Unforgiven (30 page)

That fear wasn’t something he knew outside his personal life. He was incapable, even, of feeling such strong and debilitating terror in his profession. He didn’t know why. It was just his perspective. His perspective that worked for everyone except those that mattered the most to him—his mother, his father, at one time Jess, and . . . her. She’d almost always been a part of his life, and from a time even before his feelings had turned intimate, he’d felt that way. He loved her as much as he loved anyone. Too fucking bad he was so incapable of forgiving her or forgetting about their pain.

He was panting when he reached his house, and he jumped in the shower, standing under cold water that shocked his skin into tight goose bumps. He collapsed on his bed after and stared. He must be losing his mind because he could nearly swear he could still smell her scent on his sheets. He was certain she’d changed the bedding sometime in the last few days, so it couldn’t possibly be true, but she was just surrounding him.

The need for her was so painfully strong, he groaned out loud at the emptiness. He had to let her go. But, God, it hurt.

She was done. Nothing left to do but wait for Michelle to come the next morning to take her to her new life. She cracked open a beer and plunked her tired and sweaty ass down on the couch. Her boxes were stacked by the door—very little really, but it had still taken time to sort all her stuff out and pack it neatly away. Her furniture would remain here, and Michelle still had enough time to get it into her garage sale.

She would be staying with her mother in her small two-bedroom apartment until she was ready and able to get out on her own. Her parole officer, Harold, had eyed her curiously when she’d told the poor man she wanted to move away to Memphis again, but he’d put the original jurisdiction transfer back into place.

She should get a good night’s sleep, but she really wasn’t sure that was even possible. Instead, she sat on her porch stairs drinking her beer, staring around her, and trying to ignore the sadness. She eventually grabbed another beer; it was her limit. She wasn’t at all an alcoholic, but she kept a tight rein on what she was willing to consume. Maybe it was respect, maybe it was fear, maybe it was just shame, but she didn’t cross her limit anymore.

She stripped out of her old, tattered jean shorts, leaving her T-shirt in place. She’d not left pajamas out, and the only clean clothes not packed were the shorts, tank top, and clean underwear she’d set out for the morning. There were only sheets on her bed, and she had a large empty duffle bag sitting beside her bed to toss her pillows and remaining bedding in the next morning. She’d shut the air off. The clouds were coming in, and it was going to cool down enough to have the house open once the rain hit.

She wandered around, looking for anything she’d forgotten, and when she was sure she’d removed every trace of her existence from the small cottage, she crawled into bed, watching the ceiling fan above her. Her eyes tried to follow the rotation, but she gave up after five minutes, letting herself get dizzy as she watched the whir of the blades.

And then there was a knock.

Her body lurched, and she sat nearly straight up as she heard it. There was a chance, outside at best, that it was Michelle. She wasn’t expecting Michelle until the next morning, and there was no reason to think she’d stop by. That really only left one other person that might pay her a visit, and that one other person left her heart racing. Her throat was suddenly dry, and she sat staring at the wall in front of her for a moment before she could get her legs to work.

By the time she made it to the front door, her fingers were trembling, and when she pulled the door open, she held her breath.

“Hi.”

She just stared. Her mouth was hanging open, and she knew she should close it, but she’d be damned if she could figure out how. She lifted her hand in greeting once she’d given up on her mouth. This wasn’t supposed to happen right now. Twelve hours until she was leaving. She couldn’t do this.

“I’d have called, but you already had your phone disconnected. If you don’t want to invite me in, I’ll understand.” Darren was watching her, and while he normally regarded her coolly and calmly, his expression wasn’t either of those things at the moment. He looked confused or maybe worried, but there was nothing cool about him.

“Why are you here?”

He instantly started chewing on the inside of his cheek, also not normally a reaction she associated with him. “I needed to see you. I thought I could do this . . . without seeing you . . . but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“You promised you wouldn’t ask me to stay.”

“No . . . no. I won’t.” He was holding his hands up as though he was worried she’d toss him out on his ass. He actually hadn’t made any move to enter. He was just standing on her porch, waiting for something. She had no idea what to say, and so she just looked at him. She eventually got her feet to move, and she stepped away from the door, letting him pass.

He stood in her entryway, fidgeting for a moment. “I was thinking . . . Do you remember the time I ran into you at the library? We ended up going back to your dorm room to watch a movie. Your roommate was supposed to be gone for the evening, and neither of us felt like studying?”

Her lips pulled up slightly. She remembered it well. It was a night filled with nerves and arousal—just like most nights she spent with him. “Yeah.
Basic Instinct
. Should not have grabbed that movie.” She shook her head for a second at the memory.

“I’d seen the movie. I pretended I hadn’t because I was afraid you wouldn’t want to watch it, but . . . I had seen it.” She’d picked a movie that had a ridiculous amount of nudity, sexual situations, and all-out smuttasticness. She and Jess would have loved it, but with Darren beside her, she’d gotten humiliated quickly. “I knew it would embarrass you . . . among other things.” He looked at her mischievously. It had gotten to her, sitting beside him on her small love seat sofa in her dorm room, unable to put even a marginal amount of space between them as they watched one panty-melting scene after another. She’d shifted around uncomfortably next to him, and eventually, he started chuckling. “I spent the entire movie trying to decide if I wanted to hit on you or not.” He smiled. His tension was finally starting to ease, and hers was too. “I wanted to. And under the circumstances, alone, completely turned on—hell, even single, I really contemplated it.”

“So why didn’t you?”

He smiled. “Because your roommate came home.” She inhaled deeply. “That was the only thing that stopped me that night. It was always hard to keep my hands off you. And I was always tempted, but never so tempted as I was that night. I was decided. I was going to push our relationship to that place, and I was going to deal with the fall out.”

“Thank goodness you didn’t, huh?” She didn’t actually think that at all, but she wasn’t sure what else to say.

“See, and I was going to say, too bad I didn’t.” He studied her, his eyes narrowing slightly as he tried to read her face.

“Yeah.” She couldn’t keep the breathiness from her voice.

“I was only thinking about what I wanted to do to you. There was nothing else. I wasn’t even letting myself consider what it would be like after. I normally found it impossible not to consider what the outcome would be if we ever made love, but not then.” She was breathing deeply as she watched him. She wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but her heart was pounding, her groin was pulsing, and she was trying to hide the panting. “If I could go back . . . that’s one change I’d make. I’d have made love to you that night. I’d have kicked your roommate out or taken you back to my apartment, but I wouldn’t have let that opportunity slip by me. Our lives were so much simpler and easier then. Our relationship was so different too. You trusted me. I trusted you. It was perfectly simple and balanced. Now it’s so complicated, and I hate that that moment is passed and we missed it before things fell apart.”

“I’m sorry.” She had no idea what to say. She understood exactly what he was saying, but she was clueless how she should respond.

“Don’t say that. I’m not asking for an apology.” He walked up to her then but didn’t touch her. He was close, and it was almost more uncomfortable to not be touched when he was standing so close than it would be if he’d just reach for her. “But I’m asking for something else.” Her heart was suddenly in her throat. He’d moved past his own nerves, and his dark eyes were searing into her. It wasn’t seduction, regardless of what he was proposing. It was an intense question that had sucked the air out of the room and left them both frozen in place.

She said nothing for an uncomfortably long time, and he kept his composure impossibly and perfectly. The moment she tried to get her diaphragm to move, her breath left her in a rush, and he chuckled very quietly for a half a second as his nostrils flared and he inhaled deeply. “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.” He watched her, likely gauging just how possible it was to avoid her discomfort. But this was an odd discomfort. The kind that was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.

“You want to sleep with me?” Why did her voice sound so quiet? It was already quiet in her cottage, and her voice should make some impact on the dead silence, but her voice was so whisper soft that it could have been drowned out by nothing more than the whir of a fan.

“Sleep.” His face was almost amused, but he seemed a bit too serious to pull it off. “I want to make love to you.” Then as she watched, he released a sigh and he shook his head. “I don’t want to pass it by again. I’ll accept it if I have to, but I refuse to think we could really live a whole life and not have that between us.” He seemed as dumbfounded at the thought as his words suggested he was, and she understood. “But I don’t . . . maybe it will just complicate things more. You’re leaving, and I understand that. I respect that, and I know why, and. . .” He was rambling. “I don’t want to do more damage—”

“I don’t think that’s even possible at this point.” He stilled as she spoke. He knew she was right. They’d fucked up their relationship beyond recognition. “We can’t hurt this anymore than we already have.” She couldn’t believe she was reassuring him that this was a good idea, but she understood very well, and what she was saying was true. They’d destroyed this. They had little to lose but this. This she could have. One night. One last decent and good memory to add to the few she had stored up of them. There was just too much pain, but this would not be pain.

Or would it? Would she be able to let go? Would he be able to stow the anger that popped up so easily? Her face had fallen; she could feel it in the slackness of her muscles, and she could see it reflected in his own expression. He reached for her cheek, and she flinched inadvertently. It was as much from surprise as it was from fear. He’d never physically hurt her in her life, and she trusted he never would, but there was just so much baggage, and he was more capable than any of destroying her emotionally. This couldn’t become that or it would end her.

His face looked stricken, shocked that she’d flinched, but then her eyes teared, and he pulled her into his arms, shushing her quietly with his lips to the top of her head. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered. “Just remember how we used to be. That’s all I want for us right now. Just the two of us. No pain.” She listened to his words, and she did exactly that. She remembered. His gentle touch. The way he was always just a bit too close. The way she let him invade her space. The trust. The warmth. The protectiveness. She closed her eyes, and when he scooped her up in his arms, she remembered his smile.

She held tight to him, burying her face in his neck, and she blocked out everything that hurt in her life, and she remembered everything that had felt so good once. He laid her on top of the sheet that was still on her bed, and she watched as he undressed silently. She was still completely shocked she was going to do this, but there was no saying no to this. Right or wrong, she couldn’t walk away without it, not when he was so ready.

His body was such an impressive thing. He was strong and lean, and his height wasn’t towering, just commanding. His stomach muscles were toned and tight, and as she looked at them, they danced and twitched. Her eyes flashed to his, and he was watching her closely. She wasn’t sure how she’d managed to ignore his cock that was standing high on his stomach, but the moment her attention shifted back down, that’s where it stopped. Her lips parted, and she sucked in a quick breath before she could stop herself. As she watched, he gripped that impressive breadth, and he stroked slowly up, rounding the head, and then sliding back down.

She sat up, pulling his hips to her, and when she touched the pearly bead of cum on the tip of his penis, she trailed it down the length of him as he watched. He uttered her name and brushed his thumb along her lower lip. She licked around the head as he hissed, and when she parted her lips and pulled him into her mouth, he groaned. She set a slow rhythm, rising and falling, letting him push to the back of her throat, and then pulling her mouth back along the length of his shaft. He was moaning, and his grunts were choked out as she moved. He stopped her quickly, dropping to his knees and placing his hands on her legs.

She was still dressed in a T-shirt and underwear, and he slowly trailed his fingers up her thighs and then worked her underwear down her hips. She lifted her bottom as he slid the fabric down her thighs, and once he’d pulled them from her ankles, he looked back to her eyes. “Take your shirt off for me.” She reached for the waist, pulling the shirt up her chest and off over her head. His eyes zoned in on her breasts, and he kneeled up, latching his mouth to her nipple. He pulled hard, and she whimpered at the incredible suction. He released the pull, and he kissed, sucking her nipple gently into his mouth and releasing it quickly this time. It soothed the ache, and when he moved to the other side, she waited for the same. The pain of his initial suction was swift, but he quickly replaced that incredible tension with a soothing, laving kiss; she melted at the contrasting sensations.