Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (15 page)

Rosa was so bad at her job that, like Miss Cleo, she didn't even see her own downfall; the cops dropped by her place with a search warrant and then found a box with four handguns. Rosa's comment when the cops found the box: “I always sensed evil in that box.” Call us crazy here, but when you sense evil in a box, shouldn't you
drag that box out of your home?
We're just saying. Perhaps Rosa's next trick will be to predict just how much time she'll have in the big house.

Source: CBS News

 

I
t was bad enough for “Pierre”
that he was stopped by the Paris police for driving under the influence. Pierre was a Parisian policeman himself. What made it worse was that when Pierre was stopped, he was out of uniform.
Waaaay
out of uniform. As in, the only thing Pierre was wearing was a pair of fishnet tights.

Although there were undoubtedly a number of plausible lies Pierre could have uttered to explain his attire (“My car's air-conditioning was out,” or even “What sort of world do we live in where an off-duty Parisian cop
can't
drive around wearing only fishnet tights?”), Pierre instead went for the career-torpedoing truth. Not only was he a cop, he was also a part-time prostitute. This explanation made sense considering Pierre was apprehended after a chase through the
Bois de Boulogne,
a wooded area on the Paris outskirts long rumored to be the place to go when you're looking for transsexual hookers.

Oddly enough, even though Pierre admitted to a little illegal moonlighting hooking for extra scratch, the police court prosecutors claimed there was not enough evidence to try him for “passive soliciting,” which as far as we can tell means he could keep his badge. But that matter of driving drunk could cost Pierre his driver's license. Then he'd have to use public transportation to get to his second job. Wonder if he'd be willing to wear only fishnets on the bus.

Source: Reuters

 

N
ormally we're all for our policemen and women being enthusiastic about their work,
but we'd like to remind the esteemed members of the law enforcement community who happen to be reading this book that although law enforcement is many things, one thing it is not is a competitive sport. Start trying to one-up each other, and it's going to end badly for someone, usually someone who is presumed to be innocent until proven otherwise.

Come with us now to the Georgia town of Porterdale, where on February 16, 2004, the traffic court, normally a fairly staid and quiet place, was suddenly swamped with crushes of ticketed citizens there for their allotment of justice. Confused by the swarm of malefactors, officials checked the tickets and discovered two interesting things: First, the number of tickets issued in January was up 140 percent from the usual monthly average, and second, the majority of the tickets—150 out of 240—were written up by two of the town's officers, who we will dub Officers “Chip” and “Dale.”

Were officers Chip and Dale just incredibly attentive and efficient in their jobs? Perhaps. But perhaps there was also something to the fact that earlier, Judge C. David Strickland recalled hearing a conversation between the two in which they were bragging about how many tickets they'd given out. Seems there was something of a wager on the side as to who could churn out the most tickets. As it happened, both Chip and Dale tied with 75 tickets, many of which were tied to offenses Porterdale mayor Paul Oeland described as “petty in nature.” We suspect they were probably petty in intent as well.

What did officers Chip and Dale win for their efforts? Well, first they got to see most of their citations thrown out by the same judge who overheard the two of them bragging about their ticketing prowess. Then they won an invitation to offer their resignations to Porterdale's City Manager. Officer Dale accepted the fabulous prize and tendered her resignation. Officer Chip refused and got the lovely consolation prize of being fired instead. This was not a blindingly smart move on the part of Chip, because now that he was fired as a cop, he might find it a tad difficult to find future employment as a cop.

Bet the two of them didn't expect
that
outcome from their little wager.

Source: Associated Press, CBS News

 

W
e know you love a quiz,
so here's one for you. You're visiting a good friend when you notice that her neighbor has some truly excellent vanilla roast coffee and hazelnut creamer while your friend does not. You want some coffee. You need some coffee. What do you do?

          
1.
  
Go up to your friend's neighbor and say: “Hi, I've got a serious coffee jones at the moment, and I was wondering if you might be able to spare some of your righteous vanilla roast. I'll be your
friend.
”

          
2.
  
Break into the guy's apartment to steal just enough coffee to get you through your caffeine shakes. Take some creamer, too. Repeat your breaking and entering whenever you need some more.

The first of these is the correct answer. We admit that it makes you come across as a little
needy,
but it's better than coming across as felonious, which is how “Brooks” appeared when he performed this very same maneuver while visiting a friend in the small town of North Pole, Alaska (which is, we should note, not actually
at
the North Pole, although it is close enough for most people).

