Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@ (4 page)

Only Oscar to win an Oscar: Oscar Hammerstein II, for Best Song (1941 and ’45).

A TYPO

In 1987 Kamjai Thavorn, 30, was sentenced to 20 years in an Indonesian prison for heroin possession. In 2007 Thavorn, then 50, told the warden that his sentence had ended, and he should be set free. The warden’s answer: No. According to the prison’s paperwork, Thavorn began serving in 1997—not 1987—and still had a decade left to go. For the next three years, he pleaded to be set free…to no avail. He might still be behind bars today if not for a chance meeting in 2010 with Indonesia’s justice minister, who was touring the facility. Thavorn told the minister his situation, the matter was looked into, and Thavorn was finally freed. Prison officials apologized, explaining that whoever admitted him must have accidentally typed a “9” instead of an “8.”

THE WRONG ADDRESS

When real estate agent Peter Collard arrived at the six-bedroom house he was trying to sell in Brisbane, Australia, in 2010, he was horrified to discover that half of the yard was dug up and ten palm trees had been ripped out of the ground. Next to the devastation were two confused-looking workmen and a backhoe. When Collard asked them what the (blank) they were doing, the men quickly loaded the backhoe onto the trailer and, without a word, drove away. According to police, they were digging a swimming pool, but due to an address mix-up, they were at the wrong house. The workers were never located, and Collard’s insurance company denied his claim for compensation. Cost of the repair: $20,000.

A PIN

An American Airlines 767 landed at the company’s maintenance facility in Fort Worth, Texas, after a test flight in 2009. Standard procedure dictates that a pin be inserted into the front landing gear to prevent it from retracting while it’s on the ground. Someone forgot to follow standard procedure. When workers boarded to complete their post-maintenance checklist, one of them pulled the front landing gear lever. The wheel retracted and the 767 plunked down nose-first onto the tarmac. Luckily, no one was underneath it, but according to sources from the airline, the structural damage was so extensive that the plane—which was only six years old and cost $150 million—was “beyond repair.”

75% of Hawaii’s population lives on one island: Oahu.

GIVE ME A SIGN!

Church reader boards are a great source of humor and wisdom. Here are some real signs that we’ve collected
.

“There are some questions that can’t be answered by Google”

“Staying in bed shouting, ‘Oh God!’ does not constitute going to church”

“Read the Bible—it will scare the hell out of you”

“Walmart is not the only saving place”

“Forgive your enemies—it messes with their heads”

“Salvation guaranteed, or your sins cheerfully refunded!”

“Do not criticize your wife’s judgment—see who she married”

“There’s no A/C in Hell either”

“God shows no favoritism but our sign guy does. Go Cubs!”

“Swallowing pride will never give you indigestion”

“Cars aren’t the only things recalled by their maker”

“Come in and let us prepare you for your finals”

“Life stinks. We have a pew for you”

“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families”

“Whoever stole our mower: God will get you.”

“How do we make holy water? We boil the hell out of it”

“Now open between Easter and Christmas!”

“Forbidden fruit creates many jams”

“Santa Claus never died for anyone”

“Down in the mouth? It’s time for a faith lift”

“Pessimists need a kick in the can’ts”

“Church parking only. Violators will be baptized”

“Too cold to change sign! Message inside.”

In the 1800s, artists used paint made from ground-up mummies.

FATAL FLIGHT FIRSTS

At least they got to be the first in the world at something
.

L
T. THOMAS E. SELFRIDGE

Claim to Fame:
First person killed in a plane crash

Story:
On September 17, 1908, Orville Wright was demonstrating his Wright Flyer at Fort Myer army base in Virginia. Along for the ride was 26-year-old First Lieutenant Tom Selfridge, a U.S. Army dirigible pilot. About 150 feet above the ground, a propeller broke. Wright was able to glide the craft to about 75 feet, but then it went into a nosedive. Selfridge suffered a fractured skull and died that evening. Wright suffered a broken thigh, pelvis, and ribs, and spent seven weeks in the hospital, but lived to fly again.

