Unidentified Funny Objects 2 (6 page)

“Fine, fine.” Naphtheena chomped her toenails off. “Now conjure up that painting on the double so I can be on my—”

“Just as soon as you’ve done the same to the talons on your forepaws.”

“Talons… off… my…” Naphtheena’s cheeks began to swell and shift hue to a darker part of the spectrum.

“Mmm, it looks like we’re going to have to do something about those fangs of yours as well.” He waved his hands and a hideous appliance made of black gum appeared. “Just stick this in your mouth before you go through the Great Gateway and one of my colleagues will fix it in place for you with a sealing spell that is guaranteed to release its hold the moment your paws touch the soil of your destination. Well, virtually guaranteed. Since this is our first day, the thaumatic technology might have a few bugs in it, and maybe a scorpion or two, but you can always contact our main office with any complaints.”

“I am not putting that loathsome lump of goo in my mouth,” Naphtheena said. “And you can’t make me.”

“Certainly not.” The wizard was unruffled. “Nor can you make us approve your request to fly to—” He peered at the open scroll before him. “—Yvitelli, was it?—” He looked up at the dragon with an amiable expression. “—ever.”

Naphtheena’s wings sagged. “I’ll wear the dumb fang-capper. Now can we move this along? I’ve trimmed my hind talons, I’m going to nip off my forepaw talons—”

“Yes, yes.” The wizard nodded. “And once you’ve done that, Master Runcible over there is going to have to run his hands all over your wings, to make sure you’re not one of those dragons who have spikes growing on them. Terribly dangerous things, spikes. And then we’ll have Master Dagmar—he’s the skinny one at the end of the line—pass that special wand along every one of your scales. And 
then
we’ll just have you pop into the Booth of Revelation, so we can see if you’ve got anyone in your vestibular paunch, because we both know it’s not conducive to a safe flight if you’re carrying unaccounted-for weight.”

“But this will take forever!” Naphtheena wailed. “And if you detain me past my assigned departure time,
you’ll
be the ones to suffer for it!” An unusual swelling developed along her flanks. “I’ll devour you!” More spark-flecked steam spurted from Naphtheena’s jaws, to be casually deflected by the blandly smiling wizard. “And it will be 
legal
!” Now vast clouds were erupting from other orifices, both fore and aft. “And do you know what? At this very moment I would happily give up any chance of ravaging the kingdom of Yvitelli just to have the supreme joy of turning you and all your colleagues into
brunch
!”

“Well naturally that’s all true,” said the wizard affably. “Provided that we were detaining you
without just cause
.”

He passed a small leather folder to the simmering dragon. Naphtheena skimmed the contents. They were mostly boilerplate mumbo with a dollop of legalese jumbo, but dragons make very good lawyers and she extracted the gist readily: this new order of Grand Gateway wizards had received miraculously instantaneous imprimatur from both their Council and her Union.

“All right,” she grumped as she returned the folder. “You can make me miss my flight window and get off scot free. I don’t care. I’m a dragon. I’ve lived for thousands of years and there’s plenty more where that came from. I’ll simply re-file the parchmentwork and come back here another day. When I do, I’ll make sure to leave myself an excess of temporal wiggle-room to jump through all of your hoops. I will get to Yvitelli, I promise you that. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for—”

“Pardon me, but you’re holding up the line,” the wizard interrupted. “And you are doing so
without just cause
, taking up our organization’s valuable time with your needless ranting.”

“Then I’ll step out of line and—” Naphtheena’s pulse became so strong and rapid that it sounded as if she were harboring a village drum corps in her gizzard.

“I’m afraid we can’t allow that. It would be construed as suspicious behavior. We’d have to take you into custody for a full investigation. Are you allergic to wolfsbane? We do have gloves that are coated with monkshood instead, but wouldn’t it be simpler for everyone if you simply were a good little dragon and complied with the rules, used your permit to travel to Yvitelli, and got on with your life?” He glanced up at the sky, checking the angle of the sun, then returned his gaze to the scroll before him. “And sooner rather than later, before this does become a matter for 
very
deep internal investigation.”

A low, ominous rumbling began deep in Naphtheena’s entrails as she frantically snapped off her talons while at the same time urging the backup wizards to get a move on with their hands and wands and whatevers. In fact, she was making such a racket that the wizard at the podium had to shout to make himself heard when he said, “Oh, and one more thing: you’re going to have to put any gold coins you might be carrying into 
this
bowl and drain yourself of any venom into
this
one, and it can’t be more than three hogsheads’ worth of liquid, and put your hind paws on those two outlines over
there
, and put your forepaws on
that
, and if you’d just remove your shoes—”

Naphtheena could have pointed out that, as a dragon, she never wore shoes. She could have, but by that point all of her logical faculties were engulfed by a tidal wave of wrath: compelling, unstoppable, inevitable and, in the parlance of the Extemely Common Lingo, mind-blowing.

Dragons’ minds seldom blow alone. There was a loud report of a volume somewhere between 
pop!
and 
ka-PLOWIE!
The corps of officious wizards, the Grand Gateway, the waiting dragons, the barracks and even those hiding around the corner of same were all liberally splattered with bits of reeking azure dragon flesh. There wasn’t an un-gaping mouth in the vicinity, with one exception:

M’sieu Bertrand flicked a shred of the late Naphtheena’s pancreas off his tunic and smiled.

“It worked?” Trissa the enchantress goggled.

