Undone (36 page)

I close the door behind me and lean against it. I don’t want to be any closer to Louise than is absolutely necessary.

Louise speaks through a mouthful of toast. ‘What
are you doing here? Just popped by for a cuppa on your way to church? Off to confess your sins, are you?’

This is the real Louise McBride. This is the Louise she’s been hiding so carefully for the past couple of months. I wonder why she’s decided to unleash the beast now, before I’ve even said anything. It makes me wonder if she knows what’s coming. Or maybe she’s just tired of putting on an act; I know I am.

Max is looking uncomfortable and I can hardly blame him. No boy wants to get caught in the crossfire between two girls who hate each other. ‘Max, would you mind leaving us alone for a couple of minutes?’

He’s halfway to his feet before Louise tells him to sit down. And he does – without a word. He’s a well-trained dog, knowing full well that if he disobeys his master he’ll get a good kicking later. Louise turns to me. ‘You’re not coming here and booting him out of his own room. You can say what you have to say in front of Max or you can just fuck off home. Maybe think about something to buy Sasha … though Clinton’s didn’t make a “Sorry I melted your face” card last time I checked. What the fuck were you thinking?’

Max isn’t looking at either of us. He’s fiddling with the upturned corner of a stripy rug. Kai knelt on that rug.

I turn to Louise. ‘Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind Max hearing this, I don’t mind either. And don’t play games with me, Louise. You know full well what I was thinking. Mostly because you’re the one who made me think it.’ I’d only realized this a second before I said it. Jon hadn’t written the note –
of course
he hadn’t.

She licks some peanut butter from her thumb and smiles. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘How could you do it? Just answer me that and I’ll go. And I’m not going to tell anyone, if that’s what you’re wondering. Kai wouldn’t want everyone knowing that his own
sister
would betray him like that. So – tell me how you could do something like that to your brother, and I’ll leave you in peace.’

Silence stretches right out to the corners of the room. I’m looking at Louise, and I’m pretty sure Max is too. Louise is looking at me, cool as you like, utterly unfazed by this turn of events. ‘How could I do what?’ She’s not smiling any more.

‘You really want me to say it? Fine. How could you film Kai and
email
it to people?’ Another thought occurs to me. ‘Did he know it was you?’

I glance at Max, expecting him to say something. He’s fiddling with the corner of the rug again.

‘What makes you think it was me?’ Louise licks her lips. They look cracked and dry. She glances towards the door, then the window, like she’s looking for an escape route. Then she shakes her head and I can see the facade crumbling before my eyes. ‘I didn’t mean to do it.’ She sounds like a child.

I take a couple of steps towards her because I want to hurt her. I really, really want to make her feel pain. She doesn’t move, doesn’t even look bothered, maybe because she thinks she deserves it. Or maybe she knows that I’m not actually going to touch her. I stand there and wait her out.

‘Look … I made a mistake, OK? A really terrible, really fucking big mistake. And nothing you can say or do will make me feel any worse about it than I already do, so don’t even bother. And no, he didn’t know who did it.’ She crosses her arms defensively; she looks small, weak almost. It’s some consolation, I suppose. That he didn’t know his sister had ruined his life.

‘I don’t understand how you could have … You must have known it would destroy him.’

A flicker of fire returns to her eyes. ‘Did
you
think he was going to jump off a bridge?’ The words make me flinch, but I say nothing. ‘No. Of course you didn’t. Because you wouldn’t have left his side for
a second if you thought there was even the slightest chance.’

She’s right about that. It never crossed my mind – not a glimmer of a hint of a possibility. It’s hardly the point though, is it? She knew he would be devastated. She knew it would make his life a misery.

Louise takes my silence for agreement. ‘Thought not. Now, if you don’t mind, we’ve got things to do …’ She stands up to usher me out of the room.

The ‘we’ reminds me that Max is still here, no matter how hard he tries to blend into the background. I look at him. ‘Aren’t you going to say something?’

