Undertow (6 page)

“I know,” I sighed, leaning back on my arms. The ocean breeze kept the heat bearable, and I was in my bikini top and a skirt. “I was thinking how odd it was you never dated anyone in high school.”

She twisted her long hair up and stabbed a pencil in it. “I never met anybody I wanted to date in high school.”

“The whole time? Lexy, there were plenty of cute boys at our school.”

She shrugged, adjusting the spaghetti strap on her white sundress. I’d always admired how her smooth skin turned the color of coffee-milk after only a few days in the sun.

“They were all just interested in sports or hunting or sex,” she said. “I wanted to be outside and painting and free more than I wanted to worry about some boyfriend holding me down.”

“You’re worrying about one now,” I said, studying her face.

She looked down. “Is it obvious?”

“You haven’t said much about him since you’ve been back. Last semester you couldn’t talk about anything else.” I watched her fidgeting and tried to lighten the mood. “I wondered if you were there to study art or love.”

Her eyes flickered to mine and she did a little smile. “Some people think the two are inseparable.”

“So what’s going on? Why the separation?”

She exhaled, shoulders dropping. “All I know is he wanted to go to Paris to study with some master painter for the summer.”

“A male or female master painter?”

“Oh, Meg. I didn’t even get that far in my worries.” Her eyes became misty.

“I’m sorry!” I quickly crossed the space between us and held her hands. “I was just trying to tease you. It was a terrible joke. Have you heard from him at all?”

“No, but I’m trying to believe it’s because he’s very busy and international calling is complicated and expensive.” She touched the corner of her eyes. “And he doesn’t have my address here. I could get back to school and find a mountain of postcards.”

“Of course you could!” I said. “I’m sure of it. So, you guys got pretty close, I guess.”

“Very close.” She glanced over at little Will, now sleeping on the palette we’d made for him. “All the way close.”

“You did it! I can’t believe you slept with him and didn’t tell me!” I was so excited. And surprised. Lexy was always very traditional about things like that. I blamed the nuns.

“I tried calling but I never could reach you,” she said.

“So you liked it?”

“Well, no. Not at first.” Her eyes met mine, and we shared an understanding smile. “But after a while things improved and then by the end I liked it a lot.”

“That sounds about right.” I leaned forward and hugged her. “It was that way with me.”

She squeezed my arms before we both leaned back again. “Only, now I kind of wish I hadn’t gotten quite so close. I think I wouldn’t be missing him so much if I’d been a little more restrained.”

“Now don’t go second-guessing yourself,” I fussed. “You’ll go crazy with that kind of thinking.”

“I’m going crazy as it is.” I watched her rub her forehead hard. “Some nights I miss him so badly… I never understood wanting something like that before.”

I sighed. “Yeah, it’s a funny thing. Before it happens, you never know you have those feelings in you. Then after it happens, it’s like your body thinks you’re supposed to be getting it regularly or something.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m missing him or if I just got used to that constant attention and affection. And you know… having that need met.” She blushed dark red.

My brow creased. “But you do care about him, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “I mean, I think so. He’s very handsome, but he’s also smart and intelligent. He’s the first guy I’ve ever talked to that I didn’t have to explain everything I meant to all the time. He just got it right away.”

“Well, you’re both artists! You like the same things.”

“I know, and maybe that’s what it is.” She studied her palm. “It’s made a big difference in my wanting to be around him. I really love being in a relationship with someone I can talk to.”

“Well, Billy was a great high school boyfriend, and I don’t think we ever had that much to talk about.” I shook my hair back, giggling. “But I didn’t care. All I had to do was look at him to be completely happy.”

She pulled her long leg up and rested her chin on her bent knee. “How’s he doing as a college husband?”

I shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“That came out wrong.” I blinked. “He’s great! I just see how we’re changing as time passes, and things I didn’t think were so important before matter to me now.”

“Like what?” Her dark eyes studied my face.

“Like time. He’s gone so much, and I miss him. I can’t look at him when he’s never home.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“Yeah, but we just end up fighting.” I dropped my hands to my lap hard. “And he’s right. We had this conversation before we got married, and I said I could handle it.”

“Well, people do change. That’s life. You can’t help if what you wanted then is different from what you want now.”

“I think it’s having Will,” I sighed. “Everything changes once you become a mama. I look at stuff differently from how I used to now.”

Lexy’s brow creased, and she paused a beat before asking. “Are you sorry you married Bill?”

“What? No!” I cried. “I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. He’s everything to me. That’s part of the reason it’s so hard.” I looked down, suddenly feeling sad.

“You know, another year, and he’ll almost be done. Can you throw yourself into motherhood and see if that helps the time pass? He can’t work like this forever.”

“Oh, Lexy, I wish you didn’t have to go!” My breath caught in my throat, and I was afraid I might cry. “I need you to stay and help me keep things in perspective.”

She laughed and hugged me. “But I’ve got to follow my own little plan.”

“All you people and your plans,” I pouted. “I’m sick of them.”

“Then make a plan of your own!” she laughed. “What do you want to be doing in the next five years?”

“Having more babies. Building my home on Hammond Island.”

She laughed more. “Then you’d better stop complaining about how hard your husband’s working!”

She was right. I did want the things that Billy’s ambition was going to get for us. I had to find some other way to occupy my time. I had to come up with a plan of my own.

Sept. 5, 19--

Daddy died on a Tuesday.

I imagined him going to work that morning thinking it would be a day just like any other. What medical problems would he face today? Then for whatever reason, his heart stopped. He was sitting behind his desk, and out of nowhere, his heart stopped and his life was over. The nurses said they did everything they knew to do. Travis said they took him immediately to the cardiac unit and tried to revive him, but he was gone.

