Unforgiven (Wanderers #3) (40 page)

“That’s not what I…” I paused trying to come up with
a better approach. “I love you Roman,” I blurted out.

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“I messed up. I know I did. I can’t go back and fix
it. People make mistakes. I’m not perfect and I don’t always do the
right thing or make the best decision. I just wanted you to know
that I never stopped loving you or thinking about you.”

“Then why did you leave!” he yelled. I flinched at
the power in his voice. “If you loved me so much why didn’t you
tell me what was going on? Something or anything would have been
better then you leaving without so much as a goodbye.”

“I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know how to
explain it to you. I didn’t want you to think I was leaving you
because I wasn’t. I only planned to find him. I just needed to know
he was alive.”

“And where is lover boy now?”

“He…he said it would be better if we were friends.
That I should go home and live my life as it was. Without him,” I
whispered, having a hard time choking out the words.

Roman threw his head back and laughed. “So lover boy
dumps you and you what, come crawling back to me expecting I’d take
you back, just like that?”

“No, that’s not it.” But wasn’t it? It was never my
intention to do that, but now that he said it it almost seemed as
if that was what I was doing.

His brows pinched together and I knew he was about to
lose it. “You have any idea what I went through? Not knowing what
happened to you or where you were? I thought Jack came back and
kidnapped you…I thought…” he stopped to collect himself. “It
doesn’t matter what I thought,” he said, straightening his spine.
He took a step out of the shadows and I saw how hard he was
struggling to keep it together.

“Roman I’m sorry,” I said, feeling the tears start to
drip down my face. “You deserve better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the
person you needed me to be. I won’t bother you anymore. I just
thought you should know that I never stopped loving you and I never
meant to hurt you.” I turned to walk away, not wanting him to see
me cry. He was behind me in a flash and I felt his hand on my
shoulder. I recoiled from the touch. His flesh was so hot against
my clammy skin. My reaction made him drop his hand. “I’m sorry.
It’s…I’m so cold and you’re so hot you burned me.”

“I would have understood if you just told me. I
wouldn’t have stood in your way.”

I took a step back to look in his eyes and I saw
nothing but sincere honesty. “How was I supposed to know that?”

“Because I was your boyfriend Ella. You should have
trusted me.”

“I did. I do trust you…I just didn’t want to hurt you
or worse…lose you,” I said, instinctively reaching for him.

“You already did lose me,” he said, walking away.

I panicked. I didn’t want it to end this way. This
wasn’t how it was supposed to go. “What about your promise,” I
called and he froze. “Your promise for no more arguing. That no
matter what happens from now on we’ll agree to disagree.” It was a
stretch but I got his attention.

“Ella that’s not fair.”

“Why not?”

“Because this is completely different. You slept with
someone else!”

Hearing it from his lips was more painful than
admitting it. “I did and no amount of apologizing is going to make
it right. I can tell you I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face, but
you will never get past the fact that I was with someone else.” It
was more of a statement than a question. “I just want to know, do
you still love me?” I asked, staring straight into his dark blue
eyes. Even if he said no I knew he was lying, but I had to hear him
say it. I could see it in his face, his eyes, the way his body
fidgeted, just like it did every time he wanted to wrap his arms
around me.

“I do love you,” he admitted, making my heart beat
double time.

“Why can’t we start over then?”

“I think we should get you back inside before you
freeze to death,” he said, ignoring my question.

I shook off his hand. “I’m fine. Answer my question.
Do you want to be with me?”

“Yes Ella…I still want to be with you.”

“Then why can’t we be together?” I placed my hands on
his chest, resisting the urge to pull away from the stinging it was
causing me.

He placed his hands gently over mine. “Ella, I want
to be with you, I do. I just can’t right now. I need some more
time.”

“I understand.” I pulled my hands away.

“Let’s get you inside.” He took my hand and led me
back to guest housing. He walked me all the way up to my room. I
didn’t want him to leave and when he let go of my hand I felt a
slight emptiness, a stabbing cold where his warm hand was.

