Under the Hawthorn Tree (38 page)

She was too afraid to move her hand because she knew what she would find further down. She had seen those of very little boys; they weren't embarrassed about peeing in public. She had also once seen a man's thing on an acupuncture chart, but she hardly dared look at it more carefully.

He took hold of her hand and started edging it lower down until she touched his hair. ‘Men also have hair down there?' she asked, shocked. The acupuncture chart didn't have any hair on it, it was perfectly smooth.

‘Did you think only girls have hair there?' He laughed.

‘How do you know girls have hair there?' she asked, even more shocked.

‘That's common knowledge, it says so in books.' He led her hand to his hot, hard place.

‘Do you have a fever? Why is it swollen?'

He groaned. ‘Don't . . . be scared, I'm fine. Take hold of it, it likes that, hold it tight . . .'

She held it tightly, but her hands were only small, so she couldn't hold all of it. She squeezed it lightly. It moved and Old Third shook. ‘It doesn't seem to like me holding it, it keeps trying to get away . . .'

‘It likes it, it's not running away, it's . . . jumping. Do you remember the time by the river, when we were swimming? I saw you in your swimsuit, and it . . . was doing this then. I was scared you would see, so I hid in the water.'

It all started to fall into place. ‘And what about the time when you carried me across the river, was it doing this then?' He closed his eyes and nodded. ‘But I wasn't wearing a swimsuit that day, why would it . . .'

He laughed, and suddenly took her in his arms, kissing her all over her face in a frenzy of passion. ‘I only have to brush against you, see you, think of you, and it gets like this. Grab it, grab it tight, don't be scared.'

She still didn't understand what it was she was supposed to do. She felt it turn hot inside her hand, it seemed to be twitching. I must be squeezing too tight. She was about to loosen her grip when he grabbed her hand, he wouldn't let her. She wrapped her other arm around him and felt his back drenched in sweat. ‘Are you all right? Shall I get the doctor?'

He shook his head. Then after some time replied quietly, ‘I'm fine, I'm great. When we're together, I feel as if I'm flying. I want to take you with me. But I can't be with you for much longer.' He took the towel and wiped her hand. ‘Do you think it's disgusting? Don't be scared, it's not dirty. It's . . . what babies are made of.'

She used a pillowslip to wipe his back and body. His sweat had even soaked the sheets. Then, as he had done earlier, she stretched out her arm and let him rest his head on her chest. He curled up and lay like that, exhausted. Even his hair was soaking wet. The flying must have tired him out. Her heart ached as he drifted off to sleep in her arms. She listened to his steady, light breathing, as she slipped into a dream.

She woke some time later with Old Third burning hot like an oven on her chest. It was so nice to sleep together but now she felt red-hot. Her woollen underwear was jabbing into her all over, and her sports bra was pressing into her uncomfortably. Her mother had always taught her to undo her bra before bed because, she said, you could get cancer if you were bound in too tight. She wanted to take off her top and long johns and undo her bra, but she was afraid to wake him up.

As she was hestitating, he opened his eyes. ‘Aren't you sleeping?'

‘I was, I'm just too hot. I want to take my clothes off.' She wriggled out of them. ‘Do you want to look at me? Didn't you say you'd never seen a woman before? I'll show you . . .'

‘There's no need, I was just rambling.'

‘Don't you want to look at me?'

‘How could I not? I want to so very much, every day, every moment. But I . . .'

Just as he had done, she placed each item of clothing, one by one, on top of the covers, then she took his hand and laid it on her chest. ‘Use your hand . . .'

He pulled his hand away as if he had just been scalded. ‘No, don't, I'm scared I . . . won't be able to stop myself . . .'

‘From doing what?'

‘From doing the thing husbands and wives do.'

‘Then do it.'

He shook his head. ‘You're going to get married one day, save yourself for your . . . husband.'

‘I won't get married, I want to marry you. If you go, I'm coming with you. Do whatever you want. Otherwise, you'll die without having that pleasure, and so will I.'

