Unknown (19 page)

On the children's ward neither she nor Lindsay had time to finish putting everything in the notes and simply had to dump the charts back onto the trolley and hurry after Neil, calling out to the nurses that they'd be back later to fill in the details.

'Dr Ryan, wait.' One nurse came hurrying after them. 'Jason Dolan. The head injury boy. His mother's on the telephone. Can he go home?'

Merrin scrambled through her notebook, finding the child's name but unable to read what she'd scrawled down on the round. She didn't even remember which child he'd been. She was too tired and they'd had too many admissions the day before for her to remember for sure. Lindsay's bewildered shrug suggested that she felt the same. 'Douglas! Prof!' She called out, stopping the two men who'd gone on ahead. 'Jason Dolan? Can he go home?'

'How am I supposed to remember?' Douglas looked tight-lipped. 'So far this whole day's a blur. What did you write down? Was he the little one?'

'He's the six-year-old in bed eleven.' Neil regarded them impatiently. 'Yes, he can go home,' he said tightly. 'No follow-up.'

'And Mary Coogan?' the nurse added.

'Mary Coogan in bed two stays. The appendix child in bed three goes. Stitches out tomorrow GP. Mathieu Reynolds in bed six needs his X-rays reviewed then he can go.'

The nurse was writing everything down. 'The child with the curls in bed nine should be referred to the paeds team for advice on his asthma management; we'll do his hernia when that's under control,' the consultant continued fluently. 'Duncan Ellis in bed twelve, no change. The child in side room four needs his dressing changed and that bottom stitch needs to come out.' He went through every patient they had on the unit in the same ordered, precise way.

'Thanks, Professor McAlister.' The nurse finished writing. 'That's exactly what we needed to know.'

She turned and left but no one else moved. 'What the hell's going on?' Neil demanded. 'Why am I the only one who knows anything?'

'You were too fast,' Merrin said huskily, wincing at the cold disapproval in the grey regard that swung to her. 'Today we couldn't keep up.'

'Not, Prof, that we're not all delighted to have you back with us on full form finally,' Douglas said sulkily, 'but, please, remember that we're mere humans. We can't all think and move at the speed of light. There's only three of us. If you want fast, get six.'

'We're tired, Prof.' Lindsay spoke quickly, her tone far more conciliatory, the look she sent the registrar puzzled. 'Sorry. But they're right about you going too fast.'

'Are there any questions left about anybody we've seen this morning?' he demanded icily.

'Some of Orange Ward was confusing,' Merrin admitted thickly, feeling herself shaking. 'I'm sorry. I got bleeped away twice. I don't think I managed to write everything down.'

'Then we'll go back.'

They didn't go back around the patients but merely through the list on the board at the nursing station where he reminded them of his examination findings and what he wanted.

'Mrs Corby's histology Duke's B. Tumour into the sub-serosa but not through the serosa, no nodes, no metastases,' he said, referring to grading systems which classified bowel tumours.

Merrin knew that Mrs Corby's staging, with the tumour confined to the bowel wall and no evidence of spread, suggested around a ninety per cent chance of a complete cure.

'Staples out today and home today,' Neil added crisply. 'Review in clinic six weeks.'

There was a brief silence. 'Anything else?'

'No.' Feeling chastised, accepting now that despite their personal relationship the probationary time he'd promised her at the beginning of her attachment appeared to have passed, Merrin kept her eyes downcast. 'Thank you,' she murmured. 'We'll try harder next time.'

'Next time tell me,' he said tersely. 'If you miss anything I want to know before we move on to the next patient.'

There was another brief silence then he turned away from them. 'Doug and Lindsay, five minutes,' he said tightly. 'Outpatients.'

'Wow!' Lindsay rolled her eyes expressively once he'd gone. 'That was scary.'

'Well, we're all tired and he's very busy today.' Despite the fact that she was still trembling, Merrin defended him automatically, doing her best to ignore Douglas's ill-concealed scepticism. 'I'm sure he'll go slower next time.'

'I'm going down,' Lindsay said gingerly. 'Better not be late after that. Coming, Doug?'

'In a minute.' Douglas was watching Merrin. He waited for Lindsay to leave. 'Naturally he's also frustrated because his sexy little house officer spent her night on call instead of in his bed. Merrin, you're crazy. You're letting him play God with your career.'