We both stood there awkwardly for a moment not
knowing what to say. “What are your plans for tomorrow?” I
asked.

“Ella I –”

I knew he thought I was jumping the gun. I quickly
corrected him. “No, that’s not…I just, well…I talked to Mr.
Callahan about holding a memorial service for the students tomorrow
and I was hoping maybe you’d go with me?”

He sighed and I could tell he was struggling with his
answer. “Ella…” I looked up
,
hopeful. “I
can’t.” I looked away, scared I might start to cry again. “I think
what you’re doing is great and I will be there I just…I can’t. I
need time.”

“I understand,” I said, turning to open my door. I
looked back over my shoulder at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll be there,” he said and left. Our future wasn’t
promising, but at least he said he would be there tomorrow. I
closed the door behind me and fell on the bed. Our conversation
didn’t exactly go as I planned it, but still better than I
expected.

I got up and threw on a sweatshirt and then climbed
back into bed, pulling the covers up tight. I thought about the
talk with Roman and everything I had to do. I didn’t say everything
I wanted to but I still hoped that things between Roman and I would
work out. I held on to that hope while I closed my eyes and
rested.

I woke up in the morning feeling better. Gabe and I
were okay, I was setting up the memorial to honor the loved ones we
lost and Roman, well, he was at least talking to me – minus the
scowl – so to me that was a definite improvement from when I first
got back.

Aidan excused me from my classes even though from
what I heard we didn’t really do anything since everyone was
leaving. It was more like a really long study hall. Aidan told me I
could grab a few of my friends to help me out so of course I called
the gang – minus Dean because he would be no help.

Sienna, Riley, Cameron, and I worked on getting the
lanterns made while Justin and Dixon cleaned up the area around the
fountain. We set up torches and strung lights around the
surrounding area. When we were done I took a step back to look at
our work. I smiled. Cameron stood beside me and put her hands on my
shoulders. “You’re doing a good thing here Ella. I think this is
really gonna help.”

I smiled back at her, and wrapped my arm around her
waist. “Thanks Cameron, I think so to.”

I dug through my suitcase to try and find something
to wear. It was still fairly hot. So I dug through all the new
clothes my mom had bought me for my birthday. I found a nice,
pleated gray skirt and a short sleeved, dark blue top. Out of habit
I slipped on Josie’s knee high boots. I heard a low whistle and
looked over my shoulder. “Didn’t you get your own pair of black
boots for your birthday?” Josie asked, with her hands on her
hips.

“Did you whistle?”

“You told me to.”

I stifled an eye roll. “I thought they would be
fitting for tonight,” I said, pointing to the boots.

She came over and sat down next to me on the bed. “I
feel honored and I think what you’re doing tonight is great and so
will everyone else.”

“It’s not going to bring them back though.”

She placed her hand gently over mine. “No, but it
will help everyone move on.”

“Why are you here?”

“They told me I could come down for the night, but
just for the night and I think I picked a good night to come
back.”

“Yes and thank you,” I said, hugging her. “So why are
they granting you this one night? Are they letting you out for good
behavior?” I teased.

She hit me playfully. “You know I never was good,”
she winked. “They’re letting me have this one night because it will
be my last. They’ve decided my punishment,” she said sadly.

“So what will happen to you?” I asked a little
frightened.

“I still don’t know. They only told me they decided.
Not what they’re going to do.”

“I still get you for tonight so let’s make it count,”
I smiled, trying to be positive.

I worked on pulling the knots out of my hair while
Josie raided my clothes for something to wear. “Did you and Roman
kiss and makeup yet?”

“No, but he’s not yelling at me anymore so that’s a
plus.”

“Is he going to be there tonight?”

“He said he would.” I put down my brush and looked at
the dark circles under my eyes. Despite the much needed sleep I got
I still looked rundown.

“Are you okay?” Josie asked, joining me in the
bathroom.

“No, but I’m working on it,” I said, forcing a
smile.

