Uncovering You 9: Liberation (6 page)

I shake my head. “I don’t remember any of it,” I say weakly.

Tracy looks at me in disbelief. Her expression is mixed with a bit of…consternation. “I called your name. You looked startled to have heard me. And then you turned, looked at me—and you ran.”

I feel suddenly cold, lost, and very much alone. Deserted again on that island of my choosing.

“Then what?” I whisper.

“Well, I went after you. I didn’t like what I saw in your eyes when you looked at me. It was a blank, vacant stare. Almost like you didn’t know who I was.” She flips her hair back. “And even if we’d only met once, I was sure you remembered me.”

I give her an inscrutable look that makes her shrug. “I’m a little vain, I know.”

“Then what?” I ask.

“You turned a corner. I didn’t hear you fall or anything. But when I found you, you were curled up on the floor. You kept muttering, ‘Paul, Paul, Paul.’”

I gasp. “No!”

She frowns at me. “No, what?”

“No, I…I can’t believe I was doing that.”

“Well, you were,” Tracy says. “And it freaked me the hell out. I thought you were having a bad trip.”

“I don’t do drugs,” I say firmly.

She looks at me with obvious disdain. She thinks I’m a liar.

“Come on,” she says. “I’m not four.
Everybody
who’s in on this lifestyle does them. It’s the only thing that keeps us from getting bored.”

“Well I don’t,” I reaffirm.

“Then explain to me what I saw,” Tracy challenges. “I took a bullet for you. I supported your little lie about tripping and falling. It was obvious you didn’t want to see Jeremy. What else could the reason be? You didn’t want him to know what happened.”

“No,” I say. “It must have been something else. Somebody slipped something in my drink, or…” I trail off.

Or I really am going crazy
.

“Or what?” Tracy persists.

Then her demeanor softens. She sits beside me and places a hand on my knee. “I know what it’s like,” she says gently. “It’s obvious you weren’t born into this lifestyle. It’s exciting at first. Thrilling. You think you have the whole world at your fingertips. I’m speaking from personal experience. But my husband doesn’t even have a sliver of what Jeremy Stonehart does. Not a hundredth. But I still remember the first few years I spent with him. Everything was larger than life. It was impressive, astounding…but also overwhelming.

“And it’s okay if you get overwhelmed,” she tells me. “So long as you find some way out of it in the end. You’ll see the world hasn’t changed as much as you might have imagined at first. Your limits stretch. But then you become accustomed to them, and they box you in once more.”

She stands up. “Maybe I’m just talking nonsense,” she tells me. “There’s no reason for you to listen to me. But if you ever need someone you can trust? Someone you can confide in? Well, I’m not far away.

“And Lilly?” she adds as she steps away. “I do know what it’s like for you. Really. It’s lonely at the top. If you need a friend—well, I’ll be waiting.”

And with that she leaves the room, gone like a trail of smoke scattered by the wind.

Chapter Six

After Tracy leaves, I retreat to the sunroom. I haven’t been here since Jeremy let me sleep in his bed.

I spend a long time staring out the window at the darkened sea.

In a way, returning feels somewhat like what Jeremy must have experienced, entering his mother’s loft. We both went back to the place where things began. Him, many years ago. Me, only months.

But the distance that spans that time, for me, seems enormous.

I trace my hand over the lone marble pillar. How many nights had I spent in the dark with it as my only companion? Now, it feels almost like a lost friend.

I walk to the edge of my former perimeter. When I stared out at the darkness before, what did I imagine lay past the blackened veil?

Love? Life? Or was it…

Insanity?

I am losing my mind. I must be, to think that I can love Jeremy Stonehart. The episode today is another glimpse of the poisoned waters of my mind.

Who’s at fault here? Jeremy? Are these visions, these hallucinations coming because of the collar? Is the collar what made Paul into who he is? Or was it the drugs?

One or the other, does it really make a difference? I don’t need to lay blame. I need to find a solution. A solution to fix my mind.

If one even exists
.

Now
that
is a ghastly thought. Tonight was proof that Jeremy’s story about brain damage checks out.

There is love and there is beauty. Both in living and in death.

Right now, I feel like I’m trapped in a void—not quite there and not quite here.

