fell down her ashen gray cheeks and she whimpered in despair. “It's me. Thomas. Don't you recognize me?”

She wiped her cheek and nodded but didn't let go of the knife. The artificial light of the lamps cast their beams on the blade’s surface. The helplessness was choking me so hard I nearly started crying myself. For a brief moment, I had the disgusting, traitorous thought that I could just turn around and walk away from her forever.

I wouldn't do it, but the idea was so seductive for a moment.

I was beginning to hate myself.

“Lina?” My fingers brushed her hair for a moment and she looked up at me. “Do you recognize me? Do you where you are, baby?” I avoided calling her pet or any of my old terms of endearment. She was messed up enough without me trying to reinstate the D/s dynamic of our relationship.

“He’s here, Thomas. I feel him around every day, especially when I'm alone. Please...” Her grasp around the knife tightened and she burst into tears. “Please, don't let him take me again. Please.”

“He isn't here, love.” It was not the time to act scared. She was terrified enough for both of us. I wrapped my fingers around her wrist and squeezed it in a firm yet gentle manner. Lina blinked and loosened her fingers. I used the moment to take the knife away as carefully as possible. I was used to her sudden mood swings and wouldn't have been surprised if her panic was followed by a violent emotional outbreak.

“But I see him all the time, Thomas.” Her bottom lip quivered. Tears were leaking down her face again. “I hear him whispering in my ear, telling me he's close.”

“Seth has been taken away and is under arrest as we speak. He can't harm you now, Lina.” I pulled her close to me and let her rest her head on my chest. She cuddled closer and closed her eyes tight, in the all too familiar fetal position. I wanted to do the usual, let her hug me and cry until she was tired and dehydrated, but it wouldn't help either of us.

“Look at me, Lina.” When she didn't comply, I placed a finger under her chin and made her raise her head. The despair and denial in the lakes of her eyes nearly made me stop but I gritted my teeth and tapped her forehead. “He may not be in this apartment or this room, but he's always here. You keep him in your mind and he gets bigger because you feed him with your fear.”

“I don't feel afraid or hear him when you're around. I need you. I fall apart when I'm alone.”

In other circumstances, her confession that she needed me would have flattered me and scratched my ego. At that moment, though, it just stirred the shit storm inside me and twisted the knife deeper into my wound.

“You need to chase him out of your head, Lina. Don't let him win by allowing him to ruin your life.” I sighed and hugged her tight. If only physical contact and affection could erase the demons from our lives and memories. It would take a lot more.

“We can't go on like this, baby. You're not getting better. My usual therapy could just end up damaging you for good.” I kissed her lips and stroked her shoulders while she shivered. Kissing her had always brought me so much pleasure and comfort, but it hurt so badly right now. How had that happened? “You need to get out of this apartment and be treated by a specialist. I'll be with you, but you must take the first step.”

“Thomas, please, I can't.” She started crying again and clutched at my shirt, pulling me closer to her. “I can't bear going back to that night. It was too much. I just want to forget, move on.”

“But you can't move on until you accept it, baby.” My short moment of empowerment left as quickly as it arrived. “You're stuck in the past. That will never change if you don't help yourself.”

“I'm not ready.”

“You never will be.”

Those words made her yell in a way that chilled my blood with horror. Lina often had episodes of hysteria during her recovery, but now she was literally agonizing. I had no idea how much time I spent holding her, cuddling her, trying to find the right words to bring her peace, even temporarily. At one point, her body exhausted its ability to cry and she fell asleep in my arms. When that finally happened, I felt an intense fatigue as if coming out of a long battle.

Talking to Allie on those afternoons she was free was my only outlet. She was a safe harbor from the crazy place Lina's home had turned into. My best friend hardly had the chance to say anything, and that was the first time that had ever happened to her. I didn't care. All I wanted was to get the poison out of my system.

In the end, she got sick of listening to my monologue repeating in an infinite loop each time we talked.

