Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (6 page)

T
HE
“S
MOKEY
” R
OOSA
S
YCAMORE

In 1969 NASA announced its third trip to the moon for January 1971. One of the Apollo 14 astronauts, Stuart Roosa, had been a smoke jumper for the U.S. Forest Service before joining the space program (he was nicknamed “Smokey”). When Ed Cliff, Management Research Director for the Forest Service, heard about the lunar mission he asked his friend Smokey Roosa to take a variety of seeds (pine, sweet gum, fir, sycamore, and redwood) to the moon so that they could be planted on Earth as “moon trees.” Roosa liked the idea and took the seeds into space. But they were subjected to a post-return decontamination process that appeared to have killed them. Undaunted, Cliff planted them anyway...and a few actually grew. One of them, a sycamore, still stands in front of the Forestry Science Building at Mississippi State University.

T
HE
B
UDDHA
B
ODHI
T
REE

The Bodhi, or peepul, is a species of fig tree that is native to India. The most famous one grows in the town of Bodh Gaya. It is there, Buddhists believe, that while the monk Siddhartha Gautama sat beneath a Bodhi tree in 528 B.C., he gained enlightenment and became the Buddha. A descendant of that same tree still stands at the site. Another famous Bodhi: In the third century B.C., a cutting from the “Buddha” tree was planted in Sri Lanka, where it has been protected ever since and still flourishes today—2,300 years later.

Now
that’s
a buzz: Orchids release a chemical that makes bees drunk.

T
REATY
O
AK
Once the largest in a circle of 14 oaks that Tonkawa Indians called the Council Oaks. Treaty Oak was the spot where, according to legend, Stephen Austin signed a treaty with the Tonkawas for the land that is now Austin, Texas. With a 127-foot canopy spread, the 500-year-old tree was one of the finest examples of oaks in the world. But in 1989 someone tried to poison Treaty Oak. Arborists were able to save the tree, but it lost more than half of its canopy, making it a shadow of its former self. Good news, though: In 1997 Treaty Oak, the last of the Council Oaks still standing, produced its first acorns since the attack, and will hopefully make a full recovery.

W
ASHINGTON’S
T
ULIP
P
OPLARS

George Washington: President, general, landscaper. Landscaper? At Mount Vernon, his estate in northern Virginia, Washington found solace in creating gardens. One of his favorite American trees was the tulip poplar. A pair of 100-foot specimens, planted by Washington himself, still thrive on the grounds of Mount Vernon. The Marquis de Lafayette, a close friend of Washington’s, was also fond of the tulip poplar and brought a few saplings back to France. He presented them to Marie Antoinette, who had them planted at Versailles. The last of the Lafayette poplars died during the winter of 1999, but, as a reminder of the two men’s friendship, the trees were replaced with offspring from Washington’s original tulip poplars at Mt. Vernon.

“Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.”

—George Bernard Shaw

Hair grows slower at night.

Lots of people go to baseball games hoping they’ll catch the next ball that gets hit into the stands. These fans got lucky...or did they?

Is it a squib or is

T
he Fan:
Robert Cotter, an 11-year-old boy who went to a Philadelphia Phillies game in 1922.

The Catch:
One of the players hit a foul ball into the stands, and Cotter managed to catch it. He wanted to keep it, but in those days baseballs were too expensive for teams to give away, so fans who caught fouls were expected to give them back. Cotter refused—even when security guards ordered him to hand the ball over. That evening he became the first and probably the only kid in professional baseball history to spend the night in jail for refusing to give back a ball.

What Happened:
The next day, Cotter was hauled before a judge, who ordered that he be set free. “Such an act on the part of a boy is merely proof that he is following his most natural impulses,” the disgusted judge told the court. “It is a thing I would do myself.”

Cotter never did get his ball back, but that summer he got something better: A woman in New York who read his story invited him to New York to watch the Yankees play the Philadelphia Athletics. At the game, he got an autographed baseball and even got to meet Babe Ruth.

Aftermath:
As home runs became increasingly common in the 1920s, teams realized they’d have problems if they kept jailing fans who kept the balls hit into the stands. So they gave in and decided to allow the practice. Do we have Cotter to thank for it? It’s hard to say—even Cotter doesn’t remember. “I’m not sure if I caused that,” he told
USA Today
in 1998. “I was only eleven.”

The Fans:
Alex Popov, a health food restaurant owner from Berkeley, California, and Patrick Hayashi, a college student from San Diego.

The Catch:
In October 2001, both men were at Pac Bell Park in San Francisco when Giants slugger Barry Bonds hit his record-setting, single-season 73rd home run into the stands. A camera crew recorded the scene: the ball landed in Popov’s glove and he managed to hang on to it for only six-tenths of a second before he was enveloped by a mob of glove-wielding fans who were also trying to catch it. Popov lost the ball. It was at this point that Hayashi says he saw the ball on the ground, grabbed it, and held it up for everyone to see. Security guards escorted him to a room where officials authenticated the ball as genuine and certified him as the owner.

In golf lingo, a putt on a hilly green is called a “Dolly Parton.”

It’s not uncommon for home run balls to bounce from one fan to another. But Popov was adamant that the ball landed in his glove first, making him the rightful owner. When Hayashi would not give it back, Popov sued him.

What Happened:
The case wasn’t tried until 13 months later; then, following a two-week trial, the judge deliberated for an entire month before finally arriving at his decision:
both
claims of ownership were legitimate, so the ball would have to be sold at auction and the proceeds split evenly between them.

Aftermath:
Initially the ball was expected to fetch $1 to 2 million, but by the time the lawsuit was resolved, the economy had worsened and public interest in the ball had dropped significantly. In the end it sold for only $450,000, or $225,000 each for Popov and Hayashi. How much money did Popov get for his troubles? Less than zero—in July 2003, his attorney sued him to recover $473,500 in unpaid legal bills relating to the case.

The Fan:
Jay Arsenault, a construction worker from Vacaville, California.

The Catch:
In August 2002, three of Arsenault’s buddies gave him a ticket to a Giants game at Pac Bell Park. At the time Barry Bonds was approaching another record: he was about to become only the fourth player in pro baseball history to hit 600 home runs in his career. The friends all agreed that in exchange for giving Arsenault the ticket, if he caught the 600th ball, he would sell it and they’d all split the proceeds. Amazingly, Arsenault
did
catch the ball—but rather than honor the agreement as promised, he hid from his friends. They filed a lawsuit, claiming breach of an oral contract.

What Happened:
In October, Arsenault, claiming he’d been “totally overwhelmed by the situation,” backed down and agreed to sell the ball and split the money just like he’d promised. “This is better for both sides,” Eric Bergen, one of the friends, told reporters. “This is what we wanted from the beginning.”

Big picture: The first VCR, made in 1956, was about the size of a piano.

The Fan:
Nick O’Brien, a four-year-old boy whose parents took him to a Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals game in June 2004.

The Catch:
Right fielder Gary Matthews, Jr. hit a foul ball into the stands. It landed at Nick’s feet, but as he was reaching down to pick it up, a grown man pushed him away and grabbed the ball.

What Happened:
Nick’s mother, Edie O’Brien, confronted the man. “You trampled a four-year-old boy to get this ball!” she yelled at him, but he refused to give the ball back. The incident, caught on camera, was replayed on the park’s giant video screens. Outraged fans started chanting “Give him the ball!” and the mood turned ugly, but still the man that the Rangers announcer called “the biggest jerk in this park” refused to give the ball back. He was literally booed out of the stands. Nick fared a little better: the Rangers invited him and his parents down to the dugout and gave him two autographed bats and four autographed balls, including one signed by Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan.

That might have been the end of it, had the
Dallas Morning News
not identified the Biggest Jerk in the Park as 28-year-old Matt Starr, a married landscaper and former youth minister living in a Dallas suburb. By Wednesday, when Nick and his mom and dad were in New York telling their story on
Good Morning America
, reporters were camped out in front of Starr’s house. He was nowhere to be found.

Aftermath:
Three days was all it took: on Wednesday night Starr caved in, called the Rangers, and told them he would give the ball to Nick, along with a letter of apology and tickets to an upcoming game. “He doesn’t want any more publicity about this,” a Rangers spokesperson told reporters. “He’s hoping this will bring some sort of closure.”

CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN

In January 2004, three men in Spokane, Washington, decided to have a little fun by running through the local Denny’s at dawn, wearing just their shoes and hats. Their only mistake: leaving the car engine running. While they were streaking through the restaurant, someone stole their car and their clothes. The three naked pranksters had to hide behind parked cars until police arrived to take them to jail.

It takes about 0.3 seconds to blink.

These are 100% real, honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?

Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit

D
IET OF
P
REMATURE
B
ABIES
A
FFECTS
IQ

Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage

C
OMPLAINTS
A
BOUT
NBA R
EFEREES
G
ROWING
U
GLY

Groom Sues Bride of 4 Mouths

G
ENERAL
E
ISENHOWER
F
LIES
B
ACK TO
F
RONT

God Gets a Parking Caution: “No Exceptions” Say Police

Dumped Fish Remains Upset

A
IRLINE
T
RAVEL
S
AFER
D
ESPITE
M
ORE
A
CCIDENTS

American Ships Head To Libya

WOMAN NOT INJURED BY COOKIE

LACK OF WATER HURTS ICE FISHING

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide