Uncut (Unexpected Book 4) (35 page)

C
oming back from that dark place is hard, and I’m thankful no nightmares followed the episode. Yet, the nails pounding my skull as I open my eyes are present. My mouth tastes vile, my throat hurts, and my stomach aches. Shit, I think I’m going to puke again. As I straighten up, the throb behind my eyeballs intensifies along with the pounding in my head, but my stomach settles. Weird.

It’s been a long time since my last nervous breakdown. I feel as if I’ve taken several steps backwards, but instead of leaving the bed, I wait to try to remember everything I did, or said. Nothing important comes to mind, other than my conversation with Pria. She offered to help me if I needed a place to stay, offered me her friendship, and advised me to take my time before I made any rash decisions. That’s the only part I can’t remember: what decisions was I planning to make?

It doesn’t matter; it’s time to face life, Thea.

I finally look at my surroundings. Nothing out of the ordinary. Grey-blue colored walls, dotted with a few black and white framed pictures of landscapes. Dressers with picture frames on top of them. I push myself out of bed and pick up one of the frames. Matt with Jacob and AJ. The next frame has a picture of his family and a pang of jealousy hits me. My brother, Evan, killed himself when he was in college. At twelve, no one bothered to tell me what happened. I only knew that the only person who loved me was gone forever.

Stop, I order myself.
You can’t pick the pieces up if you continue digging into what caused you to become that girl you hate.
I set the frame back in its place, wishing for two seconds that I had that. A loving mother, a loving father, and my adoring brother.

I search around the room for my clothes, but I can’t find anything that belongs to me, so I head to the bathroom where I took a shower last night. I take another glance at what I wear. A Without A Compass T-shirt and socks. Not the best attire to walk back to a bar. Speaking of which, where are my keys?

Just do it, I say, grabbing the door handle and wiggling it. “Ah!” I scream as I swing it open and two bodies fall into the floor. Matt and Tristan stare at me from their awkward position. Neither one moves. It’s as if they’re at a zoo and I’m the monkey about to do some kind of trick for them. I don’t. Instead, I wait for their reaction.

“Is everything okay?” Pria steps inside the room, looking at me as if I’m crazy. Right, I told a stranger my entire life. Poor woman. I bet now she . . . My eyes open wide. Did she tell them? No, she promised that it was between us. My story to tell at my own pace.

“Yeah, they fell when I opened the door and surprised me.” I point at the two who are now pushing themselves up off the floor. “Do you have my clothes by any chance?”

She shakes her head. “No. I already asked AJ to swing by your place and bring you clothes. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Can we talk?” Matthew asks stepping closer to me. “Pria, give us a moment, please?” Matt asks in a soft voice. Pria glances at me and I nod.

“Call me when you’re done,” Tristan says, turning around.

Matt grabs his arm before he leaves. “Where the fuck are you going? We have to talk to her.”

“We do.” Tristan turns back around. His unsettled eyes focus on Matt, as he continues speaking. “Last night we set a few rules. The two of us discussed our relationship—yours and mine. You talk your relationship with her, then I’ll discuss mine—with her. If after everything is said we come to an agreement, then we can try to find that unicorn we believe exists.” He then moves, and his gaze softens. “I love you, Butterfly. Every word I’ve said to you has been real.” He reaches into his pocket and hands me the crystal. “You can borrow it for as long as you need to remember what that symbolizes.”

I close my hand and squeeze my eyes as tears threaten to come out. The sound of the door closing snaps my eyes open. Tristan is gone; it’s only Matt and I in the room.

“Thea, I don’t know what happened to you last night,” he starts, holding my hand. “It scared me that I couldn’t do anything for you. Whatever it is, I want you to know you can tell me. We can get through any hardship together.” With his free hand, he brushes some strands out of my face and kisses my forehead. “I think I’ve said it a few times, and I’ll repeat this as many times as I need to, because it’s important for you to know it—to feel it. I. Love. You. No matter what, I’ll never harm you, use you, or let anything hurt you.”

I twiddle the crystal between my fingers, processing every word he’s saying. Rested from the previous night, my mind isn’t as closed as it was yesterday. My fears of falling back into the hole have lessened.

“Part of this,” he touches his heart, “belongs to you.”

Matt swallows before he speaks again. “I’ve never lied to you. From the beginning we’ve been honest with each other, only sharing what we were comfortable with, haven’t we?” I bob my head once. “You had full disclosure about Tristan and me. Yes, we fucked, but that was as far as we got. Feelings weren’t part of that equation. That doesn’t mean that today I don’t have feelings for him. I do. He owns the other part of my heart.” I smile, because that I knew. They belong, and it makes me happy that he’s accepting it, and I hope Coop is there too with him. “Butterfly, I’m in love with you, and I want you by my side for eternity.”

One, three, six . . . the beats skip as my heart accelerates. My brain only grasps two ideas from everything he said:
I’m in love with you
and
by my side for eternity
.

