Unlovely (40 page)

Claudia wished that she could just write
what she was feeling, let him know that she understood his signal, and that she
still loved him, too, and that they would find a way to right all the wrongs so
they could be together again, but she suspected Mark would prefer to take the
lead in their relationship. She would have to learn to be a little more
passive, to let the man be the man. Men like to hunt, to conquer their women.
She was dawdling at the watering hole; it was his job to pounce on willing
prey.

She clicked the button to send the
message, then quickly closed the page. The suspense and excitement were too
much for her to keep it open. Done. Sent. Even at this moment, Mark could be
reading the message.

Claudia paced her rooms to burn it off
some adrenalin. She'd done it. She'd taken charge of her life. This was going
to happen, this was really the beginning of something huge. She was going to
get him back. It was just a matter of time now. Maybe within the day. A day!
She paced and paced until some of her nervous energy was spent.

Claudia threw herself on her couch,
purposefully slowing her respiration, trying to calm down so she could think
clearly. She was so happy, so lucky, so excited! She had to calm down. She had
to think straight. There would be time for celebration when she and Mark were
together again. Lots of time.

Now, as Claudia sat on her sofa and her
breathing slowed, she had yet another epiphany: this was why she'd had all
those years of loneliness. This was what the suffering was for. She'd had to
endure all the pain and depression as a lesson to prepare her for this moment.
It had strengthened her, toughened her. It made her vision acute, it showed her
what was important. She had been on the threshing floor and been beaten and
beaten until this core of who she was had been separated from all the chaff and
Mark had been there, too. They'd gotten sorted out, together. All the rest of
them, the whole rotten world, could be cast into the fire.

This was the thing that had been missing
all along. The universe had been directing her to this and only this: she was
supposed to make things right with Mark Adams and reunite with him, start a
family with him.

Slow down! Claudia told herself. Be
content to take it step by step and let events unfold as they will. All will be
revealed in its own good time, the whys and the wherefores. That's the point of
everything: you can't force things like this, they have to happen the way the
universe wants them to happen. The stars line up and the planets straighten
themselves into patterns to create a cosmic miracle.

Her mind raced on despite her
intentions: That's what this was: a miracle. It was a miracle! But miracles
don't occur because of some random movement in the universe. No, they emerge
from the mind of God. From God, only from God.

This was from God! It made sense, yes,
it made sense, finally. The glorious truth crashed on Claudia, overwhelmed her.
The signs had been there, she had ignored them. Peter and his ill mother:
death, sickness, weakness had lain on that path. Mark was health, future, life!
How could she have been so blind?

But was it blindness? Was it really? No,
she must be honest, it was willful disobedience. For all this time, she had
been in rebellion. Her mother had sensed it (sensed it? or was she a prophet,
given the knowledge by God . . .) and she had alluded to it, but now Claudia
saw it spelled out in bold letters. It wasn't the "universe" guiding
her back to Mark. It had been God, all along. God had arranged this wonderful
life for her. He loved her, after all.

He loved her. He wasn't just some deity
in the sky, starting things in motion and then letting the chips fall without
interference. He was a personal God, and He was looking out for Claudia. The
enormity of it almost made her weep.

With the realization that she had
received this tremendous gift from God, this chance at a wonderful life, this
chance to have her heart healed, came a rush of shame and humility. What had
Claudia ever done to deserve such happiness? After the way she'd behaved, the
way she'd been so dismissive of the whole subject of religion or any talk of
God? She had never cared anything about it. She had never understood until now.
She didn't deserve this, any of it.

"Well, of course you don't,"
Claudia thought to herself
.
"That's why it's a gift! You don't
deserve a gift. It comes from love."

All of this was completely unearned, and
Claudia recognized it. (She felt a tiny bit of pride, truth be told, that she
was able to grasp this. Perhaps she was more theologically literate than she'd
imagined herself to be.) Shame was inappropriate here. There was only one
reaction a person should have to such an extravagant gift: gratitude, and
Claudia felt overwhelmingly grateful to the good God who brought her this fortune.

Claudia decided that she would make a
trip into town this afternoon, to visit a church and say thank you in person.
It was the least she could do to demonstrate her appreciation. But before she
did that, of course, she would have to wait to read whatever response Mark
would send her. That there would be a response, she had no doubt, but it could
take hours if Mark didn't check his messages regularly.

Claudia checked her computer every half
hour. Her impulse was to leave the page open so she could be alerted the moment
she received a message from Mark, and she in fact did that until about eleven,
but it was making her too nervous. She had to go on with her life, after all.
There was a lot to do.

She went into her bedroom and started packing
a weekend bag for a trip back to
Mapleville
. She'd
told Mark she was heading home, and so she would (unless a better offer
presented itself!). Claudia packed a denim skirt and a tee shirt she thought
she looked especially good in, a couple pair of new panties and a bra with just
the thinnest layer of fiberfill for shaping, which made her look even better in
the tee shirt. These were just-in-case clothes: just in case she and Mark
decided to start their life together right away, she wanted something nice to
wear on Sunday. She packed her nicest nightgown as well, a pale pink cotton
chemise with beading around the neckline. It was scratchy to wear, but very
romantic.

Claudia looked at her legs and decided
that now was the time to shave them, and shave them thoroughly, so she did that
next. Tomorrow morning would require only a light touch-up. She pulled her hot
rollers out from the back of the cabinet under the bathroom sink and plugged
them in. It would be fun to try a new hairstyle.

