Undiscovered Gyrl: The novel that inspired the movie ASK ME ANYTHING (Vintage Contemporaries) (7 page)

Sunday, December 9, 2007

 

Last night after I blogged, instead of doing nothing, Jade and Rory convinced me to go out. Normally I would never hang out with them together. They hate each other’s guts. But last night they were both so desperate to see me I made an exception. Jade needed to see me because she dumped her new boyfriend. Turns out he has herpes and didn’t tell her until after about the 20th time they boned without a condom. Oops! Sorry! And Rory needed to see me because his balls were deep, deep blue. He’d never say that, of course. He says he misses my pretty face.

I made sure I drove so that if they started fighting I could escape. I warned them both that if they didn’t play nice I’d strand them on the side of the road like red-haired foster kids. Ha! To balance things out Rory invited Willy Schmidt to come with. He’s the only one of Rory’s roommates I like and the only one who’s not in the band. He’s stocky but kind of soft like he’s never worked out a day in his life. He has a big smile and a blondish Afro and wears football jerseys with his jeans. (It’s forgivable because he wants to be a sports
agent someday.) Willy is one of the sweetest, smartest, funniest guys you’ll ever meet, and if I wasn’t so superficial I’d marry him.

We went to a movie called
Awake
which Jade heard was amazing. When it was over, Rory and Jade were so busy drooling over Jessica Alba’s ass they didn’t bother to mention that the movie was dreadful. The epitome of everything Dan and I despise about Hollywood. Thank god Willy agreed with me or I would have had to drive all of us into a tree. Next time I see Dan I will give him my vicious review. He jokes that he counts on me to keep him current on pop culture. He says I save him a fortune in movie tickets.

Rory wanted to go to this cool new strip club where he knows the bouncer, but Jade’s mom was out on one of her rare dates, so we decided to take advantage and hang out at her big tacky house instead. Jade’s dad moved out when Jade was in about the fifth grade. He had a sick love of mirrors and marble. You have never seen so much of both. The house looks like a giant bathroom. You can’t even eat at their dining room table because the whole time you’re seeing nine of yourself.

We got extremely high in the den which is still filled with her dad’s gold-painted furniture and books in Persian. Almost as soon as we turned on the T V, Jade and Willy got lost so Rory could maul me. We boned right there on the leather couch which stuck to my ass and made weird farting
sounds whenever he pumped. It made me laugh, which pissed Rory off, because he said if I were really into it I would not even hear the sound. Oops, sorry. Guess I’m not that into it then.

Jade didn’t inform me of this until later, but while Rory and I were in the den, she and Willy were in the kitchen. She leaned back against the fridge, grabbed his head, tongue-kissed him then pushed him down to his knees. And he did it! He lifted her denim skirt and ate her like a poodle! With all the lights on. And mirrors everywhere. The last thing I would want to look at during sex is a hundred copies of my own bright thighs.

“But you don’t even like him!” I said.

Jade replied “I don’t need to like a guy to let him give me head. I can even hate him. Just as long as he knows what he’s doing.”

Her eyes looked shiny and evil for a second. It really kind of scared me. But maybe I just imagined it because I feel so protective about Willy.

So that was my night. I should have just stayed home, right? Why is it so hard to stay home on a Saturday night? Why do we always think something exciting and new is going to happen when it never does?

A psycho opened fire today at a church in Colorado, killing four people before a security guard shot him dead. I’ve seen many news stories like this before, but watching this
one I cried like a little bitch. Why? Because I am a deep person? Because my heart is full of compassion? Because I love my fellow man? For a second I thought it was all three. Then I realized it was none of the above. Hormones, baby!

I just called my dad to inform him that my big birthday is less than a week away. Since he is off the hook about the car, I’m hoping maybe he’ll be so relieved he’ll give me something really good. He wasn’t home. I left a hinting message.

Wendola95 wrote to me, laughing her ass off that when I was describing my big date with Dan, I wrote “Dad” instead of “Dan.” Thank you so much. If you were not 13 years old I would hunt you down and kick your teeny-weeny ass.

