Unlovable (45 page)

“
I wish you hadn’t witnessed
that,” Cole said, resetting the last monitor. “It’s difficult
enough having someone you love in the hospital, but seeing us
working on them like that can be traumatic.”

“
She isn’t going to live
much longer, is she?” I dropped into a chair in the corner of the
room.

“
No, she’s not. I’m sorry,
Maggie, I doubt she’ll last through the night. Virtually every one
of her bodily systems has failed now.”

“
Can you take her off the
drugs? I’d like to try and talk to her one last time.” My voice
sounded detached, I was unsure of how much more I could take. The
sleep I so desperately needed would not be happening for a
while.

“
We took
her off them yesterday. Maggie, research suggests people in comas
can often hear us, by all means, talk to her.” I did have some
things to say to her, but what I wanted most in the world was to
hear her say she loved me. I wanted to
hear
her voice the words she had
only written to me a few times. I didn’t tell that to Cole, I
didn’t tell that to anyone.

Everyone left the room, even Seth. He
seemed to sense my need to be alone with her. He knew me better
than my own mother. I went to her bedside and took her delicate
hand carefully into mine. The veins were visible through her almost
translucent yellowed skin.

“
Mom, can you hear me? I
love you.” I kissed her hand gently, there was no response. I again
pleaded with her to open her eyes. Still nothing. Numbness was
quickly taking up residence in my soul as I repeated my plea
several more times before giving up and sitting back
down.

The rhythmic sounds of the machines
were growing more and more irritating as the minutes past. Beeping
and beeping and beeping. Over and over and over again. It didn’t
take long for it to get on my nerves.

I slapped my hands over my ears.
“STOP!”

“
Maggie, we should go home
and get some sleep, you look awful,” Seth said, taking my
hand.

“
Thanks for the compliment.”
I was more than a little embarrassed by my outburst. “I didn’t see
you come in.”

“
Secret Agent Man, remember?
Poof.” He winked, and for once, my heart didn’t respond.

“
I don’t want to go, what if
she wakes up? You can go, I’ll be fine.” He frowned and left,
returning a few moments later with another recliner chair. He slid
it up next to mine and took my hand.

“
I
can go
. Sometimes you are just
ridiculous,” he said, kissing my palm. We sat for several hours
making small talk, since sleep was impossible with the alarms going
off constantly.

Around 4:00 A.M., things began
changing drastically. My mom started groaning and fidgeting around
in her bed. I quickly jumped to her side, carefully taking her hand
in mine again.

“
Mom, can you open your
eyes?” She groaned louder. After several minutes of coaxing, they
finally opened. The whites were yellowed and lined with red blood
vessels, and she seemed to be having trouble focusing.

“
Hi, mom, how are you
feeling?” My eyes filled with tears. She was finally awake! She
mumbled something incoherent and shut her eyes again.

I brushed some hair from her face,
“Mom, it’s me, Maggie. Can you open your eyes?”

“
Gaa waaa,” she whispered
weakly.

“
Did you understand her,
Seth?” I looked at him hopefully. “What did she say?”

The look in his eyes told me he
understood her only too well. He shook his head and replied, “No.”
A lie!

“
Mom, I love you.” The tears
were streaming down my cheeks. I knew it would only make her angry,
but they were impossible to stop.

“
Go waaay!” she said louder,
pulling her hand out of mine. This time I understood her. It felt
as if the air had been sucked from my lungs, and I stumbled back a
little.

“
Remember, Cole said her
liver is no longer functioning,” Seth reminded me. “It’s dumping
poisons into her system. He said it could cause delusions, and
don’t forget about all the drugs they’ve had her on since she’s
been admitted.” I knew he was trying to soften the harsh words she
was heaving onto me.

“
Mom, I love you,” I pleaded
this time. She wasn’t going to say it back, I knew it, and my heart
was breaking.