He used his hand to explore her. To her, his touch felt like an electric shock, wherever his hand roamed her skin tingled, even on her scalp. He used his hands to squeeze her breasts. She melted, and it felt as if something was gushing out down below.

‘Wait, wait,' she said, flustered, ‘I think . . . my old friend is back. Don't let the sheets get dirty.' They both sprang out of bed. But when she looked at the sheets there was no sign of blood. It was something clear that looked like water. ‘I was wrong, I had it only last week anyway,' she apologised.

She saw him standing there, naked, his eyes fixed on her naked body. She could see everything and, she thought, he must be able to see all of me too. She leapt under the covers, her whole body shivering.

He followed her, took her in his arms and, trying to catch his breath, he said, ‘You're so beautiful, so perfect, just like a Greek goddess. Why don't you like your . . . that they're so big, they're so beautiful.' He held her tightly. ‘I want to take you flying . . .'

‘Then take me flying.'

He sighed quietly, and then carefully climbed on top of her.

It was evening the following day by the time Jingqiu arrived back on the farm. Old Third insisted on accompanying her up the mountain to the point where they could see the farm's L-shaped building, before, reluctantly, they separated.

Old Third said he was still waiting for the last, conclusive test results, and he'd lose his temper if she didn't go back to work on the farm. They arranged to meet again at Nurse Gao's room in two weeks' time when she would next have some time off, and were he to have been discharged already, he would come back. He agreed to write to her at once if the tests confirmed that he had leukaemia, but if there was no news it was good news.

That evening, Jingqiu went to speak to Mr Zheng to ask him not to send back any more letters. ‘I have a friend who teaches at Yanjia River Middle School, and she said that she sent me some letters here to the farm, using the address you gave me, but they were all returned to sender. Do you know what might have happened?'

‘The address is right.' Mr Zheng was perplexed. ‘Who would have sent them back?'

He's a good actor, she thought. ‘Who delivers the letters up here?'

‘The letters only get as far as the production brigade. Usually my father brings them back when he goes down there, and I bring them here when I come back from visiting. My father knows everyone's names here, so he wouldn't have sent them back. Do you think I sent them back? I swear on my Party membership, it wasn't me who returned your letters.'

Jingqiu couldn't very well say anything more after this declaration but she was sure that he wouldn't dare send back any more letters.

She spent the days making food for the students and, when she had time, working in the fields. In the evenings, when she went to bed, she closed her eyes and thought of the day and night she had spent with Old Third, especially the night. It sent waves of emotion through her. On occasion she would touch herself, but she didn't feel anything. How strange, how come when Old Third did it, it felt electric? She longed to fly away with him, they should soar away together, while they still could.

She had heard someone say that the thing boys and girls do together transformed your body shape, the way you walk, even the way you urinate. ‘Young girls pee like fountains, women pee like waterfalls.' But they had never explained exactly how it transformed your body, nor how it would make you walk differently. She didn't think she walked any differently, although she did feel somewhat on edge, constantly afraid that people would detect a change in her gait.

The week passed slowly, and that Sunday evening Miss Zhao, who the day before had gone home for a holiday, had still not returned to the farm. After another two days a letter arrived saying that she had had an abortion and would need to rest at home for a month. Jingqiu was stunned by this news. If Miss Zhao wasn't coming back for a month that would mean Jingqiu couldn't go back to Yichang the following week. There were only the two of them in charge of the food, so someone had to stay.

She was burning with anxiety, and she rushed to find Mr Zheng. ‘I promised Mother I would go home next weekend, and if I don't, she'll be worried sick.'

‘Miss Zhao is staying in the city, your mother will know that, and that you have to stay on the farm. She won't be worried. The school will send someone to replace Miss Zhao. If you wait just a week or two I'll give you a couple more days' holiday. You're the only one preparing all our meals now, so work will be a bit tough, but you'll be helping all of us at the farm.'