While she waited for the rollers to
heat, Claudia headed back to her closet to pick the outfit for tomorrow's
assignation. It had to be perfect. Mark was going to remember this moment of
reunion for the rest of his life. There was a problem, though, in that she'd
been losing a bit of weight around her waist, and many of her skirts and slacks
needed to be pinned to keep them from slipping down around her hips. That
wouldn't do at all. Finally, after much searching and discarding, Claudia
selected a short sleeved polo dress that fell just above the knee. It was navy
blue, like Mark's sweater. Putting it on, she admired its lines and the way it
complimented her milky complexion. It was conservative, to be sure, and Claudia
almost put it away, but then she considered that so much in fashion was based
on the way a woman carried herself. Claudia could make it look sporty, and even
sexy, if she walked with the right attitude.

The rollers were heated by this time and
Claudia put up her hair in the biggest ones. They burned behind her ears, so
she tucked some toilet paper in between the rollers and her skin, and then
hopped over to the computer to take another peek. Nothing. Oh, well, no cause
for concern. Chances were that Mark was working on campus and would check his
page when he was taking a break for lunch.

Claudia started cleaning up around the
kitchen. It had been a while since she'd done dishes. She hopped around her
rooms, collecting the mugs, glasses and plates that had been left everywhere.
Some of the mugs seemed to have something hard and discolored in the bottom.
There was no time to scrub away at them with so many other things to do. She
filled the sink with warm water and let everything soak.

Her parents had to be told she was
coming home for a visit. They would be delighted, of course. But what if she
and Mark ended up going to a hotel instead? They would be disappointed and she
would have to explain what was going on. Did she really want to go into all of
that? Well, she couldn't just pop in on them. No, she should call them. Claudia
dialed the number and was pleased to get the answering machine.

"Hi, Mom and Dad. Sorry I missed
you. Listen, I thought I'd try to get back to
Mapleville
tomorrow for a short visit, maybe a day or two. Don't plan anything big for
dinner, because I'm working on this curriculum project and at the last minute I
may have to stay here after all. Wow, this is a confusing message, isn't it?
Okay, here's what: just expect me. If I don't call to change plans by four
o'clock, assume I'll be home by six or so. Love you! Bye!"

Claudia hung up the phone and went into
the bathroom to take out the rollers. It was a disaster: her hair, frizzy at
the roots, descended into enormous curls halfway down her head. Good thing
she'd tried the rollers out today instead of using them tomorrow when it
counted. Claudia grabbed an elastic and pulled her hair back into a ponytail,
then headed back over to her computer to check again.

This time, there was an indication on
the screen that she had received a message.

This was it. She and Mark were now
officially corresponding again. This was a major, major milestone. Their
relationship was now officially revived.

Claudia sat down at her desk and lined
the computer up in front of her. She smoothed her hair, tucking a few stray
bits that hadn't been captured by the elastic behind her ears, and bit her lips
to pink them a bit. She decided to imagine Mark sitting across from her,
reading his note aloud; she tried to match the timbre of his voice to the one
in her head. Then, feeling as prepared as she could be, she clicked on the
message and began to read:

Of course I remember you! What a
terrific surprise to get your message. I would be very happy indeed to see you
tomorrow at your convenience. There's a coffee shop near the college on Normal
Street. How about there? Truly pleased to hear from you – we have a lot to
catch up on, don't we?

Best,

Mark

Claudia's heart stuttered in
disappointment. She wasn't sure exactly what she had expected, but she had
hoped for something more.
Of course I remember you
? That was a far cry
from “I think of you often” or “I've missed you.” 
Best
? What was
that? More collegial than romantic. Not even warm, really. This wasn't the
letter of a lover. What was he doing? Why was he doing this? How could he be so
cruel?

She started to cry. This was hard, so
hard. So much harder than it should have been. Why all this reticence? Why
couldn't they just be straightforward with each other? She pushed her chair
back from the desk and closed her eyes. She was exhausted. Maybe she wasn't
seeing things clearly. It was entirely possible that she was distorting the
facts. Maybe she needed to sleep.

Claudia went back to her bedroom and lay
down on her bed. She didn't like the path her thoughts were traveling. She
could feel herself slipping back to that dark place. "Think of something
else, think of something." What? What could she think about besides this,
just for a little while?

Claudia thought back to her time in
Germany, all those years ago. She thought about Kurt. She wondered what he was
doing right now, at this very minute. She hadn't thought much about him since
she boarded the plane to come back to the United States. Claudia concentrated
on Kurt and pictured his face: his pasty complexion and sharp nose, the double
lines between his eyebrows, the light brown tobacco stains between his teeth.
She tried to recall every detail, and as she did she drifted off into a
restless doze.

She woke up about a half hour later, not
much refreshed but feeling like she'd regained some of her mental acuity.
Realizing she'd only eaten half of her piece of toast at breakfast, she got up
and ate the second half, then went over to her computer to compose a message to
send back to Mark.

Upon rereading the one Mark had sent to
her, Claudia decided it wasn't so disappointing, really. It was
"terrific" to hear from her, after all. Plus, there was that
heartening
. . . don't we?
We have a lot to catch up on, don't
we? 
That would indicate that they were in this together, that they
have a shared goal. After all, Mark was a man. Men aren't good at expressing
their feelings. She should give him a break.

For shame!
she
thought. Why was she being so hard on him? He had a lot more to lose than she
did by embarking on an affair with her. He was allowed to be cautious and feel
his way. This relationship was going to have to teach her patience. She began
to write her message.

Hi again, Mark –

I think I should get in about one
o'clock. Does that sound all right to you? If so, please send me another
message this evening with the name and address of the place so I can get
directions.