Unexpected (15 page)

Chapter Forty-Four

“Well, it was about damn time.”

Connor raises his eyebrows at me. “What?” Laughing, he pulls me closer to his bare chest. I’m sitting on his lap wrapped in nothing but a blanket, and the gliding motion of the rocking chair is lulling me into a state of peaceful contentment. But I can’t resist the impulse to rag on him a little bit.

“I can’t believe we waited so long to do that.” A firework illuminates the darkness as it explodes in the distance. Lacing my fingers through his, I softly kiss each knuckle.

“I promised your parents I wouldn’t touch you while you were staying with me in New York, so technically this place doesn’t count.” A hint of mischief swirls in his eyes. “It was pretty amazing though, wasn’t it? I can’t wait to do it again.”

“I don’t think you’ll have to wait long.” Letting the blanket fall from my shoulders, I press my lips against his.

His phone rings and we both jump. Groaning, I reluctantly disengage myself from his hold. “Who the hell can that be?” Connor shrugs as I hurry into the cabin to retrieve it for him. It takes me a minute to find it under our trail of discarded clothing, and it’s already beyond the sixth ring. So I pick it up and answer it.

“Hello?”

“Michelle…is that you? It’s Maria.” Oh no, I couldn’t call her back. She must be a basket case.

“Maria…hey,” I need to make amends. “Connor’s fine, thank goodness.”

A little perturbed, she huffs, “I’m glad he’s okay.”

Looks like it is time for some major damage control. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you know sooner. Something came up.”

“Yeah, I bet it did.”

Unsure of how to respond to that remark, I remain silent.

“Just make sure you tell Connor what you told me.” Her request is adamant. I can’t discount it. There’s a shared understanding between us. I opened up to her, and she’s only trying to point me in the right direction. I can’t blame her for that. She has my best interest at heart, as well as Connor’s.

“I will, Maria. I promise.”

“Good. Now go and enjoy the rest of the Fourth with your man.”

“Will do.”

She chuckles. I can picture her shaking her head at the unending drama of our relationship. “You two have a good night.”

“Thanks, Maria.”

Flipping the receiver closed, I give myself a pep talk for what has to be done. I can do this. I have to do this.

Allowing the blanket to fall to the floor, I rummage through one of my bags for my pajamas. It’ll be better to face him fully clothed, without any distractions.

The screen door squeaks on its rusty hinges as I step back onto the porch. Connor glances at me expectantly. “Who was it?”

“Maria.”

He doesn’t seem that surprised.

“What?” But there’s no denying the hint of anger in his voice. Here we go.

“She called me earlier when she saw the signs on the pub. She was worried about you.” I choose my words carefully.

“How does she even have your number?” Pressing his weight onto his heels, he stops the momentum of the rocking chair.

“Because I gave it to her before I left town. I wanted her to check in on you.” I hoist myself onto the porch railing directly in front of him.

“Why couldn’t you check on me yourself?”

“You know why.” I don’t want to play these games. I want him to be direct with me. “Why are you selling the bar?”

He jumps up and strides to the opposite end of the porch. “I wanted to tell you over breakfast last week, but you ran out on me.”

“Well, let’s talk about it now.”

Running his hand across the wooden rail, he stares into the woods with his back to me. I long to see his face. Hours ago, I thought I might never see him again. I believed he did the unthinkable. I take in the sight of him standing before me. No matter what happens, I’m not letting him dodge the subject. It’s time for a reckoning, once and for all.

“I knew I was being a dick forcing you to go back to NYU when obviously you didn’t want to go.” The muscles in his shoulders tense. “But I was determined to get your life back on track, if nothing else.”

“But it’s not up to you. It’s not your responsibility.” A slight breeze ruffles my hair as I cross my arms.

“I realize that now.” Lowering his head, he kicks the railing. “When you left without a trace, it was like a slap in the face. I don’t want you to give up on your dreams, but I don’t think I can handle losing another person I care about, either.” His voice cracks, but he plows ahead. “I know I’m fucked up. I have a lot of shit I need to deal with. And the last thing I want to do is burden you with my problems. But I’m too selfish to let you walk away from me without a fight.”

Finally, he turns around before sinking to his knees. Burying his head in his hands, he lets go, releasing a torrent of heart-rending sobs. Rushing to his side, I cradle him against me.