“
Drink!” she demanded. I put
an ice chip into her mouth, and she promptly spat it back out at
me.

“
No, Vodka! Stupid!” That
she said clearly, too clearly. “Go ’way!”

Seth’s lips were instantly at my ear
once more. “Maggie, she’s sick, we really should go.” He pulled at
me gently, only I couldn’t leave.

“
Mom, I love you. Please,
mom, don’t you love me?” I begged through my tears.

Her eyes looked into mine, and for an
instant, there was something there. Sorrow, or maybe even
love.

It was love all right, only it wasn’t
for me. “I love vodka! Now get me a drink or go ’way!”

Those were her last words. The
monitors started screaming once more, as her breathing turned
shallow and labored. Cole, along with his staff, came rushing in
and worked on her for over half an hour trying to bring her back.
He pleaded with Seth to take me out of the room, but I begged him
to let me stay, hoping she’d regain consciousness and say the words
I needed to hear.

But she didn’t.

33

“
I’m sorry, Maggie. I did
everything possible.”

“
I know, Cole. Thank you
very much.” I mindlessly patted his hand and walked out of the
room, shedding no tears. My heart was frozen solid; no pain was
getting in or out.

I couldn’t believe the amount of
paperwork there was to do after someone died. It was several hours
before we could leave the hospital.

Later that morning, Seth helped me
make funeral arrangements. Since she didn’t have any friends, I saw
no need for the expense of a full-blown funeral. I planned a
graveside service for late the following day, and of course, Seth
paid for everything.

Throughout the day, my mind replayed
her last few minutes repeatedly. I couldn’t stop it, nor did I try.
Seth walked around me as if I were a delicate piece of
china.

By the end of the day, exhaustion
owned me and sleep was my only escape, or so I thought.
Regrettably, the two hours of sleep I did manage were beset with
nightmares of my mom laughing and mocking me as she drank her
vodka. Giving up, I sat and watched some of Seth’s old movies the
rest of the night, alone.

The service was at 4:30 in the
afternoon. Aside from a preacher connected to the mortuary, Booker,
Cole, Seth, and I were the only ones there. The preacher offered
some kind words as we lowered her into the ground. My mind was
empty, my heart was still frozen, and not one tear fell from my
eyes throughout the service. In truth, my heart hadn’t hurt since I
plead for her love at the hospital. I also hadn’t slept more than
five hours over the past four days. I was actually enjoying the
zombie like feeling it produced. I didn’t want to think, or feel
anymore, emotions and feelings were overrated.

“
Maggie, would you like me
to give you something to help you sleep? You look exhausted.” I
yawned and shook my pounding head at Cole’s offer.

“
It was a nice service.”
Booker gave me a side hug and a quick peck on the head. “You look
bad. Have this boyfriend of yours take you home and put you to bed.
I’ve seen albinos with more color than you, and I won’t even
mention the dark circles around your eyes.” He seemed repulsed by
my face.

“
Good. Don’t mention them,
Garfield.”

Seth held my hand as we walked to the
car. I giggled aloud several times. “What’s so funny?” Seth
asked.

“
I have no idea,” I said
with another giggle. His face was unreadable, or maybe it was just
blurry. I really needed some sleep. “I want to sleep at my house
tonight.” He didn’t argue and drove straight to my
trailer.

I ambled around in the empty trailer,
hoping to find … I don’t know what. Closure? Peace, maybe? Only
neither was to be found, just unhappy memories. No matter where I
looked, I saw my mother drunk, which definitely didn’t bring me any
comfort. I wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and never come
out. Sleep. Sleep and never wake up.

“
I’m going to bed.” I could
feel my defenses growing weak, and I wanted to be alone when they
finally broke down. Besides, my head was pounding, and I couldn’t
stop yawning to save my life.

“
I can’t leave you here
alone, Maggie, we still have no idea where Alan is.”

I nodded. “You can sleep in my room,
It’s only fitting since I sleep in yours all the time.” I giggled
again, his face remained emotionless.

