Unforeseeable (23 page)

I spent a restless night
full of odd dreams. In the most disconcerting, I searched through Kingdom, trying to find something, but I had no idea what it was. I knew it was very important, and that I had to discover it, yet Kingdom was empty. No one was there. Every building, every home, had been deserted. I had the strangest feeling there were people all around me, hiding in the shadows, watching me. I could see them out of the corner of my eye, but every time I turned to look, they disappeared. Muted voices came at me from shadowy corners, but I couldn't make out the words. After a while I became frantic—and frightened.

Toward the end of the dream, I began to call for my mother, but I couldn't find her either. Finally I thought I saw her walking down the road, and I began to run after her. Before I could reach her, she disappeared, and I started shouting her name. At last I spotted her again, but when I approached the spot where I'd seen her, I realized I was standing amid the red cedar trees that lined part of the road to Kingdom. I cried out her name, but she wasn't there. Just before I woke up, I found myself lying on the ground, the trees standing over me, and something wrapped around me. Plastic. I opened
my mouth to scream, but before I could get any sound out, I woke up, sweating and breathing heavily.

“Are you okay, honey?” A new nurse stood next to my bed, watching me.

“Y-yes,” I stuttered. “B-bad dream.”

She nodded. “I've seen it before with the medication you're on. Some people have nightmares. We'll switch you to something different. Pills that will help the pain but shouldn't cause dreams.”

“Thank you. What time is it?”

The nurse looked at her watch. “Almost ten. You missed breakfast, but I didn't want to wake you. I'll get you something now. The doctor wants you to eat light though. Do you like oatmeal?”

“Sounds great. And some toast and coffee?”

She smiled. “I think we can do that. Dry toast though.”

“Still sounds good.”

“How's the pain today?” she asked.

I tried to move a little. “Still there, but I think it's getting better.”

She smoothed my sheets. “You have a long way to go, but in the next few days your pain should begin to ease a bit.”

She looked at my Bible lying on the nightstand. Lizzie must have brought it. “It's Sunday morning. How about a nice Christian program on TV?”

I started to explain that I didn't watch TV, but instead of refusing her offer, I just nodded. I remembered Noah saying that there were some good television shows, and my curiosity got the better of me. Papa had said that everything on TV was evil and it would break down families and ruin the spiritual character of the nation. I wanted to see if he was right. No
one from Kingdom would be here until later in the afternoon, after church services, so no one would know about it.

The nurse picked up a small black instrument and pointed it at a television mounted on the wall. Suddenly, a picture appeared. Some man was pointing toward an automobile, saying he could help anyone buy a car, no matter how bad their credit was. I had no idea what he meant, although some of the business owners in Kingdom allowed residents to pay later. Especially the farmers who had to wait on selling their crops in the spring and summer. Could that mean people in the world could get a car and pay for it later when they had the money? That didn't sound like a bad deal to me.

“I think you'll like the next show,” the nurse said. “I watch it a lot. Really helps me to feel closer to God.”

“That sounds great. Thank you.”

She smiled. “You're welcome. I'll see about that breakfast now.”

She left the room, and I turned my attention back to the television. The man finished talking about cars, and then a big picture came on the screen that seemed to be announcing the name of the station I was watching. This wasn't actually the first time I'd seen TV. When he was healthy, Papa had driven us into town for groceries and supplies many times. I'd seen a few televisions inside some of the stores we visited. Papa had instructed me not to watch them, but I'd sneaked a quick look more than once. Most of the time, I didn't understand what was happening anyway.

I'd also seen some television when Lizzie and I went to town. Many of Lizzie's supplies for the restaurant were ordered through Maybelle Miller, who ran Maybelle's Restaurant in Washington. Usually, she didn't have TV in her
dining room, but if the weather was bad, or there was a sports game on that was important to her customers, she brought in a large set.

Some of the things I saw confused me, and Lizzie had to explain the difference between actual shows and what she called “commercials.” According to her, commercials were like quick shows that gave people information about products they might want to buy. That might be so, but some of the images I saw horrified me. Women in skimpy outfits dancing around, men drinking alcohol, and one where they were speaking about a personal product for women that shouldn't be talked about in public. There were men in the restaurant, watching this announcement. I remember being so embarrassed that I left and went to the truck. Lizzie came out a few minutes later to see if I was all right. I explained how horrified I was by the commercial.

“I still remember how I felt the first time I saw a commercial like that,” she'd said, smiling. “I guess now I see both sides of the issue. On one hand, they're very personal and probably shouldn't be broadcast in public to children who don't understand what those products are. Yet in Kingdom, things like this are never discussed. Normal and natural functions of the human body are hidden. It can cause young people to feel that everything that has to do with the body is wrong. They can end up in trouble like I did.”

“But, Lizzie,” I'd wailed. “Men shouldn't see these things.”

Lizzie had hugged me. “Oh, honey. That's nothing. I've seen some things on TV that would curl your hair if it wasn't already curly.”

Thinking back to her words made me wonder if I should have allowed the nurse to turn on the television at all. Then
the program started, and I was shocked to discover that the speaker was a woman! Women weren't allowed to teach men in Kingdom. I grabbed for the little device the nurse had used to turn on the set, but when I looked at it, all I could see were buttons, numbers, and words that meant nothing to me. Not having any other choice, I stared up at the woman who was talking. I noticed that she had a very kind face.

“Feelings buried alive never die,” she said, looking at me through the television screen. “They only cause problems that can derail God's plan for your life.”

It was as if she were in the room with me—as if she knew me. “God doesn't want you to bury pain from the past. Even though it hurts, He will allow it to surface because He wants to set you free. And you
can
be free. It will take inner strength and a commitment to face the truth you've been running from. Until you confront the situations that hurt you, they won't go away.”

