Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (74 page)

—The Emperor Who Ate the Bible

HEADS, YOU SERVE

In 1975, Lib Tufarolo and Miles Nelson ran for mayor of Clyde Hill, Washington. Tufarolo got 576 votes; so did Nelson.

“The law says that in case of a tie you decide the election by lot,” the local superintendent of elections informed them. Then he suggested they flip a coin. Tufarolo was outraged. “It’s just ridiculous. I don’t think that’s how the people would want it done,” he said. But Nelson, who’d spent a total of $5 on his campaign (which was $5 more than Tufarolo had spent), disagreed. He called it “the least offensive method” of settling the issue.

Tufarolo won the toss and became mayor. The Associated Press noted that “the community of 3,200 appears indifferent.”

—Fenton and Fowler’s
More Best & Worst & Most Unusual

DEAD MEN CAST NO VOTES

U.S. voters have occasionally elected dead men to office. Usually the candidate dies after being nominated, and it’s too late to remove the name from the ballot and nominate someone who’s alive. But at least once—in 1868—a corpse was actually nominated... and elected. The “elected official” was the last remains of Rep. Thaddeus Stevens of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. His supporters did it as a tribute.

Good excuse for being late: Only clocks made after 1687 have minute hands.

Here are some classic “how-to” tips for teenagers from the 1950s. We’re sure you’ll find the information as “valuable” now as it was then.

BOYS’ DATING DO’S AND DON’T’S

How to Ask a Girl for a Date

When a boy wants to ask a girl for a date, there are several rules to follow and pitfalls to avoid.

First of all,
he invites her specifically for a particular occasion, giving her the time, the place, and the nature of the affair. He says, for example, “May I take you to the game in Hometown Gym at two next Saturday afternoon?” Knowing all the relevant facts, she has a basis upon which to refuse or to accept.

In the second place,
he is friendly and acts as though he really wants her to accept his invitation. He looks at her with a smile while he waits for her reply.

If she accepts,
he seems pleased and arranges definitely for the time at which he will call for her. If she refuses, he says that he is sorry and suggests that perhaps another time she will go with him.

How Not to Ask Her

Boys find that
girls do not like the indirect approach that starts, “What are you doing next Friday night?” That puts the girl “on a spot.”

Boys should not
act as though they expect to be refused, as Amos does when he says, “I don’t suppose you’d like to go on a date with me, would you?” This can make the girl feel uncomfortable and is a mark of the boy’s feeling of insecurity, too.

Girls do not like
to be asked for dates at the last minute. It is no compliment to call a girl up the very evening of an affair.

Since asking a girl
for a date is both a compliment and an invitation, a boy needs have no fear of using the simplest, most direct approach he can muster. He might be surprised to know how eager the girl has been to hear the words he is struggling to say!

Despite its hump, a camel has a straight spine.

Believe it or not, these laws are real.

In Las Vegas, Nevada, it’s against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas, it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

It’s illegal to sleep with your boots on in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Michigan law forbids pet owners from tying their crocodiles to fire hydrants.

If you’re 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.

It’s against the law in Tuscumbia, Alabama, to have more than eight rabbits per city block.

It’s against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water in Vermont.

In Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

It’s illegal to eat snakes in Kansas.

In Barber, North Carolina, it’s illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

It’s illegal to sleep with chickens in Clawson City, Michigan ...and illegal to walk your elephant without a leash in Wisconsin.

The law prohibits barbers in Omaha, Nebraska, from shaving the chests of customers.

In California, it’s illegal to hunt whales from your automobile. It’s also against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.

In St. Louis, Missouri, it’s illegal for you to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb.

Cotton Valley, Louisiana, law forbids cows and horses from sleeping in a bakery.

The maximum penalty for double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.

For the past 150 years, Bolivia has averaged about one new government a year.

Sure, you’ve eaten the foods...but at the BRI we know that you can’t really enjoy them unless you know their origins, too.