I walked slowly into my mother’s room
and knew instantly I’d made a big mistake. As the door shut,
my frozen heart began to crack, like a spring creek after winter,
sending horrendous jolts of pain through me. I didn’t bother
changing into my pajamas, instead I fall onto the bed, crying and
grasping at my broken heart. My mind replayed the last several
months over again in my half-crazed head: The almost attack in the
park, the Winter Festival Mirror Maze, Hillary trying to punch me,
and Zack smacking me around at school. I saw Bill Dreser, his body
pierced with the samurai sword, taking his last breath. I saw Sam
collapsing, and Booker yelling at me.

I heard all the cruel bitter words my
mother eructed at me daily. Haunting memories of her in a drunken
stupor, every day, falling, and screaming at me, repeatedly. I
clapped my hands over my ears as if I could block out her words,
but they still rang out crystal clear in my mind.

 
I could see her in the
hospital with tubes running everywhere. I heard her shrieking for
vodka and not for me as she died, sucking in her last haggard
breath, leaving me alone, all alone, never telling me she loved me,
only in some stupid letters.

Yet it wasn’t enough. I
wanted, no, I
needed
to hear her say it.

I jerked her pillow over my face in an
attempt to smother out the pain, only to be greeted by the stench
of alcohol instead. Then I realized how much the whole house reeked
of it. Living here every day, I rarely noticed it, but now that I’d
been away for a while, I realized the smell was all-encompassing.
Her bedding was especially saturated with the smell and it made me
sick.

I remembered seeing some
clean sheets on the closet floor, and through my pain, clawed my
way across the bed to the pile of linen. I picked the spare sheets
off the floor and a half-empty bottle of vodka slipped out from
underneath, stopping at my feet. I picked it up and held it,
mindlessly twisting it around in my hands. My fist wrapped tight
around the neck of the bottle, and my eyes clamped shut.
No more pain
, I
begged.
Please stop
.

A small flicker of joy entered my
bleeding heart. Seth. I squeezed my eyes together tightly, and in
my mind, I saw his smiling face, his kind eyes filled with love for
me.

In the same beautiful vision, he
exploded into a riot of blood. I screamed, smashing the bottle of
booze against the wall. I didn’t realize how close I stood to the
wall until shattered glass and alcohol splattered all over me. My
knees gave out, and I dropped to the floor. The door flew open and
Seth, Booker, and Cole stood soberly at the door.

“
Maggie, are you alright?”
Seth asked. He stood frozen, not coming near me.

“
Don’t force her, Seth,”
Cole said.

“
Don’t force her? What are
we supposed to do, watch her die?”

“
No, Booker, however, force
isn’t the answer to everything either. We need to let her work
through this. Just talk to her. We’ll stop her if it becomes
dangerous,” Cole said. I watched as Booker rolled his head back
angrily.

What in the world were they talking
about? Don’t force me to do what? I shook my pounding head in
confusion. My frozen heart was now completely thawed, flooding me
with pain, too much pain, and I desperately wanted it to stop. I
began rocking back and forth, it was somewhat
comforting.

“
Why didn’t she love me? Why
am I such an unlovable nothing? What’s so wrong with me? Why did
she love her booze more than me?” I pounded my fists on my knees,
blurting my questions out in rapid succession. Not allowing anyone
to answer my pleas, I continued.

“
I was a good girl. I cooked
for her and cleaned the house every day. I studied hard at school
and got good grades, all in hopes of pleasing her. I never made
trouble, ever. I didn’t drink, or do drugs. I didn’t sleep with
boys, either, in hopes of making her proud of me. Yet still I
didn’t matter to her. I
am
an unlove—”

“
Maggie, please don’t do
this. I love you,” Seth said.

Looking into his green eyes, I saw
they were ringed with tears. I was hurting him with my words,
something I didn’t want to do.