'I don't understand you, Douglas.' Keeping her eyes lowered, she collected a pile of notes and discharge letters and went to the office, conscious of him behind her. 'Why are you being like this? And don't tell me you're jealous because I know you're not interested in me.'

'He's using you.'

'So what?' She felt her face flame. 'It's none of your business.'

'Someone has to talk some sense into you.'

'I know what I'm doing.'

'There's no way you'll get a surgical job here now. You'll be pushing it to get a job anywhere in London! Ever heard of the casting couch? He's the bloody Professor of Surgery, for God's sake. Everyone knows him. They'll say he pulled strings. You're good, Merrin, very good. You could go far, but no one will ever believe it if this gets out.'

'Don't be ridiculous.' She pulled open the first set of notes. 'I thought you liked him. I thought he was your mentor. I thought you thought he was the greatest surgeon to walk the earth. Why are you doing this?'

'Let's just say that knowing the great man's...bedding his house officer has taken a little of the gloss off my hero-worship,' he said bitterly. 'If it was anything more, I'd be delighted. We all would. God knows, after what he's been through he deserves it. But it's not, is it? This isn't some deliriously happy love affair. You're just his secret, sordid little
lay.
It won't damage him but your career's on the line. How can you let him do this to you?'

'I'm not going to talk about this with you,' Merrin said stiffly. 'Thank you for being concerned about me but it's unnecessary. I want this. It was my choice. I know exactly what I'm doing and I can manage my own life.'

'Someone needs to be reminded of his responsibilities,' he grated, wheeling about, obviously determined to ignore her. 'His
professional
responsibilities. You're his bloody house officer! This has got to stop.'

It was
a long day. Merrin didn't have time to get to clinic and both Douglas and Lindsay were away all afternoon at St Joseph's and she did the evening round alone with Neil.

'Douglas is threatening to sue me for sexual harassment,' he said dryly later when they were alone in his office. He gently tugged her hair away from her face and gathered it behind her into a ponytail then kissed her exposed cheek and neck. 'On your behalf since I've corrupted you too much for you to see sense yourself:'

'Poor Douglas.' She lifted her head appreciatively, giving his seeking mouth access to her throat. 'He means well but he'll look silly in court. Didn't you tell him that it was me who harassed you?'

'He wouldn't believe it.' He trailed one finger down into the V of her blouse. 'You're the innocent maiden and I'm the big bad wolf.'

'I like that.' She laughed when he bit softly at her throat. 'Let's do that. It's sexy.' But then she caught his head and held him, looking at him hard. 'Douglas worships you,' she whispered. 'You've been too hard lately. Go easy on him. You're his hero. He's just...shocked by this. He'll get over it.'

'He's concerned for you. He can be concerned. I understand that.
I'm
concerned for you.' He twisted his head and kissed her palm. 'I told him if he lays a finger on you he's dead.'

Merrin withdrew her hand sharply. 'You're mad.'

'I'm a man.' He kissed her hard, then bundled her out of the room. 'Move. Home. It's been two days. I want you.'

Things were easier on the wards the following week. They were quieter for a start, and Merrin saw that Neil took more care on the ward rounds to ensure they kept up. Whether or not Douglas appreciated the effort wasn't obvious—the registrar's mood seemed to alternate between petulant and brooding—but Lindsay, at least, was happy.

'Profs great lately,' she declared after their morning round the following Friday. 'We all know that you've turned into the world's greatest grump, Doug, but he's terrific. Yesterday in Theatre we had music and he was joking and we were all laughing. He's like he was years ago. It's like he's got his old enthusiasm back.'

'For God's sake, wake up, Lindsay.' Merrin could tell from the look the registrar sent her that he was in one of his brooding moods. 'Don't tell me you still haven't cottoned on.'

Merrin tensed. 'Doug—'

'What?' Lindsay put a hand on Merrin's arm as if to silence her. 'Come on, you two. I'm sick of this. There's a conspiracy somewhere here. What's happening?'

'The great Professor and our little house officer,' Douglas said flatly. 'Like rabbits.'

Merrin recoiled, shocked by the obscene image the registrar's words had provoked, but before she could say anything Lindsay's mouth dropped open.

'You're kidding,' she said hoarsely. 'What?'

