Undead and Unforgiven (26 page)

“Oh. Well.” I looked at the Ant. “Thanks for sticking up for me.”

“Let's not talk about it.”

I laughed; I couldn't help it. “Agreed. It'll never be spoken of again.” And to my great surprise, I got a real smile out of Antonia Taylor for the first time ever.

CHAPTER

FORTY-THREE

The last thing. Well, the second-to-last thing. Laura was fretting impatiently in the Peach Parlor (she was no longer welcome in the kitchen and was forever barred from Smoothie Time). “Finally,” she complained, which for some reason she thought was an acceptable greeting. “I've been here five minutes.”

“Yeah, yeah. It's been a busy day. Thanks for coming.”

“Yes, well. I imagine you have some things to say to me.”

I just looked at her. She was earnest and smug, and a little nervous. She looked beautiful, as she always did. She'd taken some care with her appearance; I'd never seen her in a sweater dress before. Deep blue, knee length, with ribbed tights in the same shade. Scuffed flats from Payless, which I heroically decided to ignore. Long hair held back from her face with a wide black headband. No makeup; the lucky bitch didn't need it.

“It doesn't matter what you say,” she said, clearly anxious to get on with her agenda. “I'm going forward with this. You think the media was bad this week? More and more cities are picking up the story. People who've been attacked by your vampires are speaking up, since they realize there's a good chance they'll be believed. None of your denials will—”

“We're not denying it.”

“—do any— What?”

“We're not. Denying it. Oh, the first plan was to kidnap and rape a bunch of brains, specifically media brains, you know, the usual. But we're not doing that this time. We're not denying anything; we're not fighting you on this. At all.”

“That— You're lying.”

“Nope.”

“You are.”

“Nope. And I've got you to thank for it.”

“Now you
are
lying.”

“Are you as deaf as you are outmatched? Pay attention: I've made some changes in Hell and they're going pretty great.” That might be an exaggeration, but Laura didn't need to know that. “Sometimes old, outdated rules are old and outdated, so they've gotta be pitched. Or at least reworked. Doing the job
you
tricked me into is what gave me the idea, so thanks for that.”

“You would never. It's too dangerous. You'd never risk
your people
.” That last was spit out; oooh, jealous much?
The mindless worshipping minions not really doing it for you, Laura? It's not much good without friends, is it?
“It's too risky.”

I laughed. “Risky. That's funny. What isn't these days? You used to know that, before you turned traitor. Oh, and you might have doomed the planet, too.”

“I— No!” She was on her feet, but I didn't move. I was nice and comfy on the love seat across from her and would
remain relaxed while she lost her shit. I have to say: I was really looking forward to it. “That's
you
; that's your people, your vampire nation. That's why you have to stay in the shadows; that's why you're lying about coming forward—”

“And that's exactly my point: we can't stay in the shadows anymore. Time to embrace the twenty-first century and the sooner the better. We probably would have come to this decision on our own, just not this soon. But . . .” I shrugged. “Since you're bringing it about, why fight it? But that's the least of your problems because, again, you might have screwed the world. Good trick for a virgin!”

“Why are you lying?” This in a whisper, and I had to grit my teeth

(stay strong stay strong she's her mother's daughter but you are too)

at her sad, overwhelmed expression. Poor kid. No fucking idea what she'd unleashed—as usual.

“Betsy, just tell me the truth. Okay? Stop saying these lies and trying to get me upset and just be honest.”

“Okay.” I pinched the bridge of my nose and had sympathy for anyone who'd had to deal with me when I did something deliberately, awfully stupid. “Here's the truth: you're such a numb-cunt sometimes.” I hated that word, I almost never used it. It was so cruel and misogynistic and filthy. But it had to be said. The Antichrist was a cunt.

Shocked, she had no response, but her knuckles whitened. Since she wasn't clutching anything, it was kind of impressive.

“You remember Ancient Me in the future, right? That particular detail hasn't vacated your brain while you've been running around implementing phase one of Getting Daddy to Love You, right?”

She reddened. “That's not—”

“And you remember how I'd— How shall I put this? How in the future I
took over the fucking planet and ruled
over a desolate winter wasteland
, right?
21
You recall that? Vaguely?”

“But that's— We fixed it. When we came back the timeline was changed so that could never—”

“Maybe one of the reasons Crone Betsy took over was because somebody outed vampires and she had to take on the world, you oblivious shithead! Did you ever once think of that?”

She hadn't. I could see it on her face. She rallied pretty quickly, though, and I saw some of my own “this has caught me off guard but I'm surging ahead anyway, so fuck it” attitude come to the fore. “That won't happen. The tyrant Betsy made Marc a vampire . . .
you
made him a zombie.”