The uncertainty frightens me. The things happening to my mind terrify me. Just when I thought I was safe, when I thought that I could finally make peace with who Jeremy Stonehart is and the world he has brought me into, an episode like this leaves me reeling.

It’s quiet in the sunroom. So far detached from the rest of the house, it is impossible to judge whether the guests are still here or have already left. Impossible, really, with the calm tranquility of the sea, to say how much time has passed.

I feel another presence in the room.

In fact, I’ve felt if for quite some time.

I turn my head slightly, and I see him, outlined in the dark. Jeremy Stonehart.

I look back out toward the ocean. He does not stir. He watches me, alone in my own thoughts. I know he will not come to me until I give my permission.

Another eternity passes. I feel like I’m witnessing the stretch of a lifetime. Finally, I incline my head, just a little. His arm comes around my waist.

“What happened to you tonight, Lilly?” he asks softly.

I feel the sudden urge to cry and tell him everything: My vulnerability, my consistent doubts. The conflicting thoughts and emotions darting through my head. The way I can love him absolutely one moment and hate him the next. The way I want to hurt him—
really
hurt him—and make him suffer the same way that I suffered. The dishonesty that I harbor. The web of lies that my life has become.

I want to weep against his chest and confess everything. I want to feel him hold me, to feel his strong hand stroke my hair and hear him tell me that everything will be alright. I want to hear him tell me what I told him: that he is not alone in the world anymore, that he could put his trust in me, that I will be there for him always.

I want to hear him say it. I want those words and vows and promises to apply to me.

Without them, I am breaking. I am drowning in a cesspool of my own creation. I do not blame Jeremy anymore. I’ve been given every opportunity to get out. I’ve made my choice. The choice to remain by him forever.

But the loneliness that comes from that choice is nearly overwhelming. It is suffocating me, restricting me in my thoughts and in my movements. I am not trapped in Stonehart’s mansion anymore, no. I am trapped somewhere much worse.

I am trapped in my own mind.

“Lilly?” Jeremy asks. “Talk to me. Don’t shut me out. Tell me what happened. Why did you come here?”

“Are they gone?” I ask, avoiding his questions. “Are the guests still here?”

“The party wound down long ago,” he says. He takes my hand. “Yes, they’re gone. Is that why you didn’t come upstairs? I waited and waited for you in bed, Lilly. When you didn’t show up, I had to come find you.”

“You knew I was here,” I mutter. “You could have seen me through your cameras.”

Jeremy steps back a little. What pale light comes from the stairs lets me see enough of his face to make out the concern. “I gave those up,” he tells me. “I gave them to you. Remember? I cannot see what goes on in my house anymore.”

“Oh,” I sigh. “That’s right.”

“Something happened after you left. Didn’t it?” Jeremy insists. “Tell me.”

I shake my head. I don’t want to worry him with my troubles. For the moment, it feels better—safer, even—to simply turn a blind eye.

I squeeze his hand and turn away from the window. “Let’s go to bed,” I say.

Chapter Seven

The next morning truly and finally feels like the dawn of a new day.

I feel rested and fresh and clear. The discord of last night is like a distant memory. It’s something that happened a lifetime ago… to another person.

I’m aware that’s not the healthiest attitude to take. But I’ve become the master of self-delusion. Forgetting painful things from my past just comes with the territory of being with Jeremy Stonehart.

Jeremy’s left for work without a word, obviously. I hate how he can wake without rousing me. Not once have I felt him leave. It’s just one of those things where I wake up, and poof, he’s already gone.

I find a short note from him, however, saying that when he returns tonight we’ll talk about my employment at Stonehart Industries and my…
capacity
for the job.

The ominous implication there—that I’ve become too damaged to return to work—is unsettling. But instead of ruminating on it and letting it ruin the beauty that is outside, I file it away amongst all the other shit I refuse to think about… and go out into the sun.

Spring in California feels wonderful. The fresh crests of the waves at sea crash against the cliffs and bring a delightful aura to the day. Wandering in the woods around Jeremy’s property, I lose track of time.

Only when the sky starts to darken a deep red do I venture back to the mansion.