'Ask her.' Douglas looked unrepentant. 'Talk some sense into her, Lindsay. No one else can.'

'Shut up, Doug.'

'Merrin...?' The other doctor looked incredulous. 'Really? I had no idea. No wonder he's so... Are you...all right?'

'I'm fine.' Merrin gathered her notes together. 'Thanks, Douglas. Terrific. Just what I needed. Shouldn't you both be in Day Surgery?'

She knew that that wouldn't be the end of it for Lindsay.

But aside from telling the SHO to mind her own business— hard when she liked Lindsay so much and when she knew that the older doctor would merely speak out of concern for her—she didn't know how else to deal with her opposition.

She avoided the canteen and McDonald's at lunchtime but the SHO found her alone in the doctor's office on Orange Ward. 'Merrin, Doug and I have been talking,' she said hesitantly. 'We're really worried for you. I mean, I can understand why you're doing this, of course I can. He's...amazing, but what about your career? This might not be good for you, you must know that.'

'Douglas exaggerates,' Merrin told her. 'At the very worst, I'll simply do something other than surgery.'

'Are you...in love?'

'Of course I am,' Merrin said crisply. 'But he's not. Lindsay, please, don't do this to me.'

'You're going to get hurt.'

She met her look unflinchingly. 'I know that.'

'You'll never be able to forget him.'

'I know that, too.'

'So what about the future? I mean, not just the damage you could be doing to your career, but what about life? Real life, outside the hospital. A husband and babies, a family. You've said you want all those things. But how are you going to find another man you can love like him?'

'I won't.'

'So what does that mean?'

'It means that hopefully one day after Neil I'll find a nice man whom I'm very fond of and we'll have a family together,' Merrin said quietly. 'And we'll all be happy and that will be fine.'

'You're mad.' Lindsay looked appalled. 'That's awful. You can't marry someone because you're
fond
of them. You'll make both your lives hell.'

'Then perhaps I'll never get married,' she countered.

'And this is all stupid and hypothetical. It doesn't matter right now. Stop, Lindsay. That's enough. I don't need any more lectures. You've made your point.'

'Fair enough.' The older doctor eased herself off the desk. 'I won't mention it again,' she said stiffly. 'I'll be in clinic.'

'Fine.'

But Lindsay was hesitating and finally, quietly, she said, 'What's he like?'

Merrin looked back down at her notes, blinking fast. 'Incredible. I love him so much it sometimes hurts to look at him. You understand, don't you?'

'Of course I do.' To her mingled surprise and relief, Lindsay hugged her, briefly but warmly. 'I'm a woman, aren't I? Doug and I just feel...protective of you.'

'I know.' Merrin sighed. 'It's all right. I know.'

She went to clinic. Now, after a month in the job, she was able to see patients on her own, usually those newly referred to Neil. Afterwards her job was to present a history and her examination findings to him before he saw the patients himself.

He seemed preoccupied. Totally professional, he barely looked at her, and when he did his regard was distracted and impersonal.

After the round, in his office, the look still hadn't gone. 'Merrin, this weekend's going to be hell,' he said flatly. 'I've got Doug's research to go over, this stuff to finish...' he gestured to his paperwork-covered desk and shelves '...and the surgical list audit figures have been analysed and there're decisions to be made. I have to cancel.'

'That's all right.' Since they'd been lovers it would be the first off-call weekend that they hadn't spent together but she understood the demands of his work. 'I need to do some study myself,' she told him quietly. 'I've been neglecting it lately.'

'See you Monday.' He held her shoulders but simply pressed a kiss to her cheek.

She spent most of Saturday in the library, and Mr Sanderson's house officer found her there on Sunday afternoon. 'You're mad,' he said flatly, grimacing at the anatomy atlas she had open. 'I'm only here because I'm on call. So, have you heard the latest gossip?'

Merrin felt the colour drain out of her face, but the other doctor's grin was too open for him to have meant anything about her and Neil. 'About what?'

'Mr Sanderson.' He drew a finger sharply across his throat. 'He's had the chop. Yesterday. According to him he's retiring but Fiona heard that it was the audit figures. Apparently he's been claiming NHS hours when he's been in private, plus travelling costs for theatre lists and clinics which he never bothers turning up for. Profs covering the rest of the weekend. He's organised for a new surgeon to start next week.'