“You're aware you aren’t helping Lina by keeping her in her bubble, aren't you?” Allie cut me off one day when I took a pause to have a sip of coffee. “The woman is traumatized. She will keep on dragging you deeper into her madness if you don't do something.”

“Yes, Allie, I know, but I'm at a loss for what I should do.”

“You know perfectly well what to do.” Her burning brown eyes fixed on me and she spoke in a low, authoritative voice. “If necessary, you must dominate her into going out and starting her therapy.”

“You gotta be kidding me.” I stared at her in a complete disbelief. How could an intelligent person like her think even for a minute that that would solve anything? “I don't think I'll ever be able to dominate her again, whether she recovers or not. It brought her so much suffering in the first place–”

“Thomas,” Allie said in a surprisingly gentle voice. I’d never heard her speak that way before and it made me cut my angry rant short. “You must stop beating yourself up over what happened with her. You didn't make a madman kidnap her and put her through hell. Maybe the pictures triggered something in Seth, but I'm telling you, the asshole had most of his screws loose already.” She drummed her fingers on the top of the table and went on with the same motherly concern. “I'm worried about you.”

“What?” I laughed and shook my head. Allie hadn't ever expressed any sympathy for me no matter how close we were. It was what made her so great at being a sadistic dominatrix. If she showed concern, I guessed I was in bigger trouble than I thought.

“Yes. I hate cheesy metaphors but you really look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You’ve got deeper circles under your eyes than a pretentious goth teenager. Your hands are always shaking and I'm sure you haven't slept normally for a long time. How close am I?”

“Pretty close,” I admitted with shame and turned my attention back to my coffee cup.

“Do something, Thomas. You're a caring and loving person, but don't let the empathy destroy both of you.”

Allie's words resonated in my mind for a long time after we said goodbye. She was right, as usual, but the thought of imposing my will on a suffering, damaged woman scared me more than anything in my life before. The mantra that it was for her own good was just like something an abuser would say.

So I decided to try a more gentle approach for the last time.

The idea occurred to me while I was giving her a bath and washing her long hair. She'd been pretty calm during the day. Tomorrow we'd finally have to visit the hospital for her final check-up. It was as good a time as any to bring it up.

“You know, I wish I'd been a fly on the wall the day you slammed the board of directors. People are still talking–”

“I'm pretty sure they talk more about how I’m a nasty whore who disgraced herself in public.” The sudden bitterness in her otherwise low and broken voice startled me. “Who knows? Some may even praise Seth for putting the bitch in her place.” Just when I thought I'd figured out the patterns in her behavior, Lina found a new way to shock me. She hadn't shown signs of anger since the night of her assault and the outburst affected me like a sudden punch to the stomach.

“Nobody would ever think that way, Lina. You have everyone's sympathy. Many wish you'd come back. We miss our fearless leader.”

“Thomas, please, I know you're trying to help, but cut the bullshit.” She raised her eyes at me. They were filled with pain, confusion, and burning anger. “We both know I failed myself, you and the company. Maybe Seth was right.” The blood-chilling sensation caught me in its grasp again. “Maybe I really am a worthless whore.”

Finally, I had a glimpse of what was really torturing her. The fucking snake had done greater damage than I thought. It took all my strength not to give in to my hatred for him. I took a deep breath, grabbed a lock of her wet hair and forced her to look at me.

“Enough. I don't know what that low life told you, but I won't stand for seeing someone like you self-deprecating because of him. You're too good.”

“Too good in what way, Thomas?” she spat out with passion and tore herself away from my grasp. Soap bubbles were running down her wet hair and gave her the look of an enraged siren. “Character judgment? I allowed an insane person to be in close proximity to my employees. I've been nurturing a fucking snake for years and I hadn't realized it until he bit me.” Lina sank her teeth into her lip with ferocity until it started bleeding, and dragged her nails across her chest. I wasn't fast enough to grab her by the wrists before she left several nasty marks. She struggled like a wild cat, trying to scratch me so I'd let her go. It was time to be firm with her or who knew what the next stage of her fall could be?