Uncle John’s Impossible Questions & Astounding Answers (9 page)

In merry old England, a
firkin
was a unit of measurement used by brewers. Whenever someone was going to throw a big party, they had to first pick up a firkin or two.

The word itself derives from the Middle Dutch word
vierdekijn
, or “fourth.” Hence, a firkin is equal to one quarter of a barrel, or 72 pints of beer. But wait, there’s more: A firkin is equal to nine imperial gallons (English) as well as half of a
kilderkid
(Old English), about 41 liters (metric), and roughly half a keg (American). Pretty firkin confusing, isn’t it?

Frog legs supposedly taste like chicken. There are several other “exotic food tastes like…” comparisons, such as lion and boa constrictor taste like ________; armadillo, wombat, beaver, and human taste like ________; zebra and hippo taste like ________; and wasp larvae taste like ________.

How many insect parts and rat hairs does the FDA allow in a jar of peanut butter? And why do they allow any of these gross things in your food?

Exotic-food buffs claim that lion and boa constrictor meat tastes like veal. Armadillo—called “Hoover hog” by the people who ate it to survive during the Great Depression (when Herbert Hoover was president)—is said to taste like pork. Also tasting like pork: wombats, beavers, and people. Zebra and hippo meat are often compared to beef. In both taste and texture, eating wasp larvae is supposedly a lot like eating scrambled eggs.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration allows for an average of “30 or more insect fragments and one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams of peanut butter.” Why not ban them outright? The FDA considers these beastly additives to be a natural byproduct of making processed foods. The government agency’s booklet “Food Defect Action Levels” explains, “It is economically impractical to grow, harvest, or process raw products that are totally free of non-hazardous, naturally occurring, unavoidable defects.” What, then, is your actual insect and rodent-hair intake? Recent studies have reported that Americans consume about a pound of them per year. Good news: According to entomologists, the protein from the bugs is actually healthier than the pesticides used to keep them out. The rat hairs, however, have no health benefit…but they don’t harm you, either.

On his two-year trip to the South Pole in the 1930s, Admiral Robert Byrd carried 2.5 tons of what candy? On which holiday are you most likely to see these candies?

In what single meal might you eat a camel, lion, monkey, hippopotamus, rhinoceros, zebra, bison, gorilla, cougar, elephant, giraffe, hyena, kangaroo, seal, sheep, tiger, bear, polar bear, and koala?

Necco Wafers. Rear Admiral Byrd was a World War I fighter pilot who later became the U.S. Navy’s most trusted explorer, leading expeditions to both poles. For his journey to Antarctica, Byrd allotted a daily ration of one pack of Neccos per crew member. Why Necco Wafers? First, because they were cheap; second, because they were an efficient way of adding needed calories to his crew’s diet. Plus, the chalky wafers weren’t affected by extremes of heat and cold and didn’t spoil over long periods of time. It was these same characteristics that prompted the U.S. military to requisition the bulk of Necco’s production runs during World War II.

On what holiday are you most likely to be given a Necco Wafer? Valentine’s Day. Every February, Necco’s parent company, the New England Confectionery Company, sells about eight billion heart-shaped Necco Wafers stamped with loving messages, such as “Be mine” and “U R A 10.” Called “Sweethearts,” they’ve been a Valentine’s Day tradition for more than a century.

In a box of Barnum’s Animals, commonly referred to as animal crackers. Invented in England in the 1800s, they’ve been distributed in the U.S. by Nabisco since 1902. The two most recent additions—both in the 21st century—are the koala and the polar bear.

What food do you blow up and then drown?

Worldwide, coffee is grown in more than 50 countries, including the United States. How many U.S. states grow coffee commercially?

Popcorn. This staple snack is made from dried corn kernels. There’s water on the inside, but it’s sealed in. When the kernels are heated, that water turns to steam. The pressure builds…and builds…and builds…and then—BOOM! The hard shell explodes and propels the now-softened internal starch outward, which immediately hardens as the superheated water evaporates. Then all you have to do is throw the popcorn into a bowl and drown it in butter.

Two. Hawaii used to be the only U.S. state that grew coffee, but recently, small-scale organic coffee growers have popped up in the coastal areas near Santa Barbara, California. (It’s also grown in Puerto Rico, but that’s not a state…yet.) Why so few? Although coffee is the second most traded product in the world (petroleum is the first), the ideal climate conditions for growing it are rare. The small evergreen tree that produces coffee beans—which are actually the bitter pit of the tree’s fruit—can grow only in regions that have a cool, mostly dry tropical winter, interrupted occasionally by rains that increase in frequency as the crop matures. Largest coffee grower: Brazil, responsible for 30 percent of the world’s output.

Footnote:
Instant coffee was invented by George Washington. Not the president, but George Constant Louis Washington, a Belgian-born American inventor who lived in Guatemala in the early 1900s.

Which private school for children is widely considered to be one of the wealthiest in the world? Two hints:
1) It’s in Pennsylvania.
2) You’re in the food category.

The Milton Hershey School, located in Hershey, Pennsylvania. It owns 56 percent of the chocolate company’s stock, with assets worth nearly $6 billion, making it one of the richest schools in the world. Serving nearly 2,000 low-income students, the K–12 institution is located on the same land as the Hershey family farm, where Milton Snavely Hershey was born in 1857. In the 1860s, his parents moved so often that he’d attended seven schools by the time he reached the fourth grade…and he never made it to the fifth grade. (Good thing that candy-making apprenticeship paid off.)

In the early 1900s, Hershey, by then a millionaire, and his wife, Kitty, tried to start a family, but Kitty was unable to bear children. The Hersheys decided that if they couldn’t have their own family, they’d help children who didn’t have families—or, like Milton, were too poor to attend school. So in 1909 the couple opened the Hershey Industrial School, a boarding academy for “poor, healthy, white, male orphans between the ages of 8 and 18.” After Kitty died in 1915, Hershey decided to keep her legacy alive by transferring the majority of his assets, including control of the company, into the school’s trust fund. Now known as the Milton Hershey School, it’s changed with the times, allowing children of color (1968) and girls (1977). And because it’s located on the site of the family farm, until 1989 milking cows was part of the curriculum. Of course, chocolate milk is still served in the cafeteria.