Jingqiu was so miserable she could barely speak. She had no idea how she was going to let Old Third know that she couldn't make it. Thankfully there had been no letter from him, so that meant that there was no definite diagnosis yet. She would just have to be patient for a few more days, and trust that Old Third would understand.

After a few days, the school sent Miss Li to the farm and Jingqiu begged Mr Zheng to let her take time off to go back home. Mr Zheng had planned that Jingqiu stay another week so that she could teach Miss Li how they did things, but Jingqiu flatly refused. Mr Zheng had never known her to refuse an instruction like this and he was not happy about it, but ultimately felt he had no choice and let her go.

It was already a week later than their prearranged date, but Jingqiu believed that Old Third would wait for her. She set off very early on Saturday morning and made her way from Fujia Plateau to Yanjia River, where she caught the first bus to the county hospital. She went straight to Old Third's ward but he wasn't there and the other people in the ward were all new so they had never heard of Sun Jianxin.

Jingqiu went to Nurse Gao's room but Old Third wasn't there either. She ran to find Nurse Gao but was told it was her day off. She begged and pleaded to be told where Nurse Gao lived and she rushed to her house, but Nurse Gao was not home. She waited there until well into the afternoon when Nurse Gao finally returned from her mother-in-law's house. Jingqiu introduced herself as Sun Jianxin's friend, and said that she was trying to find out where he had gone.

‘Oh, you're Jingqiu? You're the one Sun borrowed my room for that day?' Jingqiu nodded. ‘Sun left the hospital a while ago,' Nurse Gao continued. ‘He wrote you a note, but I left it in my room at the hospital. Come, we can go and get it.'

Jingqiu was overcome with emotion, the events of that night crowding her thoughts.

Old Third's note. It wasn't in an envelope, but folded into the shape of a dove. A bad feeling came over her.

I am so sorry that I lied to you, this is the first time, and will be the last time that I ever do so. I don't have leukaemia, I made it up so that I could see you one last time before I left.

My dad hasn't been well recently, and he wants me to go back home to look after him, so he secretly arranged for me to be transferred. I should have gone back ages ago, but I wanted to see you, so I waited for an opportunity. It was heaven's will that I got to see you one last time, that I spent such a wonderful day and night with you. Now I can leave with no regrets.

I once promised your mother that I would wait for you for thirteen months, and I also promised you that I would wait until you turned twenty-five. It seems like I can't keep these promises. The love between a man and woman cannot do anything to resist an order from one's superiors. Blame me if you want, it is all my fault.

The man with the same name as me can protect you from future tempests, he will do everything for you, I trust that he is a good person. If you let him grow old with you then I will be happy for you both.

The letter was like a blow to the head with a cudgel. Jingqiu felt dull, she couldn't understand what it was Old Third was saying. He must have leukaemia. He's lying so that I will forget him, so that I will move on and live a happy life.

‘Do you know what was wrong with Sun?'

‘Didn't you know? He had a very bad cold.'

‘Why did I hear that he has . . . leukaemia then?' Jingqiu asked carefully.

‘Leukaemia?' Nurse Gao's surprise confirmed that she wasn't pretending. ‘I didn't hear that. If he did have it, he wouldn't be in this small hospital, surely? We don't have much here and anyone with anything the least bit serious gets transferred elsewhere.'

‘When did he leave?'

Nurse Gao thought for a second. ‘It must have been two weeks ago. I was on the day shift, and I change every week, so yes, it must have been two weeks ago.'

‘Did he come back last weekend?'

‘I don't know, but he had given back the keys to my room.'

Did he write the letter because I didn't come? Did he overreact? But Old Third wasn't the type to read so much into her missing their appointment.

She didn't know why she was still sitting there, it wasn't going to bring Old Third back. She thought of going to find him at the second unit, but when she asked Nurse Gao the time, she discovered it was too late, there were no more buses to Yanjia River. All she could do was thank Nurse Gao and on the bus to Yichang.

Once at home, it was impossible for her to be calm. The worst of it was that she didn't know what was really going on. She had never been so depressed and she found it difficult to talk to family and friends.