Under the Moon's Shadow (40 page)

Ethan shook his head.

“They weren’t you.” She met his gaze for an instant before she stood, walking to the dresser to play with the handles on the drawers as she let her nerves calm down. She finally faced him again, her arms crossed.

“If a single one of those men had made me feel half as much as you did, I’d have married him. But none of them did. God help me, not even the guy I slept with in college.”

He started toward her. “Beth…”

She held up her hand and stopped him. “If I don’t finish it now, I won’t be able to.” He eased back down onto the bed and waited for her to continue. After a moment, she did. “After I was shot and after I left, I looked closer at myself than most people probably ever do. I didn’t like what I saw.

“I swear I didn’t do it intentionally, but I’d gotten this idea in my head of what my life was going to be like and everything I’ve done since I was a teenager has been directed toward achieving those goals. I knew that I would go to college and get my degree, and then I would come back here and work at the paper. In a few years when Marshall was ready to retire, I’d take over and become editor.”

The next part was the hardest. “I also thought in the back of my mind that someday I would win you over, you would realize you loved me, we would get married and live happily ever after, kids, dogs, house - the whole nine yards. I never stopped to really consider where your feelings fit into the picture.” Running her hands through her hair, her laughter was ragged.

“After I left and started analyzing my life, I thought back over the last few months before the shooting. When I realized what I’d done? There just aren’t words for the guilt,” she whispered. “We fought like cats and dogs most of last year, Ethan. I blamed you for that, for running hot and cold, and I truly saw myself as some blameless victim.

“What I failed to realize was that I had been pushing you, deliberately provoking you into doing and saying most of what went on. I never stopped to think about what I was doing, and what the impact was on you or your life. That’s why I owe you an apology. I’m so sorry. I’m just so damned sorry.”

She clamped her hand across her mouth and tried to hold back the tears as Ethan stood up. He hurried over and pulled her into his arms, and she wrapped her arms around him and clung tightly. Rocking her back and forth, he stroked her back with his hands, holding her until he felt some of the tension leave her body.

“Do you honestly think you’re the only one who felt that way? You have no idea how long I’ve fought the way I feel about you. I told you earlier. You don’t owe me an apology. Not for anything. I meant that.” She started to speak, but he silenced her with a soft finger across her lips.

“What happened between us last year, it had been building for a long, long time. If you want to blame someone, blame me. I was determined to ignore my feelings for you, and it didn’t matter that I was hurting you because I wanted you to hurt. I didn’t think it was fair that I was the only one suffering. I wanted you to feel the same pain I did,” he admitted, letting his arms fall. He moved back to sit on the bed. He didn’t speak again for several minutes, and when he did, his voice was low.

“You aren’t the only one with embarrassing confessions to make. I never thought I was good enough for you. I always figured if I made a move in your direction, your brothers would kill me. You were Beth Hudson, polished, wealthy. Your family is the royalty of Olman County, and I was just that Mexican kid who tried to pretend he was white. Who was I to be putting my hands on you?”

Beth was astonished. “Ethan Moore, you know better than that. We’ve never treated you like you were second-class.”

“My head may have known it, but my heart didn’t. Do you know why Nina called off our wedding?”

She didn’t really want to hear the answer, but knew she didn’t have a choice. She shook her head.

“She found out that my father was a first-generation American, that my grandparents are Mexican. Let me tell you, I’ve had to endure some pretty harsh teasing over the years, but the things she said to me cut deep. It changed me.”

Beth sat back down beside him. “You really loved her, didn’t you?”

Ethan shook his head. “Not the way I needed to. Not the way I should have, and it really doesn’t matter now, in any event. After we split up, I started watching the way women responded to me. Most of them couldn’t have cared less who I was inside. They were either looking at the uniform or at my skin color, either way seeing me as a notch on their bedposts, and after a while, it started to get to me. You were different. I knew that, intellectually. But emotionally…

“When I couldn’t fight this attraction for you any longer, I got defensive. I wasn’t going to give you the chance to get at me the way she had, because I knew if you tore me apart like that, I’d never survive it.”