C
HEX CEREALS

When William Danforth was a child, the mother of a classmate bought a bolt of gingham cloth and made checkered pants, shirts, and dresses for every member of the family. The odd clothing made such an impression that townsfolk were still talking about it decades later.

That’s why, when he wanted a distinctive trademark for his Ralston Purina products, Danforth adopted a checkerboard pattern. He became so obsessed with it that he wore red-check ties, jackets, and socks to work, and even changed the company’s address to Checkerboard Square. Then, in 1937, he commissioned a checkerboard breakfast cereal, Wheat Chex. Rice Chex followed in 1950, Corn Chex in 1958, and Bran Chex in 1987.

KOOL-AID

Edwin E. Perkins, a prodigious entrepreneur of the 1920s, was the president of a company called Onor-Maid that sold more than 125 different household products—including spices, food flavorings, toiletries, and medicines, many of which Perkins had invented himself. One of his products was Fruit Smack, a fruit-flavored soft drink syrup that was popular with people who couldn’t afford the new drink Coca-Cola. But Fruit Smack was shipped in glass bottles, which were expensive and frequently broke in transit. So when Perkins saw how successful the new powdered gelatin product, called Jell-O, was becoming, he decided to convert his syrup into powder form and sell it that way. (He also renamed the product Kool-Aid, modeling it loosely after the company name, Onor-Maid.)

RAGU SPAGHETTI SAUCE

When Giovanni and Assunta Cantisano stepped off the boat at Ellis Island at the turn of the century, they brought with them a few belongings...and the family recipe for spaghetti sauce. Giovanni opened a store selling Italian wine and foods. He thought he might be able to make a little extra money selling the family’s spaghetti sauce there, too; so in 1937 he put some in mason jars and stocked his shelves with it. He never bothered to name it—he just called it
Ragú
, the Italian word for “sauce.”

Nothing to sneeze at: Pollen lasts forever.

Today Ragú controls about 60% of the $550 million spaghetti sauce market.

GOLD MEDAL FLOUR

In 1856, Cadwallader C. Washburn built an enormous new flour mill in Minneapolis, Minnesota. However, flour from harsh Minnesota wheat was dark and not very popular. So Washburn hired an engineer to design a system for separating the bran from the rest of the wheat. The result: a whiter, more desirable flour. To help shake consumer bias against Minnesota wheat flour, in 1880 Washburn entered his flour in the first Millers’ International Exhibition... and won the gold medal.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS

In the 1960s, four hippies spent their time roaming the Rocky Mountains gathering herbs for their own homemade tea. They got so good at it that they decided to sell herbs to local health food stores. They bankrolled the operation by selling an old Volkswagen and named the company after one of the women, whose “cosmic” 1960s name was
Celestial.
Today, Celestial Seasonings is the largest herbal tea company on Earth.

HAWAIIAN PUNCH

“Hawaiian Punch was not invented in Hawaii,” writes Vince Staten in
Can You Trust a Tomato in January?
“Nor was it invented by Hawaiians. It was invented in 1936 by a couple of Southern Californians, A. W. Leo and Tom Yates.”

“It actually began as a soda fountain syrup. Mixed with water it was a drink, but it could also be used as an ice cream topping. By 1944, department stores were selling it in their gourmet food sections, so Leo began bottling it for consumers....At first it was only available as a syrup. [Then] Leo brought it out in a premixed 46-oz. bottle.... It owes a large part of its national popularity to its late-fifties TV commercials with a guy in a Hawaiian shirt offering a friend a Hawaiian Punch and giving him a sock in the puss.”

Heavy thought: Hailstones can weigh as much as 1½ lbs.

The Brothers Grimm are among the most famous storytellers in history. During the 1800s, they collected such classic folk tales as
Rumpelstiltskin
and
Cinderella.
But these weren’t the Disney versions—the view of life portrayed in Grimm tales was...well...grim. Here’s an example.

