Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life (18 page)

What was going to keep it from happening again?

I took him aside and put some tough questions to him. What had been happening in his life when he lost the weight before? What had been happening when he put it back on? How many years had this cycle been going on? Did any pivotal events coincide
with his original weight gain? I grilled him and wouldn’t let him get away with half-assed answers.

If you watch the show, I’m sure you’ve seen me do this before. Without fail, the contestants reach for easy, noncommittal answers: “I don’t know” or “I can’t remember.” But those aren’t answers! Those are the self-defense mechanisms that we all use to shield ourselves from unpleasant truths. Sometimes we need to dig out the unpleasant truths in order to liberate ourselves from whatever is holding us back. Once you start digging, you’ll find the answers are right there, waiting for you to unearth them.

So back to my contestant. I kept up the third degree with him until he was at the point of mental and emotional exhaustion. It was kind of like an interrogation scene from a spy movie, only without the torture. (Contrary to what some people might think, I do draw the line somewhere!) Finally the answers came pouring out of him, and the sad secrets of his past saw the light of day for the first time in fifteen years.

It turned out that he had had an older sibling who became ill and died when he was in his late teens. That was when his weight gain started. His parents had shuffled him from one relative to another while trying to take care of their sick child. While they were doing the best they could under unbearable circumstances, my poor contestant felt that his whole world had vanished—all of a sudden, not only was his sibling suffering from a life-threatening illness, but he had lost the security of being home with his parents. That and the actual death was a lot of loss for anyone to deal with, let alone a fourteen-year-old kid.

When we experience such loss, sadness isn’t the only emotion we feel. This contestant also struggled inwardly with anger—at God for letting this happen to his brother, at his brother for dying, at his parents for abandoning him. Then came shame—shame that he was angry. He must be a horrible person to feel angry—after all, he wasn’t the one who’d lost his life. He also felt guilt and shame that he had lived. And that shame was the root of his self-loathing.

To cope with all his feelings—loneliness, guilt, sadness, anger—he began compulsively overeating. That of course only added to the burden of shame he was carrying around. Sure he’d try to get healthy, but whenever he’d get close to his ideal weight, he’d self-sabotage, because deep down he still felt he had to atone for being a bad person, for living, and so on. Needless to say, the longer this went on, the deeper the original feelings of anger and shame got buried, and the worse the cycle became.

Pretty heavy, right? But the thing is, once he really looked at where his struggles with weight originated, he was able to take the necessary steps to heal and move on. No longer at the mercy of his stifled emotions, he was able to recognize the triggers of his unhealthy habits and sabotaging behaviors. He went back and grieved his original hurt without feeling ashamed. He came to learn that his feelings were justified and need not be buried. This allowed him to work through those feelings and release them, then begin to build up his self-esteem from there. He was no longer putting a minefield between himself and his health.

Self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you like yourself, the more you begin to act in likable ways. The more you believe you are able to achieve something, the more likely you are to do so. “You achieve what you believe.” You know I love a cliché. Self-esteem gives you the power to exude the confidence, ability, and assertiveness you need to drive yourself toward your full potential and toward physical and emotional well-being.

So what do you do if you have buried, diminished, or misplaced your self-esteem? Fortunately, there are steps you can take to build and strengthen it. Before we begin, let’s take inventory of your self-esteem today. I’ve put together a little quiz that will help you figure out where you fall on the scale of self-loathing to self-love, and assess how much you’re undercutting yourself with guilt, shame, anger, and self-deprecation. Your answers will shed light on the issues that need working on, to better focus your restorative energy. Let’s do it!

From Self-Loathing to Self-Love

  
1. Most of the time I am:

a) Happy or content

b) Sad and angry

c) Numb and depressed

  
2. Whether I am celebrating a success or comforting myself after a bad day, I reward myself with a self-destructive behavior like bingeing, compulsive spending, or drinking too much:

a) Rarely

b) Frequently

c) All the time

  
3. I am able to communicate my needs to my family, friends, and coworkers:

a) All the time

b) Frequently

c) Rarely

  
4. When I make a mistake:

a) I allow myself to feel disappointed, then learn from it so I can reapproach the problem and solve it.

b) I am furious with myself and will make sure I win next time.

c) I am devastated and fear trying again.

  
5. I care what others think:

a) Hardly ever

b) Frequently

c) All the time

  
6. I hate to look in the mirror:

a) Rarely

b) Frequently

c) All the time

  
7. I have trouble asking others for help:

a) Rarely

b) Frequently

c) All the time

  
8. I speak negatively about myself—call myself fat, stupid, lazy, etc.:

a) Rarely

b) Frequently

c) All the time

  
9. I do nice things for myself:

a) All the time

b) Frequently

c) Rarely

10. I apologize:

a) Only when the problem is directly my fault

b) Frequently, even if the issue isn’t directly my fault

c) All the time. Even if I just bump into someone by accident, I say “sorry” instead of “excuse me.”