“So you pushed me away.”

He nodded and his eyes closed briefly. “Even though all I wanted to do was pull you closer.”

For a few minutes they sat in silence, each taking in what the other had said.

“Where does that leave us?” Beth asked.

“Hell if I know. Where do you want to go?”

She leaned her forehead against his shoulder and laughed softly. “To quote you, ‘hell if I know.’ And I asked you first.”

He chuckled. “You want the truth?”

“Nothing but. Tell me.”

“I want you,” he said simply. He let that sink in a moment before he continued. “I want a chance to be with you, see what we really have. I want it all. If I can’t have it all, then I’ll take whatever you want to give me.”

Beth was speechless, and when he saw that, Ethan smiled sadly. “I’m tired of fighting. We almost destroyed each other last year. If you hadn’t survived the shooting? I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself.”

He stood and walked to the door. “On top of what we did to each other, there’s all this collateral damage. I’m pretty sure Jason will forgive me with time, but what about Chase? We’ve been friends for over fifteen years now. I’m certain that your being kidnapped brought back everything he went through with Kiely. He blames me for leading Ruby to you, and he’s right. I can’t expect him to forgive me. I don’t think I would be able to, in his shoes.”

“I think you’re right about Jason, but Chase is different now.” Beth watched as his shoulders slumped a little at her words. “There’s more collateral damage, though.”

“What do you mean?” He turned toward her, arms crossed over his chest.

She forced her gaze to his. “I mean your drinking.”

His mouth twisted. “There is that.” His tone was laced with self-loathing. “What do you want to know? I’m an alcoholic. I’ve joined AA. Some days are worse than others.”

“How long have you been sober?”

“Since January first. That makes what? Three and a half months? Now ask me how long it’s been since I wanted a drink.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. How long?” She moved off the bed and walked to where he stood in the doorway. Tipping her head back, she met his eyes.

When he saw the calm acceptance on her face, he sighed. “About ten minutes, if that.”

Beth raised her hands and laid them on his arms. She felt the muscles bunch, and she squeezed lightly as he looked away, embarrassed. His eyes glistened with tears, and he tried to pull away, but she grabbed his hands.

“Please don’t shut me out. Let me in. Let me help you.”

“I can’t.” He managed to get his hands free, and turned to go down the hall.

“Ethan, wait.” She rushed after him and grabbed the back of his shirt. Holding on with a firm grasp, she managed to stop him, and they stood in the darkening hall with the house silent around them. Her hand still fisted in his shirt, she moved closer and placed her other hand gently on his back. “You stubborn man, let me in.”

At her touch, his control snapped, and he sank to his knees. Arms wrapped around his stomach, he bent at the waist as the tears took over.

She moved in front of him and slid her arms around his neck, pulling him as close as she could. “It’s okay. Let it out. Just let it out, let it go.” She pressed a kiss to his dark head and settled her back against the wall. When she was settled comfortably, she pulled an unresisting Ethan into her arms and just let him cry.

For a long while, they just sat there, Beth soothing him as he let go of some of his demons. When he finally quieted down, she twisted, reaching into her jeans pocket for the package of travel tissues she had grabbed out of her purse.

“I knew those would come in handy.” She pulled out a couple of tissues, which she handed to him. As he sat up and faced away from her, blowing his nose, she continued to rub his back. He started to stand up, and she grabbed at one of his hands.

“Don’t go. Please?”

Ethan stopped and turned his head halfway toward her.

“I - I need to hold you.”

He snorted.  “I just bawled like a baby. Yeah, I can see how that’s attractive.”

Beth stood and walked up to him, standing toe to toe. “You idiot. Do you always have to be so damned stoic? I don’t want you to take me to bed, I want to feel your arms around me.”

With a ragged groan, he pulled her close. “Let’s go downstairs, then.”

Keeping her hand in his, he led her down to the living room and settled in on the couch. He opened his arms and, kicking off her shoes, Beth snuggled into his lap. Ethan wrapped arms and legs around her, and placed a gentle kiss on her head.

“Okay?”

She nodded.  “Very. No place I’d rather be.”

