Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life (2 page)

If this is you, I’m so glad you’ve come to me, so I can tell you, in as many ways as I know how, that that is not what your life is supposed to be! We were all born with the desire and the right to be happy. But somewhere along the way many of us got trained—by family, friends, religion, society at large, whoever—to believe that the human condition is predominantly one of suffering. And if we’re not happy, it’s just because “that’s the way things are.” That is
the greatest lie ever told
.

We’re taught to settle, and we’re made to feel guilty if we single-mindedly go after something we want. We go on to believe that our desires are selfish. That our self-love is arrogant and pompous. All our joy and innocence are stripped away as we’re programmed like androids to live lives of servitude and “responsibility.” Too many of us buy into the idea that there are rules to how this life works, and dues that must be paid.

We grow up being told that if we behave and play by the rules, the good life will happen for us in some vaguely defined future. Parents preach this in the home. Teachers preach it in the classroom. Bosses preach it in the workplace. This belief is handed from generation to generation to generation. But for most of us happiness never comes. That’s because society is built on the repression of individual desires. In the distant past it would have been impossible to maintain any kind of social order unless people thought they
had
to take on the jobs and responsibilities that the society required. You know what I mean. Someone has to do all the crap jobs that no one wants.

Socialization is the transformation of the human organism into a person who functions in a social system. And the most effective method of socializing people is to make them identify so thoroughly with the social order that they can no longer imagine themselves breaking any of its rules. History has shown us that that’s super scary, right? In the past, socialization was enforced through rewards and punishments based on basic human needs for survival.
Step out of line, and we’ll kill you. Speak against the government or religion, and we’ll take away your livelihood so you can’t feed your family anymore
. These are extreme scenarios that, while unfortunately still playing out in many parts of the world, are far from our reality here. Times have changed, and most countries are democracies. So if you want to stop working at some shitty job, or accepting some shitty life, luckily no one is going to come kill you or take all your dough.

You might be thinking,
But if we all upped and started doing whatever we wanted, it would be anarchy!
Not true. Society
would
continue to function—it would just be forced to evolve. Let’s take a very basic example. Hypothetically say that all the train conductors in the country decided to quit their jobs and follow their dreams to open their own businesses. The economy would be just fine, and eventually so would the trains. Each of the new businesses would generate jobs and local income, and if we’re savvy
enough to put a man on the moon, I think we’re savvy enough to develop technology to run trains without conductors.

WAKE UP and think about it: society tells us it is okay to want things, but only within reason and at a price. We are allowed to want comfort, but in due time and within limits. A happy marriage with 2.5 kids and a picket fence is cool, but a sprawling estate on the California coastline, being married to the person of your dreams, doing what you love as a career?
Who the hell do you think you are?

Imagine a college student saying, “I want to be a billionaire by the time I graduate.” You and I both know that most people would call that student an upstart and say that was an outrageous, arrogant statement. People would smack that kid down! The attitude, from parents, teachers, and society, would be “Who are you? That’s not how life works. You have to pay your dues like the rest of us.” And maybe the student would let it affect him or her—or maybe not. Clearly the founders of YouTube—Chad Hurley, Steve Chen, and Jawed Karim—chose not to let anyone smack them down, and they ended up selling their company to Google for a cool $1.65 billion. (And the founders of Facebook, MySpace, and Google wouldn’t be smacked down either.)

Let’s be clear, I’m not saying money buys happiness, but these successful innovators are not just people with money. They are people who made money doing what they love.

Ask yourself this: how much deprivation, how much self-effacement must you suffer before you act on your desire for meaning and fulfillment, before you thrive in your life instead of barely surviving it?

Now, don’t get me wrong. You can’t skip the process of learning. You
do
have to go to medical school before you can practice medicine. But there’s no rule saying you can’t be the best brain surgeon in the entire world upon graduation. The truth is, there are no rules. Period. Anything is possible if you have the knowledge and do the work. In fact, not only is it possible, it’s critical!

We are here to cultivate our passion, fulfill our dreams, and take this exquisite experience called life to its apex. The human condition isn’t about suffering—it’s about achieving and being all that we can be. Sure, suffering is a part of life, but it’s not all there is. Its counterpart is joy!

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

—
KAHLIL GIBRAN

Suffering and joy are connected, and though we will inevitably experience pain, joy is our true destination, and the right of the human spirit.

Unleashing our passion and pursuing the things we want bring us to our truth, allowing us to become whole and to make our dreams into reality (or as some would put it, to “manifest our destiny”). Ultimately, that is what you owe the world. When you are healthier and happier, you are in the best position to give back to your loved ones and to the world at large.

I’m sure some of you are thinking,
I wasn’t brought up like this. I was taught to be humble and accept my lot
. Yeah? Well, so was I. Let’s be clear: wanting things and feeling worthy of a great life do not mean you think you are more deserving or better than everyone else. We are
all
deserving of happiness. Those of us who throw off society’s conventions to attain our goals are showing others that it’s possible for them as well. Don’t mistake healthy ego strength and prosperity for greed and ostentation.

People may try to shake your resolve, but be strong. Don’t cave—lead by example. People can be slow to change, but they’ll follow your lead eventually. Even if they don’t, do not compromise your happiness because of others’ lack of insight. You owe it to yourself and to the wider world to max out your potential.

We could spend a lot of time pondering how we’ve been
programmed to believe we have to settle for less, and how this fallacy has infiltrated our collective psyche. But seriously, what’s the point?

Let’s save ourselves some time here, kick the
shoulds
of life to the curb, and call bullshit on this pernicious piece of dogma. Listen to me very carefully: it’s time to start living your life the way God, or (insert whatever greater power you believe in here), intended—HAPPILY.