“Ella, it will all work out. If there’s one thing I
know it’s this. Life is crazy. You never know what to expect and
things may not go the way you planned. But in the end you will
survive, because Ella, you are a fighter and I know you can
overcome anything.”

“Thank you Josie,” I said, hugging her. “I don’t know
what I’d do without you.”

“I know,” she said, brushing her hair off her
shoulder. “You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” She took my hand and led me
outside. We Joined Cameron and Dean in the front. They exchanged
hugs with Josie and we waited while the rest of the school crowded
around. Soon Riley, Sienna, Justin, and Dixon joined us. I felt
warmth spread inside of me as I was surrounded by my friends. There
was only one person missing. I craned my neck and searched the
crowd, but I couldn’t find him. I told myself to be patient. He
would be there.

Aidan was making his way to the front getting ready
to make his speech. Roman was still not in attendance and I was
getting worried. Something told me that the future of our
relationship depended on whether or not he would show tonight. I
closed my eyes and took a breath as Aidan started his speech.

“I want to thank everyone for coming tonight. We are
here to honor those who we lost back in March. To properly say
goodbye to the loved ones who were taken away from us too soon.” My
hand tightened on Josie’s. I opened my eyes and looked up. Aidan’s
words were just a background noise. Roman walked straight for me,
eyes determined. He stopped, gave me a small smile, and stood
beside me taking my other hand. I let out the breath I didn’t know
I was holding.

My circle was complete.

“We will celebrate their lives by lighting the sky.
You can put the names of those you wish to honor on the lantern. If
you all, one at a time come forward, we can light your
lantern.”

I turned to Roman who squeezed my hand softly. We
walked hand in hand, silently, up to the front and collected our
lanterns. Aidan nodded respectfully at me and I waited until he lit
my lantern. We returned back to our original spot and waited until
the rest of the students had theirs. Ms. Kraft led us in a small
blessing and then we bowed our heads for a moment of silence. Then,
one by one, we all let go of our lanterns and watched as they
drifted weightlessly into the air. The sky was lit up with tiny
floating lights. It was like hundreds of tiny orbs glistening in
the sky. I shivered. Roman surprised me by wrapping his arm my
shoulder and pulling me into him.

I didn’t protest. I rested my cheek on his chest and
inhaled his deep, clean scent. Roman always smelled so good. It
reminded me of when you first got out of the shower with the
smallest hint of cologne. “I’m leaving,” he said. I pulled back. My
heart stopped and I felt like all the air was sucked out of my
lungs. “Just for a few days,” he finished, sensing the terror in my
eyes. “I’m leaving tonight to go home. I just wanted to see you and
tell you before I left. I need some time to think before I make my
decision.”

“Okay,” I said, speaking around the lump in my
throat.

“I should be back by Monday.”

“Okay,” was all I could manage without letting my
emotions getting the best of me.

He looked at me with his deep, dark blues eyes, and
it took all I had not to throw myself at him and beg him to stay. I
knew it was only a couple of days, but a couple of days waiting
while he stewed over a decision felt like an eternity. I brushed a
piece of hair out of his face. He closed his eyes and swallowed. I
placed my hand on his chest. “I have to go,” he whispered.

I threw my arms around him and pulled him close,
afraid that might be the last chance I got to hold him or touch
him. “I love you.”

He pulled back all too soon. He looked into my eyes
and slid his hand behind my neck. My pulse started to quicken at
his delicate touch. He pulled me closer and placed a tender kiss on
my forehead. “I’ll see you Monday.”

“Monday,” I smiled. When he walked away I felt like
he took a part of me with him.

Josie was beside. “You doing okay?”

“I’m a fighter, remember,” I said, trying to stop the
tears from spilling over. Josie pulled me into her and rested my
head on her shoulder.

“Yes, you are.”

The crowd slowly started to disperse and I caught a
glimpse of Gabe standing by himself on the outside of everyone. His
hands were clasped in front of him and his head was bowed. I turned
to Josie. “I’ll be right back.”

I walked over to Gabe who still had his eyes closed.
“I lost a few good men that night,” he said.