~ * * * ~

Beth wasn’t sure exactly how long they stayed like that, wrapped around each other. It had been falling dark when they left the bedroom, and it was fully dark now. If the phone hadn’t trilled when it did, they might have sat there all night.

Turning, Ethan reached for the cordless handset that sat on the table behind him, switching on the lamp in the process. He answered, and his gaze shot to hers, unreadable, as he handed her the phone.

“It’s Chase.”

As she took the phone, Ethan got up and headed to the downstairs bathroom. He closed the door quietly behind him, and she put the receiver up to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Are you okay? What the hell are you doing over there, anyhow?” Chase demanded.

“Excuse me? What business is that of yours?”

“You’ve been gone for hours, and we couldn’t get you on your phone. What were we supposed to think? Anything could have happened.” She held the phone away from her ear and tried to calm down by counting to ten. Twice. It didn’t work.

“What time is it, Chase? I don’t have a clock around me.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line before her brother answered. “It’s nearly eight o’clock.”

Beth snorted, and she drew in a deep breath before she spoke in a futile attempt to hold on to her temper. Ethan came out of the bathroom and walked to where she sat, his expression guarded. She patted the couch beside her and he sat down.

“I didn’t get here until six o’clock. You said it’s not quite eight o’clock now? That’s not even two hours. Where are you? At the farm?”

“Yeah. Do you need me to come get you? I can be over there in five minutes.”

“No, Chase. I do not need you to come get me,” Beth gritted. “Is Daddy there?”

“Yes, why?”

“Put him on the phone.” After a minute, she heard her brother swear ripely, followed by her mother’s sharp retort. She smiled as she thought about just how dearly he would pay for that comment.

Richard came on the line, muttering about how his children were supposed to be adults now. “Honey? You okay?”

“I’m fine. What’s his problem? I’ve not been gone that long, and it’s none of his business, besides. Can you keep him from coming over here?”

Richard groaned, and she could just imagine him running his hand through his hair. “You take care of whatever you need to take care of. We’re fine here.” She heard Chase’s protest in the background as their father hung the phone up. Hitting the “end” button, she handed the phone back to Ethan.

“My mother’s Swear Jar is going to be overflowing by the time Chase leaves there tonight, and my brother is going to be lucky if he gets out of there without getting his mouth washed out with soap, thirty-one years old or not.”

Ethan gave a small laugh at the picture she painted, but his amusement didn’t last long. “He’s so angry. You know this isn’t the end of it. He’s liable to drive over here.”

“I know.” She rested her head against his shoulder. “Ethan, I love you, but I need time. I need to think about what we’ve talked about here. I’m not sure I can put myself out there again. It isn’t fair to either of us to try if I can’t take that step. Do you understand?”

“I do.” He stood up and held his hand out for hers, tugging her to her feet. He kept her hand in his and used the connection to pull her close. With his other hand, he pushed the hair back off her face and touched his lips to hers in a gentle, but thorough kiss.

Pulling back, he groaned. “I’ll walk you out. If you don’t get home soon, Chase will be over here.  I don’t think that’s what any of us needs tonight.” When they reached the front door, he put his hand on the doorknob, but didn’t turn it. Lifting their joined hands, he kissed her knuckles. “I love you, too, you know. If it makes a difference.”

He opened the door and Beth moved past him with a teary smile. “It makes a big difference. I’ll call you, okay?” She knew she didn’t have a choice, but leaving Ethan standing there was one of the hardest things she’d done, and she’d had a lot of hard choices lately.

~ * * * ~

Ethan watched as Beth backed out of the driveway. He closed the door and scrubbed his hands over his face, weary to the bone. When he glanced at his watch, he saw that it was only eight thirty. “This has been the longest day.” His words seemed loud in the quiet of the empty house. Locking the door, he trudged back upstairs to the bedroom. The appeal of the bed was nearly as strong as the pull of alcohol. He decided to go with the lesser evil, and pulled the bedding back. He stripped and crawled between the sheets, thinking he’d never get to sleep. To his surprise, though, he was out almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.