He looks up at me and shakes his head. There’s something there though – a look in his eyes that’s hard to place. ‘Doesn’t this bother you?’ And then I realize that I might not know what the look means, but I know what it
doesn’t
mean. It doesn’t mean surprise. ‘What the … ? Fuck. You
knew
, didn’t you? You knew it was her and you didn’t say anything. Wow. That’s a whole new level of spineless I never knew existed. You’re as bad as your sleazy brother – worse in fact.’ Max clenches his jaw but still says nothing. ‘You do realize that she made me think it was Stu and the others? She’s the reason I wrote the graffiti. She’s the reason I went out with Lucas. It’s
all
her fault.’ Not true. Not even close.

Louise gets right in my face now. ‘I think you should leave. Now.’ We’re exactly the same height because she’s barefoot. She looks even worse up close – tired and haggard and haunted. But her eyes look so much like Kai’s that for a second it’s hard to breathe.

‘Actually, Louise, while we’re on the subject, why
did
you blame them? I thought they were supposed to be your friends? Or is that what passes for loyalty with your lot?’

I think she’s going to lie or fob me off, so it’s surprising when she says, ‘They deserved it. They’ve never been my
friends
. Lucas barely even noticed I existed before I started going out with Max, and Bugs was the same – fawning over Sasha like she’s something special. And Stu … he’s a fucking animal and you know it. Thought he could have me on tap whenever he wanted me, then chuck me aside as soon as someone new caught his eye. I showed him.’ She’s almost smirking.

Another light bulb flashes in my brain.
She
was the one who kept writing the graffiti. I shake my head in disbelief. I know I haven’t liked her in years, but I had no idea she’d turned into someone so bitter. So hard and cold. And without even realizing, I’ve been following in Louise’s footsteps, faking my way into
Team Popular, pretending to like people I despise.

I back up a little because she’s still right in my face, but she takes another step towards me. Like we’re locked together in some hideous dance. Max is finally getting to his feet, hopefully to make sure Louise doesn’t do anything crazy. But he just picks up his laptop and puts it carefully in its case. I want to grab the fucking thing and throw it out the window.

Louise reaches out suddenly and I flinch before I realize she’s just opening the door. It’s not like I thought she was going to hit me or anything. ‘I don’t know how you can live with yourself. Kai was ten times the person you’ll ever be, you know that, don’t you?’ Even knowing everything she’s done, I feel a twinge of guilt as my words hang in the air.

‘I’ve always known that,’ she snaps. ‘Even if it hadn’t been made clear to me every single day of my life, I’d still know that. But he shouldn’t have–’ She shakes her head quickly, eyes closed.

‘Shouldn’t have what?’

‘Nothing.’ And it’s the type of nothing that makes you absolutely certain it’s something.

‘Louise, if there’s something you’re not telling me …’ I sound like I’m in control now. I sound
like someone who should be listened to. Someone dangerous almost. It’s an act, but she’s not to know that.

She shakes her head again and looks away. Looks at Max.

And that’s when I know. That’s when I realize I’ve been stupid. We’ve all been so very stupid.

‘You. It was you.’ Not a question. A statement of fact.

Max slumps down onto the bed. Louise closes the door. And then the most bizarre thing happens: Max starts to cry. Louise says, ‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ and stomps over to the window, turning her back on us both.

As Max sits there sniffling I can’t help but notice he’s sitting in the same position he was sitting in that night. It would be funny if it wasn’t so awful. ‘So you’re … gay?’

‘No! Fuck no!’ He swipes at the tears with the sleeve of his shirt. ‘I liked
him
. That’s all.’ A derisory snort from Louise.

My brain’s working hard to put together the pieces. It’s all so simple now. Like one of those four-piece jigsaws for toddlers. So. Fucking. Obvious. ‘That wasn’t the first time, was it? At the party?’ My voice is
gentle; for some reason the fight has gone out of me. I actually find myself feeling sorry for this boy. It’s not his fault. Not really.

Louise answers, ‘Oh no. They’d been at it for a good few weeks by then. My brother fucking my boyfriend. Can you even
begin
to imagine how that feels?’ For the very first time I try to put myself in her shoes; they’re not very comfortable shoes to be in. ‘I found a text from Kai on his phone, talking about hooking up at the party.’ She shudders with revulsion and I can’t tell if it’s the thought of two boys hooking up, or these two boys in particular.