THE CAT AND THE MOUSE

A
certain cat made
the acquaintance of a mouse, and said so much about the great love and friendship she felt for her, that the mouse agreed that they should live and keep house together. “But we must put some food aside for winter, or we’ll go hungry,” said the cat; “And you, little mouse, can’t venture out alone, or you’ll be caught in a trap some day.”

This good advice
was followed, and a pot of fat was bought—but they didn’t know where to put it. The cat gave it a lot of thought, and said: “I know no place where it will be safer than in the church, for no one dares take anything from there. We’ll set it beneath the altar, and not touch it until we really need it.”

So the pot was placed
in safety, but it wasn’t long before the cat had a great yearning for it, and said: “Little mouse; my cousin has brought a little son into the world, and has asked me to be godmother; he is white with brown spots, and I am to hold him over the font at the christening. Let me go out today, and you look after the house by yourself.” “Yes,” answered the mouse, “by all means go, and if you get anything very good to eat, think of me, I should like a drop of sweet red christening wine myself.”

All this, however, was untrue;
the cat had no cousin, and had not been asked to be godmother. She went straight to the church, stole to the pot of fat, began to lick at it, and licked the top of the fat off. Then she stretched herself in the sun. She didn’t get home until evening. “Well, here you are again,” said the mouse. “No doubt you’ve had a merry day.” “All went well,” answered the cat. “What name did they give the child?” “Top off!” said the cat quite coolly. “Top off!” cried the mouse, “What an unusual name. Is it a family name?” “What does that matter,” said the cat, ‘it’s no worse than Crumbstealer, as your god-children are called.”

The moon weighs about 81 billion tons, give or take a ton.

Before long the cat was seized
by another fit of yearning. She said to the mouse: “You must do me a favor, and once more manage the house for a day alone. I am again asked to be godmother, and, as the child has a white ring round its neck, I cannot refuse.” The good mouse consented, but the cat crept to the church and devoured half the pot of fat. When she went home the mouse inquired: “And what was this child named?” “Half-done,” answered the cat. “Half-done?” replied the mouse, “Why, I never heard such a name in all my life!”

The cat’s mouth soon
began to water again. “All good things go in threes,” said she, “I am asked to stand godmother again. The child is quite black, except for its paws. This only happens once every few years; you will let me go, won’t you?” “Top-off! Half-done!” mused the mouse, “they are such odd names, they make me very thoughtful.” “You sit at home,” said the cat, “in your dark-gray fur coat and long tail, and are filled with fancies, that’s because you do not go out in the daytime.”

During the cat’s absence
the mouse cleaned the house and put it in order, but the greedy cat entirely emptied the pot of fat. She did not return home till night. The mouse at once asked what name had been given to the third child. “It will not please you more than the others,” said the cat. “He is called All-gone.” “All-gone!” cried the mouse, “That’s the most suspicious name of all! I have never seen it in print. All-gone; what can that mean?” She shook her head, curled up, and lay down to sleep.

After this, no one
invited the cat to be godmother, but when the winter came and there was no longer any food to be found outside, the mouse said: “Come, cat, let’s go to the pot of fat which we’ve stored up for ourselves—we shall enjoy that.” “Yes,” answered the cat, “you’ll enjoy it as much as you’d enjoy sticking that dainty tongue of yours out of the window.” They set out on their way, but when they arrived, they found that the pot of fat was empty. “Alas!” said the mouse, “now I see what has happened! You a true friend! You have devoured all when you were standing godmother. First top off, then half done, then—” “Hold your tongue,” cried the cat. “One word more, and I’ll eat you too.” “All gone” was already on the poor mouse’s lips; scarcely had she spoken it before the cat sprang on her, seized her, and swallowed her down.

Verily, that is the way of the world.

There are 250 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy...and 100 billion galaxies in the universe.

Frank Zappa was one of the first rock musicians to admit publicly that he could think. Here are a few of his thoughts.

“In the fight between you and the world, back the world.”