“What do you want in exchange for that?” I want to believe him, but not many offer anything for free. The thought makes me want to slap myself. Fuck. They’re residuals from yesterday’s flashback. The thoughts that usually destroy me.

“You, Butterfly. Your love.”

“Matt, what happened last night might happen again.” He crosses his arms and gives me a skeptical glance. “There are things I haven’t told you and I might never be able to. To this day, I have no idea how many sexual partners I’ve had. There’s so much, including that I might never let you touch me beyond a hug.”

“Counseling, couples counseling, and as long as I can hold you in my arms, I don’t care about the sex,” he says with a conviction I want to believe. “Unless you change your mind and you want sex, then I’ll care a lot and make it fun for you.”
But he’s such a sensual man. How can that be?
He wiggles his eyebrows. That makes me smile.
He would make it fun. I love him.

“Give me time to assimilate everything.” I confirm what I’ve been thinking since the moment I wake up. “The image of the fat guy who . . .” His image was so vivid, even his name came back to me, but I don’t mention it because I don’t want Matt to connect the dots, and maybe realize more than I want him to.

“We can work it out, make it our goal. To trust each other. One day you might tell me everything, including who you were back then. I could look into it, but I’ll wait for you to give me that—because you trust me.”

I search inside my head and my chest. I love him so much and for the first time since I remember, I want to stay. “Okay.”

“And I want one of those too.” He points at the crystal, and I laugh. He sounds like a petulant child that didn’t receive a candy when the other one did. So I explain to him why and when I gave it to Tristan. Matt smiles. “We’ve always been connected, Butterfly. We just have to piece this in a way that we make it work. It’ll happen.”

“This is me, and I’ll always be with you. It’s the reminder that you’re not alone.” I take off my butterfly pendant, and take a few steps toward him and place it around his neck. “I love you, Matt, but last night I realized that I can’t handle a serious relationship just yet.”

“Can I hug you?” I nod and he envelops me inside those strong arms that I love so much. Once again I feel safe, and my confusion between who I
should
choose increases.

“One day I’ll ask you to marry me. We’ll have babies and the three of us will grow old together. You belong with me—with us.”

There’s a knock on the door that takes me back from the happy place I landed when he said that I
belonged
. Our conversation comes to an abrupt end, and I have to hold any further questions for now.

“Mattie?” The handle door wiggles and the door opens. “Mattie, sorry if I’m interrupting, but I have a bag with Thea’s clothes.” AJ doesn’t even wait for him to say anything before she enters.

“Knock on the effing door,” Matt growls. I wonder what stopped him from saying the word and find a baby girl smiling at him. A fuss of brown hair, big gray eyes, and chubby arms that make me want to hold her. “And wait to be let in, AJ. Place the bag on the floor and leave.”

“Say hi to Mattie, Gracie.” The baby grins wider and opens her arms trying to reach to where Matt and I stand. Matt untangles his arms and picks up the little girl who giggles when he holds her.

“He’s great with babies,” she says to me, handing me a small duffle bag. Then she extends her arms and hugs me. “Welcome to the family.”

My eyes widen and I look at Matt.
Didn’t I say I’m not ready for a serious relationship, yet?

AJ releases me, claims Gracie from Matt, and then turns around again. “I’m . . . if you ever need anything, please call me. I’d love if we can be friends.”

“We’ll be downstairs, Mattie.” She finally disappears.

“Mattie?” A wicked smile grows as I ponder that nickname. “Really, big guy? Mattie?”

“She’s the only one allowed to call me that.”

“Not me?” I pout at him.

“You can call me whatever you want, Butterfly, as long as we can agree that we’re in a serious relationship. The rest will come with time.”

“Dream big, right, Matt?” I bring that up from one of our conversations, the one when I decided that pain didn’t make a good life. And I wish to be free, be alive, be part of him. One night shouldn’t take away my determination; it shouldn’t scare me away from who I love. I stretch out my neck, standing on my tiptoes, giving him a peck. “I love you, and I hope that when you learn everything about me, you can forgive me.” That’s all I have for him. Nothing more than a wish because I’m not ready to let that part be known.

A
fter showering, I head to the living room where the entire Decker family sits. These people have been coming and going since seven in the morning waiting for Thea to come out of the room. She didn’t wake up until one, or at least that’s when she finally opened the door and let herself out of the room.

“You okay?” Chris Decker asks me for the fifth time, so I nod for the fifth time.

No. I’m not okay. Last night I discovered how fucked up my girlfriend is, and made a decision that I’m not sure I can live with. Matt and I are together, so I have to work out my internal shit because I don’t want to disappoint him. No. I don’t want to hurt him by hiding him because I’m ashamed of who I am.

We both agreed to fight for our girl—together. Translation: I have to come out soon. My therapist couldn’t see me today, but I'll be in his office on Monday at seven to discuss the amount of grief and guilt I’m carrying.

“I emailed you the list of counselors as you requested.” Chris attempts to open the conversation, again. “Are your parents supportive of—”