Undone (26 page)

Sasha’s bedroom is so huge it even has a seating area. It looks like something from MTV Cribs. I’m the last one in, so I end up sitting on this massive cushion with a swirly black and white pattern. I have to look up at the others so I’m at a disadvantage already. Sasha and Nina are on the sofa (Sasha with her feet casually draped over Nina’s lap). Louise is opposite me on the window seat. I think I’d like to have a window seat one day. It will have a spectacular view of something spectacular, and I will sit there thinking deep thoughts about deep things. Then I remember that dead people don’t have window seats. It’s not the first time I’ve found myself forgetting that my days are numbered.

‘Jem?’

‘Mmm?’

‘You and Lucas? I was just telling the girls.’ Sasha
has that look on her face – the one that says she wants to talk about sex and nothing’s going to stop her.

There’s no way I’m talking about it – especially not in front of Louise. She’s still acting all friendly towards me, and I’m starting to think it might not be an act after all. Maybe – just maybe – she’s realized that she was wrong about me – that I’m
not
a terrible person after all. Or perhaps she’s realized that there’s no reason to hate me now that Kai’s not here. It’s not like I’m taking him away from her any more.

All eyes are on me. I have to say
something
, and it turns out that something is ultra lame. ‘I’m afraid I operate a strict anti-kissing-and-telling policy.’ I try to look cool and smug.

‘Bullshit!’ Sasha rolls her eyes. ‘Besides … you two have been doing a
lot
more than kissing.’

I mime zipping my lips and throwing away the key. Sasha needs to learn that however stubborn she thinks she can be, she will
never
be more stubborn than me.

Weirdly enough, it’s Louise who comes to my rescue. ‘So Nina … how are things with you and Stu? Hot and heavy?’ A look passes between me and Louise, in which I acknowledge this favour and she acknowledges my gratitude. Or perhaps it was just a look.

Nina leans forward – she’s clearly been gagging
to talk about Stu. ‘Totally hot and heavy! That boy has a … oh, what’s the word again? Like, he likes a lot of sex.’

‘A
voracious
appetite?’ The word ‘voracious’ rolls off Sasha’s tongue as if she likes the way it tastes.

‘Yeah, that’s it. He wants it
all
the time, you know? Not that I mind – he’s good at it!’

I refrain from saying that maybe it’s because he’s had so much bloody practice. A monkey can learn to perform a simple task if he has enough goes at it.

‘And lately he’s been really sweet, you know? He’s different when it’s just the two of us.’

Louise laughs. ‘Yeah, the difference is that he has his cock inside you.’ I half-expect one of the others to call her out on being so crude; I should have known better. I can’t help wincing though … it’s too vile for words.

Nina laughs along with the other two. ‘Well, there is
that
. But he’s started walking me home, and we text
every
day. He’s even stopped complaining about using condoms.’ The fact that she considers these things to be sweet is wrong on so many levels, but Sasha and Louise don’t bat an eyelid. ‘And I know you’re not going to believe it but –’ she pauses to give me a meaningful look – ‘last night he asked me to be his girlfriend. He said he doesn’t even look at other girls
any more.’ Another look in my direction as if to say,
You were wrong. So there.

Sasha sits bolt upright in an exaggerated fashion. ‘What?! You have
got
to be kidding me! Stu Hicks in a
proper
relationship?! What the hell have you done to him? Nina, he must like you a lot. I mean,
really
like you.’

This is exactly what Nina wants to hear. She squirms with glee. ‘Reeeeally?’

‘Totally! I never thought I’d see the day …’ Sasha shakes her head, like this is some kind of modern-day fucking miracle.

‘I
knew
there was more to him than everyone says.’ Nina sits back, looking massively pleased with herself.

For the first time, I’m actually glad I came. I couldn’t be happier that things are (supposedly) going so well between Stu and Nina. It just makes it all the sweeter, really. I’m willing to bet things won’t be going so swimmingly by the time I’m finished with him.

I wish I hadn’t worn jeans today. But how was I supposed to know that Lucas would come back from football practice looking like that? Face flushed, wet hair mostly slicked back, a few strands escaping and falling in front of his eyes. Damp patches on his T-shirt like he hadn’t had time to dry himself properly after his shower. And how was I supposed to know that the sight of him would produce a reaction in me that was so powerful I was glad I was sitting down?