Gone.

I could never again go to his house and sit on the porch while he smoked his pipe and read the paper. I could never again take little Will to Pawpaw to climb on his legs and make him smile. He would never again pat my head and call me his golden girl. Not ever again.

And all I could do was cry.

But the tears didn’t make any difference.

Nothing made any difference.

Billy was very sweet through it all. He talked to his professors and was able to get a few days off from class. He took charge of the situation, making funeral arrangements, contacting relatives, taking care of Daddy’s life insurance and financial arrangements for Mama.

Mama went to pieces. She wouldn’t even leave her room or see anybody. I tried to bring Will to see her, but she sent us away. She said she didn’t want him to see Gigi in a state. Those were her exact words.

I called Lexy as soon as I could think straight. If anybody could comfort me, it was her, and she’d want to know. I didn’t know if she could get out of classes since he wasn’t her daddy, but I hoped she could at least make it for the funeral.

She’s such a good friend. She said she’d be here right away.

I’ve just been wandering around the cottage holding Will and crying. He’s almost a year old now, and he doesn’t like being held as much. But he can tell something’s going on. He’s very quiet and lets me hold him anyway.

Every now and then he’ll say “Pawpaw?” in his little baby voice. I think he knows we’re talking about Daddy, but how can he understand his old friend is gone? That he won’t be making the occasional rounds with Dr. Weaver, visiting elderly patients and making them smile. I just hug him close and tell him Pawpaw’s up in heaven.

My sweet little son. I know Daddy would want us to focus on Will and the future and not get bogged down in all of this, but it’s hard not to cry every time I think of him. He was so proud of his little grandson. By the time the family gets here, I’ll be ready to put on a brave face, but for now I’ll just hold my little boy and cry.

Oct. 15, 19--

Mama really fell apart after Daddy died. She seemed to lose interest in everything, and I couldn’t find a way to help her. I’d take Will over for visits, and she wouldn’t even get out of bed. We’d sit with her and talk, but she would just start crying. I didn’t know what to do. When Mrs. Claudine Edwards called, it was like a miracle.

Mrs. Claudine lives in Arizona, and she and Mama were friends growing up. Sort of like Lexy and me. She asked me to send Mama out for an extended visit, and as much as I hated losing my favorite company and best babysitter, I knew it was for the best.

“I can’t leave you with the baby like this,” Mama protested. “You don’t have anyone to spend your days with.”

“Well, don’t talk me out of it!” I tried to joke. “I was already having a hard time deciding if I wanted to send you in the first place.”

“That settles it, then. I’m not going.” Her lined face looked ten years older than yesterday.

“You can’t stay here,” I said. “It’s too painful for you, and I think if you got out of this house, you might start finding your way again.”

“Meg,” she breathed, her forehead relaxing slightly. “I’ve done my best to protect you, and listen how wise you are. But if I leave, you’ll be all alone. Then what?”

“So I might be alone some,” I shrugged. “I just won’t focus on it. If my life gets too dreary, I’ll go shopping.” I smiled. “What in the world do I have to complain about?”

She nodded. “You have a good attitude, but I’m afraid it makes people think you aren’t very deep.”

My shoulders felt tight with irritation. “What does that even mean? Deep? I’ve seen more deep people ripped to shreds than I can count. I’m glad I’m not ambitious or over-achieving. Somebody’s got to live their life.”

“I know your daddy was always at that office working and forcing life to happen. He was an over-achiever, too.”

“Like Billy. Except I don’t think Daddy ever really liked Billy,” I said.

“Bill is like your father in a lot of ways, but he’s different from him, too.” Mama held my hand. “I don’t think Bill’s really sorted out what he wants yet. He only seems to know what he doesn’t want.”

“To be a horse rancher? Or to be inconsequential?” I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “He’d say he just doesn’t like the heat and humidity.”

“What about you? I’ve been concerned for some time that you might be the one feeling inconsequential.”

“Are you kidding? Somebody’s got to provide him with moral support. Him and Lexy, too, for that matter.” I squeezed her hand. “They like to act so courageous and ready to take on the world, but the truth is they second-guess everything they do.”

“So if I’m in Sedona, what will you do?” She studied my face.

“Shop, get my nails done, dress up the baby. I have an image to maintain after all.”

“And once you’re completely perfect, then what will you do?”

My shoulders dropped with my sigh. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about that for a while now, and I can’t seem to come up with anything to get all fired up about. Other than my family. I really want to have another baby soon.”

“I can’t see that husband of yours being ready for that. He wasn’t particularly ready for baby number one.”

“I know, but it’s not like he’s had to do anything.” My brow creased. “I’ve taken care of little Will, and Billy’s been able to pursue his dreams as much as he wants.”

Mama’s lips tightened with concern, and I studied her white hair, smooth and beautiful. “That’s what worries me,” she said.

“I think you’re just in a worrying sort of mood right now.” I smiled, hoping to put her mind at ease. “Get out to the sunshine and dry air. It’ll improve your health.”

“I want to hear from you regularly, and I intend to make frequent return trips home.”

“You’d better!”

“And if my only child has any needs, she’d better let me know.”

“I’m not in the habit of not asking for what I want,” I teased.

So Mama left for Sedona, and it only took one visit for her to realize she wanted to stay there. After a few return trips, she started talking about selling the old home and making Arizona her permanent residence, but I convinced her to wait. I have an idea of my own for filling the old family place. At least until my house on Hammond Island is built.