VERNON CASTLE

Claim to Fame:
First celebrity plane death

Story:
In the early 1900s, Vernon and Irene Castle were trendsetting superstars who appeared in Broadway productions and movies. When World War I began, Vernon returned to his native England and became a war pilot, then returned to the United States to train American pilots. On February 15, 1918, he took off from an airfield near Fort Worth, Texas—and was forced to make an emergency maneuver to avoid another plane. That caused his plane to stall, and it crashed. Castle died soon after.

ORMER LOCKLEAR

Claim to Fame:
First airplane fatalities while filming a movie

Story:
Locklear was a World War I pilot, then a barnstormer who flew in daredevil shows across the country. In 1920 he got the starring role as a pilot (and stunt man) in the film
The Skywayman
. For the movie’s finale, Locklear was supposed to simulate a plane crashing into oil derricks—at night. He’d warned the lighting crew to douse their lights as he got near so he could see to pull out of the dive at the last minute. They didn’t, and he crashed, killing himself and his co-pilot. However, thanks to the lights staying on, the director got vivid footage of the crash and its gruesome aftermath…and used it in the movie.

45% of Americans age 60 have at least one parent still living.

CANCELLED! WAIT…

Life doesn’t follow schedules, but TV does. So it’s surprising when the networks revive a show that’s been taken off the air—especially when they do it after broadcasting the “final episode
.”

P
rogram:
Sledge Hammer!

The End:
This dark satire-sitcom centered around a loose cannon police officer named Sledge Hammer (David Rasche). Sledge loved to use his gun—he slept with it, cooked with it, and shot criminals far more often than necessary. The show was a critical success for ABC, but not a ratings hit, so it was cancelled at the end of the 1986–87 season.
Sledge Hammer!
producers decided to have the show go out with a bang (of course): Sledge attempts to disable a nuclear bomb set to destroy Los Angeles. He is unsuccessful, and all the characters—and the entire city—are destroyed.

But Wait:
The ratings for the last episode were so high that ABC changed its mind and renewed the show for another year. The scriptwriters explained the post-apocalypse revival by saying the new episodes took place “five years earlier” than the first season, even though the story lines picked up exactly where the plot had left off before the bomb threat. Unfortunately, ABC gave it a time slot opposite
The Cosby Show
and reduced its budget, suggesting that the network never really expected the show to do well. It didn’t. It was cancelled in 1988.

Program:
Family Guy

The End:
It debuted on Fox after the 1999 Super Bowl, so its initial ratings were high. But critics dismissed the animated show about an overweight man and his wacky, dysfunctional family as a ripoff of
The Simpsons,
and the ratings gradually declined. Fox stuck with the show until 2002, when it was quietly cancelled before the fall season.

But Wait:
In 2003 reruns of the show found an audience on “Adult Swim”—the late-night block of adult-oriented cartoons on cable TV’s Cartoon Network. Suddenly,
Family Guy
was a big hit. In the 18–49 demographic (which advertisers and networks most want to reach), the show routinely beat
The Tonight Show
and
Late
Show with David Letterman,
with an average of two million total viewers. On top of that,
Family Guy
DVD sets were the top TV sellers of 2003, moving three million copies. And so, in an unprecedented move, Fox brought the series back.
Family Guy
returned to the air in 2005, where it’s been a top-20 hit ever since.

The production of a single chicken egg requires about 120 gallons of water.

Program:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The End:
The critically acclaimed but little-watched show about a teenage girl who fights off pure evil aired on the teen-oriented WB network. After languishing in the ratings for five seasons, the WB cancelled
Buffy
in spring 2001. Writers wrapped up the show’s extensive mythology by having Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) die.