He jogged over and stood in front of me. ‘Hey.’ His smile really was something else.

‘Hey.’ Good to know I hadn’t been rendered speechless, at least.

He bent down and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. It wasn’t enough. Not even close. I grabbed the front of his T-shirt and pulled him down to me again. This kiss
was more satisfactory. This kiss was definitely the kind of kiss you wouldn’t want your parents witnessing.

Lucas settled down next to me and took my hand. ‘Now that’s the kind of welcome a man could get used to.’

I was going to make some snide remark about him calling himself a man but I was distracted by his mouth. I’d never really noticed how utterly perfect it was before. How his lips looked like they were made for kissing. I must have been too busy hating him to notice.

‘Jem? Are you OK? You spaced out for a second there.’

The bell rang and I shook my head, tried to remember where I was and who I was and what lesson I had next. French.
Fuck
.

I’ve never skived off a lesson in my life. Sure, I’ve pretended to be ill and stayed home once or twice, but I’ve never missed a lesson when I’ve actually been on the premises. The others do it all the time, especially now we’re in sixth form. No one really cares any more – including the teachers. But we had a test, and I’d studied really hard for it. Studying is pretty much the only time I can clear my mind; the only time I’m able to stop thinking about Lucas every two minutes.

I looked at my watch even though I knew full well what time it was. ‘What have you got now?’

‘Free period. Stu’s challenged me to a high-stakes game of pool – although he hasn’t revealed exactly what those stakes
are
yet. Doesn’t matter though – he’s physically incapable of beating me. I don’t know why he keeps trying. It’s like a fly bashing its head against a windowpane. Kind of pitiful, really.’

I wasn’t really listening; I was looking at his mouth again. Was I really going to do this? One more look at Lucas was enough to confirm that, yes, I was definitely going to do this. I leaned in close to him, whispered in his ear: ‘I think you should postpone that game of pool and think of somewhere we can go right now.’ My lips touched his ear as I spoke.

He pulled away from me so he could see my face. ‘What are you … ? Where do you want to go? I suppose we could go get a coffee or something. Stu can come too. Maybe Nina’s free and we can make it a foursome.’

Clueless. Utterly clueless. Clearly I’d have to be more obvious about my intentions. I leaned in again. ‘That’s not exactly what I had in mind. I meant … somewhere private … so we can …’ I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Surely this was enough for him to catch my drift.

His eyes widened. ‘Ohhhh, you mean you want to … ?
Now?
’

I nodded, suddenly feeling awkward. Suddenly afraid that he’d reject me and I’d have to pretend I wasn’t all that bothered.

Lucas licked his lips really slowly, and if I hadn’t been feeling so bloody horny the gesture might have made me gag a little bit. ‘I like the way you think.’ His smile was devastating. He glanced around. ‘No sign of Stu, anyway. Let’s get out of here.’ He pulled me to my feet and we hurried out of the common room.

The corridors were empty, which was a relief. I was sure anyone who’d seen us would have known what we were up to straight away. He led me down to the basement corridor – the one I usually try to avoid, since the smell from the boys’ toilets is ten times worse than the science-block toilets. The basement is also home to two geography classrooms and I steer clear of geography whenever possible.

Lucas stopped in front of a red door – a door I’d never noticed before. He ushered me inside and switched on the light. The most unflattering, bright white fluorescent light in the known universe. I glanced around to see rows and rows of shelves filled with exercise books and binders and textbooks. Then I hit the light switch, which made Lucas laugh. There
was enough light filtering through the tiny window near the ceiling for us to see what we were doing. I wondered how Lucas knew this room existed, unless he’s been hiding the fact that he’s a secret stationery fiend. (Of course I knew
exactly
how he knew this room existed, but I didn’t want to kill the mood by giving Sasha a moment’s thought.)

‘I know it’s hardly the Ritz, but beggars can’t be–’ I shut him up by kissing him. I backed him against a table, then he turned us around till I was sitting on the table and he was standing in between my legs.

I silenced the voice in my head that was whispering,
This isn’t you. You KNOW this isn’t you
, because the voice was wrong. This
was
me. This is who I am now.

We’ve only been kissing for a minute or two before I start working on Lucas’s belt buckle.

A minute or so later I’m struggling out of the jeans I wish I hadn’t worn. They seem annoyingly reluctant to let me go.