Monday, December 10, 2007

 

Friday night was too wonderful for words. I cannot stop thinking about Dan. So guess what I’ve decided? When I tell you, you’re going to suggest I return to the psych ward for a big cup of pills. I want Dan to be my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it’s caaa-razy but it’s not like we have to get married. We can just make each other happy for a while, and then when it’s time for me to go to college or for him to get married, we’ll break up and stay friends. And if we can’t
do it, if it’s too painful to break up then maybe we’re one of those one in a million couples where age doesn’t matter. Like Charlie Chaplin and his wife Una who were way farther apart in age than us but got married anyway and had many children. They were still together years later when he died at the age of like 99. She was still pretty gorgeous and he looked like a miniature mummy in a wheelchair. I know this because before we watched
City Lights
Dan told me all about their love affair and showed me pictures of them online. It was my first silent movie and I really loved what I saw of it. Dan shouldn’t have told me about the Chaplins if he didn’t want me to get ideas!

To make it easier for Dan I will be very grown up and cool about certain things. For example, I won’t force him to introduce me to his friends, family and co-workers. Obviously if he wants to that would be flattering and wonderful but if he doesn’t, that’s fine. Another thing is I won’t get needy if he’s busy writing his P.H.D. and we don’t speak for a few days. I will live my life and trust that he loves me. Third, I won’t turn into a French psychotic before my period. I might cry for no reason and eat a two-pound bag of candy corn but I won’t call him a “selfish pig” and throw lamps at his head like Martine does. And the best part of all? I will let him have sex with my hot young body whenever he wants to. How great is that? How lucky is he?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

 

Margaret and I took Cole to a particular kind of baby class today called Rye. Paul is really into it. Rye believes in respecting babies and letting them do whatever they want just so long as they don’t hurt themselves or others. In class we laid Cole down on this big soft mat and then we were instructed to sit against the wall and observe as Cole interacted with all the other babies. Margaret was only allowed to butt in if Cole really needed her emotionally. He didn’t. Not much happened really. Only 2 of the 8 babies were even strong enough to turn over. The rest just laid there looking at the ceiling. They cried a lot. Sometimes they reached over for the only toys they were given—cloth napkins and the lids of plastic food containers. I wanted to cry too. I could not stop thinking about Dan. When will he call? It better be soon. Is he afraid of me now because I gave him a blow job? So many guys do this. Things get really hot sexually and instead of being psyched about it they start to disappear. It’s like they think you automatically want to marry them.

Many of you are really pissed at me for not answering your emails. Why should I? All you do is rag on me, call me names and correct my spelling, punctuation and grammar. You think I’m going to defend myself to you? Neeeevvvver!

Only Airesinmo said something positive. She thinks my relationship with Dan is thrilling and romantic. She finds guys under 25 as dreary as I do. She wishes she had a brilliant sexy older man like Dan to love and learn from. Hang in there, gyrl. You’ll find one. Just wear short skirts and don’t be afraid to make the first move. Older men are weak! Love you tons.

In four days I am no longer jailbait. My mom offered to buy me an iPod with fancy speakers. I told her I would prefer cold hard cash.

The best part of my job is every day at 3:00 when Paul comes home from work. He calls it “Happy Hour” not only because he has a G&T to relax but because we are all so happy to see him. We hang out and laugh and talk and he kisses the baby every ten seconds. What a marvelous father. It’s like a big celebration!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

 

My obsession interfered with my job performance today. I was carrying Cole in his basket while daydreaming about Dan. All of the sudden the basket shifted and I came really close to dropping Cole onto the tile floor. Scared the shit out of me! I stood there for like 10 seconds, clutching the
basket, while my heart pounded. Can you imagine if I had cracked their baby’s skull open on the kitchen floor? People forget how scary it is to be a nanny.

I needed to do something to stop being obsessed, so after work I drove straight over to Jade’s. When I walked into her mostly pink bedroom, she was downloading all the new music she missed while she was away.

“Yo, get off the computer, dude. I need your help.”

“Fuck you.”

“In your dreams, dyke.”

This is how we speak to each other. Some people find it disturbing, others think it is hilarious. My idea was for Jade to call Dan for me. If I called and Martine answered, that would be way too risky. Two hang-ups in one week? I don’t think so. Sure I could say “Oops, wrong number” but then she would hear a young female voice and that might make her suspect something. Jade was the perfect solution because if Martine answered, Jade could say “Oops, wrong number” in Tagalog, the native language of the Philippines. It sounds like a combination of Japanese and throwing up. Jade isn’t fluent but she definitely knows enough to fake a wrong number. Martine would be way too bewildered by the foreign tongue to get suspicious.

Unfortunately to ask Jade to do this I would have to tell her that I was still seeing Dan and that it had gotten way
more serious. As you know, I love Jade to death but don’t trust her at all. Why is it short girls always have such big mouths? But since she was so perfect for the job, I decided it was worth the risk. But first I made her swear on her vaginal health that she would never tell a single living soul what I was about to reveal. She got very excited. Nothing a blabbermouth loves more than a new secret not to keep!