But Wait:
UPN bought the series and resurrected it in fall 2001. What about the dead main character? No problem! (It’s a show about the
un
dead, after all.) Buffy’s friends use magic spells to raise her from the dead and pull her out of Heaven, which gives Buffy severe depression for the better part of the season. Despite a loyal cult following, the show’s ratings never improved. It was cancelled in 2003.

Program:
Scrubs

The End:
This hospital sitcom ran on NBC from 2001 until 2008, when the network cancelled it due to low ratings (it ranked 115th for the year). ABC picked up the show, but ratings for the eighth season were even worse, so the network ordered the show’s producers to prepare a final episode. The big ending aired in May 2009 with the on-again/off-again relationship of Drs. Dorian (Zach Braff) and Reid (Sarah Chalke) happily resolved and with every major guest star and minor character in the show’s run making an appearance. Dorian and Reid move away, everyone says goodbye, show over.

But Wait:
ABC needed midseason replacement shows for the 2009–10 season, so despite having aired its final show,
Scrubs
was renewed for 13 more episodes. Creator Bill Lawrence completely revamped the show, setting it in a new location (a medical school) and with an almost completely new cast. It didn’t help. Only about half of the
Scrubs
viewers from the previous season returned (3.8 million vs. 5.6 million), and ABC aired all 13 episodes in just a few weeks.

All spider species make silk, but only about half spin webs to catch prey.

LOST (AND FOUND)
ALBUMS

Not every album that gets recorded—even ones by the most popular musicians—gets released to the public. For a variety of reasons, a project may get shelved indefinitely…or forever. But luckily, sometimes they do get to see the light of day. Here are a few albums that once were lost, but now are found
.

A
LBUM:
Finian’s Rainbow
soundtrack (1954)

LOST:
Finian’s Rainbow
was a hit Broadway musical—it ran for nearly two years, winning two Tony Awards, and originating the standards “How Are Things in Glocca Morra?” and “Old Devil Moon.” The plot: An Irish immigrant moves to the South and buries a pot of gold near Fort Knox, believing it will magically multiply, all the while trying to avoid the leprechaun from whom he stole the treasure. In 1954 a former Disney animator named John Hubley began production on an animated film version of
Finian’s Rainbow
and lined up top talent to provide voices and music, including Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, and the Oscar Peterson Trio. Nine songs were recorded before the production’s financial backers ran into tax trouble and the film project was canceled.

FOUND:
In 2002 Hubley’s widow, Faith Hubley, discovered a low-quality acetate copy of the
Finian’s Rainbow
songs, recorded off the original master tapes (which have never surfaced). Narration was recorded in 1954, and that was on the master tapes, not on Hubley’s copy. But the nine songs were, and they were released on the 2002 box set
Frank Sinatra in Hollywood (1940–1964)
.

ALBUM:
Marvin Gaye,
The Ballads
(1979)

LOST:
Gaye was one of Motown’s top-selling artists, and a dominant soul singer in America by the late 1960s. But what he really wanted to be was a jazz and torch-song singer. Motown let him try three times:
The Soulful Moods
(1961),
When I’m Alone I Cry
(1964), and
Hello Broadway
(1964) were all jazz and show-tune albums, and all sold poorly. Another attempt in 1968 was canceled halfway through recording. Gaye returned to his pop career until 1977, when he decided to take another shot at jazzy torch songs, recording
The Ballads
in his home studio. Included were “The Shadow of Your Smile,” “She Needs Me,” and “Why Did I Choose You.” Gaye convinced Motown to release it in 1979, but changed his mind and released a disco-tinged gospel album instead.
The Ballads
was never released; Gaye died in 1984.

Found:
Columbia, Gaye’s label at the time of his death, worked with Motown to obtain Gaye’s never-released jazz recordings from 1968, along with tracks from the late-’70s sessions. The cobbling of those two sets (seven songs, plus alternate takes of three of those songs) was released in 1997 as
Vulnerable
. The cover featured a simple black-and-white portrait of Gaye, a leftover from the photo shoot for his 1971 classic,
What’s Going On
.