“It worked!” Prince Gomitino recovered from his initial shock and clapped his hands with glee.

“But of course,” said M’sieu Betrand. “Logically, it couldn’t help but to do so. After all, what did I tell you to summon by your spells, Ma’m’selle?”

“You said—” Trissa was still a little gobsmacked by what she had just witnessed. “You said to summon whatever cosmic force was exasperating, frustrating and maddening enough to make a dragon lose its temper, but you never
specified—”

“Nor did I need to. Some choices are best left to the cosmos itself, is it not so? And I think you must agree that the cosmos provided just what we needed.” He cocked his head at Prince Gomitino and extended one hand. “I believe fifteen per cent is customary, Your Highness, but in this case, wouldn’t you say—?”

Which was how a humble Sesinaypazoonpeepian waiter came to rule over twenty per cent of the lovely little realm of Yvitelli, which he renamed the Duchy of Sayrvicompri, though he still charged Prince Gomitino extra for the dragon’s biscotti.

Et voilá tout l’histoire.

Nebula Award winner Esther Friesner is the author of thirty-nine novels and over one hundred ninety short stories, in addition to being the editor of ten popular anthologies. Her works have been published in the United States, the United Kingdom, Japan, Germany, Russia, France, Poland and Italy. She is also a published poet and a produced playwright. Her articles on fiction writing have appeared in
Writer’s Market
and
Writer’s Digest Books
.

By J.W. Alden

From: Vaenala the Unbound

To: Kobe Thompson

Subject: this will not suffice

Mr. Thompson,

I received your parcel today. Considering the distance between us (by my reckoning, at least a thousand leagues as the crow flies), I feel honor-bound to thank you for the speedy shipping time. I'm afraid I cannot thank you for the contents of said package, however. This is clearly
not
the Lost Blade of Cragthor.

Had you at least done your research, you might have known that Cragthor was very particular about his weapons and how they were made. For one, you would not have caught him dead wielding anything but Vorlexian steel, which bears the telltale ripples and mottles of ancient pattern welding. If Vorlexian hands wrought this blade, I'm a halfling's uncle. It looks more like something out of a cutlery drawer. I suppose I will give you a point or two for attempting to recreate the runic markings left behind by the goblin blood Vorlexians dipped their weapons in, but for future reference: goblin blood is
black
, not red.

Now, I am a sensible being, Mr. Thompson. I will give you the benefit of the doubt here. I will assume this was all a simple mistake on your part, and that you did not intend to defraud me. If I melt it down, I may even be able to get some use out of this cheap facsimile. As such, I am prepared to keep the item "as is" in exchange for a 50% refund. We can call it a day with no feelings hurt, no spells cast, and no negative feedback left on anyone's profile. I think this is quite reasonable. What say you, sir?

~ Vaenala

From: Kobe Thompson

To: Vaenala the Unbound

Subject: RE: this will not suffice

Um im pretty sure item was listed as replica like new without wrapping but will issue small refund if thats what u prefer i guess

From: Vaenala the Unbound

To: Kobe Thompson

Subject: RE: RE: this will not suffice

Mr. Thompson,

I told you I was willing to be reasonable about this, but if you're going to insult my intelligence further, we can put a stop to this little mummer's show right now. While your message doesn't inspire much confidence that you are fluent in the common tongue, I assume you can at least read the words that
you
wrote in your own auction listing. For your convenience, I'll paste the entire description here:

LOST BLADE OF CRAGTHOR—GENUINE!!!

Very hard to find one of a kind from cragthr who killed teh demons at seleros and still has there blood on it!! feel a power as you hold this mighty sword!!1! happy bidding this is a steal come on

As you can see, the word "replica" appears nowhere in this description. You have the word "genuine" in the title, for hell's sake! I will admit your reference to Seleros should have tipped me off, as Cragthor never visited the lower wastes, to my knowledge. But that doesn't give you the right to defraud me. At least common brigands have the stones to take up arms when they want to rob you of something. While I might have flayed you alive had you gone that route, you'd at least have a slither of respect about you, if not honor.

Now, you claim your intent to issue a "small" refund. But I've been very clear about what I expect from you if you wish a civil end to this little palaver. You will refund half my gold, sir, and not a sovereign less. If I have not received such from you within a fortnight, I shall take this up with a higher power. What follows, I wash my hands of.

~ Vaenala

From: Kobe Thompson

To: Vaenala the Unbound

Subject: RE: RE: RE: this will not suffice

lol whatever

From: Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support

To: Vaenala the Unbound

Subject: RE: Item Not As Described (AUTOMATED REPLY)

Dear Ms. The Unbound,

Thank you for contacting Bid-o-Mancy customer support with your issue. We're sorry there was a problem with your transaction. When you filled out our correspondence form, you indicated that item #931179, "LOST BLADE OF CRAGTHOR—GENUINE!!!" did not arrive in the condition described by the seller on the auction listing. Before we escalate this case to our resolution center, we'd like to ask a few questions about your transaction:

Have you double-checked the auction listing to ensure you're not mistaken about the item's description? We've found that some users commonly mistake the "Like New" category for the "Brand New" category.

Have you contacted the seller about your problem? We prefer to give our members a chance to resolve things on their own before we arbitrate a dispute.

If you have, was the seller responsive?

Please reply at your convenience. Your case will be assigned a customer support representative from there. We apologize for any inconvenience you have suffered, and we hope to resolve your issue as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Bid-o-Mancy Customer Support