Got it? Good.

DREAM IT, DO IT

Think about it: there
are
happy people in this world. Some people’s dreams really
do
come true; I’m living proof. Real happiness exists for some, so why not you? I love to use Oprah as an example, because her experience speaks louder than any counterarguments you could give me. She was a poor, sexually abused African-American kid, growing up at a time when racism was still a painful reality. Now she’s one of the most powerful women in the world. She made it to where she is without a single starting advantage. If she can be that successful, why can’t you? Absolutely nothing makes her different from you in any way that makes
her
level of success unattainable by
you
, if you were to decide you wanted it.

I’m not saying you have to be a mogul or an icon to be happy and fulfilled. I’m just saying that when it comes to success—whatever that might mean to you—the sky’s the limit. Quite literally, if you can dream it, you can have it—provided you’re willing to do the work.

Sadly, although dreaming should come as naturally to us as breathing, many of us have forgotten
how
. We’ve become terrified to hope, paralyzed by thoughts of failure, ashamed of our desires—for no good reason. By muting our hearts’ desires, we lose the ability to listen and guide ourselves toward our true purpose. We end
up going about our lives quietly and somewhat comfortably numb, not experiencing the lows but not experiencing the highs either. We’re not really living—we’re merely existing. That’s just plain wrong. And it’s the first thing we’re going to change together.

As we are sentient human beings, our ability to dream is one of our greatest gifts and freedoms. No one but you can take your dreams away from you. It’s sad that so many of us have lost the ability to dream, because it’s what allows us to develop our innermost selves to be in tune with the natural harmony and abundance of the universe. Now when I say “natural harmony and abundance of the universe,” please don’t think I mean life’s going to be all rainbows and butterflies from this moment on. In fact, contending with hardship is often how we find our inner strength and our most authentic selves. Many of our greatest awakenings occur in the freefall of life. And please don’t take me for a fluffy New Ager—I happen to have a spiritual bent myself, but you don’t have to have one, or have discovered yours yet, to get everything there is to get out of this book. I’m also a science girl, as you’ll see in
Chapter 3
, and everything I’m talking about can be looked at from that perspective as well.

We were brought into this world at this time and place for a reason, and our one and only responsibility on this planet is to find out what that reason is, no matter how long it takes. The meaning of life is not some truth that is handed down to you—it’s something you create for yourself, by living authentically and by cultivating your passions in any and all circumstances. As Paulo Coelho, one of my favorite authors, said so beautifully in
The Alchemist
, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The only catch is figuring out what your passion is, what it is that you love to do. You may first have to relearn how to dream so you can identify what you really want out of life.

Some of us know what we want and always have. If this is you, you’re way ahead of the game—A+ for you, you get to pass Go, collect your $200, and move on to
Chapter 2
. Most of us don’t have this kind of clarity, though, which is how we end up feeling lost. Often
when I talk to people about pursuing their passion, they confide in me, with concern, shame, or panic, that they don’t know what they are passionate about. Don’t worry, this is a common problem.

A lot of us have shut down the part of ourselves that relates to and nurtures our joy and inherent passion. We’ve given up hope of enjoying life to the fullest because we’re scared of being perceived as selfish or ego driven, or because we’re afraid of disappointment. It can be scary to have dreams if you’re programmed to think that they won’t come true, or that you’re somehow a selfish ass if they do.

Others may feel that dreams are just for children, like unicorns or Santa Claus. Grown-ups don’t dream—we’re practical, we do what’s expected of us, and we follow a bunch of rules even though we can’t remember who told us to or why. (Yeah, that sounds pretty grown-up to me.) We hide this load of crap inside what I like to call a responsibility sandwich, but really it’s glorifying the idea of being a martyr—and just another way of trying to make a miserable life more palatable. Awesome. If this is you, no wonder you’re unhappy! You’re wildly off base and out of alignment with your higher calling—and that SUCKS.

Living life without a dream, an ultimate goal, is like being on a ship that’s lost at sea. Think about it. When you plan a trip, you need to factor a lot into your preparations: which direction you need to go; how far you’re going; how much fuel you’ll need; how much food you should bring; what clothes you should pack; and on and on. Seeing to all of these details prepares you for your journey and ensures that your trip will be smooth, right? But if you don’t have an end goal in mind, then how can you prepare? And as has been said before, failing to plan often means planning to fail.

Why not apply this principle to your life? If you don’t have an end in mind, how can you work on getting there? It’s a surefire way to get lost.

Some of you are going to tell me that there
is
no destination, that life’s in the journey. And while there is truth to that idea,
technically
you’re not on a journey if you don’t have a destination in mind. Without an end goal, you’re just engaged in an exercise of wheel-spinning. Sure, it takes a lot of energy and work, but there’s no real movement or progress. For your life to take the course it’s supposed to take, you have to get on the road first. Then you have to sit in the driver’s seat.

You know that saying “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans”? Well, that really is true. But the key to a successful life is that you’re making plans, actively pursuing a goal, putting positive and powerful energy into the universe, and staying open to what comes back to you. This is totally different from wandering aimlessly and hoping happiness will just find you. It won’t! You have to pursue it, actively and in good faith. (Hey, this is even in our Constitution. You want to mess with the Founding Fathers? I didn’t think so.)

Okay, so you get it. It’s important to know where you’re going, to have a goal. But how do you find out what your goal is? Like I said, most of us have forgotten how to dream for fear of disappointment, judgment, or whatever, so this is where I’m going to give you a little push. Nothing scary. I’ll provide just a few simple exercises to help you relearn how to cultivate your talent for dreaming and find exactly what you’re meant for. You do it by learning how to find meaning on scales large and small.