“No, fuckwit, Ancient Me made him a zombie!” Somehow Old Me had gone back in time, raised recently suicided Marc as a zombie, and disappeared back to her own timeline, never to be seen again. “How can you forget this really important shit when you were there? Oh, but I know how.” I stood, because I was kicking her out. “You don't give a shit about saving the world. Outing us isn't about protecting people, it's about proving you're good and I'm not. So, prove it. Actually
help people
instead of stirring up shit. And did it never occur to you that I might tell the world you're the Antichrist?” I wouldn't. I had no interest in speeding up anything that would make her embrace her birthright and drag the planet into her sad-ass idea of a necessary war between good and evil.

“Yes.” She'd slumped back into her seat, which was too bad because, like I said: time to go, bitch! “But who'd believe you?”

I just looked at her. “So. Many. People. Now get out.”

“What?”

“I said get out. You've abused my good nature for the last time, Laura.”

“Good nature!” She was on her feet again—excellent—and practically choking on the words. “You've never been—”

“Oh, shut up. I genuinely don't care. Go away now. Forever, if you like. Oh, and tell Dad that I haven't forgotten about him. Well, I have, in that I'm not tracking his ass down anytime soon, but he— Oh my God, he left.” I could see it at once. Laura had the worst poker face ever. “He's gone! Isn't he? He helped you make a mess and then he snuck out of town and left you with the broom.” I laughed again. “That is so like him! That's exactly like him. He's not anything like you'd hoped, is he? Oh, God, that's hilarious.” Chuckling, I shooed her toward the door. “And speaking of terrible parents who continually disappoint, your mom says hi.”

Oooh, that got her. She'd been stumbling toward the door, fending off my “shoo, shoo!” motions, and now turned so quickly she nearly fell. “What? When did you see my mother?”

“In Hell, just before I kicked her ass out. Again. And that time I did lie: she didn't say hi. She didn't say anything about you at all. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?” We were at the front door by now, and I was pretending not to notice my roommates scrambling out of the entryway, like I hadn't heard them sneaking close to eavesdrop the minute I entered the parlor. “If you ever needed a reason to turn your back on your parents and live by your own code, you've got it now. You don't owe either of them a thing: you can be true to yourself.

“But you won't. You're locked into showing everyone you're good. But you can't do that by just being good. No, you have to show them someone who's
bad
and force a comparison. You picked the wrong girl for that one.
Again
.”

“Stop pushing,” she snapped. “I'm going!”

“Well, finally.” I wrenched the door open. “If I see you again—”

“Yes, yes, you'll kill me, that'll definitely show how good you are.”

“—I'll slap the shit out of you, probably in front of witnesses. It'll be hilarious!” I giggled at the thought, gave her one last shove, and slammed the door in her furious confused beautiful red face.

Then I leaned against it and blew out a breath. Whew! Stressful, but satisfying.

Which was the perfect description of my life, come to think of it.

EPILOGUE

I walked onstage, already blinking despite the sunglasses. It had nothing to do with my sensitive vamp vision and everything to do with all the lights trained on me. Already this whole thing was a pain. At least Tina knew how to call a press conference; I'd had no idea.

I stepped up to the podium and faced a dozen microphones that looked like big black ice cream cones (licorice? Earl Grey?).

I cleared my throat (note to self: break that unnecessary habit) and said, “Hi, my name is Betsy Taylor, and I'm the queen of the vampires. Yes, vampires are real.

“Any
questions?”

1
The gory details can be found in
Undead and Unfinished.

2
Laughing Out Loud, Just Kidding, Shut the Fuck Up, I'm So Hung Over, Everything Sucks, Everything Blows, I'm Not Supposed to Be Here.

3
They were only ruby in the movie because MGM wanted to show off its new Technicolor technology. The more you know!

4
It was! Details can be found in
Undead and Unwed
.

5
Undead and Unwary
.

6
All the plotting and general sneakiness—and more!—can be found in
Undead and Undermined
.

7
It's true! It can all be found in
Undead and Unfinished
.

8
Nostro, in
Undead and Unwed
.

9
All the awful happened in
Undead and Undermined
. (Hint: it worked out in the end.)

10
New England Journal of Medicine
and
Journal of the American Medical Association
.

11
Laura did the dirty deed in
Undead and Unstable
.

12
Google was founded in 1998, which, ironically, I found out by Googling.

13
The trickery was on display in
Undead and Unemployed
.

14
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
, John Gray
.

15
It's true.
Undead and Unwed
.

16
Betsy turned evil and raped Sinclair in
Undead and Unreturnable
. Sinclair was too delighted to notice he was being forced. It was a whole thing.

17
Poor Dick was assigned to Betsy's assault, and investigated her death as well, in
Undead and Unwed
.

18
The weirdness was on display in
Undead and Unwary
.

19
Spoiler alert: it's true!
Undead and Underwater
.

20
We found out Betsy is a recovering Miss Congeniality (Burnsville High School) in
Undead and Unwed.

21
It's true.
Undead and Unfinished.
Ancient Betsy was awful.

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