“It’s okay, Connor. Let it out. Let it all out.” I stroke the back of his hair, kissing the top of his head. “It’s about time. Just let go. I’ve got you.”

His shaking slowly subsides, and he begins to breathe easier. After a while, he lifts his head and wipes away the remaining tears. He’s still hurting. But at least now, he’s releasing it, attempting to work through it. He’s clinging to hope with everything he’s got.

An owl hoots through the trees as a cloud passes over what remains of the waning crescent moon. I softly whisper, “Just so you know, is it okay if I’m fucked up, too.”

His eyes find mine. “No, it’s not.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Yes, it is.” Turning his hands over in mine, I line up our palms, reveling in how his dwarf mine. “If this is going to work, I can’t continue to be your charity project. Whether I succeed or whether I fail, it’s unrelated to anything else.”

“What do you mean?” Great, now I’ve confused him.

“Pressuring me to succeed on your terms isn’t going to justify Danny’s death.” There I finally said it. I wrap my pinkie around his, but he drops his hands to his lap. I’m afraid to look up.

“Is that what you think?” he asks, incredulous.

“Yeah, I do.”

Scratching the side of his neck, he seems flabbergasted. Now I’ve really thrown him. But I won’t apologize for something I truly feel. He needs to face the truth.

“I guess I can see where you’re coming from, but I never thought about it like that.” As the light of the moon resurfaces, the dark circles under his eyes become more pronounced. He looks exhausted. The past year has taken a mighty toll on him. I begin to waver in my resolve, but I have to stand firm, for both of us.

“I can’t go back to the ways things were before. I can’t recreate a moment in time that’s in the past.” Clasping his knee, I give it a squeeze. “Going back to NYU isn’t going to magically cure me or right some terrible wrong. It’s like a festering wound, and ripping it back open isn’t going to allow it to heal.”

“That’s the way I feel about the pub.” He tilts his head while biting his lower lip. “There are too many memories there. Sometimes I can close my eyes and see Danny across the bar or at the dartboard or walking through the door. It gets so bad, I can’t even think straight.”

“Then why stay?”

“I owe it to my dad. He worked his whole life to build his business from the bottom up. He slaved away so I’d have a decent place to make a living. And the stress nearly killed him.” Pausing, he issues a shaky sigh. “I was afraid if I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, he’d be crushed.”

“He only wants what’s best for you.” Cupping the side of his face, I urge him to look at me. “There’s no way he’d want you to keep the pub going if he knew how you really felt about it.”

“I hope that’s true.” With a rueful grimace, he glances up at me. “Because he’s not speaking to me at the moment.”

“What do you mean?” My stomach drops.

“I told him that I’m selling the pub, and he went off on me so bad, I thought he was on the verge of another heart attack.” His forehead creases at the memory. “His face got all red and he started screaming at me. I was supposed to go to Brooklyn and spend the Fourth with them, but he took off with my mom to Atlantic City for a couple of days to cool off.”

“It’s just the initial shock.” I rub his arm consolingly. “He’ll get over it. Deep down, he cares about you.”

Issuing a bitter laugh, he smirks. “If he did, he would’ve let me joined the FDNY with Danny years ago. He’s never going to forgive me for this.”

“Never mind that. How are you going to make a living now? What are you going to do?” My anxiety for him is increasing by the minute.

“Well, that’s what we have to discuss.” His eyes are intense, penetrating into mine.

“We?” I can’t help but ask.

“Yes, we. It’s you and me from here on out.” He says it with so much conviction that I’m slightly taken aback. “Where you go, I go.”

“So are we getting married now or something?” I’m teasing him, but he’s dead serious. I can tell.

“If you want.”

“Are you crazy?” He doesn’t see me for a week, and this is how he reacts?

“It doesn’t have to be right away as long as it’s somewhere on the horizon.” He’s acting like I’m the one who lost her mind.

“That is the most fucked up proposal I’ve ever heard.” Fuming, I ease away from him. “If you close the pub, you’re unemployed and so am I. How the hell are we gonna support ourselves?”

“We already have a house.” He playfully tugs on the cuff of my pajama bottoms.

“Where? In Candy Land?” That’s probably too harsh, but I’m too worked up to control my temper.