I find Jeremy alone, reading, at the table. He looks dashing in a radiant silver-grey suit.

He looks up when he hears me enter. He smiles. “And there she is,” he says, with the barest hint of sarcasm. “Finally deemed yourself ready to greet me, have you?”

“Jeremy, stop,” I say, sitting across from him. He reaches out and touches my hand, squeezing once.

“How do you feel?” he asks.

“Fine,” I say quickly. Too quickly. Too automatically.

He frowns for a split second. “Is there something you want to tell me?” he asks.

I shake my head. “No. How’s Stonehart Industries? I’ve been thinking about the note you left. If I’m going back to work—“

“Tracy told me how she found you,” Jeremy interrupts.

My heart stops. The illusion shatters. And all traces of normalcy are gone.

“What did she say?” I ask weakly.

“Everything,” Jeremy replies. “She told me as she was leaving last night. I wanted you to bring it up on your own. But I could not wait any longer. This is a serious problem, Lilly.”

I hang my head in shame. “I know,” I mutter. Even that admission—simply acknowledging his words—makes me feel like I’ve let Jeremy down, somehow.

“It’s a problem not because of what happened,” he continues softly, his voice endearing him to me in strange and soothing ways, “but because you did not tell me,”

“I didn’t want you to—“

“To what?” His voice is low, but it cuts me off as clearly as if he’s yelling. “To know?”

“No,” I shake my head. “To worry.”

“To doubt, you mean,” he says. He’s speaking in a tone that is foreign to my ears. He sounds…untruthful, somehow. Like he’s in the middle of a bluff that he does not want entirely concealed.

“Excuse me?”

“I know that’s why you didn’t tell me, Lilly. You don’t want to tarnish my impression of you. What concerns me, though, is how you could be so short-sighted.”

My head snaps up to him. “What are you talking about?”

“The same thing I always do. The one thing I give you chance after chance to prove. The one thing that you consistently fail to do.”

My hackles rise at the turn our conversation has taken.

“Trust
, Lilly!” he says after a lengthy pause. The outburst is full of exasperation. “Why do you think I invited all those people here last night? Why do you think I let you slink off when you did?”

“I didn’t—
slink
,” I challenge, detesting that word. “You told me to go!”

“You ran from the sight of too many people.”

“I was by your side for hours!” My temper with him is rising. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on, Jeremy? Why don’t you tell me what you mean, instead of having me guess it, for once?”

“What I mean,” Jeremy murmurs. A brief smile flutters across his lips. “Are you certain you want to know, Lilly?”

“Seeing as it concerns me, yes,” I start. “Yes, in fact, I do!”

“Very well.” Jeremy takes his hand off mine and leans back. “What I mean is this: I did not need Tracy to tell me what she saw to know what happened to you.”

“The cameras!” I gasp. “You liar! You kept them on! You never relinquished control.”

Jeremy shakes his head. “No. I do not lie to you. You are the one in control of the house.”

“Then what…” I stop. A horrible realization starts to sink in. “No,” I say, the word hardly a whisper.

Jeremy leans forward, eyes alight, eager now. “No, what?” he asks.

“No, you wouldn’t have,” I say. I feel light-headed again, and it has nothing to do with the supposed brain damage.

It has everything to do with connecting the dots, with seeing how much wisdom lay hidden behind Tracy’s words, with realizing the things Jeremy wouldn’t even blink at doing, if his past behavior is any gauge.

“So you know,” he smiles. “Good for you.”

“I don’t know anything!” I scream. I’m panting, bordering frantic.
Suddenly, the fact that I ended up in the sunroom last night seems all too convenient.

“But you do, “Jeremy reveals a vicious grin. A look of absolute triumph is plastered on his face. “Tell me.
Tell me what I did.”

“You…you drugged me,” I gasp.

And Jeremy’s smile only deepens. “It was but a test,” he says.

Chapter Eight

“A test!” I surge from the table, blood boiling. I look for something to throw at him, and to hell with all propriety. Finding nothing, I settle for merely knocking my chair onto the floor. “A test! How could you, Jeremy? Oh, but I know all too well. You’re the man who
does
. Aren’t you? You and that fucking malicious mind of yours. You made me believe you love me? How? Why?”