Unfaithful (57 page)

I took my phone out of my sweatshirt pocket and put it on the glass coffee table, sure that a few hours would be enough to get me back on my feet. Letting my body sink into the leather cushions on the couch, I forced my eyelids to remain open one more minute. All my body wanted was to lose consciousness.

I rested my head on a cushion, my fingers still gripping the vial I’d hidden protectively in my pocket. A second before my eyes closed, I glanced at the light-blue digits on the Blu-ray player. It was one o’clock. Only five hours left until six. When I woke up, Evan would be there.

Dark specks on the gray asphalt, sounds and silences dissolving in the air; my fists clenched so tight they hurt, my body as tense as my heart. From atop the building I absently watched the slow progression of thousands of bodies flowing like water in a river a thousand miles away. In my ethereal form I could even hear their heartbeats and footsteps. The sounds were so close and yet so far from where my mind was.

I knew I wasn’t alone. None of them were there by chance. I could almost feel their ice-cold eyes on me, demanding I concentrate. It was almost time. The wind lashed at my skin, trying to snap me back to attention, but without success—because I wasn’t really there. Or rather, my body was, but my heart was elsewhere, struggling with disappointment, grief, and fear.

Devastating disappointment over a brother I’d lost.
Brother
—maybe it was time for me to stop using that word.

Grief, bound up with her, with Gemma—the person whose life had become my sole purpose, the only one who could make me breathe again and take my breath away with a single glance. There are billions of people in the world, yet you can feel infinitely alone if you’re deprived of the one who’s important to you. I had lived for a long time, but only now did I realize it.

I felt so powerless when I was away from her, I felt I was going mad. I imagined her threatened by a thousand dangers and me unable to do anything to protect her. Without her, the frustration was tearing me to pieces, as unbearable as whiplashes against my naked, fragile heart.

And finally, fear. Fear of what might happen—of what was bound to happen. Because no matter how things turned out this time, no victory would be celebrated in my soul. With my heart bloodied from the pain I would sacrifice my brother, but part of me would die with him. Maybe it had already died from disappointment.

Deep inside I continued to struggle to accept the painful, ineradicable truth. Part of me still insisted on denying Drake’s betrayal, considering it one of night’s deceptions, nothing more than a nightmare. Like I might wake up any minute now and find it had never happened, that it had all been just a projection of a fear buried in my heart, a lie . . . and then Drake would be by my side again, as always, and we would fight this war together.

But that wasn’t the truth. It was just an illusion to alleviate the unbearable pain that tormented me—as if that feeble hope might be enough to erase everything else.
Nothing could
. I couldn’t go on lying to myself forever.

Up to the very end, I had repressed my doubts and reproached myself for my suspicions. I had hoped I was wrong—I’d hoped it with all my soul, which was why I hadn’t said a word about it to anyone. Deep down I’d been afraid that giving voice to the unspoken thought would make it more real.

I’d known that sooner or later someone would come to claim Gemma’s life. I’d lived with this torment every single moment, hoping she wouldn’t notice as I’d forced myself to fill her days with memories of the two of us—special memories, unique experiences I didn’t want her to forget.

My need for her was so insatiable I even stole her nights, like a greedy thief jealous of his treasure. I’d always wanted to keep her close because I was afraid someone would soon come to take her away from me.

But not him; anyone but him. Never had I imagined I would have to fight a member of my own family. Never, not even for a second. Not until that first, terrible suspicion—and even then the thought had been too painful. That night by the lake my heart had turned colder than ice when my suspicions had taken shape before my eyes like a nightmare come to life to torture me.

I didn’t dare imagine where I would find the strength to kill Drake. I tried to stop thinking about it by visualizing Gemma’s face in my mind, but there was no way to banish the terrible image.

I’d already put myself to the test in a battle against him and it had felt like every blow I dealt Drake had come back to strike me as well with just as much force, cutting through me like a double-edged blade.

What I couldn’t understand was why the same true wasn’t true for him. The merciless, detached coldness in his eyes was what hurt me most, as if someone had erased every memory of me from his heart along with the affection I’d thought he had for me. But maybe that was my mistake and I’d just been kidding myself, thinking I’d found in him the brother I’d never had. Now it was so difficult, so painful to accept the truth.

If I hadn’t had Gemma to protect, Drake’s betrayal would have destroyed me. She was the strength I clung to to avoid drowning in despair, in this cruel, grim twist of fate. No—fate was to blame for many things, but not for this. Fate guided us to certain events and led us to forks in the road, but we were the ones who ultimately chose which path to take. Our decisions led us to our destiny. I had learned that.

But no matter how terrible or painful it was, I couldn’t be angry at Drake. When all this was over, would I also be able to forgive myself for my own sins?

I already knew the answer.

No. I would never be able to forgive myself for my brother’s death. Nevertheless, I would keep on living. For her. Because nothing was more important.

Wars, epidemics, massacres . . . For long centuries, my heart, as hard as metal forged in the fire, had borne ever more difficult trials. It had carried too heavy a burden as souls slipped through my fingers—souls I tore away from their families, staining me with guilt I could never wash away. My eyes had witnessed tragedies I could never forget. And yet in the single blink of an eye my heart had stopped. I had surrendered to love at one look from a sweet, delicate, mortal soul. My life depended on this.

It depended on her.

Time crept by at a glacial pace. Never in my existence had it been so cruel. Ten endless hours of waiting. How would I be able to bear the last few minutes that separated me from her?

I had no reason to believe Gemma was in danger—I knew I could count on Simon and Ginevra—but that wasn’t enough. For some reason, the painful thought that I wasn’t there to protect her threatened to overcome me with every passing moment.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t shirk my duty.

I had to make sure destiny was carried out, not because I was a Soldier of Death with no choice—not any longer—but because if I didn’t keep Death from robbing me of Gemma, I wouldn’t be able to join her after this life. It was the only thing keeping me away from her. I couldn’t afford to give up the possibility. But neither the oceans nor the continents nor any execution order Fate could give would be enough to keep me from thinking of her every second—of the special way she looked at me, as if I were important—
me
.

Didn’t she know that without her I was no one? I never had been. Yet at her side I felt so strong, so safe. All those lifetimes I’d wasted in the blind assumption that I had lived—God, how wrong I had been. You can’t realize you’ve always been in the darkness until you find a spark that finally makes your heart beat. My blind eyes had been used to living in the dark. Then I’d discovered an unknown world full of light and hope, and only at that point had I realized I’d been wandering in the shadows.

It had taken only an instant to realize how devastating and irreversible the feeling was. I’d known in a heartbeat that it was impossible for me to return to the darkness. I knew I could never let anyone take from me the most precious thing I had in the world, the only spark that could light up my life: Gemma.

No. I would never let that happen. My eyes had been dazzled and I could never go back to the darkness I’d once known so well. Not any more.

Everything had changed since I’d met Gemma. I myself had altered, and the change inside me had been so deep, so radical, that I couldn’t even remember who I’d been before I met her—as if I hadn’t even existed. With all the emotions that had stirred inside me since she’d been in my life, this handful of months had been worth more than all the centuries I’d lived.

I didn’t know how much longer we had to live together, but I would treasure each memory forever, her smallest gesture, the symphony of her voice, her radiant smile, her sparkling gaze, the warmth of her skin, the fragrance of her hair, the soft touch of her lips . . . Kissing them drove me wild and each and every time my desire, my need for her was stronger, deeper, impossible to deny.

And then that day at the lake house . . . I’d felt like I was losing my mind. I’d feared my heart wouldn’t be able to contain such emotion, like it was on the verge of exploding.

I’d yearned for her for centuries without knowing it. It was as if all my life I’d wanted nothing other than that moment, nothing other than to be with her, holding her close, feeling her warmth against my skin. To merge with her. To disappear inside her. God, what a sensation . . . How could such a deep emotion be wrong?

I should have felt guilty for feeling this way—after all, I was still an Angel—but I couldn’t. Not even the tiniest fragment of my spirit regretted a single instant I had spent with Gemma. There was nothing more
right
than being with her. It was as if I had been born for her and she for me—I could sense it in her every breath, because it was in her breath that I found my own. Simply embracing her in the silence of the night to hear her heartbeat was enough to make me breathe.

And then there was the incredible attraction that electrified me whenever her eyes met mine—so powerful it devastated me. Every time her deep, dark eyes gazed into mine I lost myself in longing. I surrendered to that desire because it was all I wanted, all I needed. I loved her so much even looking at her hurt. Was love so overwhelming, so absolute for everyone?

I was fighting a battle I couldn’t afford to lose. What would become of me if I did? How could I continue to live without her? Like a tree stripped bare, its roots ripped from the earth, I would die along with her. I couldn’t see any other solution. I would be consumed like wood on a fire until nothing was left of me but ash, what we had been burnt to cinders by pain.

No. I would never let that happen. There wasn’t much time left now. I could sense it in this body that had never felt so mine before. Days, maybe hours, and it would all be over. We would belong to each other properly, without anyone hunting us down.

I would protect her forever, whatever the cost, and soon I would make her my wife. I would make my vows before God and with a trembling heart put my mother’s ring on her finger. It couldn’t belong to anyone but Gemma. I knew that now. With that simple act, her soul would be united with mine forever.

I already belonged to her just as she belonged to me. I could feel it in Gemma’s every heartbeat. The thought that Drake or anyone else might go near her again made me crazy. The kiss that miserable traitor had stolen from her was enough to drive me insane. I would have killed him without batting an eye if it hadn’t been Drake. Or maybe I might have anyway, if Simon hadn’t come to stop me. At this point it was hard to say.

I’d been consumed with rage, overcome by a furious jealousy that had gripped my chest, a deeply rooted hatred impossible to eradicate. At that brutal moment I’d even lost control of my reason. I couldn’t tolerate the idea that someone else might touch my Gemma—or even desire her. I was prepared to kill for her, even to die for her. No one would take her away from me. Fate wouldn’t be enough to separate us.

Drake would be the last one.

No other Executioner would come looking for her because I would prevent it. In silence I had racked my brains for months, seeking a way to keep Death from taking her away from me, and had finally found a glimmer of hope for our future: the forbidden fruit. Ambrosia, the vital essence that nourished me. I was almost sure it would allow her to live forever too.