Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (98 page)

• When the Pentagon was in its planning stages, Franklin Roosevelt insisted that the outside of the building not have any windows, believing it would look more dramatic. Furthermore, a windowless building would be easier to convert to civilian government use once the war was over. But munitions experts talked him out of it, explaining that walls with “blow-out” windows survive bombings better than solid masonry walls, which collapse entirely.

• The Pentagon is designed so that the offices are as close together as they possibly can be—even so, when the building first opened it quickly earned the nickname “Pantygon” because people walked their pants off getting from one place to another.

• To deal with the immense amount of vehicle traffic each working day, architects designed an elaborate system of over- and underpasses arranged into cloverleaf shapes, which enabled thousands of vehicles to drop off passengers and leave again without ever once stopping for a traffic light. The innovative cloverleaf over-and underpasses were so successful that they became a standard feature of the interstate highway system.

• The Pentagon has enough cafeterias and dining rooms to serve more than 17,500 meals a day...but has only 230 restrooms.

• It has 17.5 miles of corridors, 150 stairways, 4,200 clocks, 22,500 telephones connected by 100,000 miles of telephone cable, 25,000 employees, 2 hospitals, its own power and sewage plants, and the world’s largest pneumatic tube system. But it only has one passenger elevator: the one that the Secretary of Defense uses to get from his parking space in the basement to his office.

Watch your step: A male spider’s reproductive organ is located at the end of one of his legs.

A few of our favorite quotes from comedian Dave Barry
.

“The idea with natural childbirth is to avoid drugs so the mother can share the first intimate moments after birth with the baby and the father and the obstetrician and the standby anesthesiologist and the nurses and the person who cleans the room.”

“I reached puberty at age thirty. At age twelve I looked like a fetus.”

“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”

“For most of history, baby-having was in the hands (so to speak) of women. Many fine people were born under this system. Things changed in the 1970s. The birth rate dropped sharply. Women started going to college and driving bulldozers and carrying briefcases and using words like ‘debenture.’ They didn’t have time to have babies... Then young professional couples began to realize that their lives were missing something: a sense of stability, of companionship, of responsibility for another life. So they got Labrador retrievers. A little later they started having babies again, mainly because of the tax advantages.”

“Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you’re trying to save money for when you split up your property.”

“Isn’t Muamar Khadafy the sound a cow makes when sneezing?”

“The First Amendment states that members of religious groups, no matter how small or unpopular, shall have the right to hassle you in airports.”

“The Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime, you have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty.”

40% of Americans take music lessons at some point in their lives; 7% take acting lessons.

It’s a good idea to be considerate to people with special needs. Unfortunately, “political correctness” can get ridiculous. Here are some more extreme examples
.

G
IRL TROUBLE.
In October 1992, Shawn Brown, a sophomore at the University of Michigan, turned in a seven-page paper on opinion polls that he’d written for Professor Steven Rosenstone’s “Introduction to American Politics.” As reported by Harper’s magazine, the following paragraph appeared in Brown’s paper:

Another problem with sampling polls is that some people desire their privacy and don’t want to be bothered by a pollster. Let’s say Dave Stud is entertaining three beautiful ladies in his penthouse when the phone rings. A pollster on the other end wants to know if we should eliminate the capital gains tax. Now, Dave is a knowledgeable businessperson who cares a lot about this issue. But since Dave is ‘tied up’ at the moment, he tells the pollster to ‘bother’ someone else. Now, this is perhaps a ludicrous example, but there is simply a segment of the population who wishes to be left alone.

The paper was graded by the professor’s teaching assistant, a woman who was so outraged that she replied with these comments:

You are right. This is ludicrous & inappropriate & OFFENSIVE. This is completely inappropriate for a serious political science paper. It completely violates the standard of non-sexist writing. Professor Rosenstone has encouraged me to interpret this comment as an example of sexual harassment and to take appropriate formal steps. I have chosen not to do so in this instance. However, any future comments, in a paper, in a class, or in any dealings with me, will be interpreted as sexual harassment and formal steps
will
be taken. Professor Rosenstone is aware of these comments—& is prepared to intervene. You are forewarned!

What would you do? Brown got out while he could. He dropped the course. Incredibly, the chair of the political science department later expressed her
support
for the teaching assistant’s action.

In Boise, Idaho’s 1985 mayoral election, Mr. Potatohead received four write-in votes.

SELLER BEWARE

According to a story in the
Washington Post
, here are a few standard terms that some real estate firms now feel they must avoid:

•
Executive
. It could be racist, since most corporate executives are white.

•
Sports enthusiasts
. It could discourage the disabled.

•
Quiet neighborhood
. It could be a code for “no children.”

•
Master bedroom
. It suggests slavery.

•
Walk-in closets
and
spectacular view
. Some home buyers cannot walk or see.

POLITICALLY CORRECT COMMERCE

A few true-life PC adventures in advertising
.

• Black Flag changed a commercial for insecticide “after a veterans’ group protested the playing of taps over dead bugs.”

• When Coca-Cola showed a group of women ogling a construction worker who strips off his shirt in a diet Coke commercial, the company was criticized for “reverse sexism.”

• Burger King pulled a commercial showing “a mother teaching her grown son to memorize and recite the company’s ad slogan to get a discount meal,” after people complained the ad was unfair to people who had trouble memorizing things.

• When Aetna Life and Casualty depicted a wicked witch with green skin and a chin wart in a public-service advertisement for a measles vaccine, it was attacked by a “witches’ rights group” for encouraging negative witch stereotypes.

SMALL NEWS ITEMS

• GRAND RAPIDS, MI—“A local striptease joint must build ramps on its stage to accommodate handicapped strippers, state officials have ruled.”