Another minute and I am shagging Lucas Mahoney in the stationery cupboard. Thank Christ he had a condom in his wallet, because I’m really not sure what I’d have done if he hadn’t. Let’s just say I’m relieved the issue didn’t come up.

The sex is good. Really good. Better than before,
even. Less self-conscious. He knows how to push all the right … um … buttons.

It’s my first orgasm with a boy. That’s some kind of milestone, I guess. All I know is that I want lots more of them (orgasms, not boys). I’m starting to think this sex thing could become slightly addictive.

This is far from ideal.

We go back to Lucas’s house straight after school and do it again. And again. He hasn’t said anything, but I can tell he’s surprised. As if boys are the only ones who are allowed to be horny or something. He doesn’t mind though, obviously.

We lie in his bed and talk for a while. He asks a lot of questions about me and my family. Every question he asks leads to another question, and another. It’s like he’s storing up information about me for future use. I’ve never talked about myself so much in my whole life. He must be bored senseless, but he does a good job of pretending to care.

When I’m getting dressed, and hunting under the bed for a rogue sock, he says, ‘I really like talking to you, Jem.’ He’s still lying on the bed, hands behind his head. The duvet is covering him, but only just. Every (straight) girl’s dream.

‘Er … thanks.’ I find the rogue sock and sit down
on the bed to put it on. Lucas scoots over and kisses my back, which is bare apart from my bra. Tiny kisses sneaking down my spine, making me shiver. Making me want to jump his bones again. But I can’t. Mum will kill me if I’m not back in time for tea.

He lies back again while I pull on my top. ‘I’m really glad you’re in my life, you know.’

I lean over and kiss him on the lips. The kiss lasts slightly longer than I’d intended.

I leave him lying there after making arrangements for me to come over again tomorrow. As I plod down the stairs, I can’t help thinking about what he said. It was a nice thing to say. It was a nice thing to hear, even from him. And I think he probably expected me to say something back.

I make it home as Mum’s putting dinner on the table. ‘Just in the nick of time!’ she says, smiling. She’s in a good mood. I wonder what sort of mood she’d be in if she knew I’d been shagging Lucas Mahoney half an hour ago.

She asks where I’ve been and I stab a piece of broccoli and stuff it in my mouth to give myself time to think. I really should have thought about this before, but this sneaking-around-with-boys thing is still new to me. I chew the broccoli for longer than broccoli
(or anything for that matter) would ever need to be chewed. By the time my mouth is rid of every last trace of food, I have it. ‘I was at the library with Lucas. Study date.’

‘Study date? Well, that’s nice, isn’t it? As long as you actually managed to get some work done and didn’t spend all your time fluttering your eyelashes at him!’ She laughs and Noah laughs too, the little traitor.

I roll my eyes. ‘Mother. Have you ever known me to flutter my eyelashes …
ever
?’

Noah attempts to flutter his eyelashes; he looks like he’s having an epileptic fit.

Mum tries not to laugh at Noah’s antics, but she can’t help herself. ‘Sorry, love, but anyone can see you’re smitten! You keep staring off into space, you’ve lost your appetite – although you seem to be quite keen on that broccoli. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about … we’ve all been there.’

‘
I
haven’t!’ Noah says with as much indignation as someone with ketchup smeared around their mouth can muster.

I can feel myself blushing, which is too stupid for words. There’s no point in arguing with her though – that would only make her more convinced of my smittenness.

Mum takes pity on me when Noah starts pointing
and laughing about the fact that I’m blushing. She tells him to shut up and start eating. It seems like a good time to inform Mum that I have another ‘study date’ scheduled for tomorrow. ‘Don’t study
too
hard,’ she says, which makes me wonder if she knows that I’m lying after all. She has that Mum-knows-all look going on. But if she knew I was lying, surely she’d ground me or something? Unless she’s secretly happy that I’m getting laid at long last.

Later in the evening we’re sitting in front of the telly and she says, ‘You know, you and Lucas are perfectly welcome to study here whenever you like.’ I turn to look at her, but she keeps her eyes on the TV. It’s not that she’s smiling, not exactly. There’s just something about the look in her eyes, something about the corner of her mouth that looks like it could twitch into full-on smile mode any minute now. She knows.
Balls
.