I told her way more than I planned. Everything in fact. Here’s the funny part about her reaction—Jade was not judgmental at all about me cheating on Rory or even that Dan was cheating on Martine. The only thing that freaked her out was the age difference. She said that when an older guy goes out with a teenage girl, he’s either a letch who’s just using her body as a sperm bank or he’s emotionally retarded. I told her that for a slut she was being ridiculously neo-conservative. I told her Dan was not emotionally retarded at all, that he is a mature and complicated man. And as for the sex, if anyone was using anyone, it was me using him. He’d gone down on me about 12 times and I’d only gone down on him once.

I used Jade’s landline for the call. That way if Martine pressed *69, all she’d get was Jade’s mom’s outgoing voice message which is very middle-aged. While the call was ringing I whispered to the ceiling “Please god let him answer. Please god let him answer. Please god let him answer.”

Because there’s no such thing as god, Martine answered on the third ring. Why does he let her answer his cell phone?! Is he really that whipped?!

I quickly handed off the phone and Jade yelled out something in Tagalog. I imagined Martine’s snobby French face staring at the phone and saying “What the fuck?”

After Jade hung up, I laughed so hard I almost peed.

“What did you say to her?!” I asked.

“ ‘Where is that clock that we ate yesterday at the bathroom in the church?’ ”

I friggin’ howled!

Wrong numbers often come in twos so I knew I had a gift certificate for one more call. We killed a minute watching
Project Runway
on TiVo. Or as Jade calls it,
Project Bunway
, because it’s mostly freaked-out homos trying to sew on buttons before the time runs out. Jade said that pretty soon all we’re going to have is reality TV because the writers who write real TV shows are on strike. I had no idea. I am an ignorant teenager who lives only for love. I’ve got to read yahoonews more often. I dialed Dan’s number again and handed Jade the telephone. This time he answered. Smooth as silk, Jade said “Please hold for Miss Katherine.”

I grabbed the phone and spoke superfast.

“Don’t be mad! I just need to talk to you, okay? Call me back on my cell as soon as you can. If Martine asks you who
it was, just say some chick spewed a foreign language at you. Bye!”

Hang up.

Mission accomplished.

High five!

Jade and I then ate a veggie pizza and a spinach salad and watched some more panicking homos. I pretended to be in a good mood but inside I was praying for the phone to ring. Every few minutes Jade would ask another question about Dan. She was fascinated by our relationship. It was like she had just found out that I boned a dolphin or something. “Does he kiss the same? Does his skin feel different? Does he smell funny? Do you ever run out of stuff to talk about? Do his balls sag?”

“Stop being such a close-minded American,” I said, getting annoyed. “In Europe, girls date older guys all the time.”

I told her about Charlie Chaplin and Una. Jade had never heard of either one of them. I told her that maybe if she dated older men she would know who Charlie Chaplin was and wouldn’t be such a judgmental whore. She laughed at this. One of Jade’s best qualities is her ability to laugh at her own many faults.

Driving home through the frosty night with my ass toasting in the leather seat, I started to get scared. What if Dan was furious at me for calling? What if he never spoke to me again? My heart started racing and I was sure I was going to
crash. Then my phone rang. When I saw it was Dan, I screeched over to the side of the road. I picked up and before he could yell at me I said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Relax. She ran out for cigarettes. She’ll be back in five minutes. What’s up?”

He didn’t sound mad at all.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“Yeah, I figured. What?”

“Nothing bad, I promise. But I need to say it in person.” I made my voice all soft and sexy. “When can I come over?”

His breathing stopped.

I whispered like I was excited but scared too. “What I did to you last time? I want to do it again. Other stuff too. Everything.”

He didn’t talk but I could hear him start to breathe again. Slow, heavy and full of passionate desire. He was remembering what happened last time. How amazing it was.

Finally he answered. “Friday at 6:30.”

“Perfect.”

I hung up fast.

Ha!

I am so going to burn in hell!

Friday is going to be epic. Please send me your votes. Should I ask him to dump his girlfriend and go out with me before or after we make love? If I ask him before, he might
say yes because he wants to make love to me so bad. If I ask him afterwards, he might say yes because he wants more of what he just got. Is this confusing? Tough.

Must sleep now. I have a baby to take care of.

Phone ringing. Somebody loves me. Stand by.