Brooks apparently saw nothing wrong about a little breaking and entering into his friend's neighbor's apartment for his coffee and cream. Of course, the neighbor (let's call him “Alan”) felt differently; no one likes home invasions, even if all that's being taken is a hot beverage. After Brooks's friend
mentioned that she smelled coffee in her apartment and she knew she didn't have any, Alan decided to set-up a video camera to catch his coffee thief. Sure enough, there was Brooks, breaking in with a butter knife for his vanilla hazelnut treat.

Alan later told the local newspaper that if Brooks had just asked, he'd given him some coffee for free. But as it was, Brooks was arrested for burglary and tossed in the slammer. He's probably not going to get vanilla roast with hazelnut creamer in there.

Source: Associated Press

 

H
ere's an interesting fact
for all of us who don't go out of our way to hunt down and kill woodland animals whose only crime was to be born tasty: in the state of Minnesota, you can hunt game with a gun, but it's illegal to hunt wild game with walkie-talkies. See, Minnesota believes that letting hunters have walkie-talkies to communicate and coordinate with each other during the hunt isn't fair to the game animals. (This brings up the interesting question of how, if walkie-talkies are unfair, then how are projectile weapons fair to animals exactly?) The point is: walkie-talkies and radios, you can't use 'em when you're in the mood for bangin' away at Minnesota wildlife.

If anyone should know about this little rule, it's Babe Winkelman, noted outdoorsman TV host and syndicated columnist. So it was probably a bit embarrassing for Winkelman when he was cited on his Minnesota property in the fall of 2003 for “unlawfully taking game with the use of a radio.” Apparently an officer of Minnesota's Department of Natural Resources got a tip that hunters were using walkie-talkies, and decided to monitor radio traffic. That's when he caught Winkelman, his wife Kris, and another hunter chatting merrily away. See, that's the problem with radio frequencies; anyone can just listen in. Stupid walkie-talkies.

Winkelman contended that he was just using the walkie-talkies to keep in touch with the members of his large hunting group. But as part of the conversation the officer heard had Winkelman saying he was off to wake up a bunch of deer, followed by his wife saying that she was in her hunting stand
“loaded, and ready to go,” he wasn't buying that particular rationalization.

Time in the big house for this outdoorsy celebrity? Nope: Winkelman entered an “Alford plea,” which is what you do if you want to say you're not guilty, yet reluctantly admit that if you were tried in front of a jury they'd probably beg to differ. As part of his plea agreement, Winkelman paid a fine and wrote about hunting ethics in his columns; if he can keep from doing something like that again for a year, his legal slate will be wiped clean. No doubt deer all over Minnesota are breathing easier after this decision. Now if they could just figure out a way to get those hunters to ditch those totally unfair
rifles.

Source: Associated Press,
Minneapolis Star-Tribune,
NodakOutdoors.com

 

W
e love the digital camera revolution as much as anybody.
Nothing makes us happier than not having to shoot a whole roll of film and then pay for developing before we can see that we've taken yet another picture in which we've lopped off someone's head. Now we can see our bad photography instantaneously—and delete it before anyone else finds out.

Still, there's a dark side to the digital revolution, which is that the decreasing size and increasing ubiquity of digital cameras are encouraging the pervs out there to snap more creepy little pictures than ever before. The only good news about
that
is that while they're making cameras smaller, they're not making the perverts any smarter. This is especially the case with pervs in public, who are not smart enough to realize that public displays of stupidity call attention to themselves and also the attention of the cops.

As one did at the Roosevelt Field Mall in Garden City, New York, when “Sam” decided to devote a day to “upskirting”—a charming little practice that involves slipping a digital camera under a woman's skirt and photographing what you find there. Sam apparently had already had a busy day of photography when he slipped his camera under the miniskirt of a woman as she traveled up an escalator. The woman was apparently unaware that this creep was photographing her, probably because she didn't have eyes in back of her head.

Alas, poor Sam. Neither did he. Because if he had, he might have seen that the two men who stepped on to the escalator behind him were cops, who quickly discovered what
Sam was up to. It was the flash that gave him away. Stupid, stupid Sam. Sam was nabbed as soon as he got off the escalator; the cops checked the camera for photos. For Sam, the instant gratification that digital cameras can provide also immediately provided instamatic proof of his felonious photos. He was charged with unlawful surveillance, which carries a maximum sentence of four years in the slammer.

Not many opportunities for “upskirting” there, Sam. And if there are, it's probably best not to take a picture.

Source:
New York Newsday, New York Post