I couldn't stop the tears that ran down my face. For the next thirty minutes I listened, enraptured by this woman God was using to minister to me. I felt like an onion being peeled, one layer at a time. One layer was my inability to trust Levi's love because I'd never been able to trust anyone. My mother had deserted me, and my father had injured me through hurtful words and actions. But none of that had anything to do with Levi. The woman on TV had been abused by her father too, but in an even worse way than I had. As a result she began to treat her husband as if he was the one who'd hurt her, and it almost destroyed their marriage. When she faced what had happened and let God heal her heart, she began to change. She started to love her husband, and she quit trying to make him pay for her father's sins.

Then she began to talk about forgiveness, and I realized that for me to be truly free, I had no choice but to forgive. My father, my mother, anyone who had hurt me. Little by little, years of self-protection began to crumble. By the time the nurse returned, I felt like a dishrag that had been wrung out.

After the show concluded, another came on, but it was for some kind of strange utensil that cut up vegetables into flowers and odd shapes. I tuned it out and thought about the woman teacher. How could God have used her to minister to me in such a strong way if women were only supposed to teach each other how to be better wives? I was still mulling this over when the nurse came back into the room.

“I see the show is over,” she said. “How did you like it?”

I shook my head. “I've never seen anything like it before. It was as if that woman knew me personally.”

She smiled. “That's the anointing of God, dear. God knows you, and that lady knows Him. People can do great things for God if they'll let Him guide their lives. Too many folks end up following God the same way their parents did. Or the way their church teaches. But God has a unique path for each of us. ” She pulled a small table over to me and put the tray she held in her hands down on it. “God asks us to follow Him—not anyone else. We all have to find our own distinctive calling, don't we?”

I looked into eyes full of kindness and something else. Something deep and special. It was like seeing God. I was overcome with emotion again and held the tissues up to my eyes.

“You go on and cry, honey,” she said. “I understand. Been there. Done that.” I felt her pat my arm. “You eat your breakfast. I'll be back in a bit.”

I took the tissues away from my eyes. “What's your name?” I asked. I couldn't see her name tag through my tears.

“I'm Lynne. Lynne Young.” She smiled. “If you need anything else, you just call for me, okay?”

“I will. And thank you so much, Lynne.”

She smiled once more and closed the door behind her. I ate the breakfast she'd brought, but when I finished, I couldn't remember what I'd eaten. Lynne's words and the words of the woman on TV kept running through my head. Had I ever made a conscious decision on my own? Or more important, had I ever once asked God what He wanted from my life?

After thinking for a while, I bowed my head and prayed softly. “God, please take my life and make me the person you've called me to be. I honestly have no idea who that is. But if you really do have a plan for me, then please bring it to pass. I'll try very hard not to get in your way.” I thought for a moment and added, “You'll probably have to help me with that though. I want to forgive my mother—I really do—but I still feel angry. Thank you.”

After my prayer, I felt better. Lynne came back, gave me a sponge bath, and helped me to the bathroom. I was happy to be on my feet, but the trip back and forth was uncomfortable. She was patient and took things slowly. While we were up, someone else came in and changed my bed. When we returned, it felt wonderful to be clean and to climb into fresh sheets.

Once I was settled, it was already time for lunch. Lynne brought me a bowl of chicken soup, some crackers, and some red gelatin. Although Lizzie certainly made much better soup, it was still good. I settled back into my bed feeling refreshed and more awake than I had since I first woke up in the hospital.

I opened my Bible, deciding to read the Lord's Prayer, which was a favorite part of Scripture for me. But instead of stopping at the end, I read further and came across a verse I'd seen before. However, today it seemed to speak to me in a way it never had in the past.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
This verse had been read to us in church many times, but for some reason, it felt like the first half of the Scripture was being shouted at me. What had I been seeking? Was I seeking God's kingdom first? Or had I been seeking after the church I'd grown up in? Or the father who'd told me how to live my life? Charity's words echoed in my mind:
“Then who are you?”

“Aren't you going to say hello?”

Lizzie's voice startled me. I hadn't seen her come into the room. Lizzie, Noah, and Levi stood just inside the door.

“I'm sorry,” I said with a smile. “I was thinking.”

“I guess you were,” Lizzie said, walking over to the bed. “Must have been deep thoughts.”

At that moment Lynne came back. Yesterday, Lizzie had on regular clothes, but today she wore her church dress and her prayer covering. Levi and Noah also had on the suits they normally wore to church. Lynne looked surprised, but she greeted them warmly. After giving me a couple of pills, she excused herself and left the room.

“She seems very nice,” Levi said. “Are you getting good care?”

“Excellent. I could get used to this.”

Lizzie laughed. “Noah and I will do our best when you get home, but we can't promise it will be the same. You might have to do a little more for yourself than you do here.”

“Actually, much more of this, and I'll end up spoiled rotten.”

I put my Bible back on the nightstand. More than anything, I wanted to ask Lizzie what was going on with John Lapp. It was as if she'd read my mind, because she asked Levi and Noah to go to the hospital café and get all of us a cup of coffee. After they left, she sat down in the chair next to my bed.

“Levi told us all about your mom,” she said excitedly. “So how did it go yesterday? Were you shocked? I know I was. I remember your mother, but Margaret—I mean Esther—looks so much different than she used to. I honestly didn't recognize her.”

“I know this sounds strange, but I think part of me knew who she was. It's one of the reasons I've been so upset lately.” I sighed. “She tried to explain why she left, and I realize now that she was going through a lot. I've asked God to help me forgive her, but it will take some time.”

“I can't even imagine how you feel. What a shock this must be.”