• SAN FRANCISCO, CA—“A self-proclaimed witch who ‘came out of the broom closet’ two years ago is demanding that the [local] school district ban the fairy tale ‘Hansel and Gretel’ because it teaches children that it is acceptable to kill witches. ‘They would not use a story that cast any other religion in a light like this,’ she said.”

This card’s for you: 90% of Hallmark cards are purchased by women.

Here are the end-time prophesies of three familiar religions, from
Uncle John’s Indispensable Guide to the Year 2000.

C
HRISTIANITY

Background:
A 2000-year-old religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ, considered the Son of God.

Signs Of The End:
According to Dr. Douglas Ottati, an eminent Christian scholar, signs of the end are “very diverse...and can be very deceptive. One question that has to be answered,” he says, “is: how dependable are they in the first place? Jesus Himself is often interpreted as having said that they’re not very dependable.” But not everyone agrees with that view; a number of events are regarded by many contemporary Christians as signs, based on
Revelation
and other parts of the
Bible
. A few examples:

•
The return of Jews to Israel
. Many consider the existence of the modern state of Israel to be a sign of the impending apocalypse.

•
The rise of China. Revelation
says an army of 200 million people will attack Israel at Armageddon. According to some sources, that’s the current size of the Chinese army.

•
Development of computer technology. Revelation
says that in the end-times, only people with the mark of the Beast will be able to buy and sell goods. Some people think this could refer to computer technology such as bar codes.

•
The European Economic Community
. Many believe that the Antichrist must emerge from a united Europe.

When the World Ends:
After much turmoil and strife, Christ will return and reign for a thousand-year period of peace. The battle of Armageddon will occur, evil will be defeated, and Judgment Day will arrive.

Blood ties: 25% of all murder victims are killed by a relative.

JUDAISM

Background:
A 6,000-year-old monotheistic religion based on the Talmud (Jewish Oral Law) and the Torah (Written Law)—the first 5 books of the Old Testament.

Signs the End Is Near:
The Messiah arrives. According to Rabbi Chaim Richman, this will be obvious, because “the world [will] be so drastically changed for the better that it [will] be absolutely incontestable!” For signs, he offers a list of “basic missions of the Messiah,” including:

• “Cause the world to return to G-d and His teachings”

• “Oversee the rebuilding of Jerusalem, including the Temple, in the event that it has not yet been rebuilt.”

• “Gather the Jewish people from all over the world and bring them home to the land of Israel.”

When the World Ends:
“Jews don’t think in terms of the end of the world,” says one scholar. “They think in terms of a new beginning. There’s no cataclysm that marks this beginning. After the Messiah comes, people work in partnership with the Divine to bring about a better world.”

ISLAM

Background:
A religion founded in the 7th century by the prophet Muhammed. He experienced a series of divine visions which he wrote down in the
Koran
.

Signs The End Is Near:
Mohammed Ali Ibn Zubair Ali says in
Signs of Qiyamah
that after the arrival of the Enlightened One, Imam Madhi, “the ground will cave in, fog or smoke will cover the skies for forty days. A night three nights long will follow the fog. After the night of three nights, the sun will rise in the west. The Beast from the Earth will emerge. The Beast will talk to people and mark the faces of people. A breeze from the south causes sores in the armpits of Muslims which they will die from. The Qur’an will be lifted from the hearts of the people.”

When the World Ends:
“The Imam...will create a world state....He will teach you simple living and high thinking. With such a start he will establish an empire of God in this world. He will be the final demonstration and proof of God’s merciful wish to acquaint man with the right ways of life.”

In 1658 the Virginia legislature passed a law outlawing lawyers.

Calling all men: It may come as a surprise, but shaving your beard is more than a social obligation. It’s a grooming ritual that men have been messing around with since prehistoric times. Here are a few facts to ponder the next time you whip out that razor and start scrapin’
.

P
REHISTORIC SHAVING

• According to
Razor House
: “Cave paintings have shown that, contrary to popular opinion, early man went about his work clean-shaven, making good use of pieces of sharpened flint.”

Shaving historian Eleanor Whitty adds:

• “The earliest razors discovered were flint blades made possibly as far back as 30,000 B.C. Flint could provide an extremely sharp edge for shaving. These were the first disposable shavers because flint becomes dull rather quickly.”

• “Not only did early man cut and/or shave off body hair with flint, he also seemed to enjoy carving unusual artistic designs into his skin. If he added natural dyes and colors to these cuts, he ended up with a tattoo. Other stone shaving tools found were made during the Neolithic Period, or Late Stone Age.”

• “With the Bronze Age and primitive metalworking, came razors made from iron, bronze and even gold.”

ANCIENT SHAVING

• Egyptian pharaohs (around 4000 B.C.) were clean-shaven. All body hair, including beards, were considered a sign of “uncleanliness and negligence.”

• The civilizations of Rome and Greece used iron blades with a long handle and developed the shape of the “open” or “cut-throat” razor which was the only practical razor until the 19th century.

• In Greece (around 500 B.C.) men cropped their hair very short and shaved their faces. Alexander the Great was largely responsible for this. Historians call him “obsessed with shaving.” One reason: good military strategy. “He didn’t want the enemy to be able to grab his soldiers’ beards with one hand while stabbing them with the other.” However, it was also a matter of aesthetics. Alexander even shaved during wartime, and “would not allow himself to be seen going into battle with a five o’clock shadow.”

Three U.S. towns are named Santa Claus.

• Whitty reports that professional barbers were introduced to Rome about 300 B.C. by a businessman named Publicus Ticinius Maenas who he brought a few barbers with him from Sicily. It started a fad that lasted for hundreds of years.