“No, right here.” He smiles and all I see are his dimples. “Miguel is giving us the cabin. How else would I have found out where you were hiding?”

My mind is spinning. I need some air.

Pushing myself to my feet, I march off the porch. I halt when I feel the wet grass between my toes. Making an about face, I let him have it. “How dare Miguel betray me like that! He probably set me up all along, knowing that he was going to tell you where I was. I trusted him and he sold me out.” A gust of wind kicks up, blowing my hair into my mouth. Yanking it away, I pick up steam. “And you’re gonna live in this ramshackle cabin that’s not even insulated? Are you out of your freaking mind?”

I swear we live to fight and drive each other nuts. But this tops the list. He’s not thinking straight. He’s living in a fantasy world. Well, I’m going to bring him back to earth. He’s actually sitting there smiling at me like I’m the cutest little thing he’s ever seen. That’s the last straw.

“What’s so funny?” I scream at him.

“You.” His ultra composed demeanor is irritating me to no end.

“Me?” I rush back toward the porch determined to slap some sense into him.

“Whoa, hold on. Let me explain before you whip my ass.” He holds up his hands in surrender. “This might actually work.”

“Go on. I’m listening.” I tap my foot against the porch step.

“It wouldn’t take much to winter-proof the cabin. I can even buy the supplies and do it myself.” He sounds reasonable, but I have so many lingering doubts. “I realize we’re not going to live here for the rest of our lives or anything. It’s just to get us started.”

“And what are we going to do when we get a foot of snow and we can’t get down the dirt road?” I butt in, interrupting him.

“I can buy a used truck with four-wheel drive. And get a plow attachment before the winter sets in.” He really did think this through.

“Okay, and where are you going to get all of this money if the pub doesn’t sell?” Let’s see him talk his way out of that.

“Because it’s already sold.”

“To who?” Holy shit, this is really happening.

“To Maria.” He’s grinning from ear to ear.

Is everybody out to get me in some grand conspiracy or something? This is unbelievable. “Really?” I spit out.

“Yeah, she called my realtor this morning and made an offer. Apparently, she told him that her priorities have changed after 9/11 and she wanted to do something different with her life away from the consulting field. Turns out her grandfather used to own a bar up in Boston, and she was looking to get back to her roots. So she’s taking the early retirement option her company is offering her and investing in the bar.” I’ve never seen him this happy before. It’s too good to be true.

“There’s still one major hiccup, you know.” I climb the rest of the steps and stand before him. “We can’t live forever on what you get from selling the pub.”

“True, but if we live simply for a while, maybe we both can go back to school. There’s a state university not even thirty minutes away.” He’s so excited, like the world is opening up before him. “And I can get a bartending job in one of the resorts up here to tide us over. There are a lot of tourists during the summer and skiers in the winter. We’ll be out of the city and closer to your parents, too.”

He’s brimming with hope and the endless possibilities of what a fresh start can do for us. It sounds so tempting, like it’s a real possibility. But he’s assuming too much.

“What if I don’t want any of this?” I feel like I’m sticking a knife through his heart.

His face falls, and I know I’ve wounded him deeply. “You don’t have to decide tonight. Take your time and think it over.” I’ve devastated him, but he’s trying to remain stoic. “You were going to stay here for the next few weeks anyway. We can just chill out and give it a test run if you’d like.”

His willingness to compromise speaks volumes. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. But I’m not going to give in just yet. Let’s see how we make it through this trial period, seeing that we don’t kill each other in the process.

Chapter Forty-Five

Maria’s offer is in escrow until the paperwork for transferring the pub’s liquor license goes through, but that doesn’t stop Connor from moving full speed ahead.

The pub’s van is sitting out front. So the first thing we do is hit several car dealerships looking for the best trade-in offer. Connor ends up selecting a used Dodge Ram pickup. Considered a viable business owner and with his credit newly restored, he has no problem securing a five-year auto loan.

Within hours, we hit the road in his new truck. This time our destination is the state university. We locate the admissions office only to discover that we’re in for quite a wait. Missing the cut-off, the next registration deadline is not for another year. While it derails his academic ambitions for the time being, the unforeseen setback doesn’t dampen his spirit.

After scanning the classified want ads, our next stop is The Evergreen Inn. They’re seeking an experienced bartender for their golf club, and while it’s only a seasonal position, it’s a step in the right direction.

As I sit in the passenger seat and wait for him to complete his job interview, my mind wanders. Connor is setting himself up to win. His determination is creating a powerful momentum, and I feel like I’m getting left behind. I’m a little sick inside to be honest.

I only want what’s best for him, but it seems like we’re moving in two different directions. He’s charted his course, and I’m stuck in no man’s land. It could be he’s forcing my hand. Rushing things along, so I’m coerced into making a decision sooner rather than later. But I don’t want to end up regretting my choice.

For now, I’m just along for the ride. Let the chips fall where they may. I refuse to plunge headlong into what might turn out to be a big mistake. If my time at NYU taught me anything, it taught me that. It was a painful lesson, and I don’t plan on repeating it any time soon. Connor can jump ahead as far as he’d like, but it doesn’t mean I have to follow him blindly. I’m going into this with my eyes open wide or not at all.

It’s boiling in the truck, despite the windows being down. I open the door and step out, examining the grounds. I set a leisurely pace toward the main building as the sun beats down on me. Skirting the circular driveway, I jog up the steps and into the lobby just as Connor is coming out.

He picks me up and spins me around, elated. “I got the job,” he exclaims before placing me back on my feet. “And guess what? They want me to start immediately. The guy they had before just up and quit, and they’re really in a bind. If I give you the keys to the truck, do you think you can find your way back?”

I want to share in his excitement, but instead I feel shut out. He’s firmly establishing himself in his new life, and I don’t want to bring him down. That’s the last thing I want to do. This is the best I’ve ever seen him. It’s amazing what the change of environment has done for him already. I won’t dampen his newfound optimism. I’ll play along.

“Yeah, I think I can.” Sliding the keys into my pocket, I flash him my brightest smile. “So what time do you want me to pick you up?”

“Oh man, I don’t even know. Is it all right if I call you later?” Yep, I’m slowly falling off his priority list.

“Sure, that’s fine.” I was planning on stopping at Wal-Mart to purchase a charcoal grill. I thought we’d celebrate over some rib-eye steaks and steamed clams. Looks like that’s not going to happen now. I’ll be eating peanut butter and jelly by myself.

“I’ll see you later,” he says, giving me a quick kiss on the forehead before heading back the way he came.

“Good luck,” I call to his retreating back, but he doesn’t hear me.

I have nowhere I need to be and nothing to do. Strolling into the lobby, I plop into a comfy leather chair near the grand piano. Once again, my life is in a state of flux, upended beyond recognition. How did I get here, yet again? Just when I thought I’d uncovered some stability, the mirage of security is snatched away. It’s not Connor’s fault. I know that. He needs something positive to cling to. If he continues on this path, it’ll be good for his recovery. It’s impossible to completely move on after what happened, but at least the change will keep 9/11 from the forefront of his mind. He’s found some sense of peace, and that’s all I ever wanted for him.

I only wish I could find it for myself. It would be so easy to fall into this lifestyle with him, like laying my head on a fluffy white pillow. Easy. Comfortable. Natural. But something’s holding me back. Why can’t I make a commitment to someone who’s so willing to commit himself to me? I’m so screwed up inside.

The suction of the leather chair on my sweaty thighs makes a loud noise as I get up to leave. An elderly woman across the room gives me a disgruntled look. Jeez, I can’t do anything right today.

I guess I’m trying to understand how Connor is able to make such a radical transformation. He’s a lifelong New Yorker used to the noise and grit of the city. It has to be somewhat of an awkward transition adjusting to a one-room cabin in the middle of nowhere. Is Manhattan forever tarnished for him by Danny’s death? Can he really give up everything that’s familiar to him without looking back?

Getting behind the wheel, I crank up the air conditioner. The cold blast settles me, and I think back to how I felt about returning to New York with Connor. If not for him, I probably never would’ve gone back. After 9/11, it haunted me. I didn’t feel comfortable there. I ran away. But Connor made the effort to help me work past my trepidation. Little did I realize, he was feeling the same way the whole time. The city was forever scarred for him, too.

And that’s when it finally clicks. Maybe we don’t need New York. Maybe we just need each other.