‘So you … filmed them?’ This is the thing that’s hardest to understand. It’s cruel, calculated. But I have never, ever been able to understand this girl.

She leans on the windowsill and crosses her arms defensively. ‘I wasn’t planning it or anything. I was upset. And wasted.’

‘You weren’t wasted when you emailed it though, were you?’ It’s a petty point to make, but I can’t help myself. I already know that she’s going to get away with it. That no one will ever know the truth. I could tell people, if I really wanted to. I could tell Lucas and the others, tell the police. But it wouldn’t make anything better. Lucas and Sasha would never forgive me. Kai would still be dead, but it would be even worse because
the newspapers would be raking over his personal life. And two more lives would be ruined – the lives of people that Kai really cared about. I won’t tell.

Max has his head in his hands and I want to put my arms around him. I want to tell him that it’s OK – that I don’t blame him. That it really doesn’t matter if he’s gay or bi or whatever. That he doesn’t need to stay with Louise if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need to have a girlfriend, and especially not one as fucked up as her. I want to ask him how he could have stayed with her all this time, knowing what she’d done. Had she been holding it over him, threatening to out him if he did anything wrong? Did she
remind
him of Kai in some way? Or did he actually care about her and want to make a go of things? Had he loved Kai? Had Kai loved him? There are so many things I want to say and questions I want to ask. But I won’t. I don’t know this boy at all, even though he’s the key to everything.

I feel stretched and flattened by the truth. It’s time for me to go.

I turn my back on them.

I’m opening the door when Max says, ‘You’re not going to say anything to anyone are you, Jem?’ He doesn’t sound too hopeful.

I take one last look at him. One last look at her.
They’re broken too. I shouldn’t forget that. But I can’t quite bring myself to reassure them. I’m not sure they deserve it.

They’ll know the answer to Max’s question soon enough.

I walk home so slowly that sometimes I’m hardly moving forward at all. I keep trying to picture it all going differently.

Max and Louise would never have got together. No. That’s not the start. Kai and I would be living in a world where nobody cared about your sexual orientation. Being gay wouldn’t be gossiped about or frowned upon – it wouldn’t even be worth mentioning. It would just be a fact. A mundane sort of fact. Max would arrive at school and Kai would fancy him and he would fancy Kai, and one of them would ask the other one out (Max would do the asking, most probably). And I wouldn’t be jealous because I would see how happy Kai was.

A year later and they would still be together. And they would be
that
couple. The one that just seems right. You can imagine them staying together forever because they’re just so damn perfect for each other. You don’t resent them though, because they give you hope. Maybe one day you could be as happy as they are.
But you don’t mind waiting, because for now you have your best friend (and favourite person in the world) by your side and that’s enough.

I don’t let myself think about the dream of Kai and me ending up together. It was too painful to think about then and it’s even worse now. Plus I was never able to properly picture Kai loving me the way I wanted him to. My brain would never let me go there, probably because it knew there was zero chance of that dream becoming reality.

Wishful thinking doesn’t change anything. What happened to Sasha doesn’t change anything. Knowing the truth about Max and Louise doesn’t change anything.

I live in a world in which Kai doesn’t exist any more. I’m not willing to do that for much longer.

The rest of Saturday was not particularly pleasant. Mum wouldn’t leave me alone, asking questions and fretting about Sasha. Dad stayed out of the way, after hugging me and saying, ‘Thank God you’re OK.’ I couldn’t help wondering if that would be the last time I would get to hug him.

After a couple of hours of tea and sympathy that went exactly as I’d expected, I finally escaped to my room on the pretext of needing sleep. A nasty shock was awaiting me – a shock that wouldn’t have been a shock if I’d been thinking clearly.

Sasha’s things were everywhere. One of her boots was peeking out from under the bed. The top she’d been wearing when she came over was slung over the back of my chair, on top of my favourite hoodie. Her make-up bag was lying on its side, the contents spilling onto a purple folder on my desk.

I gathered everything up, trying not to think or feel. Put everything in her bag, put the bag by the door. Then lay curled up on my bed and closed my eyes. It was no good; I could smell the fire. My clothes, my body, were coated in the stench of smoke.