11. If my food is not prepared well, or if the order is wrong at a restaurant:

a) I send it right back.

b) I apologize to the waiter and ask if they wouldn’t mind fixing it.

c) I say nothing and eat it anyway.

12. When people ask me to do things, and I don’t want to do them or don’t have time, I do them anyway because I don’t want to disappoint people and prefer to put everyone else’s needs before my own. (Examples: doing carpool for the neighbor, picking up your uncle from the airport, volunteering at your nephew’s school—all in the same week, sometimes the same day.)

a) Rarely

b) Frequently

c) All the time

13. I went on a job interview, but I didn’t get the job, so:

a) I asked the interviewer for feedback, analyzed where I could improve my answers or interview style, trusted that everything happens for a reason, and knew that there would be other opportunities.

b) I knew I wasn’t smart enough for that job. It was out of my league, and I shouldn’t have applied for it.

c) I panicked and feared that I would never work again.

14. When I am complimented:

a) I accept the compliment and say thank you.

b) I get uncomfortable.

c) I negate the compliment.

15. I am comfortable expressing my angry or sad feelings:

a) All the time

b) Frequently

c) Rarely

16. I actively pursue relationships with people I like:

a) All the time

b) Frequently

c) Rarely

17. When a friend or acquaintance gets a promotion or falls in love, I feel:

a) Thrilled for them and inspired by their happiness

b) A little envious, but I know my time will come

c) Sick with jealousy

SCORE:
Add up as follows: (a)=1, (b)=2, (c)=3

RESULTS

17–21 AWESOME:
Wow! Really? Good for you! You have a very strong sense of who you are and your value in this world, and you don’t live small for anyone. You respect yourself and aren’t jealous or envious of those around you. You are secure about asking for help because you know you are worth it and that you will one day pay it forward. You lead a balanced, happy life, and when the opportunity arises to grow and improve yourself, you’re always ready.

22–29 PRETTY GOOD:
You’re doing better than most. You know who you are and what you’re about. For the most part you feel deserving, and more often than not you put pursuit of happiness at the top of the list. You can get stuck in a rut, but you work hard to dig your way out of it. You are secure enough to work on yourself and will lean on friends and family when you absolutely have to, because you know that when their time of need comes, you can also be supportive.

30–40 NOT SUPER:
You aren’t a total mess, but you sure have room for a little healthy ego strengthening. You can be critical and unforgiving of yourself. You find your value by facilitating other people’s happiness and often put their needs before your own. You are quick to take the blame when things go wrong, and you tend to get in your own way by not allowing yourself room for mistakes or time to learn from them.

41–51 REALLY CRAPPY:
My heart is breaking for you. Feel that? It’s me coming through the pages and giving you a giant hug. You have no sense of self-worth. You allow the whims of others to define you. You rarely do anything for yourself, and your whole identity is about pleasing others, no matter how much of yourself you have to repress to do it. You beat yourself up and pick yourself apart at every opportunity. This is a horrible way to exist. I hope you are really paying attention to this book, ’cuz buddy, you need it.

———

Do
not
be bummed if you did poorly. This test isn’t designed to judge you. Its only purpose is to make you aware of your current state, to get you thinking and ready to focus on living your best life. And hey, even if you did as badly on the quiz as it’s possible to do, if you bought this book, it means that you recognize something is off and you’re already taking steps to change it.

Okay, now that we have established where your heart and your head are, we’re ready to get going with some simple methods to help you build, nurture, and fortify your sense of self-worth. On the following pages I’ve outlined some basic thought exercises and have even included some activities you can do to help get you started. As you can see from the quiz results, even if you did great, we all have issues that we can work on and areas of our self-esteem that could do with a little bolstering.

This will not come easily or quickly. Unfortunately, self-esteem doesn’t come in pill form—
you
have to build it for yourself, and it is going to take some hard and solitary work on your part. It’s sort of like a workout regimen for your spirit—it’ll take some time, and no one else but you can do it. Of course it helps a hell of a lot to have loving, supportive people in your life cheering you on and telling you you’re awesome, but at the end of the day the onus of connecting to and nurturing your inner value falls on you and you alone.

I can tell you that you are unlimited until the cows come home (what does that mean, anyway?), but it only matters if
you
believe it. It
will
come if you are diligent.

Don’t be put off by the effort involved. Is there anything more important than your relationship with yourself? I don’t think so. After all, it’s the one thing you can control and it controls all you do.

One last thing: I want to tell you to be prepared for some ups and downs.

Like the pursuit of any worthwhile goal, you may find that you backslide—don’t beat yourself up. You know the five-steps-forward, three-steps-back drill. Remember that success is largely a matter of attrition, of just “showing up” (thank you, Woody Allen). So be patient and loving with yourself, and keep showing up. Even if you don’t feel that what you’re doing is having an effect, it is